Thursday, October 4, 2007

I (heart) my (brain)

Not to be a Mr McBraggypants or anything, but I have to say: I am quite pleased with my brain. For one thing, it's durable as hell. You wouldn't believe the wear and tear I've put on this baby, yet it still performs like a champ.

For example, I once did acid almost continuously for an entire month - and sure, ok - I did go a little schizo for a while. I won't deny that. But you know what? After a couple of months, my serotonin and melatonin levels worked themselves out, and it was smooth sailing once again. And as a bonus, now I know what it's like to be crazy, which I'm sure will come in handy at some point.

And then there's all that Ecstasy. People say E screws your brain up, right? Puts holes in it and all that. Well, for me, those holes are just ventilation. I figure that whatever brain matter the MDMA ate up was probably just dead weight anyway. Kind of like pruning a bush. Now my brain is lighter, faster, and has a little wiggle-room. Noice.

As for depression and mental illness, I seem to have rolled sevens on those as well. I've had enough friends who suffered from depression to know it sucks balls. Hell, sometimes it seems like half the people walking around have a problem with it. But for me? Not an issue.

Oh, sure – I get sad sometimes... but that's just because life on this planet is a nightmarish whirlpool of mind-blowing horror. So it's only natural to pick up on the world's misery from time to time. Agree? And it's not like I don't have a dark side or anything. Oh, baby... I gots me a dark side. I can't exactly show you my dark side here on the internet... but if I could, it might look something like this:

My dark side enjoys long walks on the beach, horseback riding, and dancing in fountains of blood while laughing hysterically.

But as for actual "clinical” depression, that's not one of my features. But here's the good part, one of the features I do have: Mania. Every so often, I get on these kicks where I'm just electrified, bursting with ideas. My mind races, and I run around like a mad scientist, creating this and that, channeling all of this energy into one project or another. It's a highly productive period (especially now that I've learned how to not get arrested). And then, when the spring stops gushing, I come in for a landing. But there's no crash-and-burn. I'm like a Manic Depressive, but without the Depressive part. So I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

I will say this, however: it hasn't always been strawberries and cream. I did get panic attacks for awhile. Bad ones, too. The first time I got one, I truly thought I was going insane. I didn't know what was happening, and never even considered that it was just a panic attack. I'd heard of anxiety attacks, but I always thought they just made you anxious or frightened. I had no idea how fucking psychotic they were. It was as if my entire reality had suddenly turned against me, and everything I thought I knew or believed in suddenly disintegrated into dust, leaving me naked to some purely evil force of nature, a force much bigger than me.

Seriously. That shit was demonic.

Eventually I found out that lots of people experience this, and that I wasn't actually going to die, or end up in a psyche ward, or spontaneously combust or anything. I was even offered drugs, but refused them (believe it or not, I'm actually very picky about drugs. Recreational purposes only, that's my motto.) After a couple of years, the panic attacks went away. Kind of like my dyslexia.

So here's to you, brain. Keep up the good work. I know I put you through a lot, but we make a great team, and I just want you to know how much I appreciate you.

In fact, I think I'll run up to the store and get you some of that vitamin B you like so much. As soon as I can remember how to operate that "knobby" looking thing on the front door.

What the hell is that thing?


Unknown said...

Score! I'm here first! (Touchdown dance commencing 5,4,3,2...)

Sure, your brain sounds great- but has your brain ever been thrown out of an SUV that is rolling over and then rolled across a highway only to land in a ditch and wake up two days later in a hospital only to be perfectly fine?
My brain kicks ass.

But I'm sure yours is nice too...

MommyHeadache said...

Fuckin hell, I wish I had your brain! It seems able to sustain a real pharmaceutical pounding. Whereas I get paranoid for a week after smoking one joint.

Boldly Serving Up Wheat Grass said...

I had an anxiety attack once. No, twice. Both times it was kind of a caffeine O.D. They finally demanded I quit coffee. That was a sad day, Cap'n, cuz my brain loves th' java. But, I'd rather not have a heart attack, so I downshifted to herbal tea. Now I'm much more calm, and a little gayer, I guess.

