Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I shave my balls

In an effort to make up for that last post, and to show everyone that my blogger balls are indeed still large and magnificent, I've decided to take the Knudsen Challenge, and post 101 true facts about Yours Truly. I'm even going to kick things up a notch (or down a notch, depending on how you look at it) and make a little game out of it:

THREE of the following 101 facts will be untrue. Complete fabrications. Dirty, filthy lies. Can you guess which ones they are?

At the bottom of the post is a poll. Vote on the fact you think most sounds like a load of crap. If you can sniff out ANY of the three non-facts, then I shall reveal all three. If not, then you shall forever wander in the dark, sexy shadow of my mysteriousness (god I'm so full of myself).

In order to fulfill the rules of the Knudsen Challenge, I will now state three extra facts that definitely are true:

A. I drink lots of coffee. I'm drinking it now, in fact. (Don't worry, they get better.)

B. I went to massage school, graduated and everything. I basically learned two very important things in massage school: 1. How to give massages, and 2. I do not like massaging random people, as many of them are rather unpleasant to touch.

C. (see title of post)

Also, my team of lawyers have asked me to include this:

Disclaimer: I, Captain Smack, hereby retain the right to re-use any of the below facts in future blog posts, as many of them are items which I had planned to blog about anyway. Furthermore, I, the fantastic blogger Captain Smack, also retain the right, at my discretion, to refer to any or all of the below 101 facts to fulfill any memes which I may or may not be tagged with in the future. By reading this disclaimer, you, the adoring and sexy reader, forfeit all rights to take any civil action against Captain Smack and/or SmackLabs LTD in the event that you are attacked by a dog, cat, snake or other such mammal or reptile while reading the following facts. This disclaimer is an illegally and sexually binding contract in all 57 states, and may not be reproduced except in cases of emergency or extreme disorientation. You may or may not be required to eat me. Please remember to tip your waitress, and don't believe everything you drink. Void where prohibited by natural law. Offer not valid in Florida. Praise Bob.

Here we go:

1. I'm a cat person.

2. I'm a night owl.

3. I'm an animal.

4. I never get bored.

5. I never go to church.

6. I never get headaches, except when I'm hungover, which doesn't count.

7. I never kill bugs unless I have to, especially spiders.

8. Sometimes, when a bug suddenly flies in my face, I overreact, flailing my arms about in the air like a little girl.

9. I like the hippies, I don't care what anyone says.

10. I was once in a high-speed car chase with two crazy rednecks in a truck, one of which was leaning out the window, trying to beat my car with a baseball bat. I totally did that action movie thing, where you take a corner while sliding sideways. One of my proudest moments.

11. I was once in a lesbian rock band. Since I have a penis, they had to make me an honorary lesbian. So whenever I tell people that I'm part lesbian, that's what I'm referring to.

12. I've never had cyber sex, nor do I plan to. Do people really do that? It seems weird to me, but whatever.

13. I used to have a pet rooster named Billy Markham. Billy just disappeared one day, and I never saw him again. We were not all that close (as far as pets go), but, for some reason, after Billy was gone, he appeared in many of my dreams.

14. As for comedians, George Carlin is my favorite. Chris Rock is a close second.

15. I never understood why people went on and on about how fat Monica Lewinsky was. She wasn't that fat. Maybe a little plump, but I would not describe her as fat. What's wrong with you people?

16. I invented an octophonic sound system. Oh yes I did. It has 8 speakers; four that go in each corner of the floor, and four in each corner of the ceiling. That way, you can have sounds that pan back and forth, side to side, and up and down. It sounds amazing, almost scary. Blows 5.1 away. Too bad you can't hear it.

17. When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with Scoliosis (sideways curvature of the spine). The doctor gave me all these exercises to do, and I never did any of them. It went away anyway.

18. I once climbed up an ancient pyramid.

19. I once climbed down an ancient pyramid.

20. I once grew a beard that won a prize.

21. I was going down on a girl in my car when a cop pulled up behind us. He ended up arresting me because I had a warrant out. The girl was very impressed, and promptly fucked my brains out as soon as I got out of jail.

22. I once ate a lion. Well, part of a lion, anyway.

23. When I was about 9 years old I was attacked by an owl. I never even saw the thing, it happened so fast, but my parents were there when it happened, and they said it was huge, the biggest owl they had ever seen. I had to get stitches on my shoulder, and it also punctured the skin on my back in two places.

24. Sometimes, when I'm out in society, walking among other humans, I'll see a person - just some random stranger - and am suddenly filled with intense sadness for them. I don't know why.

25. I had horrible acne in middle school (ages 12 and 13). I had the second-worst acne in school. The worst acne was on the face of a guy named Leo. Some people called me “zit”. That was a lot of fun, having the nickname “zit”.

