Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Jesus and Elvis: Happy Birthday, Jesus!




Elvis: Ok, you got your eyes closed?

Jesus: Yes, they're closed.

Elvis: Ok, now, don't open 'em up 'till I say so, alright?

Jesus: You know, you really didn't have to do this, Elvis. I told you not to get me anything this year...

Elvis: What, like I ain't gonna get my best bud something on his special day? C'mon, now, you know me better than that, I hope.

Jesus: Can I open my eyes now?

Elvis: Not yet... let me just get it set up here... man, these things are complicated...

Jesus: I'm starting to get dizzy.

Elvis: Hold on... ok, I got it. Alright, open your eyes.

(Jesus opens his eyes)

Elvis: Surprise! Happy birthday!

Jesus: Oh. Wow. Look at that. Say, that's really nice. Wow. Thanks, Elvis!

Elvis: You like it?

Jesus: Oh, yes. That looks great. That's really... something. A very nice gift, Elvis. Yes. Definitely.

(they look at it for a moment)

Elvis: You don't know what it is, do you?

Jesus: No, but it looks expensive.

Elvis: It's a Wii.

Jesus: A what?

Elvis: A Wii, man. You don't know what a Wii is?

Jesus: No, what's a Wii?

Elvis: What's a Wii??? Only the best freaking gaming system ever invented, dude, that's what! You kidding me?

Jesus: It's a video game? Hey, well, that's nice. I like video games. I used to frequent the arcade quite a bit, back in the day. Does it play Space Invaders?

Elvis: Naw, man, it don't play Space Invaders. Video games have come a long way since the 70's...

Jesus: That was a good game. I never understood exactly why the space invaders were attacking us, but eliminating them just felt like the right thing to do. Under the circumstances, that is.

Elvis: Do what?

Jesus: I also enjoyed Pacman for a while.

Elvis: Oh, really? You had Pacman Fever?

Jesus: I did. Until I figured out what the game was really about.

Elvis: What it was about? Pacman was about something?

Jesus: Pacman was about consumerism. It was all about seeing how much you could consume before you died. Your whole life is spent eating yellow dots – consuming products – while trying to avoid the reality of of your own death.

Elvis: Do what?

Jesus: That was what the ghosts represented. Mortality. They were always coming to get you, and the Pacman's whole existence was based on avoiding them while devouring as much crap as he could fit his mouth around. But there was death, always around the corner, and no matter how much you consumed, they always got you in the end. You never noticed that?

Elvis: I don't know. I guess I never thought about it before. What about Ms Pacman? What was that about?

Jesus: I don't know, I never played Ms Pacman. But Space Invaders... now that was a good game. Protecting your planet from evil forces... that's the kind of game I can really--

Elvis: Just wait until you experience the Wii, man. Space Invaders, Schmace Invaders. You down for this? You ready to rock?

Jesus: Ok, sure. I'm ready to rock. Let's play something.

Elvis: Ok, let's see... let me pick out something good, here... let's see, we have "Forces of Evil"... hmmm... "Highschool Massacre", that's a pretty good one... we got "Psycho Killer", I ain't played it yet, but it looks promising... oh, here's one, this one looks pretty good – "Cut Your Balls Off, Two". Let's play that.

Jesus: "Cut Your Balls Off"?

Elvis: Two. "Cut Your Balls Off, Two". I played the original, "Cut Your Balls Off", and it was pretty damn good. They say that CYBO2 is way better. Killer graphics.

Jesus: It sounds awfully violent...

Elvis: Yeah, it kicks ass. Alright, let me just pop it in. You want to go first?

Jesus: Why don't you go ahead and go first. I'll just watch.

Elvis: Alright, then. Man, I been dying to play this thing...

(Elvis starts playing)

Jesus: Oh... oh, my. Oh, wow. That really is violent. Is this a video game? It looks so realistic.

Elvis: I know, don't it? Look at how that guy's blood splashes right up on the screen.

Jesus: Why are you trying to kill that guy? You sure this thing doesn't play Space Invaders?

Elvis: Here, watch this... I'm gonna stab this guy in the nuts...

