In an effort to make up for that last post, and to show everyone that my blogger balls are indeed still large and magnificent, I've decided to take the Knudsen Challenge, and post 101 true facts about Yours Truly. I'm even going to kick things up a notch (or down a notch, depending on how you look at it) and make a little game out of it:
THREE of the following 101 facts will be untrue. Complete fabrications. Dirty, filthy lies. Can you guess which ones they are?
At the bottom of the post is a poll. Vote on the fact you think most sounds like a load of crap. If you can sniff out ANY of the three non-facts, then I shall reveal all three. If not, then you shall forever wander in the dark, sexy shadow of my mysteriousness (god I'm so full of myself).
In order to fulfill the rules of the Knudsen Challenge, I will now state three extra facts that definitely are true:
A. I drink lots of coffee. I'm drinking it now, in fact. (Don't worry, they get better.)
B. I went to massage school, graduated and everything. I basically learned two very important things in massage school: 1. How to give massages, and 2. I do not like massaging random people, as many of them are rather unpleasant to touch.
C. (see title of post)
Also, my team of lawyers have asked me to include this:
Here we go:
1. I'm a cat person.
2. I'm a night owl.
3. I'm an animal.
4. I never get bored.
5. I never go to church.
6. I never get headaches, except when I'm hungover, which doesn't count.
7. I never kill bugs unless I have to, especially spiders.
8. Sometimes, when a bug suddenly flies in my face, I overreact, flailing my arms about in the air like a little girl.
9. I like the hippies, I don't care what anyone says.
10. I was once in a high-speed car chase with two crazy rednecks in a truck, one of which was leaning out the window, trying to beat my car with a baseball bat. I totally did that action movie thing, where you take a corner while sliding sideways. One of my proudest moments.
11. I was once in a lesbian rock band. Since I have a penis, they had to make me an honorary lesbian. So whenever I tell people that I'm part lesbian, that's what I'm referring to.
12. I've never had cyber sex, nor do I plan to. Do people really do that? It seems weird to me, but whatever.
13. I used to have a pet rooster named Billy Markham. Billy just disappeared one day, and I never saw him again. We were not all that close (as far as pets go), but, for some reason, after Billy was gone, he appeared in many of my dreams.
14. As for comedians, George Carlin is my favorite. Chris Rock is a close second.
15. I never understood why people went on and on about how fat Monica Lewinsky was. She wasn't that fat. Maybe a little plump, but I would not describe her as fat. What's wrong with you people?
16. I invented an octophonic sound system. Oh yes I did. It has 8 speakers; four that go in each corner of the floor, and four in each corner of the ceiling. That way, you can have sounds that pan back and forth, side to side, and up and down. It sounds amazing, almost scary. Blows 5.1 away. Too bad you can't hear it.
17. When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with Scoliosis (sideways curvature of the spine). The doctor gave me all these exercises to do, and I never did any of them. It went away anyway.
18. I once climbed up an ancient pyramid.
19. I once climbed down an ancient pyramid.
20. I once grew a beard that won a prize.
21. I was going down on a girl in my car when a cop pulled up behind us. He ended up arresting me because I had a warrant out. The girl was very impressed, and promptly fucked my brains out as soon as I got out of jail.
22. I once ate a lion. Well, part of a lion, anyway.
23. When I was about 9 years old I was attacked by an owl. I never even saw the thing, it happened so fast, but my parents were there when it happened, and they said it was huge, the biggest owl they had ever seen. I had to get stitches on my shoulder, and it also punctured the skin on my back in two places.
24. Sometimes, when I'm out in society, walking among other humans, I'll see a person - just some random stranger - and am suddenly filled with intense sadness for them. I don't know why.
25. I had horrible acne in middle school (ages 12 and 13). I had the second-worst acne in school. The worst acne was on the face of a guy named Leo. Some people called me “zit”. That was a lot of fun, having the nickname “zit”.
26. The longest relationship I was ever in was 3 years, and I'm still very close to her, though we are not lovers anymore.
27. I was once at a party, and two different people - who were not friends with each other - told me I looked like Clint Eastwood. Since then, I've asked many people if they thought I looked like Clint Eastwood, and they all tell me that I don't look anything like him (which I don't), so I don't know what that was all about.