26. The longest relationship I was ever in was 3 years, and I'm still very close to her, though we are not lovers anymore.

27. I was once at a party, and two different people - who were not friends with each other - told me I looked like Clint Eastwood. Since then, I've asked many people if they thought I looked like Clint Eastwood, and they all tell me that I don't look anything like him (which I don't), so I don't know what that was all about.

28. The first book that really grabbed me was “Of Mice and Men”, by Steinbeck. The next was “1984”, which everyone should read. Look: if you haven't read it yet, do yourself a solid and get in on the fun. Consider it a basic part of your human education. If I was Big Brother, I would make everyone read it.

29. Dark Confession: I was going to admit to something here, but then I looked up the statute of limitations on that particular crime, and found out that it was 10 years, and not 7 like I thought, so I guess I'll have to get back to you in 3 years.

30. I try to do things in groups of three.

31. I have a terrible sense of direction. I can get lost while going for a walk in my own neighborhood.

32. The number “32” is my number. I don't know why, or what it means, but it has just always been my number. It's not my “favorite” number, it's just my number. Does everyone have a number?

33. When I was 19, my girlfriend went to Europe for a month with her parents, and her parents had me house-sit for them. They had a dog and a very expensive parrot which I was to care for. They said the bird would go crazy if it didn't have company. While they were away I discovered that my girlfriend had been cheating on me with her ex-boyfriend. As revenge, I invited Michelle, who I knew had a big crush on me, to come over, and had sex with her on my girlfriend's bed. Then – and this was actually Michelle's idea, bless her heart - I taught the parrot to say “Your daughter's a whore, your daughter's a whore”.

34. Dark Confession: A friend and I once tried to get revenge on someone by taking them out to an old 18th century graveyard, way out in the middle of the woods, late at night, and then leaving them there. That was the same night as the high-speed car chase, now that I think about it, although the two things are unrelated. That was a crazy night.

35. I can be a real asshole sometimes, as seen in fact #34.

36. An Official Captain Smack Opinion: I'm not a big fan of underwear.

37. Karmicly speaking, the world owes me at least 50 backrubs. And I don't even know how much oral sex, but plenty. If I go to heaven when I die, there better be plenty of backrubs and blowjobs waiting for me, that's all I have to say.

38. Some people don't like me. You know who you are.

39. I don't like cops. I'm sure that comes as a shock to you. Here's the thing: they're always sticking their noses in other people's business. I don't like that.

40. I do an amazing Willie Nelson impression, though normally I do not sing like him at all. You should see me do “The Ballad of Poncho and Lefty” on Karaoke night. (I hate doing Karaoke, by the way, but sometimes I have to.)

41. I've never had sex with a prostitute. So far they've all been amateurs.

42. One day I plan to go to Amsterdam, eat a bunch of ecstasy, and get three hookers to do me at once. It's sort of a crazy dream of mine.

43. I don't usually get celebrity crushes, but there was a brief period when I just thought Drew Barrymore was mind-blowingly hot. It was during a low point in her career, when she did the made-for-TV movie “Long Island Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story”. Man, you couldn't touch her back then.

44. Speaking of celebrity crushes, here's one I actually do have: Allison Krause.

It's not a sexual thing, like with Barrymore. No, with Allison, it's special. I just fall in love with her every time I see her. How could you not? Just look at her:

Here she is doing her thing:

Man, should could play my fiddle any time.

Here she is just being beautiful, like a soft, moist angel from heaven:

Man, she could, um, walk on my beach any time.

Here she is again. This time she's with some old fart (I think he used to be in a rock band or something):

My guitar is WAY bigger than this dude's.

Oh, and here she is before she puts her makeup on:

Hey, I told you I didn't love her for her looks.

But if you really want to know why I'm in love with Allison Krause, just listen to this (I just know she wrote this song about me, even though we've never actually met. It's a cosmic thing, I can't explain it.)

45. I've often said that I wouldn't mind being famous, as long as nobody knew who I was.

46. I have to pee.

47. I don't have to pee any more.

48. I get some of my best ideas while taking a crap. I don't know why, but I think it might be that when I expel waste, it creates a vacuum which sucks great ideas out of thin air. Or something like that.

49. When I was 12, I named my penis “Dexter”. After a couple of years the name started to bug me, so I un-named it. It doesn't have a name now, it's just my penis.

50. Dark Confession: I used to make “self-improvement” lists. I would list everything I could think of that I thought would improve my life. The list would usually include meditation, exercise, vitamins, being more productive, doing my kegels, getting an octopus tattoo on my back, etc. I would make a pact with myself to do everything on the list... not one at a time, but just take on the whole list at once. I usually never made it more than 2 or 3 days. I have, however, done everything from those lists at one point or another, except getting an octopus tattoo on my back (which I would've done and will still do if I can just find the right picture of an octopus. Does anyone out there have a killer octopus picture?)

