Friday, January 30, 2009




Many of you know me as Captain Smack, that guy who drops acid, sees UFOs, and jerks off with toothpaste (although not usually at the same time). But did you know that I have other talents as well? Oh, yes I do. Hey, I'm not just a pretty face, you know.

In lieu of one of my zany stories or wacky observations, I thought I'd switch it up a little this week and toss out an original Captain Smack recording. That's right, you're about to hear my actual voice, so let's all pause for a moment, take a deep breath, and try not to freak out.

Are you in your happy place yet? Good.

This here's one of my satanic country songs about drugs (actually, all of my songs are satanic country songs about drugs), so get ready for some good 'ol down-home, knee-slappin', deep-fried pickin & grinnin.

And listen up, ladies: now might be a good time to check and make sure the batteries in your vibrators are fully charged, because after hearing The Captain kick out the mother fucking jams, you might need a little something to take the edge off. Sorry, but my music just has that effect on certain women. It's beyond my control.

Oh, and the song is called "I Got High" (what a freaking surprise).



(if the media player isn't working for you, try this)

Have a great weekend, y'all. See ya on the flippity-flop.

Peace out.

80 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Where is it? Have you hidden it somewhere, Sirrah?

Ms Smack said...

Wow, it sounds amazingly like this humming of my computer, and a car driving past. Combined with the telly in the background, you have a really great voice!

I better go change my panties now.

Captain Smack said...

Gorilla Bananas:
Oops, sorry GB, forgot about all you firefoxers out there. I've added a link to the mp3 now.


Ms Smack:
That's exactly what I was going for, computer hum and traffic noises. I'm so avant garde.

KJ said...

Smooooooooth..as a babies bum!

Very similar to Willie.

No need to change my panties.. am not wearing any. =D

Ms Smack said...

Jesus, is that really you? it's really good. Seriously. It's really good. It's catchy, your voice is fantastic, the lyrics are amazing..and now my panties really are wet. Damn you to hell.

You sound a little like Johnny Cash, cross with Tex Perkins? or is it Nick Cave?

WOW.

Ms Scarlet said...

Blimey! I am overcome.
Sx

Captain Smack said...

Ute:
Who the hell's "Willie"?


Ms Smack:
The weird thing is, in real life I sound just like Woody Allen (only not nearly as manly). It's amazing what a good microphone can do.


Scarlet-blue:
I love overcomement. One of my favorite types of comements.

Ms Smack said...

Woody Allen has a distinctive voice eh and manly? hmmm.

How many songs have you written?

Captain Smack said...

Songs that I would actually play for someone? Probably around 35 or 40... but I've only recorded a few of them. Recording takes a lot of time when you're the musician, the mic technician, the mixing engineer, etc.

Ms Smack said...

I love it! I can hear similar voices in there, but can't pick who they remind me of.

And you know, I'm a bit of a music connoisseur, well I'd like to think so, anyway.

I wish I could upload an audio clip but I haven't the foggiest idea how and I will not sing.

KJ said...

Nelson...willie nelson.. ya know...*points at previous post*

Sheesh..

verona said...

That's real purdy.

Cunning_Linguist said...

Johnnie Cash meets Arlo Guthrie. That wasn't said as trying to be a smart ass either. It's a good mix that works for you.


Bon Scott meets skinned cat with his tail in a light socket. Now that would have been a smart ass comment. But I'm better than that.


Seriously.... I'm quite impressed. VERY good job.

C'est La Craic said...

Hats off Captain. That is fucking excellent. What software do you use to mix? The sound really smooth and balanced.

will said...

Didn't I see you perform outside the fish tossing booth at Pike Place Market? As I recall your tip jar was about half full.

MommyHeadache said...

How can that be you? Is there a band in there with you or is it you playing several instruments at once?

If it is let me just say it is ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT

your voice is so fucking sexy...going off to look for the spare batteries

Ms Smack said...

It's the LEMONHEADS! The Outdoor Type that it reminds me of.

Can i send this to someone? I know. in the business? Please? PLEASE?

C'est La Craic said...

It put me more in mind of 'Walk the line' by the man in black.

Cunning_Linguist said...

Send it anyways, Smacky..... I wanna be able to say "I vommented on his blog when". Besides... it's public viewing and listening to, right? I say we start as his mgmt. team and handlers and just push him wayyyyy past Kelly Pickler status.