28. The first book that really grabbed me was “Of Mice and Men”, by Steinbeck. The next was “1984”, which everyone should read. Look: if you haven't read it yet, do yourself a solid and get in on the fun. Consider it a basic part of your human education. If I was Big Brother, I would make everyone read it.
29. Dark Confession: I was going to admit to something here, but then I looked up the statute of limitations on that particular crime, and found out that it was 10 years, and not 7 like I thought, so I guess I'll have to get back to you in 3 years.
30. I try to do things in groups of three.
31. I have a terrible sense of direction. I can get lost while going for a walk in my own neighborhood.
32. The number “32” is my number. I don't know why, or what it means, but it has just always been my number. It's not my “favorite” number, it's just my number. Does everyone have a number?
33. When I was 19, my girlfriend went to Europe for a month with her parents, and her parents had me house-sit for them. They had a dog and a very expensive parrot which I was to care for. They said the bird would go crazy if it didn't have company. While they were away I discovered that my girlfriend had been cheating on me with her ex-boyfriend. As revenge, I invited Michelle, who I knew had a big crush on me, to come over, and had sex with her on my girlfriend's bed. Then – and this was actually Michelle's idea, bless her heart - I taught the parrot to say “Your daughter's a whore, your daughter's a whore”.
34. Dark Confession: A friend and I once tried to get revenge on someone by taking them out to an old 18th century graveyard, way out in the middle of the woods, late at night, and then leaving them there. That was the same night as the high-speed car chase, now that I think about it, although the two things are unrelated. That was a crazy night.
35. I can be a real asshole sometimes, as seen in fact #34.
36. An Official Captain Smack Opinion: I'm not a big fan of underwear.
37. Karmicly speaking, the world owes me at least 50 backrubs. And I don't even know how much oral sex, but plenty. If I go to heaven when I die, there better be plenty of backrubs and blowjobs waiting for me, that's all I have to say.
38. Some people don't like me. You know who you are.
39. I don't like cops. I'm sure that comes as a shock to you. Here's the thing: they're always sticking their noses in other people's business. I don't like that.
40. I do an amazing Willie Nelson impression, though normally I do not sing like him at all. You should see me do “The Ballad of Poncho and Lefty” on Karaoke night. (I hate doing Karaoke, by the way, but sometimes I have to.)
41. I've never had sex with a prostitute. So far they've all been amateurs.
42. One day I plan to go to Amsterdam, eat a bunch of ecstasy, and get three hookers to do me at once. It's sort of a crazy dream of mine.
43. I don't usually get celebrity crushes, but there was a brief period when I just thought Drew Barrymore was mind-blowingly hot. It was during a low point in her career, when she did the made-for-TV movie “Long Island Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story”. Man, you couldn't touch her back then.
44. Speaking of celebrity crushes, here's one I actually do have: Allison Krause.
It's not a sexual thing, like with Barrymore. No, with Allison, it's special. I just fall in love with her every time I see her. How could you not? Just look at her:
Here she is doing her thing:
Man, should could play my fiddle any time.
Here she is just being beautiful, like a soft, moist angel from heaven:
Man, she could, um, walk on my beach any time.
Here she is again. This time she's with some old fart (I think he used to be in a rock band or something):
My guitar is WAY bigger than this dude's.
Oh, and here she is before she puts her makeup on:
Hey, I told you I didn't love her for her looks.
But if you really want to know why I'm in love with Allison Krause, just listen to this (I just know she wrote this song about me, even though we've never actually met. It's a cosmic thing, I can't explain it.)
45. I've often said that I wouldn't mind being famous, as long as nobody knew who I was.
46. I have to pee.
47. I don't have to pee any more.
48. I get some of my best ideas while taking a crap. I don't know why, but I think it might be that when I expel waste, it creates a vacuum which sucks great ideas out of thin air. Or something like that.
49. When I was 12, I named my penis “Dexter”. After a couple of years the name started to bug me, so I un-named it. It doesn't have a name now, it's just my penis.
