That's right. I photoshopped some tits onto a coffee cup. I'm a fucking genius.
So, now that I've won you over with my intellectually sophisticated brand of wit, I'd like to take this opportunity to share something that is very near and dear to my heart...
Friends, we live in a world that is jam packed with problems, yet lacking in solutions. And while some of these problems involve disease, natural resources, the weather, and anal-probing extraterrestrials, the vast majority of our problems are caused by other humans. When something goes wrong, it's usually an inside job.
Many great thinkers have noticed this, and tried to do something about it. Plato attempted to solve the bulk of our problems in his book “The Republic”. It was a good start, but the book contained no pictures of boobies, and therefore did not really take off. The political philosopher/slapstick comedian Marx came up with many interesting solutions during the course of his career, but after he and his brothers attained success as a comedy troupe, the name “Marx” became associated with silliness and eye poking, causing many scholars to no longer take him seriously. Even the brilliant thinker Nietzsche took a swipe at it, but was, unfortunately, completely batshit.
I, on the other hand, display no signs of mental illness (see previous post), have a very serious and authoritative sounding name (see profile), and am not afraid to roll out the boobies if the need arises (see above). So with that in mind, I now present to you my very own one-size-fits-all solution to (almost) all of society's woes:
Once popular as an artillery weapon in Medieval times, these contraptions have a lot of great features. They are easy to construct. They do not require gasoline or electricity, and are therefore environmentally friendly. They project a certain “Olde World” charm. They also project unwanted things far, far away.
This last feature is the one on which I would like to expand. Let's take a look at just a few of the ways this marvelous device can be utilized:
How many times has your party, bat mitzvah, wedding reception, funeral, etc., been ruined by unwanted guests, family, friends, or other types of jackasses? With the catapult, these undesirables can easily be projected to a more acceptable distance from your celebration. Plus, they are so simple to operate, you can do it while completely shitfaced.
I don't know about you, but when I pay $9 for the privilege of allowing Hollywood to lobotomize me with their unimaginative, brain dead drivel, the last thing I want to hear is some chick in the next row talk on her cellphone or pop her chewing gum. Every seat in a movie theater should have a built-in catapult, so that offenders can be quickly and quietly projected out of the theater and into the parking lot.
Now, I know some of you are probably wondering “but what about crying babies? What do we do about those irritating little cocksuckers?”. I can forgive babies, for it is not their fault that they're stupid. Which is why anyone under the age of three will be projected onto a specially cushioned pad in the parking lot, where their mothers can retrieve them once the movie is over.
Drugs and paraphernalia
No one wants to be left holding the bag, so to speak, when Johnny Law kicks the door in. Toilets are very ineffective in these situations. Marijuana floats, cocaine is not water-soluble, and pills are often too heavy to flush properly. Not to mention bongs, pipes, glowsticks and other bulky paraphernalia, which must also be removed from the premises. A small catapult near a window is the answer to your problems. Not only will it quickly and safely get the incriminating evidence off of your property, but will deposit it onto the property of the asshole neighbor who called the cops in the first place. Or the asshole neighbor with the dog that never stops barking, it's your choice.
On the Job
The workforce is overflowing with lazy and incompetent employees. You know the type: Instead of working, they sit around all day, wasting valuable company time while surfing the internet, reading blogs, and...
Well, let's just skip this one for now.
Our schools are overly crowded as it is, and it's time to get rid of some of the dead wood. Instead of “No child left behind”, I say we adopt a policy of “Some children projected far away”. Any time a test is given, each child will sit in their special government-issued catapult seat. The moment they get an answer wrong, they are instantly relocated away from the school and onto the street, where their education will continue as they learn to be drug dealers and prostitutes. I call it “higher” learning.
So, as you can see, this catapult solution is a subject which I've thought through very carefully, and not just something I pulled out of my ass at the last minute because it's Wednesday and I needed to put up a blog post.
And while the coffee-cup-with-boobies picture alone would probably have been enough to sufficiently distract most of you from your horrid, mind-numbing office jobs, The Captain likes to go that extra mile, and give you something to really think about.
So leave a comment and get right back to work. And pray that your boss doesn't read this post, or you may find a large, wooden mechanism next to the copy machine when you come in to work tomorrow.