Thursday, July 19, 2007


A Captain Smack Special Announcement:

Not sure what to do?
Ask Jesus directly.
He'll set you straight.
Send your questions to

No question is too stupid for Jesus.


Miss Smack said...

This is by far the best, most hilarious, AND TALENTED edition to your site YET !


Ps. I'm going to pimp you on my blog again

Miss B said...

lmfao... only you captain, only you.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Ding! Ding! Ding! All aboard! The train to hell leave in five minutes!

Helen said...

I'm speechless...


Erica AP said...

So can I ask him a question or not?

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Okay, I can't get the email link to work fucker! I think I'm going to turn athiest on you now. Tell Elvis I'm torching his albums.


Dear Jesus,
Would you hack some bitch's site that really ,really pissed you off for no good reason?
And if I did- what's my punishment???
Madam X

Zoning Out Again said...


mist1 said...

If I don't like JC's answer, where can I email Allah or Buddha?

Steph said...

You have supassed yourself yet again.
I'll see you in hell my friend, I'll keep your seat warm for ya.

Captain Smack said...

Miss Smack:
Thank you! When I think of you pimping me, I hear that song by Crystal Method, "Smack my bitch up".

Miss B:
I gotta be me.

Queen of Dysfunction:
I hear the train to Hell serves free margaritas the whole trip. Yay!

That's ok, speech is overrated anyway. Maybe you could do a quick interpretive dance instead.

Woops, my bad. I fixed the email link. Sorry about that, Jesus is ready to help.

Oh, Shelly, don't go atheist over a broken link! And, whatever you do, don't, don't, DON'T burn any Elvis records. Jesus is a forgiving type, but that would really be pushing it.

Madam X:
Questions for Jesus should go directly to His email, as He doesn't follow the comments section. I did, however, run your problem by Him, and He said that it's best not to dwell on feelings of being wronged by others, unless there is something positive that you can do about it. He then went on a bit about how he had forgiven the Romans, even though they really nailed His ass pretty good that time, and that it would have been very easy for Him to fixate on the incident, and draw energy from it. But He realized that the kind of energy He would draw from it would be seductive, and would appeal to His dark side (yes, Jesus has a dark side), and would, in the end, leave Him with very little to look forward to. He said that no matter how entertaining or exciting these dramas were, they were dangerous because they cause you to allow others to define who you are. He said - and I'm just telling you what He said - that you should just let it go and move on. He said that your punishment for focusing on the problem would be that you were focusing on the problem, instead of just living your life and being who you wanted to be.

But He's such a hippie, that's the kind of thing I would expect Him to say.

Just then Elvis walks out in his underwear. He was sleeping in his room, and was on his way to take a piss when he heard me and Jesus talking. He jumped in and said that you shouldn't let other people push you around, and that if someone attacks you, then you should "nail their ass, but good". That's how he put it. He then said that the best way to handle a detractor was to "out-create" them, to do your thing better than they did their thing. He said that if that didn't work, a quick slap to the head might do the trick, just be careful and make sure that "they ain't into that kung-fu shit". He then went into a long story about how he was doing this concert in Japan one time, and this little Japanese guy started giving him trouble, and it led to a fight, and the story went on and on, I can't remember all the details, I think he ended up getting his ass kicked by a 10 year old kid, I'm not sure, but it ended with him saying that you should learn kung-fu if you ever visit Japan. Then he started frying eggs and arguing with Jesus about why he wasn't allowed to cook liver in the house. Jesus said that fried liver stunk up the house, and it seemed to be an ongoing debate, one that would never end, so I just left. I hate getting caught up in other people's conflicts.

What's wrong, LBT? Afraid of a little experimentation?

Don't worry, babe, The Captain's all man, your fantasies can stay intact.

Allah hasn't been around lately, he seems to have pressing business elsewhere these days, so I couldn't tell you how to contact him. Buddha lives just down the street from JC, and comes by every once and awhile, he likes to watch Elvis brush his teeth for some reason. It seems weird to me, but he and Elvis seem to have this rapport, so whatever.

Unfortunately, Buddha doesn't have internet access. He's very old skool in some ways, and refuses to join the 21st century. It's not that he's stubborn, he just doesn't see the point. Besides, any question you ask Buddha is always answered with another question, so why bother?

Oh, baby, I've always wanted you to warm my seat.

morbid misanthrope said...

Man, if I weren't perfect in every conceivable way, I'd have a question for Jesus. I know a few people in jail who might have some questions, though. I'll pass the e-mail address to them next time I send them their usual box full of fortune cookies full of homemade meth.

Erica AP said...

I totally emailed Jebus a question... I don't know if I really was supposed to or not but I took my chances and came out a winner!!!!!!!!!

Travis said...

I was hopeful upon hearing the music, that Ric Flair would he here to help me through all of lifes woes.

I am sad now

Shelly Rayedeane said...

*Note to self: Never again attempt to torch any Elvis records*

I woke up the other day with a stiff neck and one of my legs started shaking uncontrollably.

I think I've been cursed.

anandamide said...

i've figured out a way to do this whole WWJD (or WTFWJD) thing that doesn't involve jesus. just ask yourself "what's the least fun and most difficult thing to do in this situation". generally the two approaches come up with the same answer.

