Friday, January 9, 2009

Artificial Unintelligence




When I was a little kid, I thought that being smart was the main thing in life. I just assumed that that's what it was all about. Of course, I was pretty stupid back then. It was only later, in highschool, that I started to realize just how insignificant intelligence actually is when it comes to things like happiness, success, receiving oral sex, etc.

It seemed that everywhere I looked I saw brilliant people who were underpaid, miserable, and alone, while happy idiots where making money, getting laid, and cheering at the latest Steven Seagal movie. Not only did intelligence appear to have very few practical applications in the real world, it actually seemed to get in the way.

To give you an example of the kinds of things I was noticing back then, I present to you a couple of snippets from two separate conversations I'd witnessed, both on the topic of sports. One of the following statements was spoken by a guy named Pete, who was socially awkward, and generally felt alienated from his peers. The other was expressed by a guy everyone called "Muley", who dated a cheerleader and was admired by many. Let's see if you can guess which guy said what:

Statement #1

"You know, I think it's interesting how closely American football mimics actual war. The coach acts as the General, directing strategy, but staying out of the battles themselves. Meanwhile, the players are focused on acquiring yardage, which, of course, is based on land acquisition and the procurement of resources. I bet that, on a mass subconscious level, this is why the game gets so much support from the media and business community, not to mention our educational institutions."


Statement #2

"Shit! Dude! The Miami Dolphins fucking KICK ASS!" (then he makes a series of guttural, baboon-like noises)

Did I mention that Muley wasn't even rich, or particularly attractive? His girlfriend, however, was spectacular. Ridiculously hot. She was the kind of girl that could walk into a room and cause other girls to instantly develop eating disorders. She was even kind of nice.

I couldn't figure it out. It didn't add up. Then it dawned on me that maybe that wasn't the problem, but rather the solution. Maybe it didn't need to add up... maybe I should quit wasting so much energy on adding everything up, and focus on getting with the fucking Program for a change...

At the age of sixteen, I set a personal goal to kill as many braincells as I could get my hands on.

And I did. I actually found many of the murdering techniques to be quite fun. The only problem was that no matter how many braincell population-control methods I employed, I just couldn't seem to get rid of the little cocksuckers fast enough. I didn't know exactly how many of those things were in there in the first place, but my efforts just did not appear to be paying off.

Well, during a beach vacation I took a while back, I think I finally made some real progress in this area. I used a comprehensive, three-pronged strategy. I was coming at it from multiple angles at once, a cerebral blitzkrieg operation. One night I fell down the back deck stairs, landed flat on my back with a loud "WHAP", and said "Holy shit! Look at the fucking stars!"

I then stood up and proclaimed loudly that I, Captain F. Smack, was going to walk across that long, old, narrow, uneven, rickety, wooden peer to the beach, goddammit - but my more sensible companion managed to talk me out of it. It was a long way to the nearest hospital, she pointed out.

That's ok. I didn't need to fall off a peer. Between the Chartreuse, the stairs, and the head-shaped dent I left in the ground, I probably nailed at least a couple hundred thousand braincells right there, and I wasn't even trying that hard.

And that was just the first night. I won't get into all the sordid details, but let's just say I caught a wave and rode that baby all the way to shore. My skull had become somewhat of a braincell deathcamp.

Admittedly, I didn't notice very much progress at first. When you're at the beach, with each day slowly rolling by with no demands, no need for creative problem solving, and nothing very complex to negotiate, it can be difficult to gauge exactly where you're at on the smart/dumb scale.

There were very few challenges. It seemed that each day we had only one thing to accomplish. One day it was to take the kayak out. Another day it was to fly the kite. There was one day when all I had to figure out was how to use the grill. Seriously. And there were at least a couple of days when we didn't do anything at all, we just sat around and blinked, like a couple of retarded lizards.

