Thursday, January 1, 2009

In The Future: Episode Three

That's Anna Nicole Smith, by the way.

Like most people, I party especially hard on New Year's Eve. If it's been a particularly good year, then I'll party hard as a celebration. If it's been a really crappy year, however, then I do it for more practical reasons - to see how many brain cells in my memory banks I can knock off. But, if it's been an average, so-so kind of year, then I do it because I just like getting really fucked up sometimes.

And, boy, I must've really done a number last night. You know you've had a good time when you wake up the next day in a hospital bed, wearing a paper nightgown, hooked up to a bunch of funny looking machines.

It was kind of strange this time, though. When I came to, the doctor on duty started acting all excited, like he just couldn't believe I'd actually woken up. I was feeling a little gnarly, of course, so I asked him if he had any morphine (you know, the good stuff, none of that cheap synthetic crap), but his reaction did not instill a lot of confidence. He said that that was the last thing I needed, and that he'd be right back with a "brain imaging specialist" or something, and that it was very, very important that I not exert myself or move my head at all.

"Well, can I at least get a freaking sponge bath?" I yelled out, but he was already running off to get his stupid brain specialist.

I was like "No morphine? Well, screw that, I'm outta here." Really, if you can't get decent drugs in a hospital, where can you get them? As I was making my way out, I passed by the nurse's station and overheard a couple of them talking excitedly about some idiot who'd been in a drug-induced coma for a whole year and had just woken up.

A whole year! I couldn't help but smirk a little. Some guys just can't hold their drugs.

Now, normally I would've went ahead and hung out at the hospital for a few days (I enjoy being pampered and not having to get out of bed to bathe or pee), but this time I was kind of anxious to get home and put up a blog post. My last post was on Christmas, which was 7 whole days ago, and I generally try not to let more than a week slide by without posting something (you know how dedicated a blogger I am). And besides, it being New Years and all (I still can't believe it's already 2008!), I wanted to do something special. So here it is:

Brought to you by Rawhide CondomsTM
The only condom made from genuine leather!

Yes, I've been having futuristic “visions” again, and if you've read any of my previous predictions, then you know how eerily accurate they can be. And you know what? I have a feeling this year's predictions will be especially dead-on.

The End of an ERA
In 2008 the United States will elect their first female president. Suck on that, patriarchy! Ah, but there's a twist: it won't be Hillary. No, Hillary and her husband will mysteriously disappear after going on a deep-sea fishing expedition, leaving the Democratic ticket wide open.

All of a sudden this new female candidate, Belinda Clitton, will seem to appear out of nowhere. She will be an unknown, an exciting, fresh face on the political landscape. She will apparently have very little experience, but will exude a familiar, comfortable schmooziness not seen since the early 90's.

Don't ask me how I obtained a photograph from the future...
Belinda Clitton, center, posing with two of her favorite interns

Ok, so she's not the prettiest thing in the world, but, hey, it's not a beauty contest.

Congratulations, ladies. You finally made it, and you didn't let some idiot man get in your way. I knew you could do it.

Laissez-Fairy Tale
After 7 years of responsible, intelligent government, the US economy will suddenly start booming again. But, of course, our political leaders won't be able to take all the credit, as many of the economic gains will come about as a result of our efficient, self-cleaning, no-need-to-regulate system of Free Market Capitalism. Woohoo!

Because of the enormous profits made by General Motors, Goldman-Sachs, Citibank, and other top companies during this period, these businesses will all chip in and give $2,333 to every man, woman and child in the United States (that's over 700 billion dollars!), proving once again that giant corporations, if giving the chance, will indeed do the right thing.

Latter Gay Saints
California residents, in a rather vulgar display of power, will take advantage of their great numbers to band together and donate large sums of money to sponsor a new “Gay Marriage” bill, making same-sex marriage not only legal, but mandatory in the state of Utah.

When asked what motivated these West coast liberals to fund a bill concerning Utah, of all places, spokesperson Richard Puller will say “Oh, I don't know... we just really like screwing with Mormons, I guess.”

