Friday, April 6, 2007

Where Are the Sex Machines?

It's 2007, and we still don't have any decent sex machines. What the hell?

Hey, scientists: In the 50's you guys promised us flying cars. Well, the millennium came and went, and guess what? No flying cars. But, hey, you know what? Screw the flying cars! I want something I can stick my ding-a-ling in. Something with moving parts, space-age polymers, complicated hydraulics and neural receptor things you stick on your head. What the hell are you guys doing all day?

I say, if you have enough time to develop nuclear bombs, go to the moon, and create genetically engineered man-goats, then it seems like you could work in a Blowjomatic 2000 or something.

You know, if we had sex machines, we wouldn't even need nuclear bombs. We could just fly over Iraq and drop Blowjomatics on them. Really, those sex-starved Al-Qaeda guys wouldn't know what hit them. "A sex-machine in the hand is better than 72 virgins in the bush."

And this is what puzzles me: They say it's a “man's world”. Then why is it that women have all these amazing dildos that spin and vibrate and rotate and wiggle and do the cha-cha and everything but fix you a cup of coffee in the morning, while us boys are stuck with... what? Pocket pussies? Are you shitting me? That's the best we can do? I'd rather stick my dick in a cantaloupe (which I've done, by the way).


Time to get the ball rolling on this, fellas. Let's get this project up and running. Women have far too much coochie power as it is, and now with their high-tech bionic dildos to turn to, it's only going to get worse. Eventually they're going to figure out that they really don't need us at all.

Alright. So here's what I've come up with so far, run with this:

I envision something with a virtual-reality helmet, maybe, and you can load a disc or cartridge into it, like a video game. But with a thing that attaches to your genitals. I don't know, I'm not an engineer, but something along those lines. After a tough day at the toilet factory you could say “tonight I'm feeling like Drew Barrymore...”, put your helmet on and load in the Drew Barrymore disc. Then maybe a menu pops up, where you can give her a mohawk and a nose ring if you want, like in Grand Theft Auto.

Something like that.

And if it costs $60,000, then so be it. That may seem like a lot of money, but if you think about it: Why do guys buy $60,000 cars? Primarily to attract women. I say: cut out the middle-man. I say: Emancipate yourself from coochie slavery. I say: Drive around in a piece-of-shit 89' Honda Accord all day, then go home and bang Drew Barrymore with a purple mohawk.

(and yes, it's been awhile)


ploop said...


You are right to point this out and I think you are the man for the job!

PS: I've linked to your blog from the plooptionary

Captain Smack said...

I don't think I'm the man for the job. My last attempt at building a sex machine was a disaster. But that's another post, and will probably require a fairly high blood/alcohol level to compose.

PS: I'm linking to you as well, ploop (it was already on my to-do list, btw)

Erica AP said...

If you can paten an idea - you could not only become rich off of it, you could have your very own machine that you probably wouldn't have to buy. (because you made up the idea, duh.) Right? Right?

Captain Smack said...

I have not the expertise for such a thing, and besides, I wouldn't feel right profitting from it anyway. This would be a lobor of love, for the Good of Man.

I'm thinking more of an open-source, non-profit scenario, where brothers from all nations come together for the common good.

heh heh.

And like I said, my previous attempt ended badly. I'll tell you about it in my upcoming post "Interesting Things I've Done to My Penis".

Erica AP said...

I can't wait - I think...

Ms Smack said...

Why on earth are you single?

I find you highly amusing which is, for me, a complete ticket to damp panties in about, oh, I dont know... 5 seconds?

Do you have a hunched back?

Do you eat your pus when you squeeze your pimples?

Do you carry your cock like its your ticket to endless pussy?

If you can answer no, to these three questions, you're well on your way to making my nipples hard.

Ms Smack.

Captain Smack said...

My goodness, it looks like someone's developing a little crush on The Captain. And I couldn't be more pleased that it's Ms Smack herself.

You know, Ms Smack, I've read your posts "The Shower" and "Shower II"... and darling, I have to say this: you give great blog! Hell, MY nipples got hard. All three of them!

As for your suspicions: no, I don't have a hunchback (although I sometimes have a hunchfront), nor do I dine on pimple pus. And that other thing about carrying my cock around... I'm not sure what that means exactly, but I'm pretty sure I'm not guilty of that one either. So feel free to turn on your highbeams.

sistersan said...

i think she means cocky about your cock. and whats a hunchFRONT???

Captain Smack said...

You know, a hunch-front... like, in my pants. Get it?

(I hate having to explain my jokes)

Travis said...

If I pony up some extra cash can their be tactile response so you can have the feel of real boobies too?

Captain Smack said...

Now you're talking. I think that if we do this thing right, and the project is given the attention and resources that it deserves, then their should be a whole Boobie Department - a team of scientists dedicated just to boobies.

One approach - and I'm just brain-storming here - might be to assign different groups of scientists to different body parts/functions based on nationality. Therefore, it would probably make sense to put the Norwegians in charge of the boobies.

J~ said...

why not just plug us all into matrix like devices. its simple really, just get Microsoft to develop some sexual sims-esque (doesnt even need to be high quality) type of program. then you go in for a simple adjustment to the ol' visual cortex, get a brain outlet, buy yourself one of those weird barber chair seats and WHAMOLA you're bangning stars.
or we can just expand on this whole brainless clone thing.

Christella M said...

It's just my opinion, but maybe it's because female genitalia has reached it's peak? There's nothing better than a pussy and you have to accept it.
A penis on the other hand (ha, pun!) has a lot to live up to.

I'm sorry that it has come to this guys, but nothing beats real pussy, and nothing beats fake peen. You win some, you lose some.
Let's hear it for the girls! said...

Really effective material, thanks so much for the post.

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.