Thursday, May 10, 2007

Jesus and Elvis: Midgets and Quicksand

Elvis: Man, I just had a weird experience.

Jesus: What happened?

Elvis: I just went up to the convenience store, right?

Jesus: Yeah?

Elvis: So I'm in there getting some slim-jims and some twinkies, right?

Jesus: Of course.

Elvis: And all of a sudden, there's all these midgets everywhere.

Jesus: Midgets?

Elvis: Yeah, man, like 5 or 6 of them.

Jesus: Really? Did they come in after you did, or where they already inside before you walked in?

Elvis: I think they were already in the store before I walked in.

Jesus: You probably just didn't see them because--

Elvis: Yeah, 'cause they were on the other side of the aisle or something. They're hard to see.

Jesus: Hm. Was it, like... a family of midgets?

Elvis: No, that's the thing... they looked like they were all just young guys hanging out. Couple of em' had tattoos. They looked kinda' tough. I mean, they looked kinda' cool, y'know, like regular guys.

Jesus: Tattoos? Really? ...well, I guess it's not really that weird...

Elvis: Nah, it was strange, man. Believe me. One midget, ok. But five at a time? It felt weird. It felt... I dunno... I felt like I was the one who was different, or something.

Jesus: Well, you were the one who was different.

Elvis: Oh yeah... huh. I guess I was. I guess that's why it was so strange. Hm.

Jesus: But, yeah, you don't usually see that.

Elvis: Yeah, usually you see them one at a time. Why is that?

Jesus: They don't like the term “midget”, by the way.

Elvis: Huh?

Jesus: They prefer to be called “little people”.

Elvis: You're shittin' me.

Jesus: I shit you not, my friend. That's what they prefer to be called.

Elvis: Little people?

Jesus: That's what I've heard.

Elvis: Man, I think I'd rather be called a midget, myself...

Jesus: Yeah, but you're not a midget.

Elvis: I'm just saying, if I was a midget. What's wrong with “Midget”?

Jesus: They find it offensive.

Elvis: Man, I don't get that. “Midget” is offensive, but “little people” ain't?

Jesus: I'm just telling you what I heard.

Elvis: Everybody keeps changing all the damn words around. Shit, man – I don't know what to call anybody any more. Can't say “blind” no more, can't say “handicapped”. What's it we're s'posed to call handicapped people now?

Jesus: Umm... not sure. It used to be “handycapable”, but I believe they changed it again...

Elvis: There outta' be a website or something, so you can check every week, see what all the new terms are.

Jesus: “Differently abled”, I think. Yeah, that's it: Differently Abled.

Elvis: Differently abled? You sure? I thought the word “challenged” was in there somewhere, like “something something challenged”...

Jesus: Oh, yeah. You may be right. Or maybe that was one of the old ones...

Elvis: See what I'm saying? We need a website.

Jesus: You know, that's actually not a bad idea. Maybe let people vote on the new words.

Elvis: Yeah! And like, you could have a check-box ballet. It'd be like:

“What are we going to call Midgets?”

  1. Little People

  2. Double-plus Unlarge People

  3. P.O.U.S.S.'s (People Of Unusually Small Size)

  4. Squidgets
Jesus: Squidgets?

Elvis: And then everyone could just vote on it. Like American Idol.

Jesus: I don't know if it's such a good idea after all...

Elvis: I think it's got legs, man.

Jesus: I dunno... Hey, that reminds me, I was thinking about this the other day - have you noticed that midget humor is coming back?

Elvis: Midget Humor?

Jesus: Yeah, like you see it on TV a lot lately. Scenes with midgets, but the humor is based solely on the fact that they're midgets.

Elvis: They used to do that a lot in the 70's. Hey, you know what else you never see on TV anymore?

Jesus: What's that?

Elvis: Quicksand. Remember back in the 70's--

Jesus: Oh yeah...

