Thursday, April 16, 2009

Let's Go Crazy


Overall, I'm a pretty sane person. I don't have an official certificate to prove my sanity, but I'm almost positive that one would be issued to me, were I to apply.

For the most part, being sane has worked well for me. Sanity is great for things like managing your daily life, accurately interpreting events in the external universe, or being allowed to use scissors. Also, living in the same basic reality as other humans is very convenient when negotiating a business transaction, pursuing a mate, or dealing with law enforcement personnel.

The problem, however, is that sanity can get really fucking boring after a while. The standard "agreed upon" reality to which most people subscribe was not really set up to be all that exciting. It seems to mostly consist of working, sleeping, and watching TV, and there aren't even that many good shows on. It's been a long time since anything has really surprised me. Also, I'm starting to think that maybe I've become too predictable, and, as any ninja warrior will tell you, predictability can be a weakness.

With that in mind, I've decided to go through a "crazy" phase. Just to kind of shake things up a little. I've known some pretty crazy people, and, to tell you the truth, it looks kind of fun. The only thing I need to decide is which form of mental illness I should pursue. There are several interesting psychiatric conditions which I've had my eye on, and they all have their pros and cons.

Here's what I've come up with so far:


Schizophrenia
This is one of my favorites, and has some very attractive features. For one thing, it would allow me to communicate with spirits, dead people, and/or aliens. I get tired of always having to make decisions for myself, and would love to have a voice in my head which told me what to do from time to time. Let somebody else steer for awhile, you know?

Another cool thing about schizophrenia is that it can instantly raise one's social status. With the CIA watching my every move through my TV set (they have the technology to do that, you know) and Tori Amos sending me personal, secret messages cleverly encoded into her song lyrics, I would obviously have to be a very important person.

The hallucinations would also be kind of neat. I don't do drugs like I used to (who has the time these days?), and it would be fun to watch miniature Indians in full head dress riding their tiny horses through my living room. I kind of miss those little guys.

The down side, of course, is that when you're schizophrenic, your non-imaginary friends can become very irritated with you, especially when you're always accusing them of trying to steal your secret biscuit (it has special powers), or of having your mother imprisoned in their basement. "But I don't even have a basement" they'll say, as if that somehow makes a difference.

Another drawback with schizophrenia is that it's usually treatable with medication, and the medication often diminishes your ability to move things with your mind or become invisible. If you refuse the medication, you might get put in a mental institution, which doesn't sound like all that much fun.

On the other hand... what is the male-to-female ratio in mental institutions? Anyone know? I might be up for it if the ratio is favorable, as crazy chicks tend to be pretty wild in bed.

I may need to do a little more research on this one.


Megalomania
This one's not exactly at the top of my list, but does have a few perks. Firstly, it would be fairly easy for me to adopt, considering that I already have a pretty high opinion of myself. As it is, I have a very flexible ego, and am able to think of myself as God-like, while at the same time see myself as lower than a cockroach. All I would need to do is eliminate the cockroach part, and viola, I'm a God.

The main thing that turns me off about megalomania is that it's been done to death. It's not the most original disorder in the world, and I could see it becoming rather dull over time. Also, it could get very frustrating, being constantly surrounded by low-level, incompetent, unworthy beings.


Sociopathy
Like megalomania, sociopathy is not terribly rare, yet the benefits of this disorder are hard to beat. I've always admired giant corporations for their ability to completely ignore the safety and wellbeing of the public, while pursuing vast sums of money as if nothing else mattered. While corporations are not living entities capable of guilt, regret, or any other emotion, they do have all the rights of living beings, which makes them almost super-human. What a fantastic arrangement!

As a sociopath, I could be just like a giant corporation. It would make life so much easier. Caring about other people's feelings can be a real pain in the ass, as is the desire to be a "good person" or to "not ruin other people's lives". I'm tired of considering the needs of others. That's for pussies. But having unchecked greed, and doing what's best for #1, while relentlessly mowing down any poor schmuck who stands in your way? That's how shit gets done, baby.

This one is definitely on my short list.