51. I once beat the crap out of a guy who was much bigger than me.

52. I once got the crap beaten out of me by a guy who was much smaller than me.

53. I'm not a breaker-upper, I'm a worker-outer. Know what I mean? When a relationship runs its course and the end is near, I'm usually the one to try and salvage it, and she's usually the one to finally roll out the guillotine. Thank god, too. If I ever hooked up with another worker-outer, we'd probably stay together forever, so I avoid those types.

54. I once came on the ceiling. I was laying in bed, jerking off, and I literally squirted all the way up to the ceiling. And it wasn't a loft, or a room with an unusually low ceiling or anything like that. I didn't feel proud. I wasn't sure how to feel about it, actually. It seemed kind of weird.

55. Me and my best friend repeatedly punched each other in the faces one night, just to see what it was like. This was before the movie Fight Club came out, by the way. I swear to god, as soon as I come up with something, there's Hollywood, stealing my thunder.

56. I am not a slave to my cell phone. I don't worry about missing calls, fuck that. I leave the thing on silent half the time. The cell phone is an invention for my convenience, not yours.

57. An Official Captain Smack Opinion: I think that conspiracies happen all the time, every day. But they're not usually very glamorous. They are often dull and complicated, and generally have to do with large corporations and large sums of money, and there's usually a lot of strange math involved... the kind of mess that would take a team of forensic accountants and legal scholars to unravel. Occasionally that happens, and we hear about it on the news. The other 99.9% of the time we get screwed, while some fat, white, cigar-smoking pig eyed sack of shit laughs his giant, hemorrhoidal ass off.

I used to have a soul, but I ate it.

58. Speaking of conspiracies, listen up, fruitcakes: I watched that “Loose Change” thing, but I don't think that 9/11 was a conspiracy perpetrated by the Bush administration. I know many people do, but Captain Smack just doesn't buy it. C'mon people. Get real. That shit was just bound to happen eventually. I'm just surprised it took as long as it did.

59. I don't believe the New Orleans flood was a conspiracy either.

60. I do think the JFK assassination was a conspiracy. You'd have to be crazy not to see that.

61. I used to live in New Orleans. I haven't yet decided if I'm going back. At this point, it's a toss-up between New Orleans and Puerto Rico.

62. I just now injured myself. Oh, great, I'm bleeding. That sucks.

63. I lost my virginity at 17. It was in a trailer, and there were a bunch of crazy rednecks outside, banging on the walls, hootin' and hollerin' when it happened. Not the best way to lose your virginity, but probably not the worst, either.

64. Dark Confession: This Knudsen Challenge is starting to kick my ass. I have to admit, it's not as easy as I thought. But I'm not giving up! Fuck that. I will drag my large, hairy shaved blogger balls across the finish line no matter what. (And if I don't, then you won't be reading this anyway, so who cares?)

65. I once had what seemed to be an out-of-body experience, but it's hard to talk about that sort of thing without sounding like some flaky new age jerkoff, so I almost never bring it up. I'm only bringing it up now because I'm pressed for interesting facts.

66. When faced with weird, paranormal phenomena, like UFOs, out-of-body experiences, or having exactly the right amount of change at an unexpected toll booth, I try to not jump to conclusions either way. I believe in taking things at face value. I sometimes can't help myself, though, and find myself latching onto my more bizarre experiences in an attempt to define my existence, and uncover my own true nature. But here's the real truth: I don't know what the fuck's going on. Do you?

67. An Official Captain Smack Opinion: I consider imitation to be the highest form of flattery, except in the case of identity theft, in which case it's just rude.

68. I do not negotiate with terrorists. (It's not an official position or anything, it's just never come up before.)

69. I am easily and strongly repulsed by things that strike me as pretentious or flaky. I get very turned off when people sit there and blab a bunch of intellectual sounding crap just for the purpose of sounding like an intellectual. Or when people use gratuitously fancy language or make obscure references just so everyone will see how smart they are. Oh, please, fuck off. I'd rather some people think I'm a dumbass than to come off as some phony douchebag. If you're smart, then people will know it, and if not, then they'll probably figure that out, too. There's nothing wrong with being unintelligent. Some of the greatest people who ever lived were complete idiots.