Elvis: It would always be some guy sinking in quicksand, and he's like “Hey, throw me a rope!”, and the other guy's just standing there, saying something like “only if you tell me where the treasure is buried”. Or, like, every one is looking for a vine or a stick, but can't find anything to help him with...

Jesus: I think they did that on Gilligan's Island a lot.

Elvis: Yeah, I remember seeing that quicksand bit all the time, not just on Gilligan's Island. A lot of movies would have that kind of scene. And then all of a sudden it just disappeared. It's like quicksand doesn't even exist anymore.

Jesus: That's true.

Elvis: You know what would be good? A midget in quicksand.

Jesus: What, in a movie?

Elvis: Yeah, have a midget sinking in quicksand. Like a homage, or a tip-of-the-hat if you will, to films of the 70's. Maybe Tarantino could work it into one of his movies.

Jesus: You wouldn't have very long to save a midget in quicksand.

Elvis: Exactly. You'd only have about a third as much time, cause they're so short.

Jesus: You know, from a filmmakers point of view, that might be a problem.

Elvis: What do you mean?

Jesus: The whole idea of using quicksand, as a cinematic device, is to create suspense. Right? So if you had a midget in quicksand, he would sink so fast that there wouldn't really be any suspense.

(long pause while Elvis thinks...)

Elvis: Ok, well, maybe midgets wouldn't actually sink as fast, because they're lighter. So it would kind of even out.

Jesus: I don't think it works that way. I think it has more to do with buoyancy than weight.

Elvis: hm. Buoyancy?

Jesus: I could be wrong...

Elvis: No, you're probably right. Oh, well.

Jesus: Sorry, Elvis, didn't mean to shoot down your idea.

Elvis: No, that's cool. I still like the website idea, though.

Jesus: Yeah, the website idea's not... bad...



Erica Ann Putis said...

How much pot do they smoke before these conversations?

The Little Cheese said...

I'd vote for squidgets myself... that's if there is a vote. Just so you know...

Captain Smack said...

I really don't know, Erica. I'm pretty sure Jesus doesn't smoke pot anymore, but Elvis I'm not so sure about.

Little Cheese:
Ok, I have you down for "squidgets". So it's:

Little People: 0
Double-plus Unlarge People: 0
P.O.U.S.S.'s: 0
Squidgets: 1


LOL I think that you are subliminally inferring jesus and Elvis are fags! Given that thye are always together and never seem to talk about redheaded girls.
Am I right?

Travis said...

I would like to write in a vote a go with "Halfers"

Captain Smack said...

They are not gay, as far as I know. It's strange that you mentioned redheaded girls, though, because that comes up in another scene, which I plan to post later.

Ok, then; "Squidgets" and "Halfers" are neck and neck!

Anonymous said...

Since I'm such an Orwell fan, I'll go for the Double Plus answer.

I guess when you've got all eternity to sit 'round, conversation eventually turns to these topics.

The Boob Lady said...

“handycapable” HAHAH!! I love your posts Captain. They keep me laughing when I don't feel like I can anymore.

Captain Smack said...

Alriiight, Big Orange - I was hoping someone would mention the 1984 reference. So that puts us at:

Little People: 0
Double-plus Unlarge People: 1
P.O.U.S.S.'s: 0
Squidgets: 1
Halfers: 1

Glad to hear! As for "handycapable", that's not completely a joke; people were using that term for a while (here in the states, at least). I have a friend who used to use it, and would get irritated if you said "handicapped". To me it seemed very patronizing...


See! I told you I was ( am ) psychic.

Captain Smack said...

Yeah, I got a little creeped out, like you were looking over my shoulder.

Don't be messin' wit dat Hoodoo, girl!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Well I heard the PC term was PORG
(person of restricted growth) but no midget I ever threw in the air minded being called 'midget'. 'Squidget' is a good name for a midget accidently sat on by a gorilla.

jungle jane said...

If you had included 'short-arse' in your list of options i would have voted.

I think midgets are hot. i have a stack of midget porn playing in the background right now.

The Little Cheese said...

So halfers is on the table now? Well, that complicates things...

