Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Old Whupass

What the fuck are you looking at?

I have several cans of whupass here at the house. I keep them under the kitchen sink, and they've been sitting there for quite some time. There have recently been several situations in which a can of whupass would've come in handy, but they always come up when I'm out in public, and I can never seem to remember to take a can with me when I go out. They aren't like condoms, you know; you can't just stick one in your wallet and forget about it. And I don't want to leave one in my car, especially during the summer. It gets so hot in there, I'm afraid it would explode while I'm driving around. You really don't want to accidentally open a can of whupass while you're driving around.

The problem is that I can't tell if the whupass is still any good. There doesn't seem to be an expiration date on any of the the cans, and I'm not sure how long I've had them. Does whupass go stale? I would really hate to be out in public, get into a conflict with someone, and then open up a can of stale whupass. I'm not sure what would happen, but I imagine there would be a short, pathetic “hiss”, and then a little poof of smoke would come out. That would be really embarrassing, especially if there were women watching.

I remember this one time when I had a disagreement with this redneck guy at a pool hall. The argument had to do with the beer we were drinking. He seemed to think that the most significant quality of the beer was that it was less filling. I, on the other hand, felt that the most important aspect of the beer was that it tasted great. But this stubborn S.O.B., he just wouldn't let it go. He started yelling “less filling”, so I started yelling back “tastes great”. We got all up in each other's faces and started yelling back and forth at each other “less filling”, “tastes great”, “less filling”, “tastes great”, etc. This went on for about 20 or 30 minutes, but, for some reason, I just couldn't seem to turn the guy around on the subject.

Now, I'm kind of an intellectual, and I enjoy a good philosophical debate from time to time, but it seemed that no matter how loud I yelled “tastes great”, the stupid neanderthal just couldn't grasp my point of view. I decided that the only way to come out on top in this cerebral jousting match was to open up a can of whupass. I didn't want to do it; it's not like I go around looking for trouble, but the guy kind of forced my hand.

A few of my friends were sitting nearby, and I motioned for one of them to toss me a can. Priscilla tossed one over, and I immediately opened it up. I should've looked at the can more closely, but it all happened so fast that I didn't even notice that she had tossed me a can of the girl whupass. Oh no! Not the GIRL whupass! Next thing I knew, I was all over the redneck guy, scratching him and pulling his hair, calling him a slut, a bitch, a whore. I couldn't control myself, I began hitting him with my purse and everyone started cheering me on - but in a mocking, sarcastic way. It was humiliating. I mean, don't get me wrong – I'm not one of these macho, alpha male types... I'm totally in touch with my “chick” side and all that - but when it comes to whupass, I need the man-strength stuff. They really should make the cans of girl whupass bright pink, so you can tell them apart.

The worst part was that after the fight, the guy ended up giving me his phone number. I never called him, of course. That whole “country boy” thing is such a turn off.

As for my current problem, I'm still not sure what to do. I would just open up one of these old cans here at the house, to see if the whupass is still fresh, but I'm not sure what the effects would be. I'm afraid the whupass will still be full strength, and then it might linger around the house, waiting for someone to come along. What if a couple of Mormons came by to save my soul? I might open the door and accidentally expose them to the whupass. I'm not crazy about all these religious types, but I'd hate to inadvertently open a can of whupass on a Mormon. They seem so clean and polite.

Maybe I'll just sell these old cans of whupass on eBay. Let somebody else deal with it. In the meantime, I'll carry some nunchucks around, just in case. Nunchucks aren't as reliable as a can of whupass, but they should get me by in a pinch.


Erica AP said...

I think I love you. I don't think I have ever laughed so much at a blog post. And I don't think it's just the wine laughing. I think it's me.

Captain Smack said...

I think you should pour another glass and tell me more.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Girl whupass could be viagra for the ladies. I'd like to see more of it.

Miss Smack said...

ha, I can't imagine you ever getting angry actually!

You strike me as quite the pacifist....

I like that you take the time to develop your own images. You're very talented with them.

Fatman said...

I'd a thought the moment you opened the girl "Can o' Whupass" there would be mud or Jell-O suddenly covering your body to reveal your pink nipples under your white shirt. That's generally what happens with most fights between girls I pay to see. That, and a lot of kissing and forgiving at the end of every round.

Generally your can of whupass gets better with age, like wine. It is best served cold, when people least expect. The problem with some cans though are the side effects. Some can cause you to become green and it shreds your clothes every time you use it.

Captain Smack said...

Mr Bananas:
If there really was a viagra for the ladies, the electric guitarist population would instantly cut in half.

Miss Smack:
Pacifist? Are you trying to insult me? I'm like a fucking time bomb, baby, I could go off at any moment! I'm not some mushy-mouth hippie - why, I once beat a defenseless hippie over the head with his own Birkenstock sandal over a minor parking dispute.

