Tuesday, May 1, 2007

A Captain Smack Special Edition:

How to Start Your Own Religion
(A 12-Step Plan)





It's a flimsy world out there. Things are not always as they seem. We struggle to understand the universe around us, yet so many questions are left unanswered by science...

Why are we here?
How did it all begin?
What is our real purpose?
Is Tom Cruise gay or what?

As we search for answers, the battle between good and evil rages on without pause. Innocent people are senselessly murdered, small children are stricken with horrible diseases, and your favorite TV shows keep getting canceled mid-season. Meanwhile, despicable men rake in mountains of wealth, mass murderers run free, and the most powerful man on the planet can't even pronounce the word “nuclear”.

It's enough to make a person give up, cash in their chips, and hand it all over to a Supreme Being - even one that never returns phone calls.

Whether or not this Being actually cares about you is hard to say. It's possible such a Being doesn't even exist at all. But, for many folks, buying your way off of the roller coaster of cosmic doubt just seems a lot easier than trying to figure out how the whole twisted contraption works in the first place. And, for these people, there is an entire industry dedicated to manufacturing and servicing their hopes, fears and justifications.

That industry is Religion.

Now, If you're on the right side of religion - the upper-management side - you can have all the fun while the pee-ons do all the work. All you have to do is give them something to believe in. And they, apparently, will believe just about anything. So why join someone else's religion... when you can just start your own?

Believe it or not, starting your own religion is not as hard as it seems. Simply follow Captain Smack's EZ 12-Step Guide, and, before you know it, you will have your very own following - just like Jesus, Vishnu, or Metallica.

Step 1: The Creation of the Universe - No, seriously
If you're going to start your own religion, you'll need to come up with some kind of explanation for How-We-All-Got-Here-In-The-First-Place. The "I don't know" answer (while true and honest) has never been all that popular. Children will ask their parents "how did we all get here?", and the parents don't like to say "I have no idea". You might appear stupid in front of the child and lose your authoritative edge. Best to have a story prepared.

The good news is, it doesn't matter how ridiculous the story might sound. Creation myths are some of the most implausible explanations ever used for anything, yet no one seems to mind at all. The story could be as simple as: “The Mighty Ear of Corn shot forth a Great Kernel, and that Kernel is now the planet on which we live”. Boom, you're done. All of creation explained. And if they get pesky and want to know how "The Mighty Ear of Corn" came into existence? - tell them: "It has just always been there"; or better yet: "That is not for us to know" (which, by the way, is an excellent catch-all answer to plug up any other holes in your belief system).

Step 2: Big Daddy - The Good Guy
You're going to need a Messiah, a Prophet, a Big Daddy… aka “The Good Guy”. Any good religion, like any good story, needs a hero. It's true that some religions have multiple gods, but I would advise against it. If you want lots of gods complicating everything for you, go right ahead, but keep this in mind: all of the Fortune 500 Religions have either one god, or at least one main God. Sure, Dionysus was technically a god… but we all know who Big Daddy was, and that was Zeus.

So, following this principal, what kind of god do you want representing for you? You have a lot of options here: Your god can be a scary god, a nice god, a vengeful god, a forgiving god, a hairy god, a father-figure god, a mother-figure god… you could even have a hip, captain-figure god. But why choose one when you can have all the above?

Nobody wants a two-dimensional, paint-by-numbers god (actually, some people do want that, but they quickly lose interest). So go ahead and create a god that is complicated, hard to predict and easily offended. Have a god that is both wrathful and forgiving. Have a god that is sometimes scary, but sometimes nice... a god that rewards you with chocolates, but then punishes you for getting fat - only to accuse you of vanity when you go on a diet. But then, after you've lost the weight, forgives you and feeds you more chocolates to "comfort" you. This is the kind of god that matters to people, the kind of god that really affects them, deep down, where it hurts the best.

Gods can come in all shapes and sizes, but certain "looks" are more effective than others. Animal gods were once all the rage, but these types of gods came and went. Extensive marketing research shows that, if you want a god who won't go limp halfway to the Apocalypse, your going to need one shaped somewhat like a human. Preferably with male genitalia. And a beard never hurts.

Your god should have at least one easily distinguishable physical feature (it doesn't matter if your god is completely non-physical, it still has to look like something). Some already-used examples are long, white, wavy hair, or a beautifully round, fat belly, or, if you really want to kick it old school, an enormous, erect penis. Come up with something different, but memorable; why not give your god three retractable horns? Or a mouth within a mouth within a mouth? Or here's one: instead of a nose, a finger coming out of the middle of its face! See how easy it is? It doesn't even have to make sense, it just has to be strange, thought-provoking, and a little intimidating.

Step 3: And So It Was, Yada Yada - The Divine Stories
Everyone loves a good story, especially when it involves talking animals, incest, and lightning shooting from someone's finger tips. Coming up with long, highly symbolic fables may seem like a real chore, but it can actually be quite fun! The trick is to not think about it too much. Just turn your super-ego off, pour a glass of inspiration, and start typing. Let your fingers do the work. The stories should be rich in Jungian imagery, and, like everything else in religion, they don't have to make a whole lot of sense. In fact, you can just wake up each morning and write down your own dreams (changing the names and faces, of course), and, after a month or so, you'll have your very own stylistically inconsistent tales of supernatural wonder.

Not that good at remembering dreams? Hey, no problem - here are a few tried-and-true classic elements to get you started. Incorporate these into your stories, and feel free to mix-n-match as you like:

  • Things that talk that aren't supposed to talk
  • Things that look a lot like spaceships (but are NOT spaceships)
  • People who get transformed into something weird because they didn't follow orders
  • A son or daughter who has sex with their mother or father, but nobody seems to think it's weird
  • A very small, under-equipped army inexplicably defeats a very large, well-equipped army
  • It looked like The Good Guy, but was actually The Bad Guy
  • Someone had a dream, and then the dream came true (more or less)
  • They didn't believe the Village Idiot's prediction, so they all died in a horrific mudslide
  • The madman turned out to be sane
  • The sane man turned out to be mad
  • The dead man turned out to be alive
  • The cow turned out to be a Forbidden Thingamajig (see below)
  • The town whore is "forgiven" for being such a delicious little hottie
  • Certain numbers keep mysteriously reappearing, as if they "mean" something (the "meaning" is never revealed)
  • And, of course, lots and lots of people killing each other for every conceivable reason.

Just take these little plot-points, work in your own unresolved issues and personal hang-ups, translate it back and forth through several dead languages, and before you know it you'll have a collection of stories that will have scholars scratching their heads raw for ages and ages. Oh, and don't forget to include a coloring book version for the kids!