It wasn't until I returned home that I realized just how successful I had been in my IQ Reduction Scheme. I turned on the news to see if anything had happened in the world while I'd been away. All of the names, faces, wars, bombs, disasters and genocides went in one ear, wandered around in the dark awhile saying "Hello? Helloooooo?", bumped into each other a few times, and then stumbled out of the other ear, wondering what the hell that was all about.

I have to admit... at first, it was pretty nice. My thoughts were soft and round, and they just sort of quietly rolled about. They didn't have those sharp, distracting, well-defined edges, which can cause alarm and discomfort. I remember, at one point, picturing a giant hand just flipping a coin over and over again. I wasn't thinking about it, I was just thinking it. Automatic pilot, baby. It was awesome. I thought yeah... I could get used to this...

Then things began to take a turn.

I went out to my car, got in, and closed the door. I sat there for about 3 minutes trying to figure out why I was in my car, when I remembered "oh, yeah, I have to take those videos back to the video store". So I started my car, backed out into the street, and then realized that the videos were in my book bag. No problem. I pulled back in, got out of my car, went into the house and started looking around. I just kind of walked around the house for a while, looking here and there.

At one point it dawned on me that I wasn't actually attempting to locate any specific object. I was just sort of looking around. What the hell am I looking for? Oh, yeah, the videos. That's right. So I looked for my book bag for about 10 minutes before remembering that it was actually in the backseat of my car.

Hmmm. This whole "low intelligence" thing was starting to get annoying. Maybe I didn't think this through as well as I'd thought...

I got back in my car with the intention of going to the video store, and promptly drove to the nearest convenience store. I walked in and stood there, looking at the rows of Twinkies and Slim-jims before realizing that I didn't need anything from the convenience store. I was actually going to the video store. Right. The video store. I got back in my car and finally made it to the video store, which, by this time, was closed.

I started thinking that maybe I had made a terrible mistake. Do braincells grow back? Surely, they grow back, right? I made a mental note to Google it later (which I then forgot).

Later that night, as I sat reevaluating my strategy, it occurred to me that permanent brain damage isn't necessarily the best solution. Ignorance may be bliss, but video store late fees can really add up over time.

And, finally, the point of this post:

What we really need is a way to adjust our brain power on an as-needed basis. I think that, considering the strides we're making in the areas of neurology, chemistry, and electronics, we should start working on some sort of "IQ Dial" thingy.

I'm picturing it as a small knob, surgically implanted on the forehead. You could then adjust the intensity of your intelligence to the appropriate level, depending on the situation at hand. Basically a dimmer switch for your brain.


I can think of a LOT of situations where an IQ Dimmer would come in handy. Say you're at a company cookout, and your boss has had a few cocktails and decides to impress you with his keen insights into politics. Just set the dial to "Typical Idiot" and your head will effortlessly bob up and down in agreement.

Or maybe you're at a family reunion. These can be brutal when operating at full mental capacity, especially if there's no liquor available. But with the IQ Dimmer, you can just set the dial to "Easily Entertained" and listen with genuine interest as your aunt relays all of the details of her latest kidney stones.

Here's a situation I'm sure we've all faced at one time or another: you have a date with an exceptionally dumb, yet extremely attractive person. Normally, this means several hours of mind-numbing conversation, in exchange for maybe an hour (or 5 minutes, depending on whether or not you've been doing your kegels) of Happy Naked Fun Time.

But with the IQ Dimmer, it's no problem. Before you leave the house, just take a shower, throw on some clean clothes, and crank that dial down to "Practically Retarded". Finally, your brain and your genitals will be on the same page. Wouldn't that be nice?

The only problem I see with the IQ Dimmer is that if you crank it down too low, you may never remember to dial it back up. I suppose a simple timer could be added, so that after a predetermined period of time it automatically turns itself back up to full intelligence.

Of course, building a device such as this would require quite a bit of research and development, and millions, if not billions, of dollars. It would also take several years, maybe a decade or more, before it became available commercially. And once it did finally make it to market, it would probably cost a fortune to have one installed.


Then, on the other hand, if I wanted to make myself temporarily stupid, I suppose I could do what everyone else does, and just drink a few beers.

