Wednesday, September 26, 2007

You Don't Know Diddly

Last week's post was really just a marketing research ploy. It was put together by my public image firm (all the top bloggers have image firms, you didn't know?) to find out what kind of person my readers think I really am.

Apparently, you seem to think I'm a kitten-hating, continuously-masturbating "backdoor-man" who does not exist in the physical universe.

Geez, people... it's like you don't know me at all. In fact, only one of the three bullshit facts received a single vote. And I gave you a clue and everything. Let's take a look at the results:

Third Place: (A three-way tie)

Fact 88: I took my mom to see Bo Diddly one night, and we ended up hanging out with him after the show (I can be quite schmoozy when it comes down to it). I proceeded to get very drunk and make a complete ass out of myself, at which point Bo told me “Boy, you don't know diddly!”. I responded by making a big show out of rolling my eyes.

This is true. Bo Diddly is actually that corny.

Fact 100: Hey, speaking of cute kittens, here's something else I probably shouldn't tell you: when I was a little boy, I once read a story about a little kitten that got lost out in the cold. Do you know that one? The poor little kitty was lost and cold and scared, and it didn't know what to do! Well, the mama cat bravely trounced through the wind and snow, and found the kitten and brought it home, yay!, where it was given a delicious bowl of warm milk to lap up. Then, at the very end of the story, the kitten was sleeping soundly, curled up in a fluffy knitted blanket in front of a fireplace, all warm and comfy and safe. This story really affected me for some reason, and sometimes, even to this day, when I am stressed out, or sad, or when life is just kicking my ass in general, I will imagine that I am that little kitten. I'll curl up in a warm blanket and pretend that I have just been rescued from the terrible cold, brought home and given a bowl of warm milk to lap up with my cute little kitten tongue... and now the bad times are over, all is well, and I'm laying in the soft, orange glow of a cozy fireplace, all warm and dry and protected... falling asleep and having cute little kitten dreams about fuzzy mice and balls of yarn. That's how badass I am.

Also true. What can I say? Sometimes I'm a little pussy.

Fact 101: I tried anal sex a few times, but never saw what the fuss was all about.

Some guys act like the butthole is the end-all of all holes (get it?), but I didn't think it was anything to jump up and down about. And just so we're clear, I was talking about pitching, not catching.

Second Place:

Fact 87: I can travel through space and time.

Let's think about the physical universe: It is comprised of Matter, Energy, Space and Time. One might argue that Matter is simply a more slowly vibrating form of Energy, and that Time is just an abstract concept used to describe another dimension of Space, but let's not go off the deep end. Either way, if you are a resident of the physical universe, then you can travel through space and time. In fact, it's kind of hard not to.

First Place: (drum roll, please...)

Fact 93: I once went over 2 weeks without jerking off.

I have to say, friends, I'm a little hurt. This one received twice as many votes as any of the others. I don't know where you weirdos got the idea that I'm some kind of sex-crazed, self-flogging pervert who can't resist lubing up every chance he gets, but there you go. I guess my image firm really has their work cut out for them. They'll probably want me to start adopting African babies.

I actually did go over two weeks without strangling the rooster. I was on a camping trip, and I never even thought about it once the whole time. As soon as I got home and was alone, it suddenly occurred to me “Holy crap! I haven't jerked off in two weeks!”. Can you guess what I did next?

A. Made a list of things I could do to be a better person.
B. Pretended to be a kitten and lap up a bowl of warm milk.
C. Jerked it.

It was a good one, too. With two weeks worth of backed-up rocket fuel, it's a wonder I didn't do a "Fact #54".


unique_stephen said...

something has happened to your blog -
is really bad for the eyes. Such a classic, simple design, There is just one remarkable thing about it - It's so ... black you can hardly make out its shape ... light just seems to fall into it. The blackness of it is so extreme that it is almost impossible to tell how close you are standing to it. Your eyes just slide off it.

is it frictionless too?

Oh, and on kittens, when will you get to talk to Jesus again, I've got some more questions for him?

Miss B said...

I once went 2 weeks without jerking off too... he was VERY mad at me. *grin*

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I forgot what I voted for.

Old Knudsen said...

Can you ever really get to know a person? I was married for 8 years once and only found out around year 7 she didn't like me having secret gurlfriends.

Captain Smack said...

Jesus had to run off to Mexico to appear in some drunk guy's burrito, he should be back soon.

Miss B:
I don't blame him. He just wanted you to give him a hand.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas:
Probably 93.

Old Knudsen:
Some women are very unpredictable. You just never know what crazy quirks they might have.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

do you really call it backed up rocket fuel and actually wonder, if even only briefly, why there is no woman present in your life?

Helen said...

So did anyone guess the lies, well, the deviations from the truth? (Sorry, I'm being extra careful, since I found out which level of Hell I'll be spending my time in, and per Revelations 21:8 I would not want to implicate you in any sins--must get back to flogging)

Captain Smack said...

NYCPonderings Chick:
I can't imagine how there could be any correlation between the two things.

Yes, one of the deviations got a single vote.

By the way, I like the part in Revelations where the sword comes out of Jesus' mouth.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Oh yeah, it was 22. I still don't believe you ate a lion.


I am lost ( as usual) were they the bs facts? You kept saying true????????????
P.S That bitch zoning is on some 100 top humour blogs and we ARE not WTF is going on in bloggyland?

* I actually like Zoning....but I am funnier.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

In a nifty coincidence your last post happened to be up the first time I visited your blog. I learned quite a lot in one post which doesn't normally happen.