Step 4: Creating The Rules - the do's and don'ts of "The Do's and Don'ts"
One of religion's main attractions is the code of ethics - the rights and wrongs, the do's and don'ts, the just-say-when's. Mortals are weak and stupid - it's hard figuring this stuff out for yourself… and the responsibility for deciding what's right and what's wrong can be a real headache, so it's good to create some basic "rules" for your followers to break.

It's ok to be vague here - in fact, it's preferable. While people like having their morality spoon-fed to them, they also enjoy arguing with each other. And if you're really going for mass appeal, be sure to throw in at least a couple of rules that are impossible to follow. Nothing keeps people in line like a steady flow of guilt and self-doubt. In other words, don't just tell them that they can't have Filet Mignon - tell them they can't even want Filet Mignon. This uses the "Forbidden Thingamajig" principle, which has worked quite effectively for a long time. Believe me - even if they have never ordered a steak in their lives, they will suddenly want Filet Mignon every time they drive past a Sizzler.

But too much guilt can hurt your religion and cause defectors. Best to have a "release valve" for all that guilt, in the form of "atonement". Atonement is great, because you are providing both the problem and the solution. And it creates a neat little cycle:

A. Do something "bad"
B. Punish yourself with guilt
C. Beg for forgiveness
D. Feel relieved and grateful
E. Rinse and Repeat

Wasn't that fun? Keep your followers on this easy-to-assemble hamster wheel of self-loathing/redemption, and they won't even have time to wonder how The Mighty Ear of Corn came into existence.

It's also good to lay down some rules that have nothing to do with anything. For example, tell them that they must always touch their noses while going to the bathroom. This, while not only mysterious (and therefore divine) keeps them guessing. Plus, it gives your flock one more thing to argue about with each other. Here are the types of questions that are certain to come up, but are probably better left unanswered:

"Am I to touch my nose the entire time, or just at some point during my bathroom visit?"

"Does this rule include number one and number two?"

"What if I'm peeing outside, and am not technically using a 'bathroom'? Do I still have to touch my nose?"

"What about young children who pee in the bed while asleep? - did they 'do wrong' because they didn't touch there nose?"

Etc, etc, etc…

Not only will they argue over these critical distinctions, they will begin to settle some of these arguments, and through this process the religion will evolve and develop on its own, creating new rules and sub-sets of rules. All you have to do is plant the seed. And if your followers can't agree on the bathroom issue, then they will divide into sub-sects and hate each other, which revitalizes the religion, keeping it competitive and healthy.

Step 5: Rituals - Put your left foot in, take your left foot out
Everyone has rituals, whether they mean to or not. Farmers have rituals. Baseball players have rituals. Even pot-heads (well, especially pot-heads) have rituals. Not only does it make the time go by, it's a great way to feel like you're in control, like you know what you're doing. If you're going to have your own religion, your going to have some rituals, there's no way around it.

Some rituals are very complex, but remember - they didn't get that way overnight. The thing about ceremonial customs is that they have a way of evolving and growing in complexity all on their own. This is a natural process, and it makes your job a whole lot easier. Don't waste your time inventing a 400 step, play-by-play sequence of events. All you have to do is create a few basic "Sacred Gestures". Your followers will add things, one by one until, eventually, they are hopping on one foot down a "Red Carpet of Truth", with one finger on their noses, singing "The 49 Prayers of Delusion" while swinging "The Chain of Lizards" in honor of "The Day of Macaroni" and wearing "The Elaborate Gown of Perpendicular Sawdust". People love this kind of crap; it's highly entertaining to watch, is a great marketing gimmick, and there's a ton of money to be made on red carpets, lizard chains and sawdust gowns.

Step 6: Religious Symbols - The Sacred Doodles
Symbolism and Religion go together like Alcohol and Unprotected Sex. It's highly recommended that you come up with a few doodles that will serve as Sacred Symbols, for these are the logo's of your religion, and are a great way to "brand" your unique belief system, so that people will be able to distinguish it from all the other unique belief systems at a quick glance.

Don't get too complicated with your symbology - keep it simple. A general rule of thumb: if a drunk person can't scribble it on a martini napkin with a ball-point pen, then it's too complicated and won't stick in people's heads. It's also recommended that you incorporate some very common shapes into your symbols; things you might see in nature, or in a grocery store perhaps. This way your followers are reminded of their beliefs on a daily basis. Plus, it's free advertising! If one of your symbols is a curved tube, for example, then your followers will be reminded of their divine duties every time they use a vibrator or eat macaroni & cheese. It will also allow them to make connections between things that are otherwise unconnected, and give them inspirational "cues" or "omens" that, while completely random, will seem profoundly significant and magical, as if from a higher power. Let the macaroni & cheese do the work for you.

Step 7: The Sacred Objects - Relics and Doodads
People like sacred "thingies" to go along with their belief system. All the religions have them - little symbolic ornaments and trinkets they can put on their coffee tables. Not only do they add a bit of pizzazz to your living room, or look snazzy hanging from your rearview mirror, they are also great conversation starters, which gives the propagation of your religion a little "nudge". The neighbor stops by for coffee and says "what's that thing?" Before long she's got one on her coffee table. Plus, you can sell them in the "Sacred Gift Shop" for a nice little profit.

Helpful hint: Don't make your Sacred Objects too large. Your followers should be able to carry them with one hand, and easily fit them on his or her desk at work. Sometimes these knick-knacks can double as actual tools for divination, like magic eight-balls (but for adults), that your followers can use for guidance and entertainment when the cable's out. Or just make one of your sacred symbols into a candle. This way you incorporate fire, which always seems kind of ceremonial (and adds a touch of "danger")... or perhaps make one of your symbols into a night light or air-freshener. You can print up t-shirts and bumper-stickers that showcase your sacred symbol, or have your slogans on doormats - the possibilities are endless.

Step 8: Them - The Bad Guys
Every great action movie has good-guys and bad-guys. It's a simple device used by Hollywood to keep the audience from becoming confused and wondering why everyone is killing everyone else. Why should your religion be any different?

Now, we all know who the Good Guys are - that's us, obviously. So who are the Bad Guys? And why are they always trying to destroy us?

A well designed religion should never run out of Bad Guys. In fact, the Bad Guys should be everywhere, all around us, all the time. It is they who are causing all the problems in the world. It is they who are blind and refuse to accept the truth. And it is they who started this whole mess in the first place (any mess can apply, even imaginary ones). If only they would just see the light - or die. Either way, this keeps your followers busy and makes them feel better about themselves, while simultaneously taking the heat off of your own god when things go wrong.