Hmmm...

Maybe I made this whole thing a little more complicated than it needed to be.

Nevermind.

54 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Drinking alcohol makes you foolish but is that the same thing as stupid? Maybe just lower your pants to reveal the top of your butt cleavage.

Rosie said...

i'm too mesmerised by the picture to read the post. which probably proves some point about my smarts.

is it moving?

no.

but... is it moving?

repead ad nauseum, or until i become nauseous.

Mrs Pouncer said...

It's a wonderful notion, and I would happily invest my not insignificant personal income into the necessary R&D. However, I am a raddled old binge-drinking ex-barbiturate addict, and that has been my salvation. It comes to us all with AGE, you see. All you have to do is wait a little bit longer, you know, stay alive etc. etc., and you will find yourself to be completely fucked, and with very little effort.

Ms Smack said...

This is a very clever concept, Capt Smack. I would certainly benefit from one of these having to adjust my levels accordingly in various circles, events etc like you've mentioned!

Given though, that I fall asleep at the drop of a hat, I'd definitely need a setting that prevents that.

Great work!

Ms Smack said...

PS.

Having just woke up from a nanna nap on the sofa, those swirling optical illusions are freakin' me out.

Now it's 915 pm and I'm gonna be up all night thinking of examples of how I'd use this contraption.

Josh said...

Captain, I found that this dimmer switch is already built into me.

It is actually a lever. I pull it a few times, the blood rushes to the leaver and the world takes on a dim but happy vibe where not a lot else seems important.

Every time I play with this lever I seem to end up with late fees on my videos so I am pretty sure it is the very same dimmer you are looking for.

Ute said...

those swirling wheels do nothing to me.. my OH has a humungous picture of it hanging on the bedroom wall, but i can't see anything.

'cos i'm partially blind in one eye..


and i thought guy's had a 'stupid switch' already implanted in their heads...it always seems to switch on whenever a nubile 18 year old nympho walks by them.

Ms Smack said...

Ute, I've seen that switch turned on too! OMG!

Normally it includes some grunting, a bit of ball scratching, some rib-jabs to their buddies!

scarlet-blue said...

I went out to my car, got in, and closed the door. I sat there for about 3 minutes trying to figure out why I was in my car

This happens to me all the time. Can I have an un-dimmer switch please? Do they sell them at Amazon.com?
Sx

Cunning_Linguist said...

So........ you went from Captain Smack to Ice T Smack? Once you google his wife, you'll know what I mean.

EmmaK said...

Stupid people, the bane of my life. The biggest problem with stupid people is that they do not know they are stupid. The answer: they need to be told they are stupid and shipped off to a stupid colony.

Yes the dimmer switch is the touchy feely solution but why go down to their level? What about setting up a separate country for religious zealots/retards?

or does that country already exist? - naming no names ;)

Princess of the Universe said...

I think this is absolutely the most brilliant post that I've ever read.
xo
PS- I guess that might mean you need to dial it down a notch...

Captain Smack said...

Gorilla Bananas:
I guess you're right, foolish and stupid are two different things... but there does seem to be a lot of overlap.


Rosie:
I don't think that being easily mesmerized is an indication of any problem. As long as everything else isn't also moving, then you're probably ok.


Mrs Pouncer:
Oh, well, if you have money to invest, there is this other invention I came up with that could use some funding.

Although, I guess you would have even less use for that particular item...


Ms Smack:
"those swirling optical illusions are freakin' me out"

You're seeing swirls? That's not a good sign, Ms Smack. I've also heard that you like to sit and stare at lava lamps. Maybe it's time to see a professional.


Josh:
I actually have one of those levers too, and it does seem to work pretty well in certain situations, but can actually cause problems when used in other situations (family reunions, company cookouts, etc.)


Ute:
Did you say nubile 18 year old nympho? Where? Where??? (jumps up and down like a chimpanzee and starts making weird noises)


scarlet-blue:
I think a reverse dimmer might be dangerous and cause overload. Maybe we could come up with something that could juice a brain up for just a few minutes at a time. That would actually come in handy, now that I think about it.