Jesus: I can't look...

Elvis: Dammit... he's a fast little fucker. Alright, let me get out my chainsaw. I'm going to cut this fucker's balls off if it's the last thing I... ah, shit! He fucking killed me. I'm fucking dead. Shit.

Jesus: Well, you can hardly blame him. You had a chainsaw.

Elvis: Yeah, I guess. Alright, your turn, JC.

Jesus: You know what? I think I'll pass for now.

Elvis: Really? You don't wanna play?

Jesus: It's just... I dunno. It's very violent. It's not really my thing. I am “Jesus”, you know.

Elvis: So you don't wanna play?

Jesus: Maybe later. After breakfast.

Elvis: Ok, then. So... so what did you get me?

Jesus: Say what?

Elvis: What did you get me? For Christmas?

Jesus: What do you mean?

Elvis: Don't tell me you didn't get me nothing. You didn't get me anything for Christmas?

Jesus: I'm supposed to get you something on my birthday? How does that work, exactly?

Elvis: Man, it's Christmas! Of course you're supposed to get me something. Ain't you got no Christmas spirit?

Jesus: Elvis, I am Christmas spirit. Literally. Hey, I always get you something on your birthday, don't I?

Elvis: Yeah, but it's Christmas.

Jesus: Alright, alright... tell you what I'll do. Your birthday's in two weeks, right?

Elvis: Yep. I'm a Capricorn, JC, just like you.

Jesus: Ok, then, tell you what. How about I give you your birthday present right now.

Elvis: Really? You already have a birthday present for me?

Jesus: I sure do. I've got something I'm sure you'll like.

Elvis: Well, ok then. That'll work. You want me to close my eyes?

Jesus: Yes, close your eyes... you got 'em closed?

Elvis: They're closed.

Jesus: No peeking, now... let me just get it set up, here... ok, almost finished... one more second... ok, it's ready. Open your eyes.

(Elvis opens his eyes)

Jesus: Happy birthday! I mean, Merry Christmas!

Elvis: (gasp!)... Oh my god! It's a Wii! I don't believe it! You got me a Wii! And the whole time you was acting like you didn't even know what a Wii was...

Jesus: (cough)

Elvis: Wait a minute... this is the same Wii I just gave you, isn't it?

Jesus: Well... I just think you'll get more out of it than me, that's all. So, do you like it?

Elvis: Like it? I love it, JC. It's exactly what I wanted.

Jesus: Yeah. I had a feeling...

Elvis: The perfect gift. You really nailed it this year. Hey, let's play something! How about we play "Cut Off Your Head And Shit Down Your Neck"... that's a two-person game. You wanna be the good guy or the bad guy? I like playing the bad guy.

Jesus: You go ahead and play. I think I'm going to fix some breakfast.

Elvis: Oh, ok then... well, Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Jesus: And Merry Christmas to you, Elvis. Hey, how much bacon do you want with your eggs?

Elvis: Oh, hell, man... just pile it on. You know me.

Jesus: Indeed.

61 comments:

Buffalo said...

Captain, thanks for all the good reading. Merry Christmas.

EmmaK said...

Hi Captain. Where were you? My guess is you were a couple of weeks on the toilet trying to push out a pretty tough turd? Am I close?
Merry Christmas
xx

Ms Smack said...

Hey mate. I'm glad you didn't split :)

As usual, a wonderful Jesus and Elvis piece. Now I can see that this is what you were painstakingly putting together for all of your fans!

:)

Hope you have a restful safe festive season.

Cheers
C

Madam Z said...

I knew it! I just KNEW you would have a Christmas present for me! And Captain, it was worth waiting for; believe me. You are the Prince of piece d' resistants!"

Miss B said...

aww, captain... i just had a feeling i should come check out your page... cool post! my brother has a wii, we played at thanksgiving when i was out there. it was kickass! i have to have one for the new year... drunk boxing, dude! :)

hope your holidays are fabulous-great to see you back!

muse said...

Happy Birthday-and Merry Christmas! Man you have cool guests it your parties. Didn't mention any Jello shots but I'm sure they were killer too.