70. A rockstar tried to steal my girlfriend one time. And I'm not talking about some hey-look-at-me-I-was-once-featured-on-Mtv's-Headbanger's-Ball-at-five-in-the-morning type of rockstar. I'm talking about a real, live I've-got-millions-of-dollars-and-have-had-several-number-one-songs-and-can-get-my-balls-licked-by-a-different-girl-every-day-of-the-week rockstar. His attempts, of course, were in vain. But you see what I have to put up with, people? Even the goddamn rockstars are trying to get a piece of what I got. And they're supposed to be the good guys. It ain't easy being a Captain.

71. I once slept in a ditch. In the rain. On my birthday. Which happened to fall on Thanksgiving that year. I've done it all, boys.

72. I have never before used the word “mendacity”, this is the very first time.

73. I was once in a “gang” called The Thunderbirds, and we had a special handshake which was very complicated. The last move of the handshake was to lock our thumbs together and flap our fingers, to mimic a bird flying. That's how bad ass we were.

74. I once saw a homeless guy with a “will work for food” sign, and he looked just like Brad Pitt. I thought: man, that guy must be REALLY crazy.

75. I have 8 different writing styles that I use. I sometimes mix-n-match, but it's basically 8 styles. The style I'm writing in now, for example, is called “Mr Breeze”. The other styles are: Knife & Fork, Moonbeam Supreme, Dark Star, Bull's Eye, Old Leather, Basic Standard, and Evil Twin.

76. I have kept my eyes open, and have learned many things while walking the path of life. For example, I now understand the important role that quality footwear plays when attempting to attract a mate.

77. I used to wear boots that were literally held together with duct tape - and I still managed to get laid somehow. That's right, people. I'm just that good.

78. An Official Captain Smack Opinion: I think the bible is probably the most overrated book of all time. I'm not saying it's the worst book, I'm just saying that it's extremely overrated. It's all hodge-podge, like it was thrown together at the last minute. It's stylistically inconsistent as hell, jam packed with useless filler, vague, morally ambiguous, extremely contradictory, badly translated, outdated, utterly confusing (to the point where it almost has to be intentional), and it's way, waaay too long. Oh, and there are a bunch of sections missing. Puh-lease. This is the book everyone's going crazy over? If I were the editor-in-chief, the whole thing would get a complete rewrite. Although Ezekiel is pretty good. I do like the part with the helicopter.

79. I don't know what the word pedantic means.

80. I now know what the word pedantic means. It wasn't what I thought. (I thought it meant petty or trite.)

81. I sometimes enjoy being disliked by the general public. I sometimes go to the grocery store when I'm gnarly, unshaven, unshowered, greasy, smelly, and badly dressed. I throw out bad vibes, give people dirty looks, and intentionally try to unsettle them (which doesn't require much effort). It's not a hobby or anything, it's just something I do on the spur of the moment.

82. I was glad when we kicked Pluto out of the club. There was always something about that planet I just never liked. And I'm not too crazy about Uranus, either.

83. I've never done heroin, crystal meth, Ketamine, PCP or crack, or used any drug intravenously. I did once shove a pill up my ass, but that was a special situation which I refuse to elaborate on, so don't ask.

84. An Official Captain Smack Opinion: I don't like the Firefox browser, I don't care what anyone says. Its font rendering is total crap, looks horrible.

85. One night, recently, I came home drunk, wrote something personal on my penis with a magic marker, and then took several pictures of it. I intended to send one of the pictures in to the Penis Secret blog (a blog that posts anonymous pictures of guys' weewees which people then comment on). And I would have done it, too, but the software which lets me download pictures from my phone stopped working (probably a sign from god). So anyway, now I have pictures of my penis on my phone.

86. A telemarketer once called my house trying to sell me something, and I ended up talking her into going on a date with me. Another one of my proudest moments.

87. I can travel through space and time.

88. I took my mom to see Bo Diddly one night, and we ended up hanging out with him after the show (I can be quite schmoozy when it comes down to it). I proceeded to get very drunk and make a complete ass out of myself, at which point Bo told me “Boy, you don't know diddly!”. I responded by making a big show out of rolling my eyes.

89. I once dressed up like a woman - miniskirt, highheels, the whole shebang, and then walked around in public (bars, coffee shops) all night. It was funny. Guys would walk in and the first thing that would catch their eye would be my legs (which actually did look pretty damn hot in fishnet stockings, I almost got a little turned on myself), and then they would look up to my face and realize that I was a guy. Have fun working that out, frat boy.

90. I was born and raised in a small, southern town, with a population that was in the hundreds. So, deep down, I'm just a country boy. Well, shucky darn, how about that?

91. I once went over 10 years without getting sick, not even a cold.

92. I once went over 5 years without getting a haircut.

93. I once went over 2 weeks without jerking off.

94. I think about Life, the Universe, and Everything pretty frequently, but I don't talk about it much, and I certainly don't blog about it. Want to hear my theory about The Interconnectedness Of All Things? Neither do I.