Psychopathy
Psychopathic behavior - while not necessarily very constructive - can be extremely rewarding in other ways. One minute your just standing in line at the grocery store, minding your own business, and the next you're jumping over the counter and biting the cashier on the face. That's sounds very exciting. Psychopathy is definitely a good one for keeping people on their toes. It also gives you a great cardio workout, with all the jumping around, attacking people, and/or destroying property.

I once knew a girl who, while hitchhiking across the country, woke up in the back of a van, thought she was still dreaming, and then walked into a grocery store and started tearing everything off the shelves, just because it seemed like a fun thing to do. When the stock boys assembled and attempted to move in on her, she started throwing cans of Hawaiian juice at them, while screaming that she owned every one of them, all the while laughing hysterically.

Now that sounds like fun.

Cons? Well, like schizophrenia, there's a very good chance that, after a few of these types of episodes, one could easily end up in a mental institution, or worse, jail.

That could be a problem. See, a few years ago, I kind of made a promise to myself that I would never go back to jail, at least not if I could help it. I know everyone has their own ideas about how many times it's ok to be imprisoned, but I've reached my personal limit. Besides, the last thing my résumé needs is another red flag.


Manic Depression
This one is very popular these days. All the cool kids are doing it. As for pros and cons, Manic Depression seems pretty evenly split down the middle.

On the one hand, there's the mania, which is great. Having super-human levels of confidence and energy is a real kick, and can be very helpful when taking on large projects, like starting a business or religion.

On the other hand, there's the depression. There's not much point in trying to be happy or accomplish anything when you know that, eventually, it will all just crumble and decay back into the chaotic nothingness from which it came.

But then there's the mania. The mind explodes with ideas, and it's all you can do to just hang on and make use of it. Highly productive. Almost orgasmic.

But then there's the depression. Nobody understands you. Nobody cares. Nobody. But then, you don't care about them either, which is even worse.

The mania, however, fucking rocks! So many wonderful things to do! Everyone is so fucking beautiful! Just look at them!

The depression, however, fucking sucks. It's like... it's like... I dunno. I don't feel like talking about it. Whatever. Leave me alone.

Etc.

Frankly, Manic Depression sounds exhausting. Besides, I already get the Manic part from time to time anyway, and I just don't see much benefit in adding Depression to the mix.

I think I can safely mark this one off my list.


Multiple Personality Disorder
Now, this one is just plain cool as hell, and is the one I'm currently leaning toward. For one thing, it's very rare, which is always nice. Also, it is not easily treatable, so I'd have a great excuse for not taking my meds.

As something of an artist, MPD appeals to my sense of creativity. I've always enjoyed exploring different mindsets, and this would give me a front row seat to the innerworkings of many interesting characters. Just the sheer entertainment value alone is enough to give this mental illness a high ranking in my book. Imagine being a Southern Baptist preacher one day, and then an Italian crime boss the next. What fun!

Having several identities to choose from would greatly increase my overall skill set. Depending on the task at hand, I could switch personalities on the fly, and use the talents of that particular person.

For example, let's say I'm downtown, and I suddenly realize that I'm completely out of cash. All I have to do is whip out my Gay Prostitute personality and earn a few quick bucks. Problem solved. Now, to the normal me, that sort of experience would be very disturbing, and leave me feeling dirty and confused. To the Gay Prostitute me, however, it would just be a normal, everyday thing, like eating breakfast, or getting beat up.

There are so many ways in which one could utilize MPD to overcome personal shortcomings. I've never had any luck with black women, for example. I'm not sure what the problem is, but I suspect it has something to do with me being white. It always seems to go smoothly at first, but as soon as they sense that I'm flirting with them, they start looking at me real strange, like I have a banana sticking out of my ear or something.

As a white guy, I totally suck at picking up black chicks.

As a cool black dude, however, I could probably make some real progress in this area. I would instinctively know what to say, what to wear, and how to act. I could totally bust a move on that hot black chick who works at the drug store down the street, and I bet she wouldn't look at me strange at all.

Also, it would help me to understand the complex issues of racism, and how stereotypes – even positive ones – can end up having a negative effect on all of us. It would ultimately make me a better person, because it would give me a broader perspective, more empathy, and greater compassion (not to mention the increased penis size).

