Friday, September 28, 2007

When you're at the end of your rope...

We all get the blues from time to time. It's only natural. But has your depression moved into the next phase? Do you sometimes feel that life is more of a hassle than it's worth? Maybe you feel like it's time to just end it all...

Well, before you do that, be sure to call:

Captain Smack's Suicide Hottt-line!

Fact: Did you know that there are over 3,000 suicide attempts each year? That's 3,000 miserable people, whose lives almost ended... all because they didn't have the proper guidance and assistance. Don't let this happen to you. Don't be another sad statistic.

Here at the Suicide Hottt-line, we understand that taking your own life is a difficult decision. And that's why our team of caring, highly trained experts are here to support you, and make sure you do it right the first time!

Our helpful suicide councilors are familiar with many very effective techniques, such as:
  • Proper tying of nooses
  • Prescription overdoses
  • Leaping from buildings
  • Laceration of arteries
  • Blowing your brains out
  • And many, many more!
Because there are few things more embarrassing than tying a rope around your neck, and stepping off of a chair... only to wake up in the hospital with your whole family standing around you. They will look at you and know that - yet again - you have failed.

Do you really want to put your family through that?

Help is only a phone call away, so why put it off any longer? After a lifetime of heartbreak, disappointment and failure, make the last thing you do a dazzling success! Operators and standing by. Call now:

(1-900 Get-Dead)

"Because there's nothing more satisfying than a job well done".TM

$3.99 per minute, 15 minute minimum.


WNG said...

Is it wrong of me to want to send this to certain people... and not for the laughs?


Captain Smack said...

I believe that would be cruel, yes.

Then on the other hand, it would mean more exposure for me, so I guess it kind of karmicly balances out.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

To your credit, $3.99/minute is extremely reasonable given the circumstances. You could easily have gouged them for more, but you didn't -- and that speaks volumes about your company's ethical stance in the community.

Helen said...

Aaah, Captain, I'm not sure if I want to laugh or step aside gracefully before the bolts start flying...

Captain Smack said...

I really could charge more. What would they care if their credit card gets maxed out?

I know what you mean. I consider that kind of thing all the time.

Anonymous said...

If only I called before my last suicide attempt.

GT said...

Nobody's mentioned Owen yet. Strange.

Could have helped this one too

Captain Smack said...

Mr Underhill:
You should hang on to that number.

Wow. Talk about your life going down the toilet.

Erica AP said...

If I call you with relationship problems instead will you guys help me? I mean, I will still be paying you and in business, isn't that what counts?

cooper green said...

Very tasteful, Cap'n., but something's missing. I can see some cross-promo opportunities with Waste Management, kind of a "one-stop topping" deal. Maybe Dr. Kevorkian could do the phone voice-overs: "Hi, this is Jack Kevorkian. Your call is important to us ...". That kind of thing.

jungle jane said...

Heaps of stuff is more satisfying than a job well done. Cunninglingus, for starters...

This comment has been removed by the author.

LMAO YOU nutter, that was excellent!
What are your success rates though and do you have other choices?

Kitty said...

I'm going to forward a link of your business advertisement to my pyschologist. He puts up with loads of fucking losers always trying to top themselves!

He complains of his endless workload due to the numbers of fucked up dickhead patients he has to put up with, many of whom would benefit from your helpful services Captain, perhaps if you guys inter-network and think outside some squares, be a little proactive and team-play with each other, you could both fleece some bank accounts from potential Astrayan suiciders who just need the right guidance to end their boring existances.

These people are an environmental burden! They should be ashamed (probably already are hey?) They are contributing to the green house thingies and land fills and use precious water that other happy people could be showering in or drinking.

Have you considered tapping into the funeral industry? You could really package this up poppet. With the right mind-fuck you could guilt these losers into forking out for their burial costs before they leap into the bath with a toaster.

Lucrativeness for all. We should have lunch and brainstorm a bit. I mean, how hard can it be to make a coffin?

Anonymous said...

You sound like my husband, the paramedic.

Captain Smack said...

You can call us for relationship advice if you want, but I should warn you that the scope of our councilors' training is rather narrow, so most of their advice will still involve nooses, pills, guns, etc.