The 2nd Coming (part 11)
On February 8th, 2008, Anna Nicole Smith will rise from the dead, spit on her own grave, and then ascend into Heaven in a shaft of golden light. When she gets there, God will ask “So... how did it go?”, to which she will reply “Not good. Those idiots didn't get what I was saying at all.”

Then, after taking a shower and changing into into some clean clothes, she and God will have brunch.

“Listen, Daddy” she'll say. “Next time you do one of these 'Messiah' thingies, why don't you just send down another bearded guy? I think they were expecting a bearded guy. They seem to have a thing about bearded guys down there.”

“Hey, that's what I did last time, and look what happened. They nailed him to a piece of wood, for crying out loud.”

“Yeah, well, getting crucified in the media is no picnic, either. Why in the world did you send me down there, anyway?”

“I dunno. I thought maybe I'd sex it up a little. I feel like I'm running out of ideas, here. Hmmm... I guess I could always send down a black, one-legged, lesbian midget... we haven't tried that one yet...”

The Tell-Tale Duck
Ok, this last one's a little fuzzy, but I think it will basically happen like this:

OJ Simpson will follow up his 2006 suspense thriller “If I Did It” with a new book entitled “No, Really, I Did It. I'm, Like, Totally A Murderer.” Later that same year, he will complete the trilogy with “Look, I Stabbed My Wife and Her Lover To Death, OK? Would You Please Send Me to Freaking Jail, Already?”

He will then be arrested (and this is the part that's fuzzy) for running an illegal duck fighting operation out of his home. The jury will find him guilty, and he will be sentenced to 883 years in a maximum security prison.

Eventually, he will escape from prison, flee to Argentina, and write a book called “By The Way , I Also Killed This Homeless Guy Back In 1989.”

What A Year
Wow. What an interesting year 2008 is going to be, and I for one wouldn't want to miss a second of it. I have a feeling that, for me, this is going to be an especially good year. A year of hope, you might say. And change, too. I don't know why, but the words "hope" and "change" seem to be stuck in my head.

Anyway, it's going to be a blast, so enjoy it while you can (because 2009 is really going to suck).


C'est La Craic said...

Excellent post. Loved it.

Captain Smack said...

Thank you. Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I really do think it's my best post this year.

Ms Smack said...

This is the best Christmas present a girl can ask for!

Thanks so much for coming back and thanks so much for visiting my little blog.

Missed you so much and I hope you and yours are very well!

Lots of it,

Captain Smack said...

Hey, it's good to be back. I'd forgotten how much fun this was. I mean, you know, even though I was actually only gone for a week (yes, I'm still sticking to my I've-been-in-a-coma-for-the-last-year-and-still-don't-realize-it's-2009 premise).

Speaking of which, I was going through my links and couldn't believe how many blogs have dropped out since my last post. Really glad you are still around and doing your thing, Ms Smack.

Old Knudsen said...

That was the longest rehab stint you've had yet. It may take a year to cum up with a post but its a corker.

Ms Smack said...

Smack! You're still a legend. Most of Australia looks like Beachport, by the way! You'd love it

Happy New Year, sexy!

Captain Smack said...


Hey, those rehab people have all the best drugs, not to mention the great connections you can make in those places. I now buy directly from a U.S. Senator's daughter, which means high quality and very little risk of sting operations.

Ms Smack:

Hey, if it weren't for the dinner plate-sized spiders, I'd be there already.

Ms Smack said...

They're a myth!!! Really :)

I have a video of Beachport surf if you wanna see it!

Drop me an email eh?


rose said...

see, my routine used to go like this: get into work, read your blog, then start my day with a laugh.

then you left and i was back to actually having to work :)

good to have you back
you have been missed.

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack:
A myth, huh? And I suppose the claim that 22 of the 25 most poisonous snakes on the planet reside in Australia is a myth, too. And what about that story about people getting dragged away to their deaths by giant, man-eating dingos, is that a myth?

I don't know, Ms Smack. I want to believe you, but I'm going to have to do some more research on this. I'll get back to you.

God, Rose, I feel horrible. Just horrible. I really had no idea that me not blogging would cause anyone to have to work. That goes against everything I stand for.

gimme a minute said...

Well, thank fuck for that.

