Monday, June 18, 2007

Jesus and Elvis: We Two Kings

Elvis: Man, I hate this grocery store. The deli here sucks. They ain't got no hot sandwiches. They ain't got no decent pastrami.

Jesus: It's fine, Elvis. I'm just picking up a few things for the weekend.

Elvis: What, you passing by the cookie aisle? You don't want no cookies?

Jesus: You want some cookies, get some cookies.

Elvis: How come we're shopping at this place anyway? The Walmart's closer to the house...

Jesus: I don't like Walmart. I like to keep it in the community. Plus, the lines are too long there.

Elvis: Keep it in the community? Man, I tell ya, you and your... Hey, JC. See that chick? She's looking at us funny. See her?

Jesus: Yeah, I noticed. She probably recognizes us.

Elvis: Now that's a cutey-pie. How much you wanna bet she wants an autograph? Chicks are always wanting autographs. Yep, here she comes...

Chick: My God, The King! Oh my Lord! I can't believe it! It's really you! Can I get your autograph?!!

Jesus & Elvis: (at the same time) Sure, no problem...

Elvis: Uh...

Jesus: Um...

Elvis: I think she was talking to me, JC...

Jesus: Well, I don't know...

(They both look at her)

Chick: Oh, uh, well... actually, I was talking to...

Jesus & Elvis: Yes?

Chick: I mean, um... can I get an autograph from both of you? (clears throat).

Jesus: Of course you can, dear. Elvis, you have a pen on you?

Elvis: Uh, yeah man. Of course I do. You know I always carry one around, right?

Jesus: I know.

Elvis: You know, 'cause I sign a lot of autographs...

Jesus: Right, Elvis. And who should I make this out to, dear?

Chick: Um, could you just make it out to Kathy with a K?

Jesus: OoooKaaay... Kathy with a K... here ya go.

Elvis: Lemme see that pen... Kathy with a K... Alright, sweetheart, and here's mine. (winks)

(she thanks them and walks away)

Jesus: Well, that was kind of awkward...

Elvis: Yeah. Sorry 'bout that, I didn't mean to embarrass you there, buddy.

Jesus: What are you talking about? Why would I be embarrassed?

Elvis: Well, you know. She was obviously asking me for the autograph.

Jesus: Why would you assume that?

Elvis: Well, she did say “The King”. I mean, you know... that's what they call me. The King.

Jesus: You seem to forget, Elvis--

Elvis: I know, I know... you're the “King of Kings” or “King of the Jews” or whatever... but I'm, you know, “The King”.

Jesus: The King of rock n' roll, sure. I'll grant you that. But I believe she said “My God, The King”. You didn't notice the “My God” part? She also said "My Lord". That would indicate--

Elvis: Huh? You're kidding, right? Dude, that was just, you know, an expression...

Jesus: Look, just because you're usually the one everyone wants an autograph from, that doesn't mean I don't get asked for autographs, too. It does happen occasionally, you know...

Elvis: Oh. Um, Sure, man. I was just--

Jesus: I mean, yeah, usually they just want to be blessed, or forgiven, but sometimes they do want an autograph.

Elvis: No, you're right, JC. My bad. Your right. I'm sorry. She probably was talking to you.

Jesus: ...

Elvis: So, uh... anyway, what did you write? For the autograph?

Jesus: I wrote, “Bless you, Kathy”. Then I signed my name.

Elvis: Really? Bless you? That's it?

Jesus: Why? What did you write?

Elvis: Me, I drew her a little picture of my hair, you know, like a wavy line? (draws it in the air) And then I wrote, “To Kathy - You're a real sweetheart! Love, Your Teddy Bear, Elvis Presley.”

(Jesus laughs)

Elvis: What's so funny?

Jesus: I don't know, that's just funny... your teddy bear...

Elvis: Hey, I like to give my fans a little extra. Chicks dig that shit, man.

Jesus: If you say so.

Elvis: Whatever...

(they shop in silence for a while)

Elvis: Man, I'm gonna go back and grab some cookies...

Jesus: Ok, Teddy Bear.

Elvis: Oh, well you want me to grab some cookies for you, King O' Kings?

Jesus: No, I'm fine, King of the Teddy Bears.

Elvis: 'Cause I can grab a King-sized box, you know. It ain't no trouble.

Jesus: Oh, that's ok, I'm trying to cut down on sugars. Say, I was thinking of cooking up some King crabs tonight. You like those, Mr King?

Elvis: Oh, I don't know, I was planning on just eating at Burger King. But why don't you go ahead and grab a sixer of King Cobra. That's probably your favorite beer, right? I mean, you know, since you're the King and all...

Jesus: I don't think they even make that stuff anymore. Besides, it's not beer, it's malt liquor.

Elvis: Whatever.

Jesus: Whatever.

Elvis: Pfff. Whatever. I'm getting some cookies.