Captain Smack said...

I don't recall any mud or jello, though it was all kind of a blur...

I like the idea that it gets better with age. I can relate to that Hulk guy, because he just hangs out, real peaceful like, not looking for trouble, but somehow manages to get into a fight every single week. It's not HIS fault, it's EVERYONE ELSE'S fault, why do they always force him into these situations? Poor guy.

Miller said...

I thought you were against whup ass. I thought you were all about peace.

Miller said...

oh -- you arent jesus - that's right. I'm sorry, i'm still getting the hang of this. The hat, I will watch for the hat. IALLOL.

anandamide said...

Smack, you totally have to switch to freeze-dried whupass. You can just carry it in your jacket pocket and have it open even before you have time to decide if someone actually deserves to get whupped.

Captain Smack said...

A common mistake, don't feel bad.

I have a friend who said that he got some sample packets of the freeze-dried stuff in the mail. He hasn't had a chance to use it (he's a "nice" guy), so I'll have to try that out.

Miss Smack said...

hahaha, you don't scare me. I could take you on and spit out the bones after. Aussie women are tough, you know. Outback TOUGH! muaha aaaha

Captain Smack said...

What? You could take on my bone and spit afterwards? Damn. That's just plain dirty, Ms Smack!

Helen said...

Do your cans of whupass open with a squeeze as tinny music plays in the background? I'm with Fatman, though, it no doubt gets better with age.

**began hitting him with my purse**

Was this your "I'm-really-a-chick clue?"

Miss Smack said...

Yeh really... we spend a bit of money on our handbags and purse. I wouldn't hit any one with mine.... might get guy DNA or something on it. Eek.

I'd more likely throw his drink his face, or whack him with a cue, but not before telling my friends to run and hold my shoes while I run out too!

I'd probably also check my hair and make-up was ok before I hit him.

neko said...

"how filling" vs "great tasting"??

c'mon, who cares how filling a beer is? i mean, really?

i see why that can of whupass was in dire need.

Miss B said...

I am impressed; next time though, call me. I'll bring my fifth wheel puller*. There will be no question as to whether or not the right "whupass" can has been opened... i got your back, buddy.

*long heavy metal hook for pulling the release pin to unhook a semi tractor from the trailer

Erica AP said...

You just want me to drink so you get more compliments. I see now. I see your playa ways!! :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I would be careful about opening whupass on Mormons. I've heard they have super secret whupass cans secreted in their Books of Mormon that will press all your pants and replace everything in your fridge with green Jell-O and carrots.

willis said...

The freeze dried version has to have the best mobility. Plus you know you can trust it as it was probably developed in space (I imagine our astronauts had to smack the crap out of the Russians on the space station from time to time). Only thing is you got to have water handy to reconstitute it to full strength whupass which could be a drawback.

Dirk_Star said...

My wife is a Mormon and she uses cns of whupass for air freshener.

Captain Smack said...

That would be nice if the whupass came with a built-in soundtrack. I would have it play Rage's "Killing in the Name of"... or maybe "Eye of the Tiger", if I'm really kicking it old skool.

And I don't know how that purse got there. Must have been a side-effect of the whuppass...

Miss Smack:
Thanks for the catfighting tips, but I'm hoping it never comes to that again.

Exactly, right? That's totally what I'm saying. Less filling... what an an idiot. He was totally asking for it.

Miss B:
I love it that I can call you up and you'll come over with a "long heavy metal hook". Sounds kind of kinky.

What??? Erica, I'm hurt. I'm not playing you... I just thought you seemed kind of tense. Maybe we should talk this over with some vodka shots...

Queen of Dysfunction:
I've always suspected that underneath their squeaky clean exterior lies a highly trained warrior. There's just something about them that's too... nice or something...

I don't carry water around with me, but whenever these situations come up there always seems to be some beer around. Would beer work?

Dirk Star:
You are my kind of blogger, man. As Old Knudsen says "A hatless blogger is to be mocked"

You're wife's a mormon, huh? I imagine there must be a lot of negotiating in that marriage. And if she uses whupass as air freshener, I'm guessing she usually comes out on top.

Cunning Linguist said...

stale whupass is usually the stuff WWII veterans carry around. It involves a lot of "Why I oughta's" and "if I were younger you'd be sorry's" and the like. Total verbal abuse but no real physical kick to it any more if you ask me. I personally like the juice box whupass they're coming out with now. Not a ton of it in there but *just* enough for a playground sized scuffle.

refugeroad said...

Hallelujah!! I do believe I have found my spiritual home! I am still wiping away tears of laughter and joy. Can I get an A-uh-men-uh?