Miss B said...

oooh... I just LUUUUVVV a guy with a holy brain... makes the mind-fucking that much easier! ;)

Rosie said...

where did you learn how not to get arrested? is there a book?

MsFreshBananaPuddin said...

Well this post explains a lot…

Btw, what’s your dark side’s favorite food and color? Is he free on fri? Your brain sounds awesome! Maybe your brain, your dark side and I could get it on sometime...

I used to get panic attacks from smoking weed, so I quit. Why on earth would you turn down prescription drugs?

Jules said...

I loved this post. I love drugs but with four kids I just can't indulge like I used to.

I have clinical depression and if definitely isn't about feeling sad. For me it's like someone turned the lights off and you know that there are other people around you and in your life but as you can't see them, they start to cease to matter and you feel like "what's the point of being here if I'm in the dark all the time?" Probably something like a bat feels.

Panic attacks, I channel them now. I turn them into obsessive behaviour about something random.

Mania, wish I had some. I have had in the past but it was often very wierd and I am quite glad that i don't anymore. Which totally contradict my first statement re wishing I had some.

The thing on the door, that's a knob, not the kind you take a slash with the but kind that lets the door swing out of it's restrictive shackles.

Anonymous said...

Did you happen to buy an extended bumper to bumper warranty on that sucker? I picked one up for mine, and it has really given me "piece of mind".

Erica Ann Putis said...

Panic attacks blow. I love when I'm super souped up about stuff but it's usually when I drink coffee and coffee make my heart flutter. So no coffee = no manic. BUT then I just have a drink of the alcohol kind and I'm super pumped again!! My super cycle is super fun!!! Let's go have super fun together!!! (shit - did I just hit on you again? I swear you are the only one on the internet I do that too.)


Yeah panic attacks- I have had them. Then I learned to give them instead, which is much better! I like the way that you say you and your brain make a good team....was that a love letter from your penis? :)

Anonymous said...

my brain is making me want to finger the holes in your brain.

what is that?

Captain Smack said...

Sounds like you have one of those "stunt" brains. Perhaps your brain should get a job in Hollywood, standing in for the brains of movie stars.

I can get very paranoid on weed as well. In a way, it's a pretty heavy high. Hmmm... if you're really hell-bent on getting high on weed without the paranoia, try it with a muscle relaxer.

This has been a public service message from Dr. Smack.

Blowing Shit Up:
Herbal tea... man, that is sad. I think if it were me, I'd buy a couple of those resuscitating shock pads and take my chances with coffee.

Miss B:
Nice. I guess I'm already a little fucked in the head, aren't I?

Rosie Cheeks:
There was a lot of trial and error involved in that, but I think I've got it down now. Mostly it has to do with being able to act like a normal person, which I've learned to do for almost an hour at a time.

I'll ask my dark side if he's up for that, but he's kind of a loner. He likes to sit alone and polish his gun (no, not that gun) with a disturbing smile...

You're right, though - I should have accepted the drugs and traded them or something.

"I turn them into obsessive behavior about something random"

Thank you so much for saying that. I think you just cleared up a mystery about a friend of mine.

But your description of depression is similar to what I've heard from friends... that it's not just sadness+, but it's a whole different level, a different thing. I suspect a lot of people think they have depression but really don't.

I appreciate the tip on the door knob, but I already figured out that I could just go out the window. Oh well, thanks anyway.

I should probably get one of those for my brain. It probably wouldn't hurt to get one for my liver while I'm at it.

Super Fun! That's my favorite kind of fun. You like Super Fun too? I love it, it's way better than normal fun, although normal fun is great and everything, but super fun rocks. We have so much in common, Erica. Except for that sunset thing.

That's really funny. You should have a t-shirt: I don't get panic attacks, I give them.

My brain and my penis have an interesting relationship, but I'm not sure if you would call it "love"... they're still trying to figure each other out, I guess.

Hey, what can I say? Brains with holes are hot. Like soft, sexy bowling balls. What a turn-on.

kiki said...

sounds like you've employed the old buffalo theory down to a t.

if you booze / take enough drugs, your slower, more useless braincells will die, allowing the herd to move on much faster
much akin to buffalo, with their sick and old.