Jesus: Ok. Whatever.


Miss B said...

heh. :)

Manuel said...


Helen said...

I think this is where I can leave IALLOL and I(not)JULTPYO.

jali said...


You mean Elvis isn't god?

Shit - I think I'm in trouble.

jungle jane said...

Jesus Smack, you really know how to kill the dream. I don't want to think of Elvis eating cookies. Less cookies and more booze, fags and cheap sluts please.

And as for Jesus - surely he shouldn't be out grocery shopping when he can do that kick-arse trick of feeding the masses with a couple of loaves of bread and some fish?

Erica Ann Putis said...

Do you think JC would sign my boobs? Or is that sacreligious?

Freya Speaks said...

Next time I wanna see fisticuffs! Who do you think would win?Elvis is a black belt after all!
Ilove these posts!
Marilyn Monroe

Captain Smack said...

Miss B:
Well, hi there.

I know exactly what you're saying.

Thank you for not pmo.

He's more of a Deity, like Obi Wan Kenobie.

Hey, don't shoot the messenger! I'm just reporting what I saw. As for Elvis, the booze/fags/sluts are mainly a weekend thing. And I'm sure Jesus has his reasons. That instyfood probably taste like crap.

I asked Him and He said that I could sign your boobs for Him.

Captain Smack said...

Elvis probably thinks he would win, too. I have a feeling The Prince of Peace can whip some ass when He wants too.

morbid misanthrope said...

I happen to know that Jesus loves King Cobra malt liquor. Hell, I even drank it with Him one time. I also happen to know he prefers malt liquor to normal beer, and has mentioned at least twice to me that He is bothered by Budweiser’s "The King of Beers" slogan. Jesus hates false advertising; and He loves high-gravity microbrews.

Erica Ann Putis said...

Just because you wear robes and look like Jesus doesn't give you the right to forge someones signature... Pretty soon you'll be writing out his checks to pay for your hookers...

Freya Speaks said...

What is Erica saying,this cheque's no good?

The Little Cheese said...

My God, you rock...

Gorilla Bananas said...

That does it. I want to see one of these scripts acted out. Start auditioning and put it on YouTube. Not sure Jesus would like crab, though.

Anonymous said...

I met them in Aldi the other day - are they like - gay? Just wondering, not for myself you understand...

mist1 said...

I hate to correct you, but I feel compelled to set the record straight. There was another king present. Michael Jackson (the King of Pop) was there and it wasn't a chick asking for an autograph. It was a rather effeminate little boy. He gave the little boy an autograph that read, "You are invited to a sleepover at Neverland Ranch, please tell your parent's that I will be willing to settle out of court. Fondle-y, MJ"

Ms Smack said...

hehe, i've been waiting for another post and this is certainly worth the wait !

You really capture their personalities - made me chuckle.

Smack x

Captain Smack said...

You and Jesus sure do talk about beer a lot. I seem to remember something about Him showing up at your house with one of those beer dispensing hats on.

Ok, you got me, I was just making that up. I just wanted to write on your boobs, thought it would be inspiring. Oh, and I pay for my hookers in crack, by the way.

Freya Speaks:
No, don't worry, you'll get your $5, I promise.

Little Cheese:
Who are you talking to? Me, Jesus or Elvis? You're just trying to confuse me, aren't you?

Gorilla Bananas:
Ok, I'll get Mad Dog and Hungry Joe, the two ex-cons down the street, to play the parts. I guess I'll have to use makeup to cover Mad Dog's teardrop tattoos.

Elvis is all man. Jesus isn't gay, he's just... open minded.

Or how about one with Rodney King? Someone asks for an autograph and then five cops jump out and beat the crap out him. (For more useful info about Rodney King, see the comments in the last post. I can't seem to stop bringing him up...)

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack:
I like to think my portrayal of Jesus is pretty dead-on, as far as accuracy goes. And Elvis, well, he's easy. There's a little Elvis in everyone.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I do miss the big JC. Bring back Jesus!

Steph said...

They're really gay aren't they? When they gonna come out of the closet? We all know only Gay men shop together.

P.S do you think Jebus ia a bottom or a top?

Captain Smack said...

Betty Boob Hug:
The Second coming is here.

I don't think grocery shopping qualifies as a gay activity. Shopping together for shoes or curtains, maybe. Elvis does like dress up in fancy, sparkly clothes, though...

Eddie Waring said...

I saw this bloke at Vons today who was a dead ringer for Herve Villechaize except that he was about 6 feet tall and not a midget. The spooky thing was he had a 40oz King Cobra in his basket and a couple of Slim Jims.

Old Knudsen said...

So Elvis and Jesus are ghey lovers? now thats a sex tape I wouldn't mind watching, er I'm not ghey just curious, no not like that, for fucks sake I was young it happened so quickly end of story.

Fatman said...