95. When it comes to women, I keep my standards nice and low, which affords me more opportunity. It's a wonder I don't get laid more often.

96. I'm very good at oral sex, especially receiving it. Oh baby, I could receive it all night.

97. I once got kicked out of a rock band. They were all sneaky about it, the cocksuckers, and made out like they weren't actually giving me the boot, but rather that the whole band was breaking up. Then, about three weeks later, they all quietly “reformed” without me. That really hurt my feelings at first, but then, about a month later, I saw them at a gig, and they sucked. Their songs were stiff and lame sounding, the lyrics had no soul. It just didn't work without me, as I was the one who wrote all the songs. But here's the good part: one of them actually had the nerve ask me if they could still play some of my songs. Can you believe that shit? I was like “Uh, fuck no. What, are you crazy?”. Listen, people: You ain't gonna get none of that famous Captain Smack Magic (the Yaqui Indians call it it “Smagic”©) if you don't have the Captain Smack Stamp of Approval. So, please. Don't waste your time.

98. I was once hiding from the cops in a ditch, and a police car was slowly coming down the street, sweeping a searchlight back and forth, looking for me. At one point the light swept right over me, but they didn't see me and kept going. Oh, and I was 13 at the time. That's how badass I am.

99. Dark Confession: I sometimes watch cute kitten videos on youtube. It's true. It started with just one or two cute kitten videos at a time, but now I sometimes sit and watch 10 in a row. But you know what? It's totally under control. I can quit any time I choose. It's not like I have a problem or anything. Why are you looking at me like that?

100. Hey, speaking of cute kittens, here's something else I probably shouldn't tell you: when I was a little boy, I once read a story about a little kitten that got lost out in the cold. Do you know that one? The poor little kitty was lost and cold and scared, and it didn't know what to do! Well, the mama cat bravely trounced through the wind and snow, and found the kitten and brought it home, yay!, where it was given a delicious bowl of warm milk to lap up. Then, at the very end of the story, the kitten was sleeping soundly, curled up in a fluffy knitted blanket in front of a fireplace, all warm and comfy and safe. This story really affected me for some reason, and sometimes, even to this day, when I am stressed out, or sad, or when life is just kicking my ass in general, I will imagine that I am that little kitten. I'll curl up in a warm blanket and pretend that I have just been rescued from the terrible cold, brought home and given a bowl of warm milk to lap up with my cute little kitten tongue... and now the bad times are over, all is well, and I'm laying in the soft, orange glow of a cozy fireplace, all warm and dry and protected... falling asleep and having cute little kitten dreams about fuzzy mice and balls of yarn. That's how badass I am.

101. I tried anal sex a few times, but never saw what the fuss was all about.

I hope you sickos are happy.

Remember: Pick one of the above facts that you think is bullshit and vote on it. If any of the three lies score 1st, 2nd or 3rd place, then I'll reveal all three lies.

I'll even give you a clue: All three of the lies have something very basic in common with each other. Good luck. I have faith in you.

You can vote once per day. Voting ends 9/25/2007



phishez_rule said...

I'm so special. Hurrah! I came first!

jungle jane said...

Yo Smack, got any lubricant?


phishez_rule said...

And now to come second as well...

Dexter is a very geeky name.

I once made an ex come on the wall, from the other side of my queen sized bed... two feet higher than where it left his body.

I'm shattered that you haven't sent me those pics of your peep. I'm tempted to tell you I'll post you pics of me naked, but no one wants to see that.

Miss B said...

a pill in your ass? correlation to "not so special" anal sex feelings? hmmm

we're karmic twins, captain, 'coz i could give oral all night long. who knew? although i do have to say, i've never come across ball stubble (no pun intended-heh).

much better hero...

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Just curious: By chance, did you get to sleep with your lesbian bandmates? And, if so, did they consider it lesbian sex, since they'd already deemed you a lesbian?

Erica AP said...

I was diagnosed with Scoliosis when I was little too. And I didn't do the exercises much and now I don't have it either. Crock of shit or not? I really enjoyed this entry even though it was long. I usually don't have the attention span for these things but when Captain Smack is involved I'll read anything.

Beefcake Almighty said...

Sorry to tell you, my brother in Hulkamania arms, but Alison Krause wrote that song about me when I gave her the 3 fingered monkey's fist of death.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

there's no way you have gone a full day without spanking it i pressume

Captain Smack said...

Hey, don't blame me, blame God. I think my camera software going on the fritz right then was divine intervention.

Are you feeling dry?

Miss B:
All night? You've just moved up about 10 places on the woman-of-my-dreams list.

Blowing Shit Up:
One of them, but that was before the band was started, so I guess it wasn't lesbian sex.