Fairmaiden327 said...

I totally have a crush on you now. I love my brain, too.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Woody Allen said it was his second-favourite organ. 'Hey, I could live without it' said Bruce Springsteen.

Jules said...

A good example of channelling my panic attacks in to something random was just prior to walking down the helipad in the mountains at my wedding. I had a major freak out about my hair. Was adamant it looked like poos and I was getting agitated about it. Really it was a panic attack about having to go out and be the centre of attention in front of close friends and family. But that was irrational so I blamed it on the hair. Got me through it.

Still fucked off my sister's hair looked better than mine. Beeatch, trying to steal the show!!

Prunella Jones said...

Your brain sounds like a champ. I think it's good to kill off a few million cells from time to time, just to show it who's boss.

I've had panic attacks from time to time as well. Usually they happen whenever I discover that I'm out of weed. They are a bummer, aren't they?

I rarely get depressed since I am blonde and beautiful, but I'm always interested in brain improvement. Like, just the other day I read an entire book from cover to cover, instead of just skimming through like I usually do. Okay, it was only a 100 page comic, but still, that's pretty good for me. I have kind of a short attention span, it's really.......

Erica Ann Putis said...

Super cool dude!!! We may not have the whole sunset thing in common but you know what else we have? I'm borderline dyslexic. Oh - you were just joking about that? Whatever dude. No need to bring up un-super-fun stuff. :)

Captain Smack said...

Hey, I like that, "The Buffalo Principle"... it sounds like a real thing, which gives my theory some credibility.

Fair Maiden:
First Batman, then Jack Bauer, now Captain Smack, you must have a thing for us iconic super hero types. See how I totally just psychoanalyzed you there? That psychology course at the community college is really paying off.

Gorilla Bananas:
heh heh... you said "woody"...

I think part of the wedding tradition should be that the bride's stylist gets to oversee the hair of all the other women at the wedding, and be allowed to make adjustments as necessary.

Don't sell yourself short. Comic books are even more complex than regular books, because they have words and pictures.

But then, if you think about it, written words are kind of like pictures themselves... pictures of words... made up of smaller pictures of letters...

Whoa. I totally just blew my own mind.

Actually, I used to be dyslexic, but then it went away.

Or maybe it kept getting worse, and then finally got so bad that I flipped words around backwards and then flipped them again, so they ended up frontwards.

Which would make me Super Dyslexic!

Steph said...

I hate my brain. It packed up and left ages ago.

Madam Z said...

Captain, "that knobby looking thing on the front door" sounds like a wart. You probably infected the door by touching it with the palm of your hand, which is covered with warts, which are the result of the "interesting things" you've done to your penis. I recommend sandpaper on all affected surfaces. (And you thought that TOOTHPASTE was painful...)

phishez said...

Don't worry about the hole sin your brain. They give it a larger surface area and actually make you smarter.

Cunning Linguist said...

can't say as I've ever had a panic attack in my life before. Spastic colon a few times, does that count?

Fairmaiden327 said...

I think I can handle a hero mentality. You can fight for my love against Bauer.


Elvis and Jesus! I need some religion and music!

morbid misanthrope said...

I like my brain, too. The doctors said it wouldn't work right any more because of all the alcohol abuse, but I proved those white-coat-wearing douchebags wrong.

I'm not depressed or anything gay like that, but I really do dislike being alive. I just tell people I'm an existentialist with a temper. Then I kick them in the genitals and have a good laugh about moral relativism and the pointlessness of existence.

I like my brain, too. The doctors said it wouldn't work right any more because of all the alcohol abuse, but I proved those white-coat-wearing douchebags wrong.

Anyway, brains kick ass.

Ms Smack said...

But don't men have two brains? That both pump blood? That control what the man thinks, says and does? Does this mean they're brighter than women?

I think not.

Diarrhea of the Mouth said...

i wanna be you, rather i want your brain. wanna trade? i will even throw in free lunch.