Captain Smack said...

Cunning Linguist:
Juice box whupass sounds refreshing. I think I saw one of the neighbor's kids with some of that. I'm about to run up to the grocery store, I'll see if they have any in. Is it fortified with vitamin C?

A-uh-men-uh! Welcome to the party, my friend. I was about to go make a beer/whupass run, can I get you anything?

morbid misanthrope said...

That’s a pretty interesting question. Unfortunately, I don’t know the shelf life of canned whupass; however, if it’s anything like SPAM or Vienna Sausage, it’s potency will grow exponentially into infinity before it ever expires. Whupass comes in other forms these days—freeze dried, as someone else pointed out—but you must be careful what kind of whupass you take.

I once had a friend who started taking whupass pills; the guy at the health store said they were whupass “supplements” and had all the whupass without any of the unnecessary calories. My friend started taking those things by the handful. He said they boosted his energy, too, which became obvious when he started whupping ass in his garage all night instead of sleeping. His moods started changing. He went from being a regular kind of guy to being on edge all the time. He would start whupping ass for no reason at all. I once saw him punch the skull out of a kitten just because it was “time for some whupass, bitches!”

He started getting into stronger whupass supplements—the kind you inject. I once walked in on him injecting whupass between his toes. The syringe was as big as a goddamned bicycle pump. The last time I ever saw him, his once proud mullet was thin and dull, he was wearing bright orange Zoomba Pants, and he was twitching and muttering about not needing regular-sized nuts to “whupass like a cyborg wild stallion.” Don’t let that happen to you, Cap’n. I just know I’m going to read about my whupass-crazy friend in the paper one day. It’ll probably say something like “Crazed Man Dies Trying to Whup Ass of Speeding Monster Truck.”

Old Knudsen said...

I opened up a can of whupass for me tea by accident once, I've been beating myself up about it ever since.

Captain Smack said...

I appreciate your concern Morbid, and I assure you, I don't have a problem with it. And I know that sounds like something a person with a whupass problem would say, but really, I'm just a casual whupasser. I only do it on weekends, socially, and I never do it alone. If I ever start wearing orange pants, then I'll know it's time to seek help.

Mr Knudsen:
I know you've been beating yourself - it was #13 on your list of 101 True Things.

Prunella Jones said...

I know exactly what you mean, Captain. It's like this one time, my mom and I were walking along the beach and she advised me to always use Massengale Douche for that not so fresh feeling. And I was all like, "hell no, Ma, Massengale sucks ass. Summer's Eve is way better!" Well she disagreed, and we argued all the way back to the car. Since she's my ma, I refrained from opening a can of whupass on her. I did, however, smoke up all of her pot and sleep with her boyfriend. "Quit trying to control me, old lady!"

Zoning Out Again said...

Yip, I knew it! Why would that girl Pricksilla throw you a can of Girl whupass? Hmmmff!
You probably have eyes like Ms Smack don't you? (not that that's a bad thing come to think of it).

YOU!Trying to throw us all off with that picture of supposedly you on the toilet. (which is quite sexy by the way).

My advice is that when you are acting out one of your "little plays" in front of the mirror, Whatever you do,DON'T open a can of whupass!
That would SO not be a good show! BUT IF YOU WERE TO DO SO, can you video tape it and make us a nice little show? Fatman and I would pay to see that!

Now be a good girl and bring Jesus back with you to my place and see if he can do something about a Uvula I'd like to have removed. :0) Thanks! :0*

Captain Smack said...

"hell no, Ma, Massengale sucks ass"

I would love to see that in a douche commercial. I also wouldn't mind seeing the "less filling/taste great" argument in a douche commercial.

Priscilla's kind of an airhead, that's all. Most of the strippers I hang out with are total intellectuals, but Prissy can be kind of a ditz sometimes.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

The only thing wrong with your girl can of whupass is it didn't contain a little pms period juice.

I bet nobody would have laughed at you then, nor would you have gotten "country boy's" phone number. :)

Zoning Out Again said...

Uh huh, sure!

Oh BTW, go and vote for me over at Mattress Police's Caption contest. I know my caption isn't the funniest, but it's my first time in the top 10. VOTE FOR MEEEEE!!!!


mist1 said...

I don't really like canned Whupa$$. I prefer it fresh. If I can't get it fresh, I like frozen.

Captain Smack said...

Of course it didn't contain PMS juice. That ingredient has been outlawed by congress as a lethal substance. Besides, I'm just using the stuff for a little recreational weekend ass whupping. I'm not trying to cause anyone to have mental problems. I'm not a monster.

Ok, I'll mosey on over and vote for you, happy to do it. I'll be expecting a footrub, of course.