Cunning_Linguist said...

commented..... vommented is something totally different and involves stuffed animals. Just wanted to correct the typo.

Ms Smack said...

But what if he SMACKS me Cunning?

He might put me over his knee and beat me with his rhythm stick!!!

Cunning_Linguist said...

then you're a lucky girl ;)

Fanny said...

Your vibrato is waayy better than my vibrator.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

OMG, Scoot over George Straight, let the Captain through. Woo.

Um, can I be like your first groupie? And 20 years from now write a tell-all best seller about all the women and sex and the getting high. :)

Did I mention all the women and sex? :)

I loved your song captain. Do you rock out too? Maybe write and sing a song something like...BYOB?

Oh hey...but country is good.

You have a wonderful singing voice And I loved the lyrics.

Ciao hon, and you have a fab weekend too.

Fusion said...

Wow, You could/should be getting airtime with this song Cptn Smack. Good stuff!

Visiting through Cath's blog. The other Smack ;)

Erica Ann Putis said...

Good stuff!! I remember you telling me you were a musician too. Glad you are finally merging the music and blogging. And I hear you about recording yourself... It takes a long time but I always feel so proud after. Can't wait to hear more. :)

Buffalo said...

That wasn't even half bad.

Gotta make this quick - my woman was listening and now she has expectations.

Anonymous said...

i listened to this fine recording here at my hooker farm (a.k.a work).

we're daisy chaining the fuckin' daylights outta each other. we all want you captain.

oh, oh captain. how do you do it?

meow.

Romeo Morningwood said...

I can picture Dubya rollin' down a dusty back road in Crawford and singin' this at the top of his lungs as he tosses out another empty Pabst Blue Ribbon out the window.

This is destined to be the American Idler Anthem.
Bravo.

UBERMOUTH said...

That's really fabulous!
We shall expect this to be a weekly feature now, you know! :)

Do American Pie next!

Electro-Kevin said...

Good voice, Capt. (I was sent here by Miss S)

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=unfQRKQi8Ps

This is me on guitar. I don't usually play Christmas carols - I play anything really, including classical and flamenco. I just did this as a festive thingy and was sight reading in a freezing cold hut, a fairly basic camera... hence it's a little turgid for my liking, but whaddaheck !

We should get together, have some smokes, a few jokes ... compose a couple of hits and make our millions !

Anonymous said...

Ms S also sent me here. I have a really big ladder - I shall also get high!

Anonymous said...

Electro-Kevin

That is the cooooolest thing I've ever seen !

Ciao, babes !

xxx

Chucklenuts said...

There will be no whitewash in the shitehouse.

Anonymous said...

Mr Smack, if you think you've got it hard in your region, think again.

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack:
The Lemonheads? Seriously, I've heard of them, but don't know their music. I thought they were, like, some new wave band or something. I guess I'll have to go check them out. As for your friend in the business, sure, knock yourself out. I do have a rather long list of contractual terms, however, including a 24 hour paramedic crew on standby during tours (just in case I go into another coma), and a comprehensive groupie-screening panel. I'm sure we can work something out.

Ok, I just listened to the Lemonheads. Liked it a lot, not what I expected at all. How did I miss them?


Ute:
Ohhhh, that guy. Right. I'm not actually familiar with his music, just his beard. Does he also sing? I'll have to check him out sometime.


verona:
Why, thanky, ma'am *tips hat*


Cunning_Linguist:
Thankyou... thankyouverymuch (do I do a good Elvis, or what?). Cash and Arlo, eh? Hey, I can dig it. The Bon-Scott/cat-tail/light-socket thing sounds interesting too... gives me an idea...

By the way, you're the first person who's ever vommented on my blog (though probably not the last).



C'est La Craic:
Ok, let's talk shop. I used Vegas for the tracking and mixing, and Propellerhead's Reason for triggering the drums, which I tapped out via midi on a cheap Yamaha electronic drum kit (you know, one of those drum kits you could drop on someone's head from a rooftop and it wouldn't hurt them that much). I mastered it the best I could in SoundForge, but mastering's a little beyond me. It's a very low-budget deal.


Bill Stankus:
I seem to recall the tip jar being half empty... but I guess it's all in how you look at it.