We tried to get Kevorkian on board, but he totally sold out after that dinky little 5 year prison term, the wuss. We're talking with OJ Simpson's agents, however, and, barring any future jail time (which seems unlikely) it looks promising.

Actually, "There's nothing more satisfying than a job well done" was the slogan from our old business, Captain Smack's Hottt Sexxx Brothel & Janitorial Service, and we decided to just transfer it to the new business since we already had it trademarked.

We don't mind getting a little creative, in fact we encourage it. It keeps it fun for everyone. Just last week we had a guy who went out using a diving board, a ninja sword and an old car battery.

Those are some excellent ideas, Kitty, and I see a bright future ahead for you here in the suicide industry! We provide a highly proactive working environment, and our team players frequently interface with each other in order to leverage a synergistic brain-dump, which we feel is mission-critical. As long as our market ventures remain scalable, then it's a win-win for us and our expanding support base.

For example, at our last board meeting we were tossing around the notion of utilizing the environmental angle, like "one less human = three more sq. feet of ozone layer", something like that.

Let's do a power-brunch and hash out some solutions. Have your people contact my people, and we'll set up some face-time. I like the cut of your jib.

I'm not sure which paramedic you're talking about. The one with the short brown hair, or the one with the beard?

Scum Department said...

when I'm feeling emo and crying to myself while having a hung-over shit, I always think it'd be nice to but a shotgun to my mouth, there and then and pull the trigger.

It'd be such a post modern way to go, not mention visually and nasally stimulating. Shotgun between the legs, shit in the bowl, half a face and blood all over the wall.

I'd do it except I generally forget to get the gun before I go the to bathroom, which is usually what inspires the crying.

Captain Smack said...

Scum Department:
Dude. Not to be critical of your idea or anything, but... while the whole shotgun-in-mouth-while-taking-a-shit thing is effective, it's also very 1997. That's my professional opinion. Loud, grandiose exits are out. What's fashionable these days is a more minimalistic approach. Think "less is more". I'd suggest something fairly understated, like hanging yourself with a gym sock while in your undershorts. Nothing too flashy. If you must leave a note, keep it short and to the point, like "all i see is darkness" or "you win", something along those lines. Hope this helps.

willis said...

If only 1000 of the 3000+ potential suicide candidates call in for the $3.99/minute special for the 15 minutes minimum, you only gross about $60000. 60 ain't bad. It'll keep you in cantalopes but still not on easy street. the Its a good plan but somehow you have to get more folks interested in suicide to really cash in.

morbid misanthrope said...

Working for your hotline full time is probably out of the question—I imagine it’s a rather sought-after and therefore exclusive job. I would, however, be totally willing to work freelance, or as a consultant if you prefer the tax-evasion friendly term, for your fine business. So far this year alone, I’ve pushed seventeen goths, thirty-three emo kids, five teenagers with terminal diseases, two recently dumped people with broken hearts, and one mentally ill schizophrenic guy (which you could count as, like, four people) over the edge—i.e., talked shit to them until they killed themselves.

Perhaps I could just make some people feel teetering-on-the-brink shitty and send them your way—like a referral or something. I’m also really good at laughing at people’s pain, saying really inappropriate things at really inappropriate times, and twisting Kant’s Categorical Imperative (or Hypothetical Imperatives, if you prefer) into a logical, moral argument in favor of a person’s self-inflicted death.

Shit, Cap, you want to branch out? I’ll go to callers’ houses and harass people on the edge—by screaming lyrics from Pantera’s “Suicide Note Part 2” at them and breaking their stuff, for example—until they mainline H2SO4 or whatever.

You know how much I like to help people. Especially when the court orders it. Working for your hotline would count as community service, right? ‘Cause I got a lot of hours I need to take care of.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps you could have some Will experts on hand as well? They might leave you something if you are really good -like a sort of posthumous tip...

Gorilla Bananas said...

Why do these people never feed themselves to wild animals? I call that selfish.

B said...

I work on a psych unit and though it's probably wrong I showed this post at work and we had a laugh

we are human!

Have a great week end

B said...

p.s I have been trying to cut down on my LOL's

it ain't easy:)


I love the way you capitalize my name- like I am all V.I.P or something. Would that entitle me to a discount?