Cunning_Linguist:
I did google his wife, and I do see what you mean, although I think maybe Salman Rushdie has an even better idea (google his wife and you'll know what I mean).


EmmaK:
I'm not sure if I support the idea. If we just shipped them all off, we'd be getting rid of a lot of the pretty people.


Princess of the Universe:
Why thank you. And for the record, I actually have about an hour of clarity each week, and the rest of the time I'm a blathering idiot.

Ms Smack said...

Crikey..

nursemyra said...

May I play with Josh's lever?

Captain Smack said...

Yes. I give you permission to play with Josh's lever.

verona said...

Chartreuse always leads to tragedy. It is the most painful liquer to have exit through your nose.

EmmaK said...

intriguing - you have a fascination with pretty morons. But surely the pretty morons could just stay where they are already - in porn films etc. I mean call me old fashioned captain but there are plenty of pretty and intelligent women so why bother with stupid pretty ones? I mean stupid people, however they look are not people one wishes to converse with or date surely? They are mostly people at one's office or in one's family one is forced to converse with, no?

like you i tend to overthink things ;)

Captain Smack said...

verona:
I would imagine so. That is some wicked stuff.

EmmaK:
It's not so much that I'm fascinated with them, it's just that some people are nice to have around for purely decorative purposes. Also, there are many jobs that require a certain degree of stupidity, and someone has to do them.

And here's another problem: if you ship all the dummies off to Greenland or where ever, then the people who used to be considered "average" will suddenly be, comparatively, idiots... which would have a ripple effect and end up lowering everyone's rank.

Besides, if we got rid of all the idiots, what would we blog about? I think we need them more than we realize.

Lilly said...

If we were to employ that IQ dimmer switch, some other country would soon see fit to put us all out of our collective misery and just incinerate the whole USA.

No instead, I think we should have an "Adopt a Retard" program. Attempt to rehabilitate them. If we fail, we're allowed to neuter them and convince them to never leave their house.

Madam Z said...

Geez, I was going to comment, but now I can't stop thinking about Josh's lever!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Um...that Eeinstein really has a long tongue, huh? Nice.

Einstein flunked basic math. And he had identical outfits (clothes) arranged in his closet for each day of the week...because he didn't want to decide what he would wear each morning. It was difficult for him to decide that.

Um...You must be really smart to think all this stuff up.

Smart guys are hot. *meow*

I love smart guys...I mean a smart guy isn't going to forget I'm laying on the back seat of his car naked.

Oh and hey, We did that too...I was out with this really cute cheerleader (Marsha) and we had some beers. Um and you know, we just sat there in her bed and blinked happily like a couple of lezzers.
:D

I know I sound a lot like Caroline Kennedy. :D

Hey Captain...thanks for dropping by. I loved your post and it's true what they say about you...YOU ROCK MISTER!

I'm glad you're back.

Ciao honey.

Ms Smack said...

I wonder if Josh sent his lever to Penis Secret.

Captain Smack said...

Lilly:
This is starting to border on eugenics, but I must admit, I do like the neutering idea. As for making them stay indoors... I dunno... maybe we could let them walk around with the rest of us, but make them wear funny hats, so we could easily identify them without having to engage them in conversation.


Madam Z:
It appears that Josh's lever is a big hit here in the comments section. You might have to take a number.

By the way, Madam, great to see again. Loved that last post of yours.


Spiky:
I have a picture in my mind of you and Marsha from the Brady Bunch laying in bed in a very 70's Brady Bunch-looking bedroom, holding beers and blinking alot. It's really funny. I can't stop picturing it.

I can relate to Einstein's choice of wardrobe. I'm a "robe" man, myself. I still can't understand why they went out of style.


Ms Smack:
If I know Josh - and I think I do - then I'd say that, by now, there's a very good chance we've all seen his lever somewhere on the internet.

Cunning_Linguist said...