Another thing I'm wondering is this: do people with Multiple Personality Disorder ever switch genders? I'm not exactly sure how that works, but I've always been curious as to what it would be like to be female. To that end, having MPD seems like a great opportunity to finally find out exactly what it is that's so fascinating about footware, or what it's like to “feel” fat. As a male, I've never considered “fat” to be an emotion, but, as a female, I'm sure it would all make perfect sense.

I read that there was this one case where this woman, Sybil, had 16 different personalities. That may be overdoing it, and sounds a bit high-maintenance for my tastes. I'm sure I would need no more than 5 or 6 personalities to get me through a normal day, and maybe another 2 or 3 for special occasions.


Conclusion
Well, I think Multiple Personality Disorder looks like a winner. Lots of benefits, and, other than having to buy several new wardrobes, I really can't think of any downsides.

All I have to do now is figure out who we're going to be. I'm already kicking around a few ideas, but if anyone has any suggestions, I'm sure we'd love to hear them.

216 comments:

1 – 200 of 216   Newer›   Newest»
Kitty said...

If you go with multiple personality, could I apply to be one of your girlfriends?

I'm looking for a guy who is rich, gorgeous and very good at fucking me.

If he's taken, can I have the weird guy that blogs and makes everyone laugh at him?

Cheeeeeeers, big hugs, Kitty xxx

p.s. i have to order those fuckin tshirts. i keep forgetting.

Captain Smack said...

Why not both? I usually prefer not to share my women (especially with rich, gorgeous sexperts) but in your case I could probably make an exception.

Kitty said...

if you have multiple personalities, can you provide multiple orgasms too?

*slides directly off ergonomic madam's throne and onto questionably sticky carpet*

Lilly said...

People with MPD do indeed switch genders. Hell I've read that sometimes they even speak different languages.
Are you bilingual? That would help.
Do you have any experience acting? also a big help.

And if it all gets to be too much for you, you can just commit a crime, claim insanity, and get carted off to the institution for a few years of good drugs and wacky times.

I just have one tip for you: Don't stick your dick in crazy, virtual or otherwise. I've seen mighty men fall from grace after messin with the crazy chick and.....well, it just wasn't pretty.

As for the highest potential for getting laid, you would likely want to go with Sociopathy.

Ms Smack said...

IALLOL

x

Maxi Cane said...

Bi Polar is the way to go these days. All the celebrities swear by it.

You can go on an uzi rampage in a creche and then invite the teacher out for dinner. When the fuzz show up to take you away, just take your certification of being bi polar and you're as innocent as OJ.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The female personality you adopt would be more worried about having no tits than being fat.

Buffalo said...

You pretty much lost me when you laid claim to at least a measure of sanity. Difficult to read when you're rolling on the floor with a stitch in your side and tears of laughter pouring out of your eyes.

Captain Smack said...

Kitty:
Provide them? I don't see why not, as long as we are rotating shifts. If I could have them, though, that would really be a perk.


Lilly:
I'm not bilingual at the moment, but I figured that Raoul (my Puerto Rican dance instructor personality) would take care of that. He seems to already know Spanish (at least it sounds like Spanish).


Ms Smack:
(tips hat)


Maxi Cane:
As innocent as OJ? Well, that's quite a standard you're setting there.


Gorilla Bananas:
True. She'd always be asking "does this identity make my butt look big?".


Buffalo:
I was speaking of sanity in the broad sense, of course.

UBERMOUTH said...

You've outdone yourself.
MPD is good. You'd never be lonely,always have someone else to blame ,get multiple helpings of cake, all 5 of you could get into the movies for one ticket price,BUT sadly it will not help you get black women.
Black men do white women.

Captain Smack said...

I think I may have figured out what my problem is with black women. Go to Google.com and start typing in "why do white people " and look at what the top search suggestion is.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

ha ha...captain. I like it.

Well I think you've got something here.

MPD is what I have or had in my early twenties. Me and the girls agree...on this. That we no longer have MPD.

I mean it was so bad at times, they were calling me Sybil. I mean...I did have that disorder. Maggie, jade, Scarlett and Trixie. Trixie being the most distructive as in she would get me into trouble. I'd wake with a fella on some morning and not know who he was...or why I was in his bed naked as I was on my birthday.