You too? I wonder if you're my twin sister, separated at birth. God, I hope not. That would be weird.

I hate to differ with you, Beefcake, but I think you may be confusing her with someone else. Besides, what's a hardcore headbanger interested in Allison Krause for?

NYCPonderings Chick:
Geez, it's not like I'm some crazy sex fiend or something...

unique_stephen said...

killer octopus picture

- phishez - don't let me stop you

Steph said...

You know I just clicked any number because after I spent an hour reading all that my brain was so fucked I couldn't remember a thing except rednecks feature a lot in your life.

phishez_rule said...

So if the software starts working again then thats a sign you SHOULD send them to me right?

Fatman said...

re: Fact 17 Did your Scoliosis get in the way of Twister parties?

re: Fact 52 I once knew this guy who got beaten up by jockeys. Evil little buggers.

re: Fact 73 Did the Thunderbirds also walk around like marionettes and call each other 'Virgil'?

re: Fact 78 Dude, Jonathan Franzen's 'The Corrections' is the most overrated book of all time.

re: Fact 87 Duh...Could this be one of your made up facts? Unless you mean travel in time and space one moment at a time and not warp to the birth of the Mayan civilization or the year 2089.

re: Fact 89 I have a friend called Dave who dressed up as a woman for a party. It wasn't fancy dress or nuthin', he just dressed up for it. Which had everyone in stitches. A week later, at another party, Dave turns up as "Davina" once again to much laughter. A month or so later another friend spots "Davina" walking down the street. Not too long after that Dave's housemate wandered into Dave's room to see him playing the PS2 in full drag. A month later Dave reverted to normal again. He hasn't dressed as a woman since.

re: Fact 101 You tried anal sex? Did your bum hurt the next day?

Erica AP said...

That would be weird because I thought I had a crush on you... But now that you think we are twins, my crush is diminishing and my curiosity is rising. Like a sunrise. Do you like sunrises? If you do then it's scientifically proven that we are twins.

Captain Smack said...

Google? Oh, well hell, why didn't I think of that? (if I used smiley faces, I would insert one here, but I don't use them, so you'll just have to picture it)

What can I say, I'm just a good ol' boy. Yee-HAW! I promise, though, I'll start writing shorter posts. I've been going to extremes lately.

Hmmm... that's a complicated metaphysical question. I'll have to consult my "Big Book of Interpreting Omens", I know I left it laying around here somewhere...


re: Fact 17 Did your Scoliosis get in the way of Twister parties?

I was never invited to a twister party, I don't think they are legal here in the U.S.

re: Fact 52 I once knew this guy who got beaten up by jockeys. Evil little buggers.

Some of those little guys are tough as hell. Which is so adorable.

re: Fact 73 Did the Thunderbirds also walk around like marionettes and call each other 'Virgil'?

No, but sometimes we would start snapping our fingers and then spontaneously break out into a well-choreographed song and dance routine.

re: Fact 78 Dude, Jonathan Franzen's 'The Corrections' is the most overrated book of all time.

I should have said it was "one" of the most overrated books of all time. I was kind of zipping through these.

re: Fact 87 Duh...Could this be one of your made up facts? Unless you mean travel in time and space one moment at a time and not warp to the birth of the Mayan civilization or the year 2089.

The reason I put that fact there: There is a Led Zeppelin song with the line "I am a traveler of both space and time" (I think it might be Kashmir, I'm not sure), and I remember thinking "big fucking deal. We're ALL traveling through space and time".

re: Fact 89 I have a friend called Dave who dressed up as a woman for a party. It wasn't fancy dress or nuthin', he just dressed up for it. Which had everyone in stitches. A week later, at another party, Dave turns up as "Davina" once again to much laughter. A month or so later another friend spots "Davina" walking down the street. Not too long after that Dave's housemate wandered into Dave's room to see him playing the PS2 in full drag. A month later Dave reverted to normal again. He hasn't dressed as a woman since.

I guess he just needed to get it out of his system.

re: Fact 101 You tried anal sex? Did your bum hurt the next day?

Insert rim-shot here.

(Get it? Rim-shot?)

I fucking hate sunsets, don't even get me started. They're so stupid. Whenever I see a sunset, I'm like "hey, what's you're problem, sunset? Huh?".

Stupid sunsets... think they're so great...

Adjil said...

OK, I didn't think to much of #62, until I saw #64...

Jo said...

I was going to write something complimentary, or sucky, or dripping with 'oh-my-god-we're-so-alike-except-for-the-balls-thing' fellow-feeling-ness, but I stopped myself.

I'm not gonna blow smoke up your arse.

Lord knows, it's crowded enough up there already.

Miss Smack said...