50. Dark Confession: I used to make “self-improvement” lists. I would list everything I could think of that I thought would improve my life. The list would usually include meditation, exercise, vitamins, being more productive, doing my kegels, getting an octopus tattoo on my back, etc. I would make a pact with myself to do everything on the list... not one at a time, but just take on the whole list at once. I usually never made it more than 2 or 3 days. I have, however, done everything from those lists at one point or another, except getting an octopus tattoo on my back (which I would've done and will still do if I can just find the right picture of an octopus. Does anyone out there have a killer octopus picture?)
51. I once beat the crap out of a guy who was much bigger than me.
52. I once got the crap beaten out of me by a guy who was much smaller than me.
53. I'm not a breaker-upper, I'm a worker-outer. Know what I mean? When a relationship runs its course and the end is near, I'm usually the one to try and salvage it, and she's usually the one to finally roll out the guillotine. Thank god, too. If I ever hooked up with another worker-outer, we'd probably stay together forever, so I avoid those types.
54. I once came on the ceiling. I was laying in bed, jerking off, and I literally squirted all the way up to the ceiling. And it wasn't a loft, or a room with an unusually low ceiling or anything like that. I didn't feel proud. I wasn't sure how to feel about it, actually. It seemed kind of weird.
55. Me and my best friend repeatedly punched each other in the faces one night, just to see what it was like. This was before the movie Fight Club came out, by the way. I swear to god, as soon as I come up with something, there's Hollywood, stealing my thunder.
56. I am not a slave to my cell phone. I don't worry about missing calls, fuck that. I leave the thing on silent half the time. The cell phone is an invention for my convenience, not yours.
57. An Official Captain Smack Opinion: I think that conspiracies happen all the time, every day. But they're not usually very glamorous. They are often dull and complicated, and generally have to do with large corporations and large sums of money, and there's usually a lot of strange math involved... the kind of mess that would take a team of forensic accountants and legal scholars to unravel. Occasionally that happens, and we hear about it on the news. The other 99.9% of the time we get screwed, while some fat, white, cigar-smoking pig eyed sack of shit laughs his giant, hemorrhoidal ass off.
58. Speaking of conspiracies, listen up, fruitcakes: I watched that “Loose Change” thing, but I don't think that 9/11 was a conspiracy perpetrated by the Bush administration. I know many people do, but Captain Smack just doesn't buy it. C'mon people. Get real. That shit was just bound to happen eventually. I'm just surprised it took as long as it did.
59. I don't believe the New Orleans flood was a conspiracy either.
60. I do think the JFK assassination was a conspiracy. You'd have to be crazy not to see that.
61. I used to live in New Orleans. I haven't yet decided if I'm going back. At this point, it's a toss-up between New Orleans and Puerto Rico.
62. I just now injured myself. Oh, great, I'm bleeding. That sucks.
63. I lost my virginity at 17. It was in a trailer, and there were a bunch of crazy rednecks outside, banging on the walls, hootin' and hollerin' when it happened. Not the best way to lose your virginity, but probably not the worst, either.
64. Dark Confession: This Knudsen Challenge is starting to kick my ass. I have to admit, it's not as easy as I thought. But I'm not giving up! Fuck that. I will drag my large,
65. I once had what seemed to be an out-of-body experience, but it's hard to talk about that sort of thing without sounding like some flaky new age jerkoff, so I almost never bring it up. I'm only bringing it up now because I'm pressed for interesting facts.
66. When faced with weird, paranormal phenomena, like UFOs, out-of-body experiences, or having exactly the right amount of change at an unexpected toll booth, I try to not jump to conclusions either way. I believe in taking things at face value. I sometimes can't help myself, though, and find myself latching onto my more bizarre experiences in an attempt to define my existence, and uncover my own true nature. But here's the real truth: I don't know what the fuck's going on. Do you?
67. An Official Captain Smack Opinion: I consider imitation to be the highest form of flattery, except in the case of identity theft, in which case it's just rude.
68. I do not negotiate with terrorists. (It's not an official position or anything, it's just never come up before.)
69. I am easily and strongly repulsed by things that strike me as pretentious or flaky. I get very turned off when people sit there and blab a bunch of intellectual sounding crap just for the purpose of sounding like an intellectual. Or when people use gratuitously fancy language or make obscure references just so everyone will see how smart they are. Oh, please, fuck off. I'd rather some people think I'm a dumbass than to come off as some phony douchebag. If you're smart, then people will know it, and if not, then they'll probably figure that out, too. There's nothing wrong with being unintelligent. Some of the greatest people who ever lived were complete idiots.