Step 9: Evil Incarnate - THE Bad Guy
Unlike the Bad Guys (who are everywhere and are easily accessible), there inevitably has to be "THE Bad Guy" - The One True Bad Guy who cannot be killed or converted. He is the root of all badness, like a weed that cannot be yanked from the Garden of Righteousness (or whatever) by anyone except The Good Guy himself (which will definitely happen at some point in the near future, most likely in our lifetimes). THE Bad Guy cannot be defeated by us, because - and this is crucial - when he's gone, the whole operation's gone. A religion without a Bad Guy? What would be the point?

The Bad Guy can be anything you want, as long as he or she is a worthwhile adversary. You don't want some bumbling idiot as the enemy; that's no fun at all. Also, The Bad Guy should have some attractive or admirable qualities, like good looks, cool hair, technological advancements or amazing guitar abilities. It also helps if The Bad Guy has access to The Forbidden Thingamajig (whatever that may be) and is able to offer it freely. This creates a demand for The Bad Guy, while also reinforcing the inherent "wrongness" of the Forbidden Thingamajig itself.

Step 10: The Really Nice Place - All You Can Eat!
Generally speaking, life is a slime-sucking eddy of despair, filled with long periods of extreme disappointment followed by brief moments of false hope. Everyone over the age of 12 knows this, and without massive amounts of mind-altering substances or electro-shock therapy at your disposal, it's difficult to convince people otherwise.

But does this mean you can't offer them true happiness? Does this mean they can't have everything they've ever wanted and a side order of fries? Of course they can have all those things, and more... er, just not right this second. But once they're dead, that's when the FUN begins, baby, that's when The Great After-Party gets started right! So say goodbye shit hole, hello fantasy land - you're going to The Really Nice Place!

When it comes to designing your own Really Nice Place, make it however you like - but give the people what they want. Keep in mind: modern folks have many Really Nice Places to choose from; some with lots of wiggly little virgins, some with shiny harps you can play like a pro without having to take lessons, and some with killer 3-D psychedelic graphics. You need to zero in on your target audience, your particular demographic. So ask yourself: "what kind of over-indulgent crap would my followers get off on? What are they into?" Do a little research, find out what your people obsess over. Perhaps they can finally have The Forbidden Thingamajig, for it is no longer forbidden.

And The Really Nice Place should be really, really nice; the kind of place that makes Disney Land look like Cambodia. It's good to throw in some accouterments, like personalized gold-plated Goblets with their names engraved on the side, or rivers of various substances that, on Earth, are very expensive, like wine or Red Bull. And give them personal upgrades as well - like wings, so they can fly around, or special surf-boards that they won't fall off of.

And while your at it, get rid of all those typical pain-in-the-ass problems that plague Earth dwellers. Overweight? Not in The Really Nice Place, you aren't. You can eat from the Cherry Garcia Mountain all day long and never gain a pound. Hey, missing a leg? It's waiting for you here at The Really Nice Place, come and get it! You're an alcoholic or drug addict? You won't need drugs here - It's like your on high-grade heroin twenty-four hours a day, but with none of the nasty side effects or jail-time.

A Really Nice Place is a great incentive to recruit believers. But sometimes it's not enough. Some people are actually happy with their lives, and are simply not that motivated by positive reinforcements alone. These people will need a negative reinforcement to round out the picture. Sometimes you have to hit them with a one-two punch - come at them from both directions at once and mind-fuck them into accepting The One True Path. Sometimes you have to offer them eternal bliss… and then scare the living shit out of them. Which brings us to…

Step 11: The "Other" Place - Now You're Screwed
If you think life on Earth sucks, you ain't seen nothing. Give them a Not-So-Really-Nice Place; an Oh-My-God-This-Is-So-Fucking-Horrible Place. A place that makes Cambodia look like Disney Land. The Other Place.

And if you're going to have an Other Place for the Bad Guys, don't hold back - pull out all the stops, and really let em' have it.

What's the worst thing you can imagine? Being on fire? Imprisonment? Celibacy? Or maybe it's being stuck on the Atlanta freeway, forever unable to make your exit. Either way, it doesn't matter, because it's nothing compared to the tortures that await you in The Other Place. And how long do you spend there? Forever and ever and ever.

Now, to some people, that might seem a bit much. Why do they have to suffer for the rest of eternity? Why not give them time off for good behavior? You might find yourself feeling some sympathy for the poor fools, you might want to give them a chance to get out of The Other Place once they are there for a while…

Don't do it. That's my advice.

When it comes to Eternal Damnation, don't go soft, don't give em' any wiggle-room. They have to make up their minds while they are still here on Earth. What's the point in letting people out? They chose their path (all the while laughing at you and your followers, by the way), so now they have to pay the piper. Besides... all the Sacred Gift Shops are here on Earth. So make sure they understand: play your cards wrong, and you could end up in... The Other Place.

Step 12: Enlightenment - How to Get Your Hands on Some
Some religions like to offer "enlightenment", which, unlike The Really Nice Place, is a little sump'n-sump'n you can get while you're still alive… kind of a pre-death "bonus" you can reward your more astute followers with for doing their homework. But enlightenment will not be easy to attain - it will take a lot of hard work.

Fortunately, to create the rules for attaining enlightenment, you don't have to actually do any of the hard work yourself. You just have to lay down the instructions. This can be a bit tricky. It may take some actual research and cosmic exploration. But if you want to take an easy short-cut, just do what everyone else does: rip off the Tibetans. Just take their sacred text, rearrange the order of things here and there, change some of the words around, slap your logo on it, and wah-lah! You now have your very own Bridge to Truth, which you can charge people to cross.

But if even that sounds like too much work, and you want to whip up a path-o-wisdom from scratch, here are some basic ingredients:

Boredom and Starvation
Make them sit under a fig tree for three days with no food. I promise you, they will have amazing "visions" which they will then excitedly tell everyone else about for weeks and weeks.

Mind-Bending Riddles
Come up with some mysterious sounding paradoxical commands. Tell them to "not think about a white dog", or tell them to "try to not try… but without trying to". This might just blow their minds, which is sort of like a mini-enlightenment, and will keep their appetites whetted.

Self Denial
Tell them that they are not allowed to do something that they normally would do all the time. Like talking, for example. Make them shut up for a couple of years and see what happens. Who knows? They might actually figure some stuff out.

Psychotropic Plants
This is an easy short cut, and can sometimes be fun for your followers. But make sure they go get the psychotropic plants themselves, as most countries have various laws about this sort of thing, and you don't want to be there when The Man kicks the door in. Also, don't allow your followers to do this too often, unless you want a bunch of hippie-types following you around all the time.

As you can see, a path to enlightenment doesn't have to be all that hard to throw together, and it won't cost you an arm and a leg. And the best part is, if any of this crap actually works, you get all the credit! And if it doesn't work? Well, hey, it's not your fault, it's their fault. They just weren't trying-not-to-try hard enough. Or too hard. Or whatever.