Helen said...

I have the mania thing, but I always create these contraptions around the house for saving energy without thinking about the heaps of energy I will be expending to save energy for a populace that frankly I really don't give a shit about. When that realization kicks in, that's when I have that depressive thing.

Anonymous said...

I met your brain in a pub once - it was worried about you...

Jo said...

Wait... are you cheating on me?

Captain Smack said...

I think I may have seen your brain hitch hiking one time and given it a ride. It was saying something about it's owner falling down a lot, and it left because she refused to wear a helmet.

Madam Z:
I guess I'll have to take my door down to the health clinic and run some tests.

I've heard a lot of theories, but that one has the ring of truth.

Cunning Linguist:
Your spastic colon probably has caused a few panic attacks, so I guess that counts.

Fair Maiden:
My kung-fu skills are a little rusty, perhaps we can compete for you in a game of checkers.

I'll see what I can do, but Elvis & Jesus posts don't just grow on trees, you know.

Captain Smack said...

Depression is gay, I agree. Except when gay people are depressed, then it's just sad. But that's rare, gay people are usually happy, at least the one's on tv, which I guess is why they call them gay, huh.

Miss Smack:
I think that brains are responsible for intelligence and stupidity, so having two brains would make you smarter and stupider at the same time. That's what one of my brains think, anyway.

Diarrhea of the Mouth:
I'll let you borrow it on weekends, I don't use it much then anyway.

I don't blame you for getting depressed, that's really depressing. All I ever think about is puppies and rainbows, you should try that.

Was it behaving itself? I hope so, my brain can really be embarrassing sometimes.

It's not considered cheating if I'm wearing my magic socks.

kiki said...

as an engineering student, i live by it

it's clear that, in my 5th year of university, i clearly haven't killed off enough slower moving brain cells

Madam Z said...

Cap, I apologize for my lame joke about the "warts." I was referring to the old admonition about "If you play with yourself, you'll get warts on your palm."
I didn't mean your door has a STD. Well, maybe it does, but not from my lame joke.

Captain Smack said...

If beer and tequila isn't getting the job done, perhaps it's time to bring out the big guns. Try huffing glue and watching Mtv, that should do the trick.

Madam Z:
Actually, I need to get the door tested anyway. It's kind of a swinger.


(and you thought your joke was lame...)

Jo said...

I gave you those socks, you bastard.

Ask Aspasia Fern & Miss Smack said...

Speaking of doors, I need to be banged like the front door.

Ba-doom-tish! :)

(the other, better smelling smack)

KittyMeow said...

Aaah a fellow munter. Yeh I killed a few brain cells with certain chemicals in my time. I actually like to brag that I've tried almost every drug except heroin. Ha!!

You know I've never understood depression though. Life is GOOD man. :-D

I think I'm becoming dyslexic. Or losing the ability to write without a keyboard - I often start words with the second or third letter first then have to go back to put in the first letter. Dumb huh?

Anonymous said...

You mean seratonin and dopamine. Melatonin is skin pigment.

It sounds like you are slightly bipolar with your pendulum skewed towards mania. Might sound fine, right until you get ramped up into fullblown psychosis, which is very possible if you are having panick attacks.

Could be worse, but it could be better and you should watch it.

Captain Smack said...

I'll change, baby, I swear. And this time I really mean it.

Ask Aspasia Fern & Miss Smack:
I like your rimshot better than mine. I'm going to steal it. Using "TAH!" instead of "tish", that's what I was doing wrong.

(Ooo you gotta nice rimshot, baby)

It's funny how people who've done a lot of drugs brag about it, isn't it? I do it too. It's like people who've traveled all over the world, except it's traveling all over the brain. Too bad you can't come back with pictures.

That's a weird spelling thing you've got, I've never heard of that one.

Mr. Underhill:
Geez, what a party pooper. As I said, I don't get panic attacks anymore, but I know what you mean. Meditation is good. I think all crazy people should try it, psychiatrists pretend like there's no such thing, I guess it's hard to sell "not doing" something. As for melatonin, it's a hormone which (among other things), regulates sleep. If you screw up your melatonin levels, you can't sleep. You're thinking of melanin.


