Monday, April 23, 2007

Jesus and Elvis: Here Comes Freakazoid

Jesus: ...and that's what people never really get about the New Testament, is that half the time I was just being sarcastic, and the other half I was --

Elvis: Ah, shit. Here comes freakazoid. Don't look now, man... Don't look...

Jesus: Which freakazoid?

Elvis: Manson.

Jesus: Marilyn?

Elvis: Nah, Charlie. Ah, shit, he sees us. Great, he's walking over... Oh, hey, Charlie. What's happening man?

Jesus: What's up, Chuck?

Manson: Hi Jesus. Hey Elvis. Nothing much. I recorded a new CD. You guys wanna come over tonight and listen to it? Maybe we could get some wine or something. Hang out.

Elvis: Um, well... I don't know if I wanna drink tonight...

Jesus: Yeah, I've got kind of a big day tomorrow, bunch of... stuff to do. Sorry, Charlie.

Elvis: (snickering)

Manson: What's funny, Elvis?

Elvis: Huh? Oh, nothing, man. I was just... I was just thinking about something else.

Manson: Oh. Well ok, maybe some other time then... (mumbles something under his breath).

(long, awkward silence)

Jesus: So, Charles. Your new CD. Is it just, like, you on acoustic guitar?

Manson: Oh, no, no, not at all. I'm not doing that folk stuff anymore. No, It's total synth-pop this time. I've got this one song “My Brain is the Dragonfly That Flies Through the Fire of My Brain”, and it's...

Elvis: That's a really long title, man.

Manson: That's not the title, Elvis. That's the whole song. It's got a real heavy bass beat.

Jesus: Oh, so it's more modern sounding then?

Manson: I guess you could say that. It's kind of timeless sounding, I think.

Elvis: Hm. So you got a drummer?

Manson: No, I use a drum machine. It's a really nice one, though.

Elvis: A drum machine? Oh. So it's all just you then? You just dubbin' tracks?

Manson: Yeah, mostly. I got Michael doing some back-up vocals on one of the --

Elvis: Michael who?

Manson: Jackson.

Elvis: That guy? Oh, well I definitely don't wanna hear that!

Manson: Why? What's wrong with Michael Ja... Ohhh. Yeah. Right. Forgot about that. Sorry.

(another awkward silence)

Jesus: Well, it's getting a little late...

Elvis: Yeah, we ought to head out, I guess.

Manson: Oh, ok. Well, hey Jesus, maybe I'll drop by some time. I had this vision the other day, and you were in it. It was pretty heavy. I thought maybe we could talk about it, or meditate on it or something.

Jesus: Um, sure Charles. Why don't you call first, though, ok? Been really busy lately. Lot of stuff going on.

Manson: Oh, yeah, sure, no problem, man. I know how it is. Hey Elvis, y'know, if you ever wanna jam sometime, or just hang out and shoot the shit...

Elvis: Yeah, sure man, we'll see. Catch ya later, Charlie.

(they walk away)

Elvis: Man, that cat's a fucking freak. And a half.

Jesus: No kidding. He marches to the beat of a different kettle of fish. Did you see the way his face kept twitching? He's not as bad as he used to be though.

Elvis: Yeah, he's really mellowed out a lot. I guess we all have. Hey, man, that was funny when you said “sorry Charlie” - like that tuna fish commercial.

Jesus: I know, that was funny, wasn't it? I almost cracked up myself.

Elvis: Were you trying to be funny? Or was it just --

Jesus: No, it just popped out that way. I'd never thought of it before. “Sorry, Charlie”...

Elvis: What was that other thing you said... You said something else that was funny...

Jesus: Did I? I don't know...

Elvis: Oh yeah – You said “What's up, chuck”.

Jesus: Why's that funny?

Elvis: You know, like “up-chuck”. (makes a barfing noise)

Jesus: Oh yeah... up-chuck. That is funny.

Elvis: Man, you're like an accidental comedian or something.

Jesus: So, I guess he's hanging out with Michael Jackson these days...

Elvis: Yeah. That's gotta be a weird scene. Jesus.

Jesus: What.

Elvis: No, I'm just saying... Jesus.

Jesus: Oh, like “Jesus”, the expression. Right.

(They stop. Elvis lights a cigarette.)

Jesus: So what do you want to do tonight?

Elvis: Well, he was talking about wine, and that kinda' got me thinking...

Jesus: I'm way ahead of you, Elvis.


ploop said...

great post Captain. Nothing to add - simply a fine post!

Erica AP said...

I don't know - they sound kinds snobby to me. They would totally go behind my back and talk shit about me... I know it.

Captain Smack said...

Thanks, ploop, I appreciate that.

erica, I wasn't going to say anything, but... they do sometimes talk about you behind your back. Sorry.

Erica AP said...

I knew it... Damn. But thanks for being so honest. I really appreciate it.

Queen Zelda said...

how is charles manson co-labbing with michael jackson? does he go back to earth the walk the streets at night.. and if so is it safe out still?

Captain Smack said...


It's never safe out, dear. They are out to get you.

As for Charles, he is currently alive, right here on planet Earth. He's not walking the streets, however, because he's still in prison.

I wish I could explain how he is able to interact freely with M.J., but that information is private. I've already said too much.

UBER MOUTH said...

Charles has a fear of being killed or beaten up or set on fire as they have all tried to do that to him in prison. Cheek eh?( that he shuld be afaraid fo such behaviour)
Love your Elvis - jesus talks- just try to work me in the coversation next time will ya?

Captain Smack said...

He's afraid of being killed, beaten up or set on fire? What a weirdo.

As for you coming up in the conversation - I'll run it past them.

UBER MOUTH said...

hahaha- ands ask God to please smite some of my thighage

Travis said...

I love you

in the non-gayest way one man can say that to another.

54613458656 said...


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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.