I really don't think you'd send in a picture of your penis, but I voted for the cat comments. 1, 99 and 100.

jungle jane said...

I checked my cat radar and i reckon you are a hater. So that's the lie. and also that shit about travelling through time and space.

i reckon you should post number 102 and tell us all about how much you believe in astrology. Trust me, Smack - chicks LOVE that shit....

Miss B said...

Oh Captain,come on over to MY place... Naked Twister is a favorite... on a really wild night, it's DRUNKEN Naked Twister...

Erica AP said...

Damn, man... Take a breather. I know that sunset is and asshole but there's no need to fight about it. You are better that that, man. Be the bigger man this time. But if he ever looks at you wrong again I got your back. We'll fucking take him down. (high five!)

unique_stephen said...

Before I commit to my three I need to know - was this you?

kiki said...



Prunella Jones said...

Wow, Captain. That list was quite a challenge to my ADD. Especially since I am no longer feeding my brain the massive quanities of Adderall it seems to require to operate even slightly. All in all though, it was a good list. The thing I liked best is that after reading 101 of your true facts, I still feel like I don't know a thing about you. That's a pretty sly and slippery trick, yo.

I think I will guess the same as Ms. Smack. She is a smart girl so I'm sure she is right.


I guessed 12, 34 and 42. I odn't recall what thye were but I think ne was that you would never have sex with 3 prostitutues in an Amsterdam hotel. Or am I naive?You are more gentlemanly than you let on. :)

Captain Smack said...

I'm not sure if I get that. What's the correlation?

God, tell me about it.

Miss Smack:
Are you saying I'm chicken? I see what you're trying to do. As for the cats... you've got the right idea...

Good point. I'm a Sagitarius, you know. The most philosophical of the signs.

Miss B:
I bet naked twister would be a lot more challenging covered in oil. That just popped in my head for some reason.

We might have too. That damn nosey sunset keeps following me around, looking over my shoulder. The moon does that too. What's up with that?

Hmm, robbing a convenience store wearing only a hat... that does seem to have a certain "Smackesqueness" to it. But it must've been a copycat, I generally try to avoid Pennsylvania.

I suppose at some point I'm going to have to address 87...

ADD? Is that what Adderall's for? I thought it was something people used to make club drugs last longer.

Well, of course I'm a gentlemen (who would totally bang some Amsterdam hookers).

Anonymous said...

I think you made them all up - and you are in fact a little old lady retired Nun living on her own . In Canada.

Captain Smack said...


Madam Z said...

This is the most fun I've had in at least two weeks.
True ( )
False ( )

No... Really...

Especially No. 33

Now, regarding No. 67...if indeed you believe "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" and you would like to be flattered, would you mind if I plagiarized your idea here and did a similar post on my blog? I think it is the coolest idea ever! Really!

I want to do it so bad! But I won't, unless you give me permission. Puh-leeze?

Miller said...

The homeless guy probably really was brad pitt researching a role. you should have given him some food and made him work for you.

Captain Smack said...

Madam Z:
Actually, this wasn't my idea to begin with, it's the Knudsen Challenge, which several other bloggers have already taken, so go for it. In fact, you should link back to Knudsen (mine's at the top of the post). You can see other 101 facts in Knudsen's sidebar. The voting thing was something I added, but please, take it and run with it.

I should have cleaned him up and made him go to the bars with me.

Helen said...

You know, I was just thinking to myself the other day "we really don't know that much about the Captain well except that he wears boxers with chilli peppers on them" Now there are so many dimensions. I'm going to just trot along behind Smack. Miss Smack that is.

Miss B said...

oooh... naked twister AND fun with food... flavored oil, chocolate syrup... and the holidays are coming up - you should see what I do with those extra large candy canes!

Madam Z said...

Thank you, Captain! Thank you, Old Knudsen! I have 5 of the 101 ready to go...

Old Knudsen said...

5? memes are for the weak only a true blogger can do the 101 I do wish to know why it was my name you wrote on yer penis, nice picture by the way. Kittens, drag no handball for two weeks I'm disgusted and confused at the same time.

anandamide said...

The part about Alison Krauss being moist is definitely not true.....


Helen has a fetish about your knickersI totally forgot about them until she mentioned them.
I now know more about you than the man I married.


Where the f*** is Zoning?

MsPuddin said...

1. I hate cats.

51 and 52 so does that mean you beat up yourself?

87- I’m guessing that’s a lie…and 41, come on you know you ve paid for sex...

95 and 96- so the women you mess w/ do they have teeth?

Captain Smack you scare and titillate me all @ the same time…


Captain Smack said...

I'm glad you feel that way. Pru said she didn't feel like she knew me any better at all.

By the way, I have some Scooby-Doo boxers, too. I have no idea why I have them, but there you go.

