Elvis: Ok, you got your eyes closed?
Jesus: Yes, they're closed.
Elvis: Ok, now, don't open 'em up 'till I say so, alright?
Jesus: You know, you really didn't have to do this, Elvis. I told you not to get me anything this year...
Elvis: What, like I ain't gonna get my best bud something on his special day? C'mon, now, you know me better than that, I hope.
Jesus: Can I open my eyes now?
Elvis: Not yet... let me just get it set up here... man, these things are complicated...
Jesus: I'm starting to get dizzy.
Elvis: Hold on... ok, I got it. Alright, open your eyes.
(Jesus opens his eyes)
Elvis: Surprise! Happy birthday!
Jesus: Oh. Wow. Look at that. Say, that's really nice. Wow. Thanks, Elvis!
Elvis: You like it?
Jesus: Oh, yes. That looks great. That's really... something. A very nice gift, Elvis. Yes. Definitely.
(they look at it for a moment)
Elvis: You don't know what it is, do you?
Jesus: No, but it looks expensive.
Elvis: It's a Wii.
Jesus: A what?
Elvis: A Wii, man. You don't know what a Wii is?
Jesus: No, what's a Wii?
Elvis: What's a Wii??? Only the best freaking gaming system ever invented, dude, that's what! You kidding me?
Jesus: It's a video game? Hey, well, that's nice. I like video games. I used to frequent the arcade quite a bit, back in the day. Does it play Space Invaders?
Elvis: Naw, man, it don't play Space Invaders. Video games have come a long way since the 70's...
Jesus: That was a good game. I never understood exactly why the space invaders were attacking us, but eliminating them just felt like the right thing to do. Under the circumstances, that is.
Elvis: Do what?
Jesus: I also enjoyed Pacman for a while.
Elvis: Oh, really? You had Pacman Fever?
Jesus: I did. Until I figured out what the game was really about.
Elvis: What it was about? Pacman was about something?
Jesus: Pacman was about consumerism. It was all about seeing how much you could consume before you died. Your whole life is spent eating yellow dots – consuming products – while trying to avoid the reality of of your own death.
Elvis: Do what?
Jesus: That was what the ghosts represented. Mortality. They were always coming to get you, and the Pacman's whole existence was based on avoiding them while devouring as much crap as he could fit his mouth around. But there was death, always around the corner, and no matter how much you consumed, they always got you in the end. You never noticed that?
Elvis: I don't know. I guess I never thought about it before. What about Ms Pacman? What was that about?
Jesus: I don't know, I never played Ms Pacman. But Space Invaders... now that was a good game. Protecting your planet from evil forces... that's the kind of game I can really--
Elvis: Just wait until you experience the Wii, man. Space Invaders, Schmace Invaders. You down for this? You ready to rock?
Jesus: Ok, sure. I'm ready to rock. Let's play something.
Elvis: Ok, let's see... let me pick out something good, here... let's see, we have "Forces of Evil"... hmmm... "Highschool Massacre", that's a pretty good one... we got "Psycho Killer", I ain't played it yet, but it looks promising... oh, here's one, this one looks pretty good – "Cut Your Balls Off, Two". Let's play that.
Jesus: "Cut Your Balls Off"?
Elvis: Two. "Cut Your Balls Off, Two". I played the original, "Cut Your Balls Off", and it was pretty damn good. They say that CYBO2 is way better. Killer graphics.
Jesus: It sounds awfully violent...
Elvis: Yeah, it kicks ass. Alright, let me just pop it in. You want to go first?
Jesus: Why don't you go ahead and go first. I'll just watch.
Elvis: Alright, then. Man, I been dying to play this thing...
(Elvis starts playing)
Jesus: Oh... oh, my. Oh, wow. That really is violent. Is this a video game? It looks so realistic.
Elvis: I know, don't it? Look at how that guy's blood splashes right up on the screen.
Jesus: Why are you trying to kill that guy? You sure this thing doesn't play Space Invaders?
Elvis: Here, watch this... I'm gonna stab this guy in the nuts...
Jesus: I can't look...
Elvis: Dammit... he's a fast little fucker. Alright, let me get out my chainsaw. I'm going to cut this fucker's balls off if it's the last thing I... ah, shit! He fucking killed me. I'm fucking dead. Shit.
Jesus: Well, you can hardly blame him. You had a chainsaw.
Elvis: Yeah, I guess. Alright, your turn, JC.
Jesus: You know what? I think I'll pass for now.
Elvis: Really? You don't wanna play?
Jesus: It's just... I dunno. It's very violent. It's not really my thing. I am “Jesus”, you know.
Elvis: So you don't wanna play?
Jesus: Maybe later. After breakfast.
Elvis: Ok, then. So... so what did you get me?
Jesus: Say what?
Elvis: What did you get me? For Christmas?
Jesus: What do you mean?
Elvis: Don't tell me you didn't get me nothing. You didn't get me anything for Christmas?
Jesus: I'm supposed to get you something on my birthday? How does that work, exactly?
Elvis: Man, it's Christmas! Of course you're supposed to get me something. Ain't you got no Christmas spirit?
Jesus: Elvis, I am Christmas spirit. Literally. Hey, I always get you something on your birthday, don't I?
Elvis: Yeah, but it's Christmas.
Jesus: Alright, alright... tell you what I'll do. Your birthday's in two weeks, right?
Elvis: Yep. I'm a Capricorn, JC, just like you.
Jesus: Ok, then, tell you what. How about I give you your birthday present right now.
Elvis: Really? You already have a birthday present for me?
Jesus: I sure do. I've got something I'm sure you'll like.
Elvis: Well, ok then. That'll work. You want me to close my eyes?
Jesus: Yes, close your eyes... you got 'em closed?
Elvis: They're closed.
Jesus: No peeking, now... let me just get it set up, here... ok, almost finished... one more second... ok, it's ready. Open your eyes.
(Elvis opens his eyes)
Jesus: Happy birthday! I mean, Merry Christmas!
Elvis: (gasp!)... Oh my god! It's a Wii! I don't believe it! You got me a Wii! And the whole time you was acting like you didn't even know what a Wii was...
Elvis: Wait a minute... this is the same Wii I just gave you, isn't it?
Jesus: Well... I just think you'll get more out of it than me, that's all. So, do you like it?
Elvis: Like it? I love it, JC. It's exactly what I wanted.
Jesus: Yeah. I had a feeling...
Elvis: The perfect gift. You really nailed it this year. Hey, let's play something! How about we play "Cut Off Your Head And Shit Down Your Neck"... that's a two-person game. You wanna be the good guy or the bad guy? I like playing the bad guy.
Jesus: You go ahead and play. I think I'm going to fix some breakfast.
Elvis: Oh, ok then... well, Happy Birthday, Jesus!
Jesus: And Merry Christmas to you, Elvis. Hey, how much bacon do you want with your eggs?
Elvis: Oh, hell, man... just pile it on. You know me.