Prunella Jones said...

I don't know about this, Captain. If I had known this exsisted I might have been tempted to call it. I mean, just the other day while I was filling out a job application for Hooters, it occured to me that I am never going to marry Johnny Depp. I will never live with him in the french countryside and spend my days smoking, drinking wine, and looking mysterious. I can't tell you the pain that flashed through me when I realized that! I really wanted to off myself. Or at least eat so much ice cream that I get fat, which would be just as bad as death if not worse. I was just squirting whipped cream on a gigantic banana split when I remembered that you can get high off of the nitrous oxide in whipped cream cans. Ahhhh, after I killed a few million brain cells I felt a lot better.

Having said that, I do admire your entrepreneurial spirit. I just hope you won't outsource your call center to India. There is nothing worse than having to talk to some heavily accented Indian dude named Roger when your trying to ask your bank a question. I can't imagine what it would do if I was trying to find out the best way to kill myself.

Captain Smack said...

I like where you're going with that. We need to make suicide "cool" again, like it was in the early 90's.

Just so you know, our suicide councilors are trained to keep the customer on the phone as long as possible, which isn't usually very difficult, as many of them are starving for attention. Wow, that sounds kind of evil when I put it like that... oh well.

We could definitely use your special skills, and I'm sure there must be some way to get registered with the Department of Corrections as a community service sponsor.

We were actually thinking of expanding our business model to include a "premium" service, which would include an actual visit to the victim's i mean customer's house, to give them some "hands on" assistance and motivational support. This might be right up your ally.

yet another great idea. I'll have the legal department look into it, and I'm sure we can work around any ethical problems that might come up.

Gorilla Bananas:
I agree with you, GB. I always thought that after my death I could just be catapulted into a state park and let the animals have their shot. Lord knows, I've eaten enough of them.

Well, if any of your customers, I mean patients, seem like they may need our services, please be sure to send them our way. And when it comes to LOL's, it might be best to go cold turkey. Why drag it out?

Capital letters? I don't know what you're talking about. We might, however, consider a discount if you refer a friend or family member. Maybe we'll give you, say, 5 free minutes for every client you send our way.

Here at the Hottt-line, we are proud to say that all of our services are 100% US based! USA! USA! Ice cream - as unhealthy as it is - is probably not the best way to go, although I do see some real potential with nitrous oxide. I'm thinking something along the lines of a gas mask with a head strap. It might actually be kind of fun, and a good way to "liven up" a suicide.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what a public service you are offering.

What if I dont' want to end the job completely but just want to be knocked out for a week or so? Can you help me with suitable drugs/dosage?

Thanks Captain, I await your response. The zoloft and gin just arent doing the trick anymore.

M@ said...

I have a thing for suicidal chicks.

Kitty said...

m@ - i wanna die baby. so hard.

Steph said...

lmao, I'm sending that to my boss. Maybe she might get the hint.

Fatman said...

Cap- There is a Japanese Suicide Manual by Wataru Tsurumi which goes into graphic detail of every kind of suicide imaginable (including a method, if you are a woman, of putting a broom handle up your "naughty bit" and jumping to a lower platform, on the broom, splitting you in half. It'd be like getting raped by a horse. Or Tyson)

Oh, and just on your comment about "The Juice", O.J. may get incarcarated again unless his legal team can get him off the recent Las Vegas robbery.

Gledwood said...

Do you like heroin, cap'n Smack? Just wondering...

As for suicide: have you any handy tips and pointers for "doing it" in front of an express train?

That's my favoured method when I go.

2nd favourite, cutting major blood vessel - any "pointers" gratefully accepted


"Vol 2"...

Cunning Linguist said...

why 3.99 a minute? Why not 50 bucks per. It's not like they have to pay the bill so who gives a shit, right?

Captain Smack said...

Putting yourself into a week-long drug stupor is not really within the scope of what we are trying to achieve here at the Hottt-line. I can, however, put you in touch with one of my "associates" who specializes in such things. For a mere $200, you can be in cartoon-land for a week and a half.

I know where you're coming from. No one is better in bed than a chick with nothing to lose.

I never realized you were so goth.