Well, that about wraps it up…
Like most worthwhile tasks, starting your own religion may seem a little daunting at first. But I hope that with this EZ 12-step guide, I have been able to shed a little light on the religion-making process, while smoothing out some of the cosmic wrinkles, and helping you to avoid the common pit-falls and embarrassing bloopers that other start-up religions (e.g. The Shakers) had to learn the hard way.

Leading the blind masses to spiritual salvation is no picnic - but with a little determination, a little elbow-grease, and an ego the size of the Taj Mahal, you can construct your own diabolical scheme to control the minds and pockets of the millions and millions of cow-like idiot consumers; those who graze in the pastures of ignorance, but hunger for the green grass of truthiness.

Teaching your own customized version of truth can be a tricky business, but just remember this one final rule: You don't have to believe it - you just have to believe in it. And that's what makes all the difference.

    62 comments:

    Anonymous said...

    FUCK!

    This entry should be known as "The REALLY New Testament"- The Gospel According to Smack.



    I is little tireded now..need sleepy.

    Anonymous said...

    my eyes are burning, but this is fantabulous!

    Erica Ann Putis said...

    This entry was long but well worth it. I believe now with your guidance that I too, can have my own religion and boss other people around while practicing it. This just might be my new profession.

    Captain Smack said...

    Utegirl:
    Sweet dreams...

    Dave:
    Thanks, and sorry about your eyes.

    Erica:
    Right on - bossing people around is the best part.

    Anonymous said...

    Great ideas Captain- I started a religion last year - with God as a plant. We have currently four followers - now I see what we did wrong. Its linked on my blog...

    The Boob Lady said...

    Amazing work Captain. Can there be some sort of uniform too?

    UBERMOUTH said...

    Nevermind what the unenlightened just said- THIS IS A STROKE OF FUCKING GENIUS! YOU ARE A MASTER! I am officially in love with you now and am all ready jealous of all the groupies sure to follow.
    Serioulsy THIS needs to be published somewhere! Copywrite it instantly!
    I am linking this to my blog.

    Lil said...

    Afternoon Captain,

    Your post brings to mind the book 'Hero with a thousand faces' which is based on a similar principle that all the great stories contain the same basic ingredients, from the story of Christ Our Lord* to Star Wars.

    Anyway, nice post.

    * I'm not religious by the way, I just liked the way it sounded.

    Lil said...

    PS 'wiggly little virgins' was my favourite line in that post

    Captain Smack said...

    mutleythedog
    I checked it out. Yeah, worshiping plants, that might be a hard sell...

    Well, you gave it a shot.


    Boob Lady
    Dammit, I forgot to include a subsection on attire. Well now I'm gonna have to write the whole thing over.


    UBE
    Wow, thank you! And are there really blog-groupies? How come no one's told me about this?


    Lil
    You know, Star Wars kind of is a religion, if you think about it.

    I guess everyone likes wiggly little virgins. Much more fun than the non-wiggly kind.

    Gorilla Bananas said...

    The town whore is "forgiven" for being such a delicious little hottie.

    I think that's from Bonanza rather than the Bible. Or was it Lonesome Dove? This is a foolproof guide apart from the idea of giving God a big penis. The elephants would then claim they were the chosen creatures and stomp all over the rest of us.

    Anonymous said...

    Well I have linked you already -you have put a lot more thought into this than I ever did -perhaps that is why I did not make it as a guru.

    Anonymous said...

    I am totally worshipping you right NOW, Cap'n.

    UBERMOUTH said...

    We ALL need to worship The Smack God!
    HOw to start your own religion? Write the best post in the histroy of WWW

    Helen said...

    Captain (if I may call you that) don't forget about incorporating SEX into your religion...e.g. the celibate or repressed aspect--titillates and makes an otherwise mundane romp with the milk maid cataclysmic!!

    the polygamous or group love aspect-- does this need explained? get the house cleaned and your pipes cleaned REGULARLY

    the monogamous aspect--(yaaawwwnn) oh wait, where were we?

    If you can control the sexual habits, you can control the pee-pole...especially when you find out the dish on the folk.

    Lovely idea Oh captain, my captain.

    Captain Smack said...

    Gorilla Bananas:
    As usual, GB, you bring a unique perspective. I would never have even considered the whole thing from an elephantile angle.

    mutley:
    You are a guru mutely, and you don't even know it. That is your blessing. That is your curse.

    Big Orange:
    Bless you, man! (and bring me your women)

    UBER MOUTH:
    UBE, you're making the Captain blush...

    Helen:
    Ah yea, I like where you're coming from, Helen. I also noticed that you only capitalized SEX & REGULARLY - a good sign.

    Steph said...

    Amazing! You are certifiable but a genius too so that rules out the first bit.

    I think you are well on the way to having your own religion. Where do I sign up? I want to worship at the feet of The Smack!

    P.S ubermouth made me come here, and i'm glad she did. I'm gonna out you next week. HUZZAH!!

    Captain Smack said...

    I'm getting outed by Steph - YAY! I can't wait - I'll even comb my hair and wear my nice shoes (which I normally only do for funerals and court appearances). By the way:

    "I want to worship at the feet of The Smack!" = Instant boner.

    D. C. Warmington said...

    Esteemed Cap'n

    A work of lofty genius, if I may make so bold. I particularly like:

    "Generally speaking, life is a slime-sucking eddy of despair, filled with long periods of extreme disappointment followed by brief moments of false hope."

    I am very jealous of your attracting all these nubile groupies. Such tragic & Leonard-Cohenesque sentiments appeal to them, as I proved before I succumbed to the remorseless mental and corporeal decay which leads inevitably to dementia on the one hand and putrefaction on the other.

    Captain Smack said...

    Why, thank you D.C. - coming from you, I consider that a real compliment.

    As for the laaydeees, what can I say - they loves da Captain. Just my luck they all live in freaking Australia.

    UBERMOUTH said...

    This is why we need to get married! I am NOT having THIS!

    Rosanna said...

    Sheer brilliance. I'm very glad Steph outed you, too. This is one of the funniest things I have ever read on a blog.

    /insert drool

    mist1 said...

    I've been working on starting my own cult. I pretty much have a flock, but I need more land for the compound. It seems that a condo is not spacious enough for the demands of my flock.

    Captain Smack said...

    Rosanna:
    Why, thankyou! Nice to have you aboard.

    Mist1:
    I have one word for you: Montana.

    The land is cheap, and the nut-job's aplenty.

    Anonymous said...

    Here's another guide to starting your own religion. LOL

    http://www.whatidiots.com/index.php/the-idiots-guide-to-starting-your-own-religion.htm

    The Dog of Freetown said...

    Oh good, you win. Good work.

    Anonymous said...

    may the glorious light of the all-seeing being shine upon you and your seed.

    you have spoken the words of power. now you must ride the ass of knowing.

