You Don't Know Diddly

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Last week's post was really just a marketing research ploy. It was put together by my public image firm (all the top bloggers have image firms, you didn't know?) to find out what kind of person my readers think I really am.

Apparently, you seem to think I'm a kitten-hating, continuously-masturbating "backdoor-man" who does not exist in the physical universe.

Geez, people... it's like you don't know me at all. In fact, only one of the three bullshit facts received a single vote. And I gave you a clue and everything. Let's take a look at the results:

Third Place: (A three-way tie)

Fact 88: I took my mom to see Bo Diddly one night, and we ended up hanging out with him after the show (I can be quite schmoozy when it comes down to it). I proceeded to get very drunk and make a complete ass out of myself, at which point Bo told me “Boy, you don't know diddly!”. I responded by making a big show out of rolling my eyes.

This is true. Bo Diddly is actually that corny.

Fact 100: Hey, speaking of cute kittens, here's something else I probably shouldn't tell you: when I was a little boy, I once read a story about a little kitten that got lost out in the cold. Do you know that one? The poor little kitty was lost and cold and scared, and it didn't know what to do! Well, the mama cat bravely trounced through the wind and snow, and found the kitten and brought it home, yay!, where it was given a delicious bowl of warm milk to lap up. Then, at the very end of the story, the kitten was sleeping soundly, curled up in a fluffy knitted blanket in front of a fireplace, all warm and comfy and safe. This story really affected me for some reason, and sometimes, even to this day, when I am stressed out, or sad, or when life is just kicking my ass in general, I will imagine that I am that little kitten. I'll curl up in a warm blanket and pretend that I have just been rescued from the terrible cold, brought home and given a bowl of warm milk to lap up with my cute little kitten tongue... and now the bad times are over, all is well, and I'm laying in the soft, orange glow of a cozy fireplace, all warm and dry and protected... falling asleep and having cute little kitten dreams about fuzzy mice and balls of yarn. That's how badass I am.

Also true. What can I say? Sometimes I'm a little pussy.

Fact 101: I tried anal sex a few times, but never saw what the fuss was all about.

Some guys act like the butthole is the end-all of all holes (get it?), but I didn't think it was anything to jump up and down about. And just so we're clear, I was talking about pitching, not catching.


Second Place:

Fact 87: I can travel through space and time.

Let's think about the physical universe: It is comprised of Matter, Energy, Space and Time. One might argue that Matter is simply a more slowly vibrating form of Energy, and that Time is just an abstract concept used to describe another dimension of Space, but let's not go off the deep end. Either way, if you are a resident of the physical universe, then you can travel through space and time. In fact, it's kind of hard not to.


First Place: (drum roll, please...)

Fact 93: I once went over 2 weeks without jerking off.

I have to say, friends, I'm a little hurt. This one received twice as many votes as any of the others. I don't know where you weirdos got the idea that I'm some kind of sex-crazed, self-flogging pervert who can't resist lubing up every chance he gets, but there you go. I guess my image firm really has their work cut out for them. They'll probably want me to start adopting African babies.

I actually did go over two weeks without strangling the rooster. I was on a camping trip, and I never even thought about it once the whole time. As soon as I got home and was alone, it suddenly occurred to me “Holy crap! I haven't jerked off in two weeks!”. Can you guess what I did next?

A. Made a list of things I could do to be a better person.
B. Pretended to be a kitten and lap up a bowl of warm milk.
C. Jerked it.

It was a good one, too. With two weeks worth of backed-up rocket fuel, it's a wonder I didn't do a "Fact #54".