Well, Jesus did spend a LOT of time with his disciples. These hairy, buff guys who'd be sweaty from working out all day*. He had all these 'unclean women'(read: hos) wanting him to spend time with them in their establishments but he was always like, ''d love to. But me and Peter and even Thomas were just thinking at home, you know? Just watching some French films and that.'

* Working out what the f-ck JC was on about.

Miss B said...

I'm reasonably sure we're all gonna get struck by lightning and go up in a puff of fried peanut butter and banana smoke...

Fat Sparrow said...

"Jesus: You want some cookies, get some cookies."

Jesus, appropriately, sounds so very Jewish.

Captain Smack said...

Look. Jesus and Elvis are NOT GAY*. Ok? What the hell's wrong with you people? What, two men can't shop for groceries? Please, people. I swear, you're like little kids sometimes.

*not that there's anything wrong with that...

That is spooky. Did he have a tattoo? I think if I looked like a giant version of Tattoo, I'd be downing as much King Cobra as possible.

We know you're not gay, Knudsen. Whether you're hetero or not is unclear, though I suspect a new category might need to be created just for you.

Ok, I'll admit, there are certain... peculiarties... with Jesus. Personally, I think he's straight, he was just brought up in a different culture. But Elvis, he's all man. I refuse to believe that Elvis has a gay bone in his body. (get it? a gay bone in his body?)

Miss B:
I guess that's what happens when Elvis strikes you down. You get turned into a some type of sandwich.

Fat Sparrow:
Good eye, Sparrow. I guess I could have had some fun going over the contents of his shopping cart.

Crushed said...

My local takeaway is actually called King Kebab.

I kid ye not.

Maybe you should send the bickering twosome over?

Anonymous said...

There is nothing gay about shopping with your buddies. Specially grocery shopping fools! Who doesn't like to eat?

Gold, captain. Solid Gold.

Old Knudsen said...

Yeah and nothing ghey about the 300 either, now that was a man's film, is everyone in denial or what? I'm off to watch the wrestling.

Never trust a king of Rock'n'Roll who uses lube instead of gel.

Captain Smack said...

Sounds perfect. Do they carry Twinkies, Slim Jims and King Cobra?

That's right Kyle. I was out shopping with one of my buddies recently, we were just picking up some baby-oil, cucumbers, icy-hot, duct tape, a copy of Men's Health magazine and an econo-sized jar of vasoline, and it couldn't have been more hetero.

I didn't see 300, but it sounds dirty and greasy.

Zoning Out Again said...

Yeah, the whole gay concept is freaking me out! STOP IT YOU BUNCH OF SICKOS!

Captain Snack, the fact that you look a lot like Jesus (has anyone ever told you that BTW?) has me all screwed up because I'm now envisioning you as *Gay* by association! DAMN IT! It's always the cute/cool/or wealthy guys!

Fat Sparrow said...

"I was out shopping with one of my buddies recently, we were just picking up some baby-oil, cucumbers, icy-hot, duct tape, a copy of Men's Health magazine and an econo-sized jar of vasoline, and it couldn't have been more hetero."

Hey, I saw you guys in the 24-Hour Wal-Mart! It's pretty good how they have the produce section now, isn't it? I mean, where else can you get cucumbers at 3 in the morning in the middle of nowhere? God bless the Supercenters.

jungle jane said...

If Jesus and Elvis were gay lovers, I am certain Elvis would be the 'bottom'...i really can't see the son of god taking it up his own ass...

Anonymous said...

Do you think Knudsen and Eddie are like gay? I mean like gay - together, like Jesus and Elvis?

Captain Smack said...

Captain Snack? Was that a Freudian typo?

I often find myself in need of a cucumber at 3 in the morning.

Just because Jesus wouldn't sleep with you, you go around spreading these rumors. Just awful.

Sounds like wishful thinking to me.

Crushed said...

Unfortunately not, Captain.

It's a take away.

Kenabs, burgers, pizzas, chips, canned drinks.
They do onion rings though...

Captain Smack said...

Oh, I see. I wasn't familiar with the term. So a take away is like a fast food restaurant then. Gotcha.

The Little Cheese said...

Hey baby

I was, er... talking about all three of you, thank yer very much

God bless

Helen said...

I swear I just clicked on your site and there was a new post, something about a thirteen-backed beast...I clicked away for a split second, and...Jesus and Elvis...Am I crazy????????????????????!!!!!!!!

Helen said...

So you seriously did not have another post up? I don't believe it.

Helen said...

What the FUCK... were you just there???? you told me you thought I had my moments, but weren't certain I was crazy or something like that...Were you there?????

Captain Smack said...

Little Cheese:
Why does that answer sound so familiar?

I don't know you well enough to determine whether or not you are crazy, though I suspect you have your moments.

But, yes, I did have another post up.

Captain Smack said...

Helen, you're cracking up.

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About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.