Ya got me on the hot wife/guy who doesn't deserve her thing. Of course, this only makes me want to be a crappy rap artist and publish a book that will get me killed all the more now.

The things I'll do for Tova Borgnine's attention, I tell ya. Pathetic.

Old Knudsen said...

So impatient just wait until you age a bit and before you don't know it you can't remember shit. All the names you once knew are gone and yer sitting in a pile of yer own shit.

I'm not complaining, spell check gets me by and I have the odd insight.

Manuel said...

IQ dimmer? just watch FRIENDS, that'll dim more than your intelligence....

unique_stephen said...

I'm not sure if my automatic leaver works the same way as Josh's, but when I talk to a pretty girl I get all simple and tongue tied like I was starved of oxygen at birth or have mildew growing on my brain..
Oh yeah, and I get a HUBY (
A half-erection large enough to be a publicly embarrassing bulge in the trousers, not large enough to be of any use to anybody. )

Jules said...

Aaaaaah, so that is what happened to my husband, he turned the IQ Dimmer down so low that he has forgotten to turn it back on. He has been fine for 9 years and this tenth one has been like living with an immature retard who loves farting and drinking and keeps doing shit like drink driving, putting family vehicles into the river, telling bosses to fuck off etc. I just need to find where his is located and turn it back on!!! Thanks Captain.

Captain Smack said...

Cunning_Linguist:
Cunning, what the hell are you talking about?


Knudsen:
Be patient? That's easy for you to say, you're a Timelord.


Manuel:
If I had to watch Friends, I would shoot myself in the head. Which, I guess would lower my intelligence.


unique_stephen:
Don't feel bad. The same thing happens to me when I look in the mirror.


Jules:
Even I've never driven a car into a river. Sounds like you have your hands full.

There's a good chance you'll find his IQ Dimmer hanging just under his penis. Be sure to grip tight and twist hard, as they can be a little stubborn at times.

phishez said...

That's just proof that beer really is the solution to all problems. But sometimes tequila is better.

I'm pretty sure if Josh pulled his lever out on a date with a typical ditz, it would end pretty quickly.

Prunella Jones said...

This post was great! I mean, I'm sure it was great because it was, like, really long and stuff and had a lot of words.

Pretty circles.

Captain Smack said...

Phishez:
Tequila's good for times when you want to be stupid and insane.


Prunella:
You didn't even read it, did you? I bet you just sat and stared at the picture instead. I knew I shouldn't have put that picture there.

Scottsdale Girl said...

So glad to see you back Cap'n. Daily I go into a room and stand there and blink and wonder why the fuck I am there. It's pure hell.

And "Adopt a Retard"? Classic.

milly (elephants&redwoods) said...

this is hilarious. you are hilarious.

EmmaK said...

Tequila is good for being stupid and insane and especially because you can't remember what the fuck you did last night. No guilt debauchery! Yay.

Erica AP said...

Oh Captain, You are still as funny as ever... Where did you go for so long?

Captain Smack said...

Scottsdale Girl:
At least you remember to blink.


Milly:
Why, thank you, ma'am.


EmmaK:
For me, Southern Comfort seems to do the trick. Deep down I'm just a country boy.


Erica:
Hey, nice to see you.

Me, I didn't go anywhere. That last post just took a little longer than usual to write.

UBERMOUTH said...

LOL@ Pru!

I hope this isn't a false comeback, Smackers.*You're slacking off all ready* :)

I love your long posts.

Captain Smack said...

Uber, hahaha, no no, I haven't been slacking, I was just waiting for you to comment. It just wouldn't feel right without you gracing the comments section.

By the way, love the new outfit. And what's up your profile link? It takes me to a "Profile Not Available" page.

Cunning_Linguist said...

There she goes, being all super secret squirrel again.

Captain Smack said...

Exactly.

UBERMOUTH said...

Oh, does it? I wasn't aware-never going to my profile.

Do drop me a line and let me know when you can sort it for me,TY.

UBERMOUTH said...

Oh, I see what you mean.....SOS

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About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.