70. A rockstar tried to steal my girlfriend one time. And I'm not talking about some hey-look-at-me-I-was-once-featured-on-Mtv's-Headbanger's-Ball-at-five-in-the-morning type of rockstar. I'm talking about a real, live I've-got-millions-of-dollars-and-have-had-several-number-one-songs-and-can-get-my-balls-licked-by-a-different-girl-every-day-of-the-week rockstar. His attempts, of course, were in vain. But you see what I have to put up with, people? Even the goddamn rockstars are trying to get a piece of what I got. And they're supposed to be the good guys. It ain't easy being a Captain.
71. I once slept in a ditch. In the rain. On my birthday. Which happened to fall on Thanksgiving that year. I've done it all, boys.
72. I have never before used the word “mendacity”, this is the very first time.
73. I was once in a “gang” called The Thunderbirds, and we had a special handshake which was very complicated. The last move of the handshake was to lock our thumbs together and flap our fingers, to mimic a bird flying. That's how bad ass we were.
74. I once saw a homeless guy with a “will work for food” sign, and he looked just like Brad Pitt. I thought: man, that guy must be REALLY crazy.
75. I have 8 different writing styles that I use. I sometimes mix-n-match, but it's basically 8 styles. The style I'm writing in now, for example, is called “Mr Breeze”. The other styles are: Knife & Fork, Moonbeam Supreme, Dark Star, Bull's Eye, Old Leather, Basic Standard, and Evil Twin.
76. I have kept my eyes open, and have learned many things while walking the path of life. For example, I now understand the important role that quality footwear plays when attempting to attract a mate.
77. I used to wear boots that were literally held together with duct tape - and I still managed to get laid somehow. That's right, people. I'm just that good.
78. An Official Captain Smack Opinion: I think the bible is probably the most overrated book of all time. I'm not saying it's the worst book, I'm just saying that it's extremely overrated. It's all hodge-podge, like it was thrown together at the last minute. It's stylistically inconsistent as hell, jam packed with useless filler, vague, morally ambiguous, extremely contradictory, badly translated, outdated, utterly confusing (to the point where it almost has to be intentional), and it's way, waaay too long. Oh, and there are a bunch of sections missing. Puh-lease. This is the book everyone's going crazy over? If I were the editor-in-chief, the whole thing would get a complete rewrite. Although Ezekiel is pretty good. I do like the part with the helicopter.
79. I don't know what the word pedantic means.
80. I now know what the word pedantic means. It wasn't what I thought. (I thought it meant petty or trite.)
81. I sometimes enjoy being disliked by the general public. I sometimes go to the grocery store when I'm gnarly, unshaven, unshowered, greasy, smelly, and badly dressed. I throw out bad vibes, give people dirty looks, and intentionally try to unsettle them (which doesn't require much effort). It's not a hobby or anything, it's just something I do on the spur of the moment.
82. I was glad when we kicked Pluto out of the club. There was always something about that planet I just never liked. And I'm not too crazy about Uranus, either.
83. I've never done heroin, crystal meth, Ketamine, PCP or crack, or used any drug intravenously. I did once shove a pill up my ass, but that was a special situation which I refuse to elaborate on, so don't ask.
84. An Official Captain Smack Opinion: I don't like the Firefox browser, I don't care what anyone says. Its font rendering is total crap, looks horrible.
85. One night, recently, I came home drunk, wrote something personal on my penis with a magic marker, and then took several pictures of it. I intended to send one of the pictures in to the Penis Secret blog (a blog that posts anonymous pictures of guys' weewees which people then comment on). And I would have done it, too, but the software which lets me download pictures from my phone stopped working (probably a sign from god). So anyway, now I have pictures of my penis on my phone.
86. A telemarketer once called my house trying to sell me something, and I ended up talking her into going on a date with me. Another one of my proudest moments.