As for schizophrenia...I use to be till I started taking advice from my dog.

Yes...I did huh, my purdy baby doggie, yes...yes...you are so purdy and momma listens to you huh my little baby doggie....um, hehehe.

Ahem, but I'm not sick anymore...just ask the girls, but don't listen to Trix...the little slut would lie just to shag you.

fab post sweeties.
Ciao.

Oh and hey...maybe you and your other personalities could go out with me and the girls.

We'd have to take a big car though. :D

*~Dani~* said...

MPD sounds exhausting. How do you keep all those personalities straight? Imagine if you think you are in your gay prostitute personalty and try to pick someone up, but it turns out you are really in your strict [insert religion here] personality? Can that happen? What does your research show?

I am going for sociopathy. You are probably not surprised. I am, however, surprised that so many white people smell like wet dogs. What is that all about?

Josh said...

I think the only way MPD is going to give you the cock, swager and bootie of a black man is when you are in you gay prostitute personality.

Oh, and the chicks are looking at you funny because you do have a banana sticking out of your ear, it was left there from when you had your Carmen Miranda personality on...

Captain Smack said...

Spiky Zora Jones:
Well, We're not alone, dear. I'm starting to think that all bloggers have at least a mild form of MPD.


*~Dani~*:
You bring up a good point. Having MPD would require solid group management skills, and I've never even been all that good at remembering people's names.


Josh:
Wow, Josh. You just used the term "cock and swagger" and mentioned Carmen Miranda in the same paragraph. You are definitely kicking it old skool tonight.

Josh said...

What can I say, all this talk of opt in psych problems is taking me way back.

Next thing I am going to start dreaming about Nurse Rached.

GT said...

Why not combine all of them? You'd be unstoppable. But probably exhausted.

Wasn't there an episode of CSI where a girl had MPD and got away with whatever she did?

your psycho ex girlfriend said...

i love psychopaths! please jump across the counter and tear half my face off with your teeth, please...

EmmaK said...

I am confused, how could you have one of your multiple personalities as a cool black dude? What, you would carry some black boot polish and an afro wig in your pocket ready for the transformation? I don't think you would attract a black chick with a black face and a synthetic wig but maybe I am wrong.

I am a manic depressive I suppose unfortunately the depressed part is 80 per cent and the creative about 20 per cent so I wouldn't recommend it as a fun experience.

Captain Smack said...

Josh:
I salute you, sir. That is one of my all-time favorite books. And movies.


GT:
"Why not combine all of them?"Hey, you might just have something there. Metadisorders! With multiple personalities, each one could have their own mental illness.


your psycho ex girlfriend:
So you like it rough, huh? Assault and battery is so kinky.


EmmaK:
Well, I think as long as I believed I was black, then the rest would just sort of take care of itself.

And an Manic Depressive 20/80 split... yikes. That sounds awful. You should talk to your doctor and see if they have anything better. Maybe do a trade in or something.

C'est La Craic said...

We think you'll find that Tori Amos is sending us encoded messages, thank you very much.
Also, your problem with CIA and your television may be due to the fact that you are using low grade aluminium foil. Buy the good stuff, it's worth it. Personally we can vouche that we haven't been send on a Manchurian candidate style assination in weeks.

Ms Smack said...

Well, it seems fated that there are 21 comments, and I'm posting on the eve of the 21st, which is also my birthday launching me into my 21st year which happens to coincide with the launch of your religion line.

How's that working for ya?

Ok, I fibbed about it being my 21st.

I'm 37. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

xx

EmmaK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EmmaK said...

For making me moist for so many months I now present you with the Noblesse Oblige award on my blog. Do pass it on!!

xl said...

I can recommend Bi-Polar. The only down-side is the meds -- no "fun" drugs. I don't know why they are prescription.

Son of Incogneato said...