Let her know that we're running a special "Executive Disount" this week: 2 for the price of 1, upper-management types only.

The Japanese seem to have a manual for everything. If there's one thing they're good at, it's being good at stuff. I don't think the broomstick thing would play well here in the states, but it certainly shows creativity, something we strive for.

Oh, yeah, heroin's great. One of the most effective suicide tools around. But then diving in front of a train has a little more style.

Cunning Linguist:
Well, it's only $3.99 for the first minute, then $39.99 for each minute after. We don't want to scare off anyone who's on the fence.

kiki said...

how do they pay?

credit card info on connection?

Zoning Out Again said...

You probably thought I committed suicide didn't you? Well, I didn't, but how well this goes with my last post about my future funeral home.
If I decide to check out early, on my own terms, I will be sure to check out your hot-line! I think as one of your "Stamp of Approval" groupies, I should get some sort of discount on the calls.
I've been away...Did Jesus and Elvis ever get their own avatars and start commenting with the rest of us? They are your personal friends aren't they?
Come on over and start thinking about what your "clean version" guest post will be about.
:0) CLEAN! (G clean!) (Not G as in gansta, or G as in string, or G as in Gay, or G as in Gross. You get it). Miss you!!!!!!!!!

phishez_rule said...

"Because there's nothing more satisfying than a job well done"

Is it possible to be satisfied if you're dead?

Miss Smack said...

I think so, Phish. What do you think? This could go on an entirely different philosophical tangent!

Captain Smack said...

Credit card, yes, but it really doesn't have to be their own credit card, any card will do.

Zoning Out Again:
Well well well, look who decided to grace us with her presence. So you want Captain Smack to write something "G" rated, huh? That's asking a lot, and we still haven't discussed what you're going to do for me (though I assure you it won't be "G" rated).

I really have no idea. I once read in Vogue magazine that pondering deep, philosophical questions is the leading cause of depression, so I try not to think about that kind of stuff.

Miss Smack:
I'll ask Moonflower, she works in our advertising department and seems to know all about stuff like that. She heals people with crystals, and is a High Priestess of the "Church of the True Light Beaver", so she must know what she's talking about.

Miss Smack said...

hhehhe I would also suggest bulk purchase of wide rimmed buckets for hangings.. they're very messy.

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack, we also reccommend that our clients put on a pair of diapers beforehand.

MsPuddin said...

I think everyone suffering from depression should read your blog. Of course, they might not get the joke...


NYCPonderings Chick said...

I think you are infringing on the rights of a show on E! channel called 'Sunset Tan', I believe it was the first show on air to offically cause people to particpate in mass hangings afterwards

Miss B said...

stellar, luv... as always, you ARE the man.

Digital Scott's illustrationblog said...

Pretty darn funny.

Captain Smack said...

I agree. This blog needs more people with mental problems, that's what it's missing.

NYCPonderings Chick:
I'll recommend that show to our clients.

Miss B:
"We just want to be free... free to ride our machines without getting hassled by Captain Smack."

-- The Wild Angels

Digital Scott:
"What do mean 'funny'? Oh, so now I'm here for your amusement? I mean, funny like I'm a clown? I amuse you? How am I funny?"

-- Goodfellas

Mayden' s Voyage said...

...make the last thing you do a dazzling success~

I feel bad for laughing at this~

Captain Smack said...

Mayden, you shouldn't feel bad about it... but if you start feeling really bad, be sure to call 1-900-438-3323. We're here to help.

Hale McKay said...

Hello, Captain. Reporting for duty as a new reader of your blog. Thanks for the visit and comments over at my place, which of course led me to your site.

When I have the time, I really want to read that '101 things'

I am returning to my site to add you to my blogroll - and I only add GOOD sites there.

I'll be back.

unique_stephen said...

This is one of the most insensitive things I have ever read. Please take a moment to consider the impact that this post will have on all those poor call center workers manning the prevention hot lines that your service will be putting on the welfare queue as their client base quickly diminishes.

p.s have you thought of offering the service in other languages such as Islandic?

Josh said...

I think you need to get more call center staff.

I just tried to call your hottt-line and spent so long on hold that by the time I had progressed to "you are the next call in the que to be snuffed.." I had mistakenly found a reason to live.