I don't suppose you could provide a detailed list of the substances and quantities which produced this year long nap?

I could use me one of those.

Captain Smack said...

Sure, no problem.

2 grams of Afghanistan hashish, which is to be smoked off and on throughout the night. Start with small tokes and then increase gradually.

3 fuccitols (the 150 milligram ones, not the regular ones), preferably washed down with Southern Comfort whiskey if at all possible. If that brand isn't available, Old Granddad will probably work.

2 Percocets and 3 Demerols, which should be crushed up together and snorted off the ass of an Asian hooker. I prefer Vietnamese hookers, but any Asian hooker will do. You may want to snort some of the Southern Comfort first, to make sure your nasal passages are cleared out.

5 Brain Bombs, all taken at once as soon as you notice your ability to use language disappear. Brain Bombs (also known as "Vitamin R") may be hard to come by, as a they are not yet widely available (a friend of mine just recently invented them in his garage).

6 strips of raw bacon. I don't know if this actually had any effect, but you can never be too careful.

18 ounces of pure spring water (you'll want to stay hydrated, as the convulsions tend to make you sweat a lot).

Those are the basic chemicals. I may have forgotten a couple, it's hard to say. Also, I have no idea what the emergency technicians may have pumped into me afterwords, so you might want keep a couple shots of pure adrenalin on hand, just in case you notice your heart not beating. Oh, and try not to eat or sleep for a couple of days before hand. Hope this helps.

Ms Smack said...

Those things only bite you if you stick your hand in their nest!!

Like any country, eh? :)

Ute said...

zomg..this is like only THE bestest return evah!

it's even bigger than say, "friends", or "seinfield"... or dare i say, "the golden girls"?!

welcome back Captain... =)

oh, and btw...forget the snakes and spiders and dingos in's the drop bears ya gotta worry about. =/

Zoning Out Again said...

Is it really YOU? Are you really back for good this time? I don't know if I can bear another one of these drug induced comas, and let's be honest, it's not like it can't happen again. So... to get addicted to you again ...or not? Hmmm. Ah, what the hell. WELCOME BACK! By the way, I'm communicating with you from my own coma. :0P

EmmaK said...

where the fuck have you been? abducted by aliens or been the sex slave of a very beautiful woman and kept in a locked room? pray tell

Cooper Green said...

The Smack Is Back, 373 days later. The world will be a different place again. Welcome, and thanks for dropping by my place.

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack:
What? you have entire NESTS of these things? This is not sounding good...

What the hell are Drop Bears? Do I even want to know? I'm picture sneaky bears dropping out of trees. Do these things have nests too? No, no, no, this isn't sounding good at all.

Jesus, no wonder Australians are always so heavily armed.

Heeey, there you are. Yeah, I think I'm off the comas for a while. Hey, what can I say? Sometimes I need my beauty sleep.

I've tried to get abducted by aliens, actually, but they seem to have no interest in me.

"Smack Is Back", I like that. I'm picturing one of those action movie trailers, with those words flashing on the screen in giant letters, interspersed with flashy explosions. That would be killer.

Ms Smack said...

I guess our dangerous wildlife is a way of screening out pussies coming to our shores, eh? :)

Ute said...

Drop Bears...

You have been warned!

Prunella Jones said...

Oh good, I'm glad you aren't dead. Now I can collect that back child support! BTW, little Ozzie Danzig would love a visit from you, Papa.

Zoning Out Again said...

Does Uber know you're back? We were planning on stealing your posts and re-posting them on our own blogs. We never got around to it. Thought we had more time since we believed you for dead. Damn.

Son of Incogneato said...

I MUST have a Capt. Smack Approves sticker on my blog, or else. I write semi-sick things on Burning Lines, so that should qualify for something. Plus, I’m like this really cool artist. More required? You wanted more Capt. on Burning Lines, I gave you more Capt. Now I want the sticker of approval. It’s really quite simple, huh? And I never said LOL until now, even though I have wept open tears here at this, your blogspot.

Son of Incogneato

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack:
Don't think I don't see what you're doing.