Nah, I'll stick with squidgets.

Captain Smack said...

G. Bananas:
PORG makes sense, but I'm putting you down for squidgets, because we need a tie breaker.

As for you tossing midgets about in the air, you always seem to know what you're doing so I trust your judgment.

I seem to recall you bringing this up over at GB's, only it was dwarves. What's the attraction? Is it that it makes you feel like a giant? Because I could see that...

Little Cheese:
Good idea - let's not make this any more complicated than necessary.

Zoning Out Again said...

Hey there Craptain Smack,
(no that r is not a typo)
I am so glad you stopped by today and left that HILIARIOUS comment!
I don’t normally do this, but after reading just one of your posts I’ll be adding you to my list of people I plan to stalk on a regular basis. And wow you really do look like Jesus, sorry, but the hat doesn’t help detract from the uncanny resemblance! Anyhow, I am not a midget, squidget, widget whatever the hell you listed there, but I am petite. 4’11” to be exact and so I can sort-of relate to these little guys. People are usually staring at my boobs tho’ so they don’t make fun of me about my height. Although they do say Gee you have ginormous boobs for your size, so maybe they do make fun of me behind my back. I’m sure you’re thinking of some really good insults right now.

Anyhow, I put me down for smidgets. For some reason I envision that Jesus and Elvis were sitting on a couch playing video games while they were having this conversation.

I have some more stalking to do. I'll be back in 5!

Captain Smack said...

(o god what have i done... i gotta stop leaving comments when i'm so wasted...)

Hi ZOA - listen, I'm going to put you down for Squidgets. It's the closest thing to Smidgets, which wasn't on the list. (Yes, Travis was allowed a write-in, but he's earned the Captain Smack Stamp of Approval, and therefore carries a certain amount of clout.)

I don't want you to leave empty handed though, so: Since you are 4'11" with 'ginormous' boobs, your Native American name shall be Little Big Tits.

Zoning Out Again said...

Real Nice Captain Cranky Pants! :0)
Fine sicko, I'll take that N.A. name, but your N.A. name shall be.....well I don't know yet, but it'll be good whatever it is.
(Hey, tomorrow is Mother's Day and it's my turn to be inebriated). I'll get back to you on that.

So Oops on the Smidgens thing. Squidgens, Smidgens, Smidgets, Gidgets, it's all good. Just put me down for whatever wins in the end.

Oh and for whatever it’s worth, you’ve got my stamp of approval so you're now linked on my list of favorite stalkees. So there.

Jules said...

What happened to the good old term Dwarf??

Captain Smack said...

I believe Snow White put the kibosh on that one (nobody wants to be genetically copywrited by Disney Land...)

poody said...

I think they both just eat brownines now but the real question here is have you ever seen the movie For Your Height Only?It is a great movis made in the Philipins where apparently there is no politically correctness. It is about a midget who is like a 007 agent and he knows kung fu! Dude it is hilarious to say the least!

Captain Smack said...

You should head over to Gorrila Bananas' site. He just did a whole post about that.

steph said...

I seriously wonder about your brain sometimes. Then I wonder about the feasibility of bringing Jesus and Elvis to the big screen.

Captain Smack said...

As for my brain - I really do have one, I swear!

But yeah, maybe I should talk to Hollywood. This could be another one of those Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn deals. I guess Vince would have to be Elvis. And see if we can get Gary Oldman to do a Cameo as Manson, just to give it some class.

lulu said...

I can't believe that no one has voted for the Princess Bride reference yet. Sign me up.

Captain Smack said...

Thank you, Lulu - you've restored a little faith just now.

Anonymous said...

Jesus, I haven't seen quicksand in years and anyway, it was always strictly for jungles and sweaty people. Deadsand never really made it in the movies at all.

It might be worth looking at a Hammer Horror project: Midgets of the Undeadsand.

What do you reckon?

Captain Smack said...

I'm sure it'll happen eventually, Bock. Zombie Midgets, that is. said...

To my mind one and all must go through this.

About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.