Wow. You're in one of the seedier parts of town (this blog was rated NC-17, you know), and yet you still refuse to use a curse word. You really do have class. I admire that. I don't envy it, but I do admire it.

I prefer fresh whupa$$ too, but I'm a lazy bachelor, and I just don't have time for all that. Besides, I hate wasting money on whupa$$ that just goes bad after three days. It makes me feel like I'm obligated to go out and whup some a$$ before it goes bad. The frozen stuff takes forever to thaw out, and I usually need it right away, like Popeye and his spinach (the original whupa$$).

Miss B said...

heh. you should see what i do with my pneumatic hose...


Erica AP said...

Did you say vodka? Will we be taking body shots? haha...

Captain Smack said...

Miss B:
You should see what I do with mine.

Yes. And yes.



Zoning Out Again said...

Okay, I'll rub you like you rubbed me when I voted for you! :0D

unique_stephen said...

Here in Australia we've been hearing a lot about the new genetically modified whupass. There has been some debate as to whether we should abandon our anti GM stance and adopt a more forward / backward thinking stance depending on your point of view with the polemic usually breaking down along urban greens / nationalist farmers federation lines.
What is the status of the debate around GM whupass over there?

Captain Smack said...

Keeping it short and sweet, I see.

I must have been really drunk, I don't recall that. But it sounds like a good thing.

Here in America nobody really gives a crap about anything unless it has something to do with a celebrity (for more information on this phenomenon, see "Michael J. Fox/Stemcell Research"). Perhaps Russel Crow will start using the genetically engineered whupass, and then it will make the news. Then we will make up some bumperstickers and be done with it.

I myself am kind of a purist when it comes to whupass. Call me old fashion, but I say if it was good enough for grandpa, then it's good enough for me. Using the GM stuff just feels like cheating to me.

Zoning Out Again said...

I'll be sure to get just as drunk as you were. OH! I get it! You were drunk because you are a girl and you would never rub another girls feet right? Is that one of those clues?
BTW thanks if you really did go over and vote for me! I'm tied for 1st place right now! :0D *Claps hands and jumps up and down*

Erica AP said...

I think I'm starting to become a stalker because I keep checking back here to see if you've posted even though I know you haven't because you are on my feeds... Maybe you could just read me some gospel to tie me over???

kiki said...

i think the can of whupass' strength corresponds directly to the president at time of production

so, for instance, if it was an FDR-era can, it'd be pretty piss-weak

but if it was Ike-era, then you'd kick some arse


That's me short and SWEET! Good onya though - I wondered if I would stump you with that for a comeback!

Captain Smack said...

I did indeed vote and noticed you were kicking booty. I tried to vote again, but it wouldn't let me.

As you wish.

Ezekiel Chapter 23, Verse 19 & 20
(New English Translation Version)

"Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions."

2 Kings
Chapter 2, Verses 23 & 24
(New King James Version)

"Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths."

Deuteronomy Chapter 25, Verse 11 & 12
(New American Standard Bible)

"If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity."

These cans of whupass were made during the whole 2000 election fiasco, when no one was sure who the president actually was. So I'm not sure what that would mean in terms of strength...

Me? Stumped? Never! It did take me a minute, though...

Miller said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Miller said...

hahaaa those bible verses above are insane!!

Captain Smack said...

Indeed they are, and they're real, too.

Miss Smack said...

They ALL say they're real.

Captain Smack said...

No, really. Here's another one:

Deuteronomy, chapter 23, verse 1

"No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord."

Erica AP said...

Thank you for the word of the lord. It has filled my heart with warmth and my soul with hope. I will serve and follow thy king into the depths of the valley only to have faith that the mighty one will lead me to heaven all mighty.

Erica AP said...

Who's dad was a deacon???

Zoning Out Again said...

Wow Captain! Those were some pretty insightful verses you recited to Erica!
I'm going to bring those with me to church tomorrow and read them out loud. :0)

Hey did you put in a good word with Jesus and Elvis for me? I won the Caption Contest over at diesels place!!! WOO AND HOO!
Thanks for the vote man! LUZ U!

Captain Smack said...

Hey, if you can't find inspiration in bear attacks, donkey dicks and crushed testicles, then where can you find it?

I did put in a good word for you, but Jesus said you didn't need his help. You're just that good.

Helen said...

Ok, Smack, time to dole out some fishes and loaves for your gibbering fans...

Captain Smack said...

Alright then, I'll whip something up.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Whupass is all very good, and so are nunchucks, but for sheer sticking power, you can't beat a bayonet. Just let that pool-hall redneck disagree with you again - you can shoot AND stick him at the same time.

My mum would be so disappointed

Captain Smack said...

Well I don't want to have to walk around all the time with a bayonet shoved down my pants.

About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.