87. I can travel through space and time.
88. I took my mom to see Bo Diddly one night, and we ended up hanging out with him after the show (I can be quite schmoozy when it comes down to it). I proceeded to get very drunk and make a complete ass out of myself, at which point Bo told me “Boy, you don't know diddly!”. I responded by making a big show out of rolling my eyes.
89. I once dressed up like a woman - miniskirt, highheels, the whole shebang, and then walked around in public (bars, coffee shops) all night. It was funny. Guys would walk in and the first thing that would catch their eye would be my legs (which actually did look pretty damn hot in fishnet stockings, I almost got a little turned on myself), and then they would look up to my face and realize that I was a guy. Have fun working that out, frat boy.
90. I was born and raised in a small, southern town, with a population that was in the hundreds. So, deep down, I'm just a country boy. Well, shucky darn, how about that?
91. I once went over 10 years without getting sick, not even a cold.
92. I once went over 5 years without getting a haircut.
93. I once went over 2 weeks without jerking off.
94. I think about Life, the Universe, and Everything pretty frequently, but I don't talk about it much, and I certainly don't blog about it. Want to hear my theory about The Interconnectedness Of All Things? Neither do I.
95. When it comes to women, I keep my standards nice and low, which affords me more opportunity. It's a wonder I don't get laid more often.
96. I'm very good at oral sex, especially receiving it. Oh baby, I could receive it all night.
97. I once got kicked out of a rock band. They were all sneaky about it, the cocksuckers, and made out like they weren't actually giving me the boot, but rather that the whole band was breaking up. Then, about three weeks later, they all quietly “reformed” without me. That really hurt my feelings at first, but then, about a month later, I saw them at a gig, and they sucked. Their songs were stiff and lame sounding, the lyrics had no soul. It just didn't work without me, as I was the one who wrote all the songs. But here's the good part: one of them actually had the nerve ask me if they could still play some of my songs. Can you believe that shit? I was like “Uh, fuck no. What, are you crazy?”. Listen, people: You ain't gonna get none of that famous Captain Smack Magic (the Yaqui Indians call it it “Smagic”©) if you don't have the Captain Smack Stamp of Approval. So, please. Don't waste your time.
98. I was once hiding from the cops in a ditch, and a police car was slowly coming down the street, sweeping a searchlight back and forth, looking for me. At one point the light swept right over me, but they didn't see me and kept going. Oh, and I was 13 at the time. That's how badass I am.
99. Dark Confession: I sometimes watch cute kitten videos on youtube. It's true. It started with just one or two cute kitten videos at a time, but now I sometimes sit and watch 10 in a row. But you know what? It's totally under control. I can quit any time I choose. It's not like I have a problem or anything. Why are you looking at me like that?
100. Hey, speaking of cute kittens, here's something else I probably shouldn't tell you: when I was a little boy, I once read a story about a little kitten that got lost out in the cold. Do you know that one? The poor little kitty was lost and cold and scared, and it didn't know what to do! Well, the mama cat bravely trounced through the wind and snow, and found the kitten and brought it home, yay!, where it was given a delicious bowl of warm milk to lap up. Then, at the very end of the story, the kitten was sleeping soundly, curled up in a fluffy knitted blanket in front of a fireplace, all warm and comfy and safe. This story really affected me for some reason, and sometimes, even to this day, when I am stressed out, or sad, or when life is just kicking my ass in general, I will imagine that I am that little kitten. I'll curl up in a warm blanket and pretend that I have just been rescued from the terrible cold, brought home and given a bowl of warm milk to lap up with my cute little kitten tongue... and now the bad times are over, all is well, and I'm laying in the soft, orange glow of a cozy fireplace, all warm and dry and protected... falling asleep and having cute little kitten dreams about fuzzy mice and balls of yarn. That's how badass I am.
101. I tried anal sex a few times, but never saw what the fuss was all about.
I hope you sickos are happy.
Remember: Pick one of the above facts that you think is bullshit and vote on it. If any of the three lies score 1st, 2nd or 3rd place, then I'll reveal all three lies.
I'll even give you a clue: All three of the lies have something very basic in common with each other. Good luck. I have faith in you.
You can vote once per day. Voting ends 9/25/2007
VOTING HAS ENDED