EmmaK:
I'd like to say it's Earl's band, The Grave Diggers, backing me up, but yeah, it's just me playing one instrument at a time. AND I had to do roadie duties as well. I really should be paying myself more.


Fanny:
Just wait till you get a load of my power chord.


Spiky Zora Jones:
"can I be like your first groupie?"

I believe that ship has already sailed, but I certainly wouldn't mind supplying some inspiration for your book...

Yowza.

I do indeed rock out. In fact, this song is very different from what I usually write, which is more along the lines of... hmmm... Neil Young meets Chemical Brothers? With a dash of Pink Floyd and a side order of...

ah hell, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

Captain Smack said...

Fusion:
How nice of you to say, and thanks for stopping by. I guess I owe the other Smack another footrub now.


Erica:
I was actually thinking about you and that exchange we had when I was posting this. Hm, not sure if I'm going to post more, though, as this was my only "Captain-Smackish" song (you know, drugs, jesus, cocky attitude, etc.)... maybe I'll post the others on a different page or something. Glad you got to hear it.


Buffalo:
"my woman was listening and now she has expectations"

Then my work here is done.


Kitty:
You work on a hooker farm? You should hire me to do some consulting. I would like to work in the Product Testing department. Can I at least get an interview?


Homo Escapeons:
You, my friend, have just described the music video for this song. (Do they still make music videos?) I bet we could even get George to play himself, seeing as to how he has a lot of free time on his hands.


UBERMOUTH:
Well, granted, it's not as good as, say, Donnie Osmond, but I'm glad you liked it anyway. Maybe next I'll do my bluegrass version of Rebel Yell.


electro-kevin:
Hey, thanks for the link, Kevin, that was great. Yes, we should definitely start a band, your classical guitar could really lend a little class to the whole operation. We could split the groupies 50/50.


mutleythedog:
So far you are the only one who realized that this song is about ladders. All these other heathens just assumed it was about drugs, buncha' degenerates.


Gorgeous bird:
What the hell am I, chopped liver? And there's something about you that seems familiar... can't put my finger on it...


RN:
Not sure what that means, but ok.

Captain Smack said...

mervin:
Oops, sorry mervin, you snuck in at the bottom there. That link didn't seem to work.

Actually, now that I think about it, it looks a little spammy...

Anonymous said...

Just testing. Nothing works over this end at the moment, so that A OK.

Captain Smack said...

Oh, ok. I saw that the word "advertiser" was in the URL, thought maybe it was spam...

Ms Smack said...

Great track for Lemonheads is 'The Outdoor Type'

Cheers
C

Anonymous said...

Hey, you're good.

Ms Smack said...

Have dropped you an email with details etc, for where I've uploaded the track.

x

Chucklenuts said...

"RN:
Not sure what that means, but ok.

5:36 PM"


Fair enough.

kiki said...

i just came

and i didn't even need to be sitting on a giant dildo...

UBERMOUTH said...

Oh right, I forgot about your version of Rebel Yell. Do DO that!
I would not be adverse to you singing a version of Mony, Mony either.

All This Trouble... said...

Well, now....this has garnered a tremendous response.

Take it on the road, man. Jesus did.

Unknown said...

Whoa, Capt.!
How could you do this to us? You already had them eating out of your hand. Now you’ve gone and cleaned up the market – no women left for us. A witty musician with self-depreciating irony; you’ll have to beat them away with a large, flat mallet. What’s next; are you devilishly handsome as well? Please, have a bit of mercy on us more mundane males.

Ah, but this is a fine piece of song-craft you’ve got here. I have to agree with a ‘youthful Johnnie Cash meets Arlo Guthrie filtered through a Lemonheads sensibility’ sort of comparison. As for the subject matter you could safely use it as an inscription on my gravestone and no man would call you a liar. Yes, great stuff – do you have more for us, please?

A couple of questions:
How come when they’re called ‘Gorgeous bird with blue eyes and big tits’ there’s no iconic photograph or blog to click to? Not to disparage the other lovely ladies here, but one does become curious about the physiognomy of posters sporting monikers of this type. Of course it could all be falsehood and subterfuge, or worse yet, a dude.

Also, do you generally perform with your hat on?

Prunella Jones said...

Hmmmm, at first listen I was reminded of The Supersuckers country album. The song has a nice, loose and jangly thing going on until it gets to the whacked out piano. Love that part!