A faster call turn around is needed or else more customers like me will slip through the noose and end up living needlessly.

Captain Smack said...

Hale McKay:
Why, thank you! It's always nice to see a new face, and I'll be stopping back by over at your place as well.

I hate for anyone to lose their job -- but from a purely business perspective, the more jobless people out there, the more potential clients we acquire. Hey, it's a dog-eat-dog world.

As for new languages, we once tried expanding our customer base to include Japanese and Arabic speaking peoples, but it turns out that many of them are already quite competent in this area, and don't seem to need our help.

We are trying to expand our support staff, especial with Suicide Season (aka Christmas) coming up in just a couple of months. Unfortunately, there is a high turnover rate in this industry, as many of our employees end up taking their own advice and offing themselves. Call it a work-related hazard, I guess.

Madam Z said...

Both of my parents committed suicide, so I already know how to do it, but thanks anyway.

Captain Smack said...

I really am sorry your parents committed suicide, Madam. I make jokes about a lot of things that are actually very horrible, and I hope you don't take it as a personal attack.

Spencer said...

great service but, one thing i'm not clear on - when does the satisfaction of a job well done part happen? i guess you feel satisfied in your next life? just thinking out loud......

Captain Smack said...

Spencer, that's too philosophical a question for me. You'll have to ask our ad agency, it was their idea, and they probably understand the metaphysical parts better than I do.

ann said...

You are the Whole package...humanitarian, have good hair, witty, that's all I can think of right now, I'll get back to you. When do we get another installment of WTFWJD?

Madam Z said...

Thanks, Captain. Don't worry; I
"don't take it as a personal attack." Sometimes it's helpful to view terrible things with humor. That's the effect I was hoping for when I read your very clever satire. It didn't work for me, but it was childish of me to make the comment I did.

Rock on!

Bock the Robber said...

I'm reminded of this beautiful poem by Dudley Moore:

As I was walking down the street one day
I saw a house on fire
There was man, standing at an upper-storey window
Shouting and screaming at the crowd that was gathered there below
For he was sore afraid

Jump! You fucker, jump!
Jump into this here blanket what we are holding
And you will be all right
He jumped, hit the deck, broke his fucking neck -
There was no blanket

Laugh?! We nearly shat!
We had not laughed so much since Grandma died
Or Auntie Mabel caught her left tit in the mangle
We are miserable sinners
Fi-i-ilthy fuckers


qofd said...

Um... can I call your hotline on behalf of a few family members that I would like to see do themselves in?

Jules said...

I don't know whether to laugh my arse off or feel like a loser because I have been one of those that failed miserably!! (Does trying to slit your wrists with the little pointy bit off your watch strap count as an attempt?)

Love the catapult idea, would have suited the area with the whole Lord of the Rings setting in the background. Damn it, should have done that one.

Old Knudsen said...

I was in a suicide squad in the army and so don't find this very funny, Madam Z's comment was funny, squirm baby, true or not.

obviously I lived.

Captain Smack said...

I guess it is about time for another WTFWJD post, I don't know what's taking Him so long...

Oh, and Raoul, my stylist, says thanks.

Madam Z:
Rock on I shall - and thanks for saying that. And there's nothing wrong with a little reality check every now and then.

I never realized that Dudley was such a delicate flower.

Yes! In fact we have a kick-back referral program, you should sign up.

Don't feel bad, at least you didn't try to OD on baby aspirin.

By the way, after I commented about the catapult, I thought of a whole slew of other practicle uses for them, I'll have to share that soon.

So if you're in a suicide squad and end up living, do they dock some of your pay?

Jin said...

A most wicked post Capt Smack - you've brightened up my day!
Ironically, if a poor sod tries to top himself here (in the UAE) & fails, he's taken to court & punished with either a fine or jail time!

Captain Smack said...

Jin, that's just one more reason to call the Hottt-line - avoid fines and penalties. The slogan could be: Remember - it's only against the law if you fail.

~Miss Smack said...

You know, it would suck hairy dogs balls if someone was trying to do this and actually fucked it up.

james mitchell said...

You forgot jumping in front of train hahaha

About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.