In The Future: Episode Three

Like most people, I party especially hard on New Year's Eve. If it's been a particularly good year, then I'll party hard as a celebration. If it's been a really crappy year, however, then I do it for more practical reasons - to see how many brain cells in my memory banks I can knock off. But, if it's been an average, so-so kind of year, then I do it because I just like getting really fucked up sometimes.

And, boy, I must've really done a number last night. You know you've had a good time when you wake up the next day in a hospital bed, wearing a paper nightgown, hooked up to a bunch of funny looking machines.

It was kind of strange this time, though. When I came to, the doctor on duty started acting all excited, like he just couldn't believe I'd actually woken up. I was feeling a little gnarly, of course, so I asked him if he had any morphine (you know, the good stuff, none of that cheap synthetic crap), but his reaction did not instill a lot of confidence. He said that that was the last thing I needed, and that he'd be right back with a "brain imaging specialist" or something, and that it was very, very important that I not exert myself or move my head at all.

"Well, can I at least get a freaking sponge bath?" I yelled out, but he was already running off to get his stupid brain specialist.

I was like "No morphine? Well, screw that, I'm outta here." Really, if you can't get decent drugs in a hospital, where can you get them? As I was making my way out, I passed by the nurse's station and overheard a couple of them talking excitedly about some idiot who'd been in a drug-induced coma for a whole year and had just woken up.

A whole year! I couldn't help but smirk a little. Some guys just can't hold their drugs.

Now, normally I would've went ahead and hung out at the hospital for a few days (I enjoy being pampered and not having to get out of bed to bathe or pee), but this time I was kind of anxious to get home and put up a blog post. My last post was on Christmas, which was 7 whole days ago, and I generally try not to let more than a week slide by without posting something (you know how dedicated a blogger I am). And besides, it being New Years and all (I still can't believe it's already 2008!), I wanted to do something special. So here it is:

Brought to you by Rawhide Condoms^TM
The only condom made from genuine leather!

Yes, I've been having futuristic “visions” again, and if you've read any of my previous predictions, then you know how eerily accurate they can be. And you know what? I have a feeling this year's predictions will be especially dead-on.


The End of an ERA
In 2008 the United States will elect their first female president. Suck on that, patriarchy! Ah, but there's a twist: it won't be Hillary. No, Hillary and her husband will mysteriously disappear after going on a deep-sea fishing expedition, leaving the Democratic ticket wide open.

All of a sudden this new female candidate, Belinda Clitton, will seem to appear out of nowhere. She will be an unknown, an exciting, fresh face on the political landscape. She will apparently have very little experience, but will exude a familiar, comfortable schmooziness not seen since the early 90's.


Belinda Clitton, center, posing with two of her favorite interns
Ok, so she's not the prettiest thing in the world, but, hey, it's not a beauty contest.

Congratulations, ladies. You finally made it, and you didn't let some idiot man get in your way. I knew you could do it.


Laissez-Fairy Tale
After 7 years of responsible, intelligent government, the US economy will suddenly start booming again. But, of course, our political leaders won't be able to take all the credit, as many of the economic gains will come about as a result of our efficient, self-cleaning, no-need-to-regulate system of Free Market Capitalism. Woohoo!

Because of the enormous profits made by General Motors, Goldman-Sachs, Citibank, and other top companies during this period, these businesses will all chip in and give $2,333 to every man, woman and child in the United States (that's over 700 billion dollars!), proving once again that giant corporations, if giving the chance, will indeed do the right thing.


Latter Gay Saints
California residents, in a rather vulgar display of power, will take advantage of their great numbers to band together and donate large sums of money to sponsor a new “Gay Marriage” bill, making same-sex marriage not only legal, but mandatory in the state of Utah.

When asked what motivated these West coast liberals to fund a bill concerning Utah, of all places, spokesperson Richard Puller will say “Oh, I don't know... we just really like screwing with Mormons, I guess.”


The 2nd Coming (part 11)
On February 8th, 2008, Anna Nicole Smith will rise from the dead, spit on her own grave, and then ascend into Heaven in a shaft of golden light. When she gets there, God will ask “So... how did it go?”, to which she will reply “Not good. Those idiots didn't get what I was saying at all.”

Then, after taking a shower and changing into into some clean clothes, she and God will have brunch.

“Listen, Daddy” she'll say. “Next time you do one of these 'Messiah' thingies, why don't you just send down another bearded guy? I think they were expecting a bearded guy. They seem to have a thing about bearded guys down there.”

“Hey, that's what I did last time, and look what happened. They nailed him to a piece of wood, for crying out loud.”

“Yeah, well, getting crucified in the media is no picnic, either. Why in the world did you send me down there, anyway?”

“I dunno. I thought maybe I'd sex it up a little. I feel like I'm running out of ideas, here. Hmmm... I guess I could always send down a black, one-legged, lesbian midget... we haven't tried that one yet...”


The Tell-Tale Duck
Ok, this last one's a little fuzzy, but I think it will basically happen like this:

OJ Simpson will follow up his 2006 suspense thriller “If I Did It” with a new book entitled “No, Really, I Did It. I'm, Like, Totally A Murderer.” Later that same year, he will complete the trilogy with “Look, I Stabbed My Wife and Her Lover To Death, OK? Would You Please Send Me to Freaking Jail, Already?”

He will then be arrested (and this is the part that's fuzzy) for running an illegal duck fighting operation out of his home. The jury will find him guilty, and he will be sentenced to 883 years in a maximum security prison.

Eventually, he will escape from prison, flee to Argentina, and write a book called “By The Way , I Also Killed This Homeless Guy Back In 1989.”


What A Year
Wow. What an interesting year 2008 is going to be, and I for one wouldn't want to miss a second of it. I have a feeling that, for me, this is going to be an especially good year. A year of hope, you might say. And change, too. I don't know why, but the words "hope" and "change" seem to be stuck in my head.

Anyway, it's going to be a blast, so enjoy it while you can (because 2009 is really going to suck).