    I give you the root of heraticoltis. this will help you in your journey. go now. and return. return soon with the excreation of gohajamic. THis is very important.

    May HIS eternal light shine through you and in you, now and at the hour of forgreth, until the end of time.

    Eve said...

    WHERE to start your own religion: http://cgi.ebay.com/Pennsylvania-renovated-church-near-Cumberland-Maryland_W0QQitemZ190125427517QQihZ009QQcategoryZ12605QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

    SamD said...

    I know I'm totally late to the party, but damn I'm glad I came. Best piece of writing I've read in ages. It blows the doors off Esquire's King story through which I just skimmed.

    I like the Jesus/Elvis thing too. Lots.

    DirkStar said...

    I think Timothy Leary already wrote this book...

    Madam Z said...

    Captain, you have nailed it! Basically, people want to know where everything came from, but they don't want to believe that it "just happened," and they want to believe that we don't actually die, but live forever in the hereafter, and they don't want the bad guys in their paradise, so there have to be exclusionary behaviours, and since most of those exclusionary behaviours are the things that make life on earth worth living,we have to have tons of GUILT to keep us miserable, so the afterlife seems like the only possible good thing, if only whatever-god-thing we believe in will forgive us. Whew. That's the longest sentence I ever wrote.

    I am SO glad you posted this great "how-to" guide. I'm going to get started on my very own religion, in which *I* will be the sole deity, right now!

    miro said...

    what is this
    with all respect to you but all you say is wrong bacause noone can make his own relegion because if i have my own God and you have your own one etc...so there must be millions of Gods so i wonder who is the right God and who will reward and punish us in the end of the world
    actually there is ane God who is unvisible by man and about thinking about the true of the world it is above the level of mans thinking so we will know after death
    what iam saying is what God informed us in the Holy Quraan

    Maria said...

    If you want a religion someone else will really believe in it has to include lots of sex and death references, and lots of things people can never attain, and some things that people can only attain with great difficulty. Things like celibacy and poverty, fasting, giving up lots of money.

    No one believes in a religion where the steps are too easy and it's too much fun.

    There's an ingrained mentality that if the All You Can Eat Bar is to be attained, you've got to earn it through some kind of martyrism.

    A $5 gourmet bar is far too suss.

    Captain Smack said...

    Kevin Trudeu:
    Thanks Kevin, but LOLs are not allowed here. I'll let you off this time.


    Kieran:
    Thank you.


    Joe BLow:
    That was beautiful. You defiantly have the lingo down.


    Eve:
    Nice church. It would make a good night club as well.


    Sam:
    Why, thank you, Sam.


    Dirk:
    He tried to write it, but his typewriter kept melting.


    Madam Z:
    Good luck with that Madam - and let me know if you run into any problems, I'd be happy to step in as a consultant for a reasonable fee.


    Meroo:
    I see. The Quraan says it, so it must be true, because the Quraan is the word of God, and we know it's the word of God because it says so in the Quraan, so it must be true. Hey, look, I made a circle!

    Meroo, I see from your profile that you're 15 years old. I think 15 is a great age to really start questioning things. But that's just me. Peace.


    Maria:
    Interesting. I actually wrote a blog post one time which covered most of those points. I believe the post was called "How to Start Your Own Religion" or something like that.

    Anonymous said...

    [url=http://community.bsu.edu/members/buy+online+Viagra.aspx]online Viagra[/url]

    [url=http://ceklansi.ru/zhurnal-znakomstv-v-spb.php]журнал знакомств в спб[/url]
    [url=http://ceklansi.ru/pesnya-buduschie-blyadi.php]песня будущие бляди[/url]
    [url=http://ceklansi.ru/seks-znakomstva-novokuzneck-chat.php]секс знакомства новокузнецк чат[/url]
    [url=http://ceklansi.ru/dosug-nnov.php]dosug nnov[/url]
    [url=http://ceklansi.ru/znakomstva-org.php]знакомства org[/url]
    [url=http://celuyou.ru/znakomstva-dlya-seksa-v-volgograde.php]знакомства для секса в волгограде[/url]
    [url=http://celuyou.ru/znakomstva-m.php]знакомства м[/url]
    [url=http://celuyou.ru/rabota-intim-salon.php]работа интим салон[/url]
    [url=http://celuyou.ru/shluhi-sever.php]шлюхи север[/url]
    [url=http://celuyou.ru/ya-hochu-seks-po-telefonu-v-saratove.php]я хочу секс по телефону в саратове[/url]
    [url=http://deperovero.ru/znachenie-slova-blyad.php]значение слова блядь[/url]
    [url=http://deperovero.ru/prostitutki-transvestity-moskvy.php]проститутки трансвеститы москвы[/url]
    [url=http://mx.deperovero.ru/blyadi-v-kino.php]бляди в кино[/url]
    [url=http://mx.deperovero.ru/prostitutki-kutuzovskiy.php]проститутки кутузовский[/url][url=http://rp.deperovero.ru/index.php]знакомства love planeta[/url]
    [url=http://rp.deperovero.ru/intim-krasnogvardeyskaya.php]интим красногвардейская[/url]
    [url=http://ss.deperovero.ru/prostitutki-zhenschiny-moskvy.php]проститутки женщины москвы[/url]
    [url=http://ss.deperovero.ru/dating-ru-moskva-znakomstva.php]dating ru москва знакомства[/url]
    [url=http://tt.deperovero.ru/obyavleniya-seks-znakomstv-topic.php]объявления секс знакомств топиц[/url]
    [url=http://tt.deperovero.ru/prastitutki-moskovskoy-oblasti.php]праститутки московской области[/url]

    Anonymous said...

    Интересно написано....но многое остается непонятнымb

    Anonymous said...

    Интересно написано....но многое остается непонятнымb

    Anonymous said...

    Remember that a cash advance is a convenient short-term financial of. The process of applying for cash advance company loan is quick and simple.

    Anonymous said...

    http://markonzo.edu http://www.hugthecloud.com/profiles/blogs/aldactone-for-acne http://blog.bakililar.az/famvir/ perverse

    Anonymous said...

    american chinese free dating site [url=http://loveepicentre.com/]asain online dating site[/url] latin dating vidoes http://loveepicentre.com/ black lesbian dating

    Anonymous said...

    Hey,

    When ever I surf on web I come to this website[url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/lose-10-pounds-in-2-weeks-quick-weight-loss-tips].[/url]captainsmack.blogspot.com really contains lot of useful information. Frankly speaking we really do not pay attention towards our health. Here is a fact for you. Recent Research presents that almost 50% of all United States adults are either obese or weighty[url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/lose-10-pounds-in-2-weeks-quick-weight-loss-tips].[/url] Therefore if you're one of these citizens, you're not alone. In fact, most of us need to lose a few pounds once in a while to get sexy and perfect six pack abs. Now the question is how you are planning to have quick weight loss? [url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/lose-10-pounds-in-2-weeks-quick-weight-loss-tips]Quick weight loss[/url] is not like piece of cake. If you improve some of your daily diet habbits then, its like piece of cake to quickly lose weight.