Somebody once told me that Koala bears do not have assholes, that they (warning: this next bit is disgusting) secrete feces through their skin. Like, they literally sweat shit. I would ask you if this is true, but I'm starting to have a hard time believing anything an Aussie tells me.

Aquatic drop bears... really...

My lawyer (well, he's not so much a lawyer as a guy I know who has a lot of "legal" experience) warned me not to pay any child support, said you would just blow it doing lines with your Hollywood friends.

That's ok, I steal most of my posts from Old Knudsen anyway. He writes so many, I doubt he really keeps track of who posted what in the first place.

Captain Smack said...

Son of Incogneato:
Ok. I see that your credentials are all in order, and since I do actually approve, sure, use my stamp.

By the way, that reminds me... I've noticed a few of these "Hacked by Smack" banners here and there on people's blogs... what the hell's that all about? Anyone know?

Ute said...

Oh no, they have assholes. How else would you account for Gay koala's?!

They crap like you or I...well...not like you or I..but they do crap. Just smaller. =)

"Hacked by Smack"- maybe you should go read Shelley's blog to understand where it's all started from.

Captain Smack said...

Oh, is it that crap? Jesus, I leave for a year and it's like I haven't been gone a day. I think I'm starting to feel another coma coming on...

Oh, wait... nope. Just had to sneeze.

Ms Smack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Your story is reminding me of that Dallas episode from many years ago....It was all a dream....

Kitty said...

oh my gawd every blossom that collectively make my lady garden stood on end when i saw you in my box!!!

for joy! captain smack is back.

*happy dancing*


Ms Smack said...

See how much your adoring fans missed you, Capt?

Cunning_Linguist said...

Ya know.... I asked everybody where you went. Some said the whole bum killing spree thing. Others said you moved to a village to go help inbred circus midgets. I called them a liar,though. I knew there was no way you'd just pick up and move to Pennsylvania like that. Glad to see ya back, bud.

Steph said...

Dude, I'm so happy you're back. Your absence made me actually believe - for just a few moments - that I may have risen in esteem in the blog world. I'm glad to have you back to crush my dreams and kick me back down the stairs to the basement of blogdom.

Then again, I'd enjoy getting kicked in the teeth for a good laugh too. Kick-ass post, can't wait to catch up with Elvis and Jesus!

Josh said...

I think I must have been in the same drug induced coma...It only feels like seven days since your last post.

Now either close the back of that hospital gown or put some clothes on, your bum is hanging in the breeze.


Welcome back, Kotter!

Ms Smack said...

Capt, left some goodies on your server.


LOL@ Ms. Smack couldn't hack her pc would say differently!


Oh btw , I forgot to comment on the post.

You're a bugger. :)

Great comeback . :0

Now hit us with a WTFWJD!

Anonymous said...

I bet if you'd woken up in the gimcrack you wouldn't have run off so fast. Our nurses are pretty and we have the drugs.....

Captain Smack said...

A general note to anyone involved in the seemingly never-ending dispute mentioned above: I don't want that stuff on my blog. It's such a buzzkill. I know I'm the one who brought it up, but if I'd known what the Hacked X Smack thing meant, I'd never have mentioned it in the first place. I was just curious because the word "Smack" was used.

Ms Smack:
Hey, thanks for the tunes! I should send you some stuff I've discovered in the last year, I think you'll like it.

"LOL I can barely hack my hair."

Dear, I hate to crack the whip, but you are not above the rules. No LOL's. I'm gonna let it slide this time because I've been away for a while and maybe you forgot.

Sweet Cheeks:
I know, right? What a lame cop out that was. The Dallas episode, I mean, not me. No, my story was, like, totally real, and not a lame cop out at all...

Well, hell, I should visit your box more often. I can't wait to see how you'll react to next year's post (I did mention that I'm only going to be posting once a year, right?)

Cunning Linguist:
I don't know how that "bum killing spree" rumor got started, but the inbred circus midgets... that one may be true. That sounds like something I would do. It rings a bell, anyway, but I have all those huge memory gaps, so I can't be sure.

Geez, I'm kicking you down the stairs, kicking you in the teeth, crushing your dreams... no wonder you're so happy I'm back.