I don't mean to spoil the ambiance Capt but you are getting friging lazy. NO more WTFWJD?

Captain Smack said...

Elvis: Man, I'm bored.

Jesus: Yeah?

Elvis: I ain't kidding, man. It seems like all we ever do anymore is sit around waitin' for something to happen. You ever feel that way?

Jesus: I felt that way a lot in the early 1700's. That was a pretty slow period.

Elvis: Yeah, but I'm saying now. Like, what have we done in the last month? Nothing, man. We just been sittin' around with our thumbs up our asses.

Jesus: Well why don't you read a book or something? You still haven't read 1984, have you?

Elvis: Man, I don't wanna read something, I wanna do something. Don't you get bored?

Jesus: Why don't you start a project? Whatever happened to that antique jukebox you were going to restore? Why don't you work on that?

Elvis: I don't think that's gonna hit the spot. You know what? I think I'm gonna go by Charlie's house. See what he's up to.

Jesus: Manson? Wow, I guess you really are bored...

Elvis: Hey, let's go out to Big Daddy's. It's karaoke night tonight.

Jesus: I don't know. I don't think so.

Elvis: Aw, c'mon, man. It'll be fun!

Jesus: Fun for you, sure. I hate doing karaoke. Everyone always expects me to be this great singer, for some reason. They all get so excited, but then I start singing and you can see their eyes glaze over. No, I'm just not up to it tonight. In fact, I think I'm going to turn in a little early...

Elvis: Pfft. Man...

Jesus: Sorry, Elvis. Why don't you see if Manson wants to karaoke?

Elvis: Nah... he's no fun to karaoke with. He's a total mic hog. And he always wants to do those love ballads.

Jesus: Well...

Elvis: That's alright. Don't worry about it. I'll just watch some TV or something...

Jesus: I'm sure things'll pick up soon. Just be patient.

Elvis: Yeah, if you say so...

Josh said...

I had a brain like yours once. I fed it, nurtured it and tried to make it feel safe during the freaky times.

Unfortunately the holes got a little too big and mice started to live in there. It was so damn noisy at times that I thought I would go mad.

Eventually, the smell started to get to me - those mice are dirty little fuckers. I had to clean it all out and start again...

Anonymous said...

Can we have a new post please?


Captain- How sweet that I ,little Ubermouth, can conjure up jesus ad Elvis! ;0)
I made you a Father btw! Clever, aren't I?

Creepy said...

Nobody likes a braggard.

Captain Smack said...

I think you were too nice to it, too overprotective. Brains need to learn to fend for themselves, or else they get lazy and just fall apart.

I don't know. Maybe. I'll think about it.

So does that mean you're gonna stop nagging me about it?

Sure they do, you just have to balance it with a little self deprecation.

anandamide said...

Holy Christ Smack,

How's a guy supposed to leave the 49th comment without overlapping with what anyone else said?

Guess I'll have to get here a little earlier next time. Seems like all the Acid's already been taken....

Anonymous said...

Ok, this post was up there with my all time favourites. I laughed very hard at the images here.

Your a classic! I love your brain xx

Ms Smack said...


Old Knudsen said...

I take it you aren't on long term medication then for depression, that is the true test for a brain, lets see if it makes you forget yer childhood.
Everyone has a dark side, maybe you mean a cruel side you bunny lover.

ann said...

I agree with Ubermouth, could we please get some WTFWJD??? I think your brain may enjoy some of those A to Zinc vitamins too.

Captain Smack said...

Normally, I have a first-come-first-serve policy, but I'll try to reserve a hit for you next time.

Why, thank you, dear. I'll tell my brain you said that next time I see it.

Miss Smack:
I'll have to get back to you on that...

My dark side has a cruel side, and what's wrong with loving bunnies?

It's not MY fault Jesus lets His mail pile up, geez. I think he said something about his computer being on the fritz, I'll try to see what's going on.


NOT likely!

Unknown said...

O I could not stop laughing that joke near the end helareis

面具 said...


About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.