Cool, does this mean you’re going to have like five or six different blogs?
MPD does sound like a real winner, but you should perhaps reconsider some of the practical issues. Tons of clothes, yeah, but what about food allergies? Stocking your fridge? And musical taste(s)? You’re going to have to have ABBA, 50 Cent, Jane’s Addiction, Joni Mitchell, King Crimson and Billy Ray Cyrus all in the SAME music collection. God only knows what gay prostitutes listen to. Bee Gees? That might even be breaking some kind of musical law.
I’d look into catatonic if I were you. Very, very low maintenance.

Manuel said...

all sounds like yer average waiter.....

Ms Smack said...

Thanks for the birthday message.

xx
C

Captain Smack said...

C'est La Craic:
Tori sending you messages? You must be doing your math wrong. Either that, or she is more clever than I thought.


Ms Smack:
Uh oh. A sudden awareness of numerical symetry... I'm sure that's a symptom of something...


EmmaK:
Exactly how much money do I get for winning this award? That stupid Blogpower award didn't pay squat.

I guess I'm going to have to start my own line of awards. The Captain Smack Stamp of Approval Award.


xl:
I know of a certain serotonin specific re-uptake inhibitor that is actually quite a LOT of fun. And it's not prescription, either.


Son of Incogneato:
You're scarring me, man. With the exception of Billy Ray, I literally have music from every one of the artists you mentioned. This transition might be easier than I thought. Maybe a little too easy.


Manuel:
Do waiters with MPD have to split tips with themselves?


Ms Smack:
My pleasure, ma'am. Hope you had a great birthday.

C'est La Craic said...

Holy (no pun intended) shit Captain!
I thought you were having a laugh about the site. I'd join up but between the catholic church, freemasonry, scientology and the mormons all the whackiest notions seem to be taken, and let's face it, who wants to create a religion that's only slightly far fetched.

As for Tori, well, she's not a friend of Maynard James Keenan for nothing I suppose...

Prunella Jones said...

Ah, you always have the best ideas! MPD does look pretty fun, but I think I'd prefer a touch of Tourette's Syndrome myself. That way I could cuss people out and call them names all day and collect disability for it. It really doesn't get much sweeter than that.

Ms Smack said...

I want to come back as Fiona Apple in another personality, Tori is a slapper. :)

EmmaK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Isa Kaufmann said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EmmaK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EmmaK said...

Jesus, isn't it enough that you have a groupie? What do you want, blood? You are also in the Pakistani Spectator! It doesn't get much bigger than that ;)
www.tinyurl.com/dgltvt

Fantastic Forrest said...

LOL - IJULTPYO

Actually, IJULTDYCAGYMPD

(I'm just using LOL to drive you crazy and give you multiple personality disorder.)

You're welcome.

UBERMOUTH said...

Seems like you have some nutter scrawler/comment klepto here.
Shall we send in the army?

Ms Smack said...

I think you're really going this time eh?

take care
C

UBERMOUTH said...

Hey! While you were erecting your virtual church, someone stole your tag!!!
Well, you've got my new and improved blog addy-see you there.
xo

Cunning_Linguist said...

I'm still in shock about smelling like a wet dog. I really had no clue. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll continue eating my mayonaise on white bread sandwich.

( . )( . ) said...

My sister has dissociate identity disorder which is pretty much the same as MPD. So, I say go for it. Have fun an be insane.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

captain: I will go crazy if yah don't post soon, darling.

I still have hope that you will soon.

In a melodramatic gesture...I put the back of my lace covered hand over my closed Southern blue eyes.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Sir, good day. :D

Miss B said...

heh... new religion one day and crazy two weeks later. correlation?

i presume you've been committed since it's been awhile - hope they spring all of you soon so we are again entertained. it's all about us, ya know.

Rachel Noy said...

Hawaiian juice?! Psychopathy sounds fun and tasty. I'm sure the mental institution wouldn't be so bad if you thought you were dreaming and started gnawing the walls as if it was marshmallow coated.

Anonymous said...

Ya know, you can be manic without the depressive part. I always thought that would be the best, like being on speed without ever having to crash and grieve over all the stupid things you did while manic.

Jules said...

What an extremely long post.

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milly (elephants&redwoods) said...

Where are you?

Anonymous said...

By the way, try GSM jammer to disable all secret devices in your room or at work.

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My Photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.