Captain Smack said...

That's cool, Jesus loves prisoners. Well, he loves everyone, actually, that's his job. But he seems particularly fond of people in jail, hangs out with them all the time. Show Jesus a guy on Death Row, and it's like they're best friends all of a sudden.

Of course you came out a winner. You can't lose with The #1 Son in your corner.

Flair, Schmair. He doesn't care. Jesus has cooler hair. So there.

Just try not to shoot your TV set. That's when you know you're in trouble.

I'm puzzled as to why you would want to remove Jesus from the equation in the first place. He's no party-pooper, and he hates the "sad clown" persona that's been projected onto him by the whities. The guy has been around a while, and he knows a thing or two about having fun. He hangs with Elvis, you know.


LOL@number 1 son. ...that's what we used to call my brother.

Prunella Jones said...

Well I asked my question. Now when and how will it be answered? Return email? A posting? Or will Jesus just send it to me in a dream?

Helen said...

Dear Jesus,
Would you hack some bitch's site that really ,really pissed you off for no good reason?
And if I did- what's my punishment???
Madam X

If, and I'm ASSuming here, Madame X hacked my computer (as I claimed...not my site), she would now be raking in the cash since I would be horrified and paying top dollar to retrieve the naked pics of me that are on said computer. They are still there. I think Elvis is just putting his 2 cents in to get invited to the red and blonde hair-pulling, breast-on-breast mashing, slip-sliding, green jello fight between la femme Johnette Bull and la hembra Billi Yank. Just a thought.


Is that a veiled accusation,an invitation for sex or a money making venture?And I had better not be Johnette Bull.
Rest ASSured- I can't get into my own bloody computer half the time and I have all the passwords( except when Ilock myself out).

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Okay, if you guys don't stop fighting, I'm going to hack into both of your computers and sale all of your nude piccies to my lesbian friends.

By the way, how much money do you think I could extort from you two by partaking in this adventure?

Captain Smack said...

All I heard was something about "nude photos". Did somebody have nude photos?

Captain Smack said...


I'll be posting Jesus' responses here as regular posts. I hope it was nothing too pressing.


LMAO Shell...I will pay YOU!


I could send you nude photos with my brand new, still- in -the box digital camera for a cameo in the next Elvis- Jesus saga!
Well,as long as my pics were not part of the post of course!

Prunella Jones said...

Well Captain, I had asked Jesus if he thought it would be a good idea for me to post nude pictures of myself rolling in jello and tongue wrestling with three female dwarves, but thanks to your last few commenters I think I have my answer. Of course it's a good idea!

Helen said...

That was your tongue? And for the record 5'5" isn't typically considered dwarfish, you amazon.

Miss Smack said...

Why did I think that song was by Prodigy? Did C/Method do the original?

Captain Smack said...

Oh yeah, I guess it was Prodigy...

SamD said...

Oh happy day!!

This is gonna be--no wait, already is--so very interesting and entertaining.

You're not only blogrolled but high on the list.

I just love talent.


Oh looky! Another sycophant/groupie! Just when we had hit a dry spell. :)
DO we like this one Cap't or do I have to do the Linda Blair head spinning thing?


BTW I thought I would save you the hassle.She talks about food ( pics and all) AND you are THIRD on her blogroll AFTER an unknown and Bitter Balls. I am not even ON the Goddamn blogroll!
I think we shall have to give this one a miss.
*In my professional opinion.
Just kidding Sam!
* Christ another enemy!How come you don't alienate ppl with your humour?
Oh yeah.............penis power.


Okay, if you don't bump up my readership, I am going to start answering YOUR comments!

Miss Smack said...

Oh hey, Tweekend is a fantastic C/Meth album.

Cunning Linguist said...

wait.... Jesus doesn't use that damn magic 8-ball ( the toy, not the drug ) to answer my questions does he? If so, he may want to investigate using the drug. The responses may be a lot more funner. Just curious is all.

J said...

Bababoosh! kickin ass and takin names, finally jesus got the fuck off his ass and set up an email account.

Captain Smack said...

Well, thank you Sam; I see I'm listed right my favorite blogger, woohoo! And don't worry about Ubermouth, she's just... well, she's just Ubermouth. Actually, maybe you should worry about her...

Dear, try not to freak out the guest.

Miss Smack:
Yes, I've had some very strange experiences while listening to that album.

Cunning Linguist:
Speaking of drugs... Jesus has been to Heaven and Hell, he doesn't need drugs. I've always envied him that way.

The other prophets are jealous already.

SamD said...

Not to worry; I don't freak out easily. (And have also envied Jesus' drug-free peace.)

N.B. It's been my experience that readers are far more easily obtained when one's blog isn't by invitation only.

Zoning Out Again said...

Can you come over and explain to me what the hell Man Nipples are for? Thanks....

Captain Smack said...

Cool. By the way, I meant to say "right under my favorite blogger".

Did you say "nipples"? I'm on my way!

Captain Smack said...

Oh. Guy nipples. What a let down.

jewgirl said...

oh, that is one serious vulva lip twitchin', hilar squared video, captain smack.

Captain Smack said...

The term "Vulva lip twitchin" definitely gets the Captain Smack Stamp of Approval (and that's official!)

成人影城 said...


About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.