Miss B:
I, um... I'm not sure exactly what you had in mind with that extra large candy cane, but let's just take it slow and stick to the syrup and oils for now, ok?

Madam Z:
If you find yourself stuck after just a few, try this technique: get really drunk (all the great writers do it).

What, you're telling me you don't like kittens? And I know you've dressed in drag before, it was in your 101 facts.

She's moist and sweet with a creamy center.

(Oh, I get it now. Knickers. Ok.) Well, Helen obviously knows how to retain the really important information from a post.

Hey, if you ever get married again, be sure to have them go over my 101 list to see if any of it sounds familiar. And yeah... where the fuck is that chick? She's started to grow on me (kind of like a fungus).


"1. I hate cats."

That's insane.

"51 and 52 so does that mean you beat up yourself?"

Yes, I beat myself regularly.

"87- I’m guessing that’s a lie…and 41, come on you know you've paid for sex"

Guys always end up paying for sex, just not directly.

"95 and 96- so the women you mess w/ do they have teeth?"

So far, yes, but it's not a requirement.

morbid misanthrope said...

Dude, my birthday falls on Thanksgiving from time to time as well. In fact, by the time I was 14, I had already killed six people for calling me a "happy turkey baby." Of course, that may or may not be true. I'm not the one on the spot with this 101 things crap.

And for the record, I was against kicking you out of the band in such a weak, underhanded way. It was all Skeebo's idea. You remember Skeebo, right? He was the worst drummer ever, but he was the one with all the connections down at the Family Fun Center, and we really, really wanted to play a gig there. And the only song we wanted of yours was that one that sounded like "Walk" by Pantera. Just admit you totally stole that riff. It'll make you feel better.

It's not like you weren't at fault just a little bit yourself, you know. The rest of us got tired of you having your dad bring you to practice. It made us look like dorks--especially when he made us play all those Zeppelin songs so he could wear tight jeans and pretend he was a balding Robert Plant.

By the way, I thought Julien Clauss invented that octophonic sound system thing ... or was that the cyclic octophonic system? One of my personalities is an audiophile, so I’ll have to ask him about it when he finishes talking shit about Bose speakers on those message boards he’s always on.

Captain Smack said...

Hey, did you ever get a pumpkin pie with birthday candles instead of a cake? I did. Once.

You're referring to the time I was kicked out of the death metal band. I was actually talking about the time I got kicked out of a funk band (I get kicked out of a lot of bands). I didn't realize that that was what you guys were up to. Gee, thanks. Oh, and if you see Skeebo when he makes parole, tell him he still owes me $20 and a ball of hash.

As for audio, I think Stockhausen created the first octophonic system, which is like Clauss' in that it is 8 channels/speakers arranged in a circle, which allows sounds to pan side-to-side and back-to-front, but not up and down. And it's really not that different from quadraphonic. For total 3D panning, you have to include that vertical axis, I don't know why these other guys never seem to make that connection. Maybe you could ask him. Oh, and then there's that Flaming Lips thing, "Zaireeka", which is four CDs that are meant to be played simultaneously on four separate sound systems, but that's a whole other thing.

Miss B said...

dahling, the candy cane was for ME... so ruling out the anal? ;)Oils and syrups it is!

Captain Smack said...

Whew! That's good to hear. Gee, I'm starting to get the Holiday spirit already. Ho ho ho!

willis said...

I picked #93. No real reason, I just wanted to play and it seemed like something one would lie about.

Josh said...

I have to admit I am torn between traumatised and exhausted after reading that list of factoids.

I can relate to your point 71. I once woke up on a football field to find myself half frozen to the ground in the early morning frost.

When I got up to leave there was a perfect crime scenesque body outline in bright green grass on an otherwise white, frosty field.

It was my best ever piece of urban art. The single set of foot steps leading away told the whole story beautifully.

morbid misanthrope said...

Neat! I like to to listen to music in this set of headphones with one of the ear pieces broken off so I can hear the TV, too.

Captain Smack said...

Actually, now that I think about it, I once went about 10 years (ages-0 to 10) without flogging myself. But that's a technicality.

Wow, that's a great image. I wonder if anyone else saw it.

That's multitainment.

Kim said...

I never even got a chance to vote (pout).

Captain Smack said...

Yes, seven days is an awfully short time. Maybe I should have accepted absentee ballots.

Madam Z said...

Okay, I can't stand the suspense any longer. Why on earth do you shave your balls? Why would ANYONE shave his balls? It sounds painful. And don't they itch afterwards? And the stubble! OY!

Anonymous said...

61, 75, 100
Sorry, too damn drunk fro conversation now. Or did you show the lies already? Nice stories, very american.

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About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.