Friday, April 13, 2007

Interesting Things I've Done to My Penis: Part One

This is Part One of what will be an ongoing series. I'm still in the process of gathering from memory the various penis-related incidents, and I'm now up to seven - no, wait, make that eight. I just remembered another one. In any case, I'm saving the best for last.

Part One: Jerked Off with Toothpaste

I was 15. Like most 15 year old boys, I was always on the lookout for new and creative ways to get off. I was a scientist, and my penis was the guinea pig (only less hairy). I'd already figured out how to have sex with various pieces of furniture around the house, and was now ready for something new, something different, something fresh. One day I was brushing my teeth, and I realized that the answer might be right in my own mouth.

“Hmmm...” I thought. “Close-Up toothpaste...” I was intrigued. It had an interesting consistency, all thick and gooey. It just might work. It also had a certain cool/hot quality, which might heighten the sensation a little. Plus, it was bright, translucent red, which seemed to say “you should totally jerk off with me”.

And so it came to pass. I smuggled the tube of toothpaste back to my room. This is just after dinner, so it's around 7 PM, and my parents are in the living room watching TV. I locked the door, got my pants off, squeezed out a nice big handful of red goo and got right to it.

The first thing I noticed was that it was indeed very thick. I had to use a little more effort than usual. There was a certain resistance to it - not completely unpleasant, but I really had to dig in there and put a little muscle behind it. No problem.

Next, I noticed a cool “tingling” sensation, just as I'd hoped for. Now, that was nice. My dick felt minty and fresh, just like in the commercials.

The tingling then became more of a “cold” tingling. A little more intense, but still fairly pleasant. But as it got colder and colder, I started getting slightly annoyed by it. It was distracting, and I was starting to have some serious doubts about the outcome of this experiment. Different is good, but not if it overshadows the end goal.

Then it got REALLY cold. Painfully cold. I felt like I was fucking a block of ice, or Laura Bush or something. It was definitely uncomfortable. “Ok, that's it” I decided. “Experiment over.” I yanked my pants back on and unlocked my door. I was actually in pain now, my face felt flushed, and I prayed that my parents wouldn't start talking to me as I bolted for the bathroom. It was getting more intense by the second, so as soon as I got into the bathroom, I quickly yanked down my Levi's, stuck my poor pecker in the sink and splashed cold water on it.

How I managed to not scream at that moment, I don't know.

When the water made contact, my penis immediately went from being frozen to being on fire. I Suddenly went from fucking a glacier to getting blown by a blow torch. I would never have imagined that something as benign and friendly as toothpaste could cause such agony. Absolutely excruciating.

Tears fell. Gods were cursed. A bunch of birds flew out of a tree.

Between the bolts of white hot lightning that went off in my brain, I saw images of my penis as a raw, swollen, pulsating red ball. I seriously wondered if the poor thing would ever be ok again. It was too young to be taken out of the game. I had a bright future of fucking ahead of me, and I was still a virgin!

I somehow worked through the pain and managed to wash off all of the Close-Up toothpaste. I limped back to my bedroom and watched over my member carefully for the next couple of hours. To my relief, it gradually went back to normal. Too sensitive for action, but I knew it was going to be ok. There was still a future.

And me and my penis lived happily ever after.

The end.

Sadly, this is not the scariest masturbation experience I've ever had (the most painful, yes, but not the scariest). That one's coming up in a future post, which involves (not kidding) a pocket full of change and a truck stop in Georgia.


Anonymous said...

Oh, I've heard EVERYTHING!
Fark knuckles.

And I thought all that blokey thing with experimenting with food/fluid/furniture was all just for "American Pie".

I can't wait to hear the next installment. =D

Ms Smack said...

HAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAA disgusting but hilarious


You could try dribbling a sucked on cough candy down your hole.
Just saying LOL ( and yes, I am exempt from the lolling rule)

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Did you stick the unused tube of toothpaste back in the medicine cabinet after you were done with it? I'll never look at Aqua Fresh in the same manner ever again.

Captain Smack said...

Utegirl: Oh hell, that's nothing - wait until I tell you about the cantaloupe.

Ms Smack, thanks for sending your peeps over, very cool of you. You definitely get The Captain Smack Stamp Of Approval. Now, where do you want that?

UBE: That's right, babe - you're my official "LOL Girl" from now on. But no thanks on the cough drops.

Shelly: I hope that from now on, whenever you brush your teeth, you'll think of my penis.

sally in norfolk said...

Brushing my teeth will never be the same :-)

Erica AP said...

Haha... I just laughed out loud the whole time... but I hate writing LOL - good thing for you because I see you hate it too. We could start a anti-LOL gang but just don't use my toothpaste when we have sleepovers, ok?

Captain Smack said...

We get to have sleepovers? Yahoo!

helen said...

i don't even know what to say to my boss about why i need a new keyboard.

Anonymous said...

Are you mad? A Penis is not a tooth - you should have used Penis Cream!!

Captain Smack said...

My apologies, Helen. If there's a problem, have your boss contact me.

mutleythedog: Penis cream??? That's sick!

Creepy said...

And I thought using Nair on my balls was rough. Well, it was rough, ruthlessly rough, but I don't know if it was toothpaste on your cock rough.

Captain Smack said...

You didn't read the label? It says right on the bottle:


I don't blame you for giving it a shot, though. Balls are not the easiest things to shave.

Creepy said...

It's a toss up: take to your balls with a sharpened blade or a caustic hair remover. From my experience, go with the former.

Miss B said...

*gasp* *snort* OMFG... Captain I damn near pissed myself...


ariel said...


-eve- said...

Wow. Who'd have thought it? I'd have tried it myself, so it's a good thing you warned me ...:-) (but maybe it's work with less-minty toothpaste)

Have the T-Shirt said...

I just found your blog and have found it more than a little amusing. I'm trying very hard not to type anything offensive here, such as LOL, even though I am.

Side note for painless/hairless balls.....magic powder....I have it on good authority it is indeed painless and my tongue can attest to the hairlessness.

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lokesh said...

I also did this and my penis got frozen like an iceberg and it itches like hell after pouring some water on it.

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jwbrowser said...

i tried it like a complete ass it felt go when started but forgetting what you said it hurted like hell

jwbrowser said...

i meant good not go

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Anonymous said...

I did this.

I tested it on my nipples first (im a guy lol), felt ok.
Put some on my dick, felt great.
Put more on my dick and inside the forskin (not in the hole), felt awesome.
Put heaps on my balls and up my ass, horrible mistake! Got freezing and even after a hot shower and plenty of soap it hey we're still cold.

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Mr Pozozo said...

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Heck, just recently I asked a focus group of women via an anonymous online survey if size matters, and again and again they said "Oh my god, I HATE IT when it's SMALL."

For a long time I didn't know what to tell the guys who'd write in to me and ask how to get "bigger."

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Then I found "THE BIBLE of Penis Enlargement" by this guy named John Collins . . .

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I was 100% skeptical until I saw these vids, so even if you think it's "impossible" to get bigger (and there's no pills or suction devices or any of that crap) go check out the overwhelming proof on John's site.

===> Women Lie : Size DOES Matter <=====



P.S. There's absolutely nothing in the world that will make you smile as wide as pulling down your pants and seeing a look of AWE and ANTICIPATION on a woman's face. The first time you hear her say "It might be too big" in a soft, excited voice, you're going to feel a thrill through your spine like you just snorted 3 lines of cocaine.

If you aren't at least 7 inches you owe it to yourself (and to the women in your life) to check this out.

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About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.