I didn't vote officially, but was fairly certain that these were the falsies:
#22 - because I just can't picture how this would have occurred.
#71 - because it's too sad
#73 - because it sounds like something from an episode of Happy Days
#86 - because I was once a telemarketer and wouldn't have wasted that much time talking to someone who wasn't buying

Captain Smack said...

Blowing Shit Up With Gas:

That one was true. I was at the annual pig roast for the local college's anthropology department, and each year they would serve a "mystery" meat, and everyone would eat some and then try to guess what it was. That year it was lion.

No, dear, those were the most voted on facts (1st, 2nd and 3rd place). I said I would only reveal the 3 lies if any of them were in the top 3, and they weren't.

Yeah, Zoning is a member of, she keeps trying to get me to join, and I keep forgetting to.

Bloggy land is indeed strange these days...

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch:
No, no, no, and no.

#22 - because I just can't picture how this would have occurred.

See my response to Blowing Shit Up With Gas (above).

#71 - because it's too sad

I didn't mention that a cat came and nuzzled up with me, which was nice.

#73 - because it sounds like something from an episode of Happy Days

We were a gang with a sense of humor. We called ourselves The Thunderbirds because we liked to drink Thunderbird wine. I don't know if you're familiar with that particular brand, but it's pretty much what it sounds like.

#86 - because I was once a telemarketer and wouldn't have wasted that much time talking to someone who wasn't buying

What can I say? I can be very convincing sometimes.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I misunderstood this - I thought you would do the thing that got the most votes. Who really cares about the past?


OH yes, you should join. No one can hold a candle to you. Please tell me secretly the 3 lies( I do need to know these for obvious reasons).


hey, where is the fatty sparrow lately?

Captain Smack said...

Gorilla Bananas:
Well, geez, GB, I can't very well blog about 101 things I'm going to do. Especially since I don't plan more than 3 hours ahead for anything.

Ok, you got it. I don't know where the bird is, maybe she's hanging out with Zoning.

qofd said...

I can't believe I read "cute kitten", "lubing up", and "jerking off" in the same post.

GT said...

That's nothing. I went 12 years without jerking off. My first 12, obviously.

unique_stephen said...

I'm glad you got you HTML fixed up. That black was like looking into the void.

Captain Smack said...

Queen of Dysfunction:
Here at This Is Your Captain Speaking, we've got something for everyone!

That's a good point. I should have worked that angle into my post.

In your earlier comment, I didn't know what you were talking about, I thought you were making some joke about my blog being a black hole or something.

I don't know why, but firefox couldn't handle a few simple styled divs (the grey "fact" boxes). I checked them and they were perfect, but I had to change them to tables. FF's been acting quirky lately.

morbid misanthrope said...

Other than the rather mundane type of time traveling we're all involved in simply by existing in the universe, I've read some interesting research that suggests sitting in a bathtub full of bleach and Paul Newman's Italian Vinaigrette while wearing a Pleiadian cloak of invisibility and breathing from a garbage ball full of live snails, salt, and paint thinner produces some more supernatural time traveling results. I wouldn't bother doing it myself, though; I'm perfectly content being miserable in the present.

Captain Smack said...

I tried that once, but it would only take me to 4:35 PM, March 2nd, 1947. Nothing interesting seemed to be going on.

Later, my friend was channeling "Seth", a multidimensional being who gives advice to humans in exchange for orgone energy, and Seth said that I had simply exploited an anomaly in the Time-Space-Boredom matrix, and that March 2nd, 1947 was the the most boring day in history. Seth is full of shit most of the time, but I believed him on this one.

Anonymous said...

I thought they were all true myself they sound true.. Do you dye your pubes like all the kids do these days -errr.. its hip and rad!

Captain Smack said...

I used to dye them, but now I have cornrows. Cornrows are beyond hip and rad, they're actually tubular. Like, totally.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Here for a read- and wow...
Came over from Kitty's- she is right- you are funny-
no "lol- things" I did read the rules, so I will leave you with a smile~

Erica AP said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.... I can see your comments now... Thank god because I was going through withdrawals not being able to comment. And I knew that you like to curl up like a kitty. I can see through that Captain hat you wear. Which is weird because I'm pretty sure it's not see though material. Which makes me wonder if I should be on Heroes.

Prunella Jones said...

So you mean you are not a real master of time and space travel? Damn, I thought that one was true. I was hoping you'd be able to help me travel back to the day when I was six, and my sister punched me in the back of the head for stealing her bowl of Capt. Crunch. That hurt like a mother! See, now that I know Brazilian ju jitsu, I 'd put her ass in a reverse chicken wing choke till she begged for mercy, instead of just crying and running off to tell mom.

Madam Z said...

Cap'n, thanks oodles for inspiring me to do my own "101 things." I finally finished it this morning at 2 am. I even put some pictures in it!

kiki said...

not true
i actually DO know Diddly

Captain Smack said...

Well, thank you for following the rules. It's a good thing you did, because those who break the rules have to do 20 push-ups. Unless they were already planning to do 20 push-ups, in which case they are only allowed to do 10.

I think you should be on heroes. Or at least one hero.

God, Pru. I hate to say it, but you sounded like a total wuss when you were six. I don't blame you for stealing her Capt Crunch, though. That shit was gooood.

Madam Z:
I have to say, after reading your 101, I definitely know a whole lot more about you. You'll have to show me some of your tattoos sometime.

I wasn't talking about you, Kiki, I was talking about these other clowns. Hell, some of these people don't know Diddly, Squat, or even Jack, for that matter.

willis said...

Dammit! We really suck at this. Okay, so try it again and I bet we do better this time.

Miss Smack said...

Bugger. Fuct up.

About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.