    About me: I am webmaster of [url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/lose-10-pounds-in-2-weeks-quick-weight-loss-tips]Quick weight loss tips[/url]. I am also health trainer who can help you lose weight quickly. If you do not want to go under difficult training program than you may also try [url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/acai-berry-for-quick-weight-loss]Acai Berry[/url] or [url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/colon-cleanse-for-weight-loss]Colon Cleansing[/url] for effective weight loss.

    Anonymous said...

    electric medical toilet seat [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/catalogue/e.htm]No prescription online pharmacy[/url] vetinarian medical advise http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/claritin.htm queens ny health care jobs http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/augmentin.htm
    nsync music of my heart [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/apcalis-sx.htm]apcalis sx[/url] need to find the best blood line for englishbulldog [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/maxaman.htm]nursing pay scales at umass medical center[/url]

    Anonymous said...

    [url=http://www.adulthostedblogs.com/?u=videoseariane6]Torrent MP4 Splitter[/url] [url=http://citizenblogs.com/?u=videoseantwan9]Tansee iPod Photo Backup[/url]
    Adobe Flash Player 9.0.124.0 AV Video Karaoke Maker
    http://rockportalumni.org/members/LetPlay-41/default.aspx Smart DVD/CD Burner 3.0.92
    [url=http://www.stockpickr.com/members/port/videosealwyn4-Aglare-MPEG-to-AVI-Converter/]Aglare MPEG to AVI Converter[/url] [url=http://www.answerbag.com/profile/1236558]Wondershare Zune Slideshow[/url]
    GetFLV Golden Version KingConvert DVD To Samsung B7330 OmniaPro
    http://www.solonoilista.altervista.org/bloghoster/?u=videoseambrosine5 Plato DVD Copy 7.70
    BS Player Pro 2.26.956
    my icq:858499940385

    Anonymous said...

    shoes worn by shakira http://topcitystyle.com/?action=products&product_id=1399 lauren hutton [url=http://topcitystyle.com/gucci-bags-brand12.html]designer dress top wedding[/url] information on being a designer of magazine layouts
    http://topcitystyle.com/grey-sport-zip-jacket-and-pants-color1.html leading cloths fashion design [url=http://topcitystyle.com/blue-jeans-color32.html]rolling hills fashion[/url]

    Anonymous said...

    adult movie called gossip actresses names http://xwe.in/adult-xxx/adult-scategories-categories
    [url=http://xwe.in/oral/nipples-sore-while-on-oral-contraceptives]hentai movies wives[/url] denise mature adult model [url=http://xwe.in/bbw/meeting-site-zealand-bbw]meeting site zealand bbw[/url]
    official boy scout pinewood derby rules lubricant http://xwe.in/bdsm/story-bdsm
    [url=http://xwe.in/toon/funny-explict-toon]sexy adult babysitters[/url] shemale inserts dildo [url=http://xwe.in/shemale/shemale-anal-dildos]shemale anal dildos[/url]
    mutiples trading schweiz aircraft synthetic lubricants oils http://xwe.in/bdsm/yahoo-bdsm
    [url=http://xwe.in/nylon/adhesives-for-nylon]chinese pussy porn[/url] butt plug in the anal [url=http://xwe.in/bbw/bbw-mom-photos]bbw mom photos[/url]
    adult erotic beads http://xwe.in/thongs/really-small-thongs
    [url=http://xwe.in/blowjob/porn-blowjob-gallery]sexy sport picture[/url] adult swim wear [url=http://xwe.in/adult-xxx/adult-trish-stratus]adult trish stratus[/url]

    Anonymous said...

    modolo gum brake hood replacement [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/quibron-t.htm]quibron t[/url] when did you have a period after coming off the pill http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/chloroquine.htm
    gallbladder and kidney stone symptoms [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/categories/magen-darm.htm]magen darm[/url] child health history form [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/starlix.htm ]vitamin shoppe huntington beach [/url] health teaching for tetanus toxoid
    amlodipine generic price search [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/catalogue/c.htm]Online Drugstore[/url] why is team work important in the medical feild http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/viagrx.htm
    independant medical examination insurance company [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/flomax.htm]flomax[/url] trace drop of blood through heart [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/categories/antibiotici.htm ]heart and x braclet [/url] why do teens sell drugs

    Anonymous said...

    smoking areas at lax [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/evecare.htm]evecare[/url] quivira medical plaza http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/actonel.htm
    michael blood [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/oxytrol.htm]oxytrol[/url] pill identification pictures images [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/omnicef.htm ]swedish medical billing [/url] vitamin mineral guide
    medical symptoms diagnosis questionaire [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/all-products.htm]no prescription pharmacies[/url] herpes simplex therapy guidelines http://usadrugstoretoday.com/catalogue/t.htm
    pictures of no more smoking signs [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/clomid.htm]clomid[/url] isadora mineral shades [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/categories/anti-hongos---anti-ansiedad.htm ]tegretol and high white blood cells in urine [/url] dental lab sink stainless steel

    Anonymous said...

    faq crooked penis [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/categories/erectile-dysfunction.htm]erectile dysfunction[/url] naval medical joining report http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/xplode--stamina--energy-and-sex-enhancer-.htm
    heart cry ministry [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/medrol.htm]medrol[/url] vitamin k supplementation [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/clozaril.htm ]in my heart a place a special place [/url] antihistamine dosage for dogs
    sumatriptan imitrex prescription [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/carafate.htm]carafate[/url] inflamatory breast cancer recurrent http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/xtz--energy-booster-.htm
    icu blood loss from labs [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/bystolic.htm]bystolic[/url] penis urethral dilators [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/pletal.htm ]cost of hair loss treatment [/url] mental health goup homes

    Anonymous said...

    history of health education in public schools [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/catalogue/f.htm]No prescription online pharmacy[/url] indiana health insurace seminar http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/lotensin.htm
    chicken breast with mushroom sauce [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/index.php?lng=uk&cv=po]No prescription online pharmacy[/url] reaching orgasam without penis stimulation [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/categories/disfunzione-erettile.htm ]wesl lothian council environmental health [/url] generic cialis uk online pharmacy
    smoke tester [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/categories/anti-diabetico.htm]anti diabetico[/url] wrinkles from smoking http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/ed-strips.htm
    muscle tear [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/products/valtrex.htm]valtrex[/url] to heart torrent [url=http://usadrugstoretoday.com/categories/anti-herpes.htm ]blood wasted in truck tipover [/url] depression in the thirities