Ms Smack said...

I was soooo there when Jesus and Elvis had this chat. I think these ditties are getting better and better! Maybe you should start collecting them into a little coffee book design for sale!

Captain Smack said...

Buffalo:
Merry Christmas, Buffalo. Nice to see you back in action.


Emma:
Yes, that's it. And then I shot my TV set. They made me stay in a special room until I promised to take my happy pill every day. Hope you had a great Christmas.


Ms Smack:
Exactly. It takes a while to write these Jesus/Elvis things. It's not easy channeling both of them at once.


Madam Z:
Ooo, I like that... "Prince of Piece"... say, can I use that?

Merry Christmas, Madam.


Miss B:
I hear the wii is pretty wicked, haven't actually seen one for real. Drunk boxing? That's a game? Hell, I can do that at the Irish pub down the street.

Hope you're having a wonderful Christmas, Ms B.


Muse:
Elvis did all the jello shots before anyone else even arrived, the mooch. Merry Christmas!

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack:
Hmmm... we may have to give you a marketing job here at Smack Labs Ltd.

robbierotton said...

WTF is She doin under the turntables?

R U into that foot-fetish bollocks?

The geezer with his hand on his hip looks a right poof - watch yourself Captain!

LO- fucking - L

Only popped in to find a link to Ms Smack - She's a saucy bitch!!!

Helen said...

That's Elvis on the Wii alright, Takin' Care of Business.

Erica AP said...

Choppin' Brocolli!! Or balls... Whatever floats your boat. Happy Holidays to you Mr. Smack.

Madam Z said...

You may use anything of mine that you like, Cap'n.

Hot Lemon said...

Oh, those two!!

GT said...

Jesus could buy Elvis Guitar Hero 3 for the Wii for his birthday. Elvis probably wouldnt be up to date with the songs on it though.

Ms Smack said...

OH Madam, you STRUMPET hahaha

Captain Smack said...

Robbie:
"R U into that foot-fetish bollocks?"

I wouldn't say that, although I do enjoy a good foot-rub from time to time.


Helen:
He knows how to have a good time. Especially if it doesn't require too much physical exertion.


Erica:
And Happy Holidays to you, Ms Putis.


Madam Z:
Oh, really? I will keep that in mind, Madam.


Hot Lemon:
They're just so wacky, aren't they?


GT:
That's alright - once he starts shaking that leg, the music just sort of takes care of itself.


Ms Smack:
Oh, she's just being generous. It's the season for giving, you know.

jalicook.wordpress.com said...

'Bout time!

It be callin' me man... it be callin' me and yet another day went by with no Cap'n.

Good thing for you that it was good.

Hmmmph.

Zoning Out Again said...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS CAP!!!!
It is you right?
No....Ghost writers?

kiki said...

i'm not going to comment anything meaningful until you answer all the comments on the previous post

Ms Smack said...

Have a great New Year celebration, Capt.

UBERMOUTH said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
UBERMOUTH said...

OH, I love these two( but are they gay?) Can I be killed for saying that? And why is Jesus cooking for Elvis given that he is wayyyyyyyyyy more famous. Sorta.

I didn't receive my diamond necklace!

:(

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

You wouldn't think they could improve on CYBO, but I guess they did! Happy New Year, Cap'n.

Mister Underhill said...

I heart bacon so much, but even Ic an't eat bacon while playing CYBO2

Zoning Out Again said...

Yeah Uber, I agree, but why is Jesus cooking "BREAKFAST"?
It leaves a lot to the imagination doesn't it?

Jules said...

I totally get your point, I think!!

I love the old atari games. whatever happened to atari.

Happy New Year and look forward to more great smackings in 2008

Ms Smack said...

I was a Frogger kind of girl, personally. Pacman well, bored me. That didn't stop me sitting there for hours though.

Buffalo said...

Did Elvis and Jesus have a good New Year's.

jali said...

jali gets up on desk in the classroom...

"Oh captain, my captain..."

So... where was Chuck Norris when all of this was going on?

Josh said...