I totally know what you mean. It really does feel like I've only been gone for seven days. In fact, I think I need a little vacation, let my batteries recharge.

Hey, there you are, Uber. I was wondering when you'd come out of the woodwork.

Kotter? If anything, I'm more of a cross between Vinnie Barbarino and Horshack.

Now that's the kind of healthcare reform we need in this country. More pretty nurses and more drugs.

Ms Smack said...

I DID completely forget about the rule against that acronym! Thanks for the reminder and graciousness this time!


Just keeping your blog 'honest'.

Clyde said...

Geez, they force feed you through a tube in your anal tract, perfom those milking experiments on your testicles, give you a penis enlargement, and not one word of thanks to the medical staff.

How about a duet for the next return---Anna Nicole and the bearded son of a virgin----that will confuse the Jews

The Doozie said...

Ok, so I'm confused, are those your preditions you made last year? Where are the preditictions for 2009?

This one time I was sitting out on the deck sipping on a brewsky and enjoying the chirping of the nearby crickets. I felt something brush up against my leg. No was just the neighbor, Bill Clinton.

Captain Smack said...

A duet! Of course. Two messiahs are better than one. I'll make a note of it. I hope that hasn't already been done...

The Doozie:
Those are the predictions for this year, 2008. Why would I make predictions for 2009? That's a whole year away. Sheesh, get with the program.

Manuel said...

good to see you back old chap.......seriously......

Captain Smack said...

Why, thank you, my good man.

Jason said...

Awesome! so glad you returned. I was just starting to think checking back here was a waste of time.

Welcome back, Cap'n.

Ms Smack said...

PS. That Nick Cave track is magical.

scarlet-blue said...

Are you coming to join us on Burning Lines, Mr Captain? You would be most welcome. But I don't know what's going on at the moment.... [nothing new there then].
Btw, I am a blow up doll, hence the deflation... but I'm feeling much better now.

Jules said...

Oh so great to see you back. Now it must be testament to how much I enjoy your work that I still have you on my bloglines after a year's absence!! Hope the coma was enjoyable, I wish I'd been in one as my year was shithouse to say the least.

Here's to more rantings!!

*~Dani~* said...

Well, I would say welcome back, but I didn't know you in 2007 so that would just ring hollow. I will say thank you for stopping by my blog and bringing me to yours. That was a brilliant post and a great way to come back after a long absence. I am adding you to my reader so stick around and bring me more entertainment in 2009, er the next year, will ya?

Sydney said...

OK, I just died laughing at your suggestion in the comments on Bill Stankus's blog and I had to come see who you were. I'm glad I did. I will be back and will try not to write LOL, which I happen to find preferable to little yellow smiley faces.

Captain Smack said...

I was starting to think that, too.

Ms Smack:
Huh? Nick Cave? I didn't see any Nick Cave.

Ohhh... a blow up doll. Of course. It all makes sense now.

Geez, I sure am glad my blow up doll doesn't have a blog.

That's what I'm hearing. Starting to think I didn't miss much...

I was actually planning to only do posts on holidays, like Easter, Christmas, Willie Nelson's Beard Day, etc.

I hope Bill takes my advice. It's done wonders for my own blog.

Ms Smack said...

Capt, 'into my arm's' is Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds!

Captain Smack said...

That one must not have loaded up. All I got was three Powderfingers, a Ryan Adams, and a Jessica something (which was my favorite, by the way).

unique_stephen said...

hugs -- good to see you again.

Madam Z said...

Hallelujah! The Cap'n has risen! Oh...wait a minute...I have to clean the tears of joy off of the screen. There. Much better. Now - where was I? What time is it? Where am I? Who am I? And why? I suddenly feel hopeful...and changeable. Bless you, dearly beloved.

Richard Puller...heh, heh

Captain Smack said...

Stephen, there you are! I guess you're alive. Like me. We're both alive. How nice for us.

Madam Z:
I was hoping someone would get the Richard Puller thing, and you came through. Bless you, Madam.

( . )( . ) said...

That was a long nap. Glad to see your back. I stumbled on your blog on your last post, and then wondered if you would ever come back.

About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.