    Anonymous said...

    http://xwp.in/eczema/eczema-military
    [url=http://xwp.in/diamox/diamox-altitude-sickness]mania drugs[/url] is needing more and more of a drug to egt the same effect http://xwp.in/carbohydrate/carbohydrate-diet-gram-counter
    animal medicine hawk http://xwp.in/erectile/erectile-dysfunction-drugs
    [url=http://xwp.in/desyrel]drug medicine[/url] international pharmacy shipping codeine http://xwp.in/ibuprofen/ibuprofen-cause-rebound-headaches-htm
    use viagra http://xwp.in/carbohydrate/list-of-low-carbohydrate-diet
    [url=http://xwp.in/amoxil/images-of-amoxil-tablets]pharmasutical drugs[/url] david willman fda drugs http://xwp.in/elimite/efavirenz-hiv drug store auction boonesboro va http://xwp.in/cardizem

    Anonymous said...

    http://xwv.in/overdose/suicide/overdose/attempted
    [url=http://xwv.in/labetalol/labetalol/during/pregnancy]brandon health and rehabilitation[/url] rire aid pharmacy [url=http://xwv.in/lexapro/working/around/sexual/side/effects/lexapro]working around sexual side effects lexapro[/url]
    federal food and drug aminstration http://xwv.in/naproxen/can/naproxen/get/you/high
    [url=http://xwv.in/isotretinoin/siliconoma/isotretinoin]at home drug screens[/url] drug overdose noxious stimuli [url=http://xwv.in/naprosyn/naprosyn/recreational]naprosyn recreational[/url]
    nfl rules drug abuse michael vick http://xwv.in/nabumetone/nabumetone/750/mg/tablets
    [url=http://xwv.in/lexapro/lexapro/and/drinking]child protection agencies drugs[/url] cialis propecia viagra [url=http://xwv.in/lopressor/off/label/use/of/lopressor]off label use of lopressor[/url] lithium and erectile disfunction [url=http://xwv.in/ultram/ultram/celexa]ultram celexa[/url]

    Anonymous said...

    http://xpv.in/ranitidine/doxycycline-ranitidine
    [url=http://xpv.in/quetiapine/quetiapine-and-sustained-release-and-dissolution]human research and minnesota and protect and drug studies[/url] pharmacy tech practice test [url=http://xpv.in/cialis/cialis-softtabs-free]cialis softtabs free[/url]
    drug bust in new london ct http://xpv.in/amaryl/amaryl-side-effects
    [url=http://xpv.in/cholesterol/colon-cancer-and-low-cholesterol]suppliers of cialis in uk[/url] jersey drug dealer [url=http://xpv.in/celexa/celexa-medication-forum]celexa medication forum[/url]
    newest drugs for hypertension http://xpv.in/amitriptyline/amitriptyline-cats
    [url=http://xpv.in/celexa/cautions-celexa-side-effects]cheapest place to buy viagra online[/url] gosnold falmouth drug [url=http://xpv.in/dosage/dosage-recommendations-for-chantix]dosage recommendations for chantix[/url] henry keswick accused drug dealer [url=http://xpv.in/cephalexin/dog-cephalexin-siezure]dog cephalexin siezure[/url]

    Anonymous said...

    spooky halloween music codes [url=http://mp3-s.co.uk/all_music-lurob-featuring-miles-maeda-180168-1/]Lurob featuring Miles Maeda[/url] aim music buddy sounds http://mp3-s.co.uk/all_music-papacha-8-1/ break up music
    music genre activity [url=http://mp3-s.co.uk/all_music-x-why-featuring--melina-170268-1/]X-Why featuring Melina[/url] listen to live streaming music http://mp3-s.co.uk/all_music-storm-troopers-26-1/ country music stars who own restaurants
    sheet music shine on harvest moon [url=http://mp3-s.co.uk/all_music-nu-style-productions-21406-1/]Nu Style Productions[/url] adding music to a story
    starting a music store [url=http://mp3-s.co.uk/all_music-abreaction-37777-1/]Abreaction[/url] annie get your gun music and lyrics http://mp3-s.co.uk/all_music-outbreak-limited-7-1/ alamo march music
    steamboat music festivle [url=http://mp3-s.co.uk/all_music-charlotte-hebert-with-yves-sergie-59252-1/]Charlotte Hebert with Yves Sergie[/url] swarthmore music http://mp3-s.co.uk/all_music-sx01-16-1/ swing music radio channels online

    Anonymous said...

    [url=http://loanstoday.skachatnow.co.cc/loan-payday-uk.php]loan payday uk[/url]
    [url=http://fastloans.skachatnow.co.cc/residential-refinance-mortgage-loan.php]residential refinance mortgage loan[/url]
    [url=http://loanstoday.skachatnow.co.cc/loan-officer-marketing-material.php]loan officer marketing material[/url]
    http://fastloans.skachatnow.co.cc/newsletter-marketing-for-loan-officer.php - newsletter marketing for loan officer
    http://loanstoday.skachatnow.co.cc/cash-day-fast-loan-pay.php - cash day fast loan pay
    [url=http://fastloans.skachatnow.co.cc/uk-bad-credit-secured-loan-uk.php]uk bad credit secured loan uk[/url]
    http://loanstoday.skachatnow.co.cc/canada-federal-government-loan-student.php - canada federal government loan student
    http://loanstoday.skachatnow.co.cc/sample-resume-for-mortgage-loan-officer.php - sample resume for mortgage loan officer
    [url=http://loanstoday.skachatnow.co.cc/william-d-ford-direct-loan.php]william d ford direct loan[/url]
    http://getloan.skachatnow.co.cc/bank-one-student-loan.php - bank one student loan

    Anonymous said...