Gee wizz, I always had Elvis pinned as a Guitar Hero kinda guy...who would have thunk it.

Damn funny read and such a scary psychological assessment of Pac Man.

Happy new year cap'n.

Diarrhea of the Mouth said...

I'm with Jesus, i won't want a Wii. but i love for Jesus to make me breakfest. hell, i love for anyone to make me breakfest.

MsPuddin said...

Your back! (kinda)

Man anything but guitar hero…damn. I didn’t know Elvis and Jesus were a totally hot gay couple, thanks for the update.

Mister Underhill said...

I am not sure I needed a graphic description of elvis trying to convince Jesus to play with his wii.

$teve said...

Happy New Year, Cpt. Smack!!! First time reader...but I love this blog. I'll be checking back. Thanks for the insight into two of my favorite historical figures.

Josh said...

Ok, I have been waiting for you to come back for like ages and now I really need a wii.

I bet you post again while I am in the bathroom.....

Old Knudsen said...

I take it yer back on yer meds again.

Zoning Out Again said...

Okay, it's almost been a month now. That's been your schedule. One post a month. I know....who am I to talk? In fact, Uber made accusations over at my place!
She said "I am getting mighty suspicious why you and Capt Smack only put in occasional appearances!"
The innuendo is so much more exciting than the truth.
At least my truth. :0)
So what's yours?

Mike from Adelaide said...

Maybe Captain Smack really is dead this time.....

Madam Z said...

Okay, it's been OVER a month now! Drag your rotting corpse out of the grave and give us zombies a reason to pretend to live!

morbid misanthrope said...

I thought Pacman was supposed to represent the Yellow Peril. You know, with all of the Chinese ghost hunters building railroads while eating magic fruit to keep from getting land scurvy. Have you ever read a history book? I mean, your--or Jesus', rather--theory is cute and everything, but it's a stretch. Great post anyway, Cap'm.

Miss B said...

hello?

echo...

*sigh*

Old Knudsen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EmmaK said...

you really are a prick tease. you return briefly to tease and tantilize us only to disappear again. Ah the sweet sweet agony of waiting for your return.

UBERMOUTH said...

*sobbing uncontrollably*
CAptainnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn come backkkkkkkkk I mmmmmmmiss you like HELLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
OH where have you gone???????
This is a tragedy!

UBERMOUTH said...

All right! I'm sorry. :)

Steph said...

Captain, I'm going to come out there and secrete you to my cave here in California where I will force-feed you ganga brownies and make you update!

Wireless said...

Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Wireless, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://wireless-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.

Madam Z said...

Tomorrow is your big day, Captain. Will you be resurrected?

WWJD? god only knows.

Ms Smack said...

He's gone, Madam. He was talking about it months before this happened.

Sad but true. I can't help but check here once in awhile in the idle hope that he might return with his own unique wisdom and sense of humour.

I can only hope that his real life is far more entertaining, rich and wholesome than the hollow halls of the blogosphere.

N. Steven said...

so. i guess i was too late, huh? missed the SmackTrain? ah well. i shall pass by one day soon.

UBERMOUTH said...

I can report that I have just heard from the Captain and all is well and the rest none of your business. LOL

Zoning Out Again said...

OH COME ON UBER!!!!! You can come over and tell ME can't you???? Hmmmmm???? Pretty Please!!!!
I've been too depressed to blog ever since his disappearance (which I had nothing to do with).
Come on Pal!

Cunning_Linguist said...

tell him we all collectively said "LOL"

Ms Smack said...

I saw you CAPT SMACK!!!

Ms Smack said...

I had a sighting of Capt Smack at a friends' blog. I hope you make an appearance on your birthday!!

It's tomorrow!!

That means you come to Australia before the rest of the world!

Like Santa!

:)

Aon said...

Merry Christmas, Captain.

The Lazy Dragon said...

It's New Years, so maybe I've had a little too much champagne, but I honestly think this is the funniest thing I've ever read on a blog.

I can't wait to read the rest of your blog, you are hilarious.

milly (elephants&redwoods) said...

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAH

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nihilist said...

I really wanna make love to you in slow motion captain

About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.