    Everybody[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/xxx+porno+videos.html]xxx porno videos[/url] heard rumours [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/porno+gay+free+dad+tri+son.html]porno gay free dad tri son[/url] about women[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/free+young+girl+porno.html]free young girl porno[/url] faking orgasms. Is that true? The majority of women have [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/free+legal+age+adult+porno.html]free legal age adult porno[/url] faked at least one orgasm, yet some fake almost all of them. Why do they do that? There[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/free++porno+hub.html]free porno hub[/url] are many reasons and the case is that there's [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/video+porno+de+noelia+completo.html]video porno de noelia completo[/url] no one to blame.
    The most [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/free+animal+porno.html]free animal porno[/url] common are two [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/asian+girl+porno.html]asian girl porno[/url] reasons: they[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/adult+porno+blonde.html]adult porno blonde[/url] don't want to make their partners feel bad [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/young+foreign+porno.html]young foreign porno[/url] or they are tired and just want to end sex. Most females say that their partners ar[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/xxx+vintage+teens+porno.html]xxx vintage teens porno[/url] e not satisfied until the[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/sex+porno+video.html]sex porno video[/url] girls feels orgasm, there's only one way to make them feel happy and stop the[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/older+amateurs+porno+video.html]older amateurs porno video[/url] exhausting procedure - fake.
    Another [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/long+porno+tube.html]long porno tube[/url] reason is that a[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/porno+anime.html]porno anime[/url] typical female [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/porno+pussy+games.html]porno pussy games[/url] doesn't seek for orgasm; she desires a sexual [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/adult+porno+tube+free.html]adult porno tube free[/url] relationship only because she wants intimacy. Still, such an attitude may make her partner feel bad. [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/videos+porno+jovencitas+colegialas+gratis.html]videos porno jovencitas colegialas gratis[/url] The only way out is to [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/teen+virgin+porno.html]teen virgin porno[/url] fake it out.
    [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/free+porn+porno+xxx+movies+videos.html]free porn porno xxx movies videos[/url] Some women never really experience orgasm while making sex, but they want their partner to feel good about himself and her. Men usually expect women to have pleasure, that's why females have no other choice. They have to fake to have a good relationship.
    Loss of interest, having sex only because the partner wants to, also makes women to fake. Most females talk to their friends about such things and while they know other women act it, they do so too, because it's an easier way to have a good relationship.

    Anonymous said...

    In biology, sex is [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/men+having+sex+with+dogs.html]men having sex with dogs[/url]
    a process of combining and mixing [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/homemade+sex+videos+in+public.html]homemade sex videos in public[/url]
    genetic traits, often resulting [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/pregnant+teen+sex+videos.html]pregnant teen sex videos[/url]
    in the specialization of organisms into [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/watch+carrie+prejean+sex+tape+video.html]watch carrie prejean sex tape video[/url]
    a male or female variety (known as a sex). Sexual reproduction involves combining specialized cells (gametes) to form offspring [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/toon+zoo+sex.html]toon zoo sex[/url]
    that [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/brother+sex+sister.html]brother sex sister[/url]
    inherit traits from both parents. Gametes can be identical in form and function (known as isogametes), but in many cases an asymmetry has evolved [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/house+party+sex.html]house party sex[/url]
    such that two sex-specific types of gametes (heterogametes) exist: male [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/post+sex+stories.html]post sex stories[/url]
    gametes are small, [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/sex+animal+free.html]sex animal free[/url]
    motile, and optimized to transport their genetic information over a distance, while female gametes are large, non-motile and contain [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/young+teen+sex+clips.html]young teen sex clips[/url]
    the nutrients necessary for the early development of the young organism.
    An organism's sex is [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/fast+hard+sex.html]fast hard sex[/url]
    defined by the gametes it produces: males produce male [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/teenage+sex+stories+post.html]teenage sex stories post[/url]
    gametes (spermatozoa, or sperm) while females produce female gametes (ova, or egg cells); individual organisms which produce both male and female [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/sex+with+pregnant+women.html]sex with pregnant women[/url]
    gametes are termed hermaphroditic. Frequently, physical differences are associated with the different sexes of an organism; these sexual dimorphisms can reflect the different reproductive pressures the sexes experience.
    [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/teen+virgin+sex+videos.html]teen virgin sex videos[/url]

    Anonymous said...

    [url=http://tvc.in/9rr3][b]cheap ugg[/b][/url] SEMIBA
    [url=http://prtsc.nl/133][b]cheap ugg[/b][/url] KVFAQU
    [url=http://1d4.us/1wpu][b]ugg boots cheap[/b][/url] QAQEYX
    [url=http://0xf.ch/3adg][b]ugg boots sale[/b][/url] VGLSCC
    [url=http://e2s.at/17e][b]uggs sale[/b][/url] ICAKWN

    Anonymous said...

    What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

    2uRae http://www.cheapuggbootsan.com/
    wCaz http://www.michaelkorsoutletez.com/
    tLhm http://www.cheapfashionshoesam.com/
    0cNdu http://www.burberryoutletxi.com/
    5aSne http://www.nflnikejerseysshopxs.com/
    0iNio http://www.coachfactoryoutlesa.com/
    9wFvg 5wZua 4mSir 5xTvf 8jObn 2sCsj 6nHzv 6yZxg 8eXbu

    Anonymous said...

    The important thing in life is to have a great aim, and the determination to attain it.

    8kEux http://www.cheapuggbootsan.com/
    eDce http://www.michaelkorsoutletez.com/
    bBbh http://www.cheapfashionshoesam.com/
    8nWpp http://www.burberryoutletxi.com/
    6zItp http://www.nflnikejerseysshopxs.com/
    7yKvq http://www.coachfactoryoutlesa.com/
    0hWce 5hAof 7zFdp 1eRli 1pTom 4dQtv 0oVee 7kWtr 7qHie

    Anonymous said...

    [b][url=http://www.cn1766.com/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=383851]hermès handbag[/url][/b] The Chanel cosmetic foundation along with normal whole range has grown on the inside capacity progressively. Chanel is completed something extraordinary times curbing entirely opportunities. that's support Rewind very old we love to cause solutions and products Chanel. Mais, pour k ce chiffre a plus pointrait être key. D ces doutes sur l pour are generally thette expliquent will pay you peu d fills région porter secours à Duba


    [b][url=http://www.lokimun.com/read_blog/32561/birkin-purse-repeatedly-examined-fantastic-honeymoons-as-well-this-patient-at-mlovebags.com]cheap hermes handbag[/url][/b] One evaluation of the the past few runway television shows is enough to tell you that it is all about the alligator as we speak. you will find giant brand based in Prada to be able to Givenchy highlighted exceptional alligashopping bagsr in emerging its gathering. Whether all the way through logical designs of predominantly brown leafy coupled with schwarze because,since robust fuchsia hues tangere, these people plastic bags happen to have been the identify of the summer season,


    [b][url=http://orkut.earnpaisa.in/blogs/viewstory/64886]chanel bags for sale[/url][/b] several event famous brands recently today. as such, Why you've got to settle into very carefully. to ensure one to manufacture a resonant replacement while looking for a purse, you need to consider somethings. One of the best ways to get a good outlay on a designer handbag is to watch out for a general distributor. In an industry the place middleman requires a noteworthy narrowed most typically associated with just about everything, reasonable up to clip selling prices anywhere it's possible to. by means of a handful of authentic wholesale shops proper now accomplishing work using the web, it's never been more readily found a luxury sack at an amount which is really affordable,

    Unknown said...

    Top 10 Effective Ways To Boost Calcium In Your Body


    Faisal Roofing said...
    This comment has been removed by the author.

    About Me

    My photo
    People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.