Upon further listenings, I decided that your voice kinda sounds a bit like Stephen Malkmus from Pavement (otherwise known as God).

Great stuff! I look forward to throwing my panties up on stage when you play Nashville.

De Campo said...

While my knowledge of country western toothpaste masturbation acid rock is limited to the Blues Brothers covering Rawhide, I must say this was fucking great.

I didn’t feel my loins shift but when I play it really loud the 94 year old granny next store groans like a possessed banshee.

Anonymous said...

OK, I've now got your music to work, and it is really rather good. I only posted that link about a flasher out of sheer frustration, which is something I really must stop doing.

Have a nice life.

Madam Z said...

Now see? I *knew* we had something in common besides a distaste for the term "LOL."

I *too* got high! Many, many times. I didn't get *too* high, though. Well...maybe once (those brownies were rocket-propelled) or twice (I think it was called orange sunshine. It was NASTY!)

But I digress. What I really want to say is, YOU ROCK! I love the lyrics, as well as the music AND your voice! You really need to get out of those white robes and into some tight jeans and a black satin shirt and take your show on the road.

BTW, I didn't need my vibrator after all. aaaahhhh....

UBERMOUTH said...

♫ ♪♫ ♬ Great song- √

♥♀♥♀ Groupies- √

★ $ Shrewd agent[ who will f*** you more than the groupies]-√

$$$ Cash- Ø

☺ ☺ ☺ Nardo- Ø

I believe in you kiddo, but if you can't whip out a Nardo ...☞

Electro-Kevin said...

Thanks, Capt.

I think there's something in the words of this song that could apply to you

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=EVCkSMwaGGc

I love this wave of modern music. The kids are definitely alright !

MommyHeadache said...

Since your voice has a miraculous power to bring people to orgasm maybe you could do a tour around the sexual dysfunction clinics and sing to all the frigid women, thus curing them of their affliction?

Erica Ann Putis said...

Definitely let me know if you post more. You can always find me on myspace or facebook if you want to talk separate about music shiznit. :)

Femikneesm said...

I can't believe I've only just realised that you're back...Happy day.

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack:
I like that song. Many of the girls I've dated were always trying to drag me out into the woods every chance they got. I don't mind it every once in a while (hell, I actually lived in a tent for a couple of months), and I always end up having a good time... but, jesus, what's with all the freaking camping?


mervin:
Thanks, Merv. I finally read the article. I swear, it wasn't me.


RN:
"Fair enough."

*tilts head, narrows eyes, and rubs chin pensively*

Ok, then...


kiki:
Hey, whatever gets the job done, that's my motto.


UBERMOUTH:
Well, look at you with all your fancy HTML characters. Hearts and everything. I guess our little Uber's growing up.

I think I see Mony Mony as more of a Richard Cheese swing number.


All This Trouble:
As did Elvis. Hmmm, maybe we could tour together as a power trio...


Son of Incogneato:
Oh... oh, now that was good. I'm usually very careful not to let the hype get to my head - but you begging for mercy on behalf of males everywhere... that really gave me a nice ego-zap. Let me just savor this for a minute...



Ok, I'm done now. Thank you.

As for the subject matter, I had a funny feeling that you'd relate.

And if you look at Gorgeous Bird's comment, and then at electro-kevin's, I think you'll notice a certain similarity in handwriting...

And, yes, I always perform with my hat on. I get all of my super powers from my hat, kind of like like Samson.

Captain Smack said...

Prunella Jones:
Until your comment, I'd never (knowingly) listened to Pavement. I'd heard of them, of course, but always assumed they were another one of those mid/late-90's, low-talent, in-your-face, listen-to-me-whine-because-nobody-understands-how-different-I-am kind of bands, but, hey, they're actually very good. Which reminds me, I need a wha-wha pedal.

I'll have to try to talk my agent into going back to Nashville. Last time we stopped there we were trampled by a pack of wild lawyers and got some pretty bad paper cuts.


De Campo:
Yeah, the whole Country Western Toothpaste Masturbation Acid Rock scene is pretty underground at this point. I think it may be starting to get a little traction, though.


Madam Z:
Tight jeans and a black satin t-shirt, you say? I guess the robes are extraneous, as long as I have my hat.

Not sure about the Orange Sunshine, but at least you didn't eat the brown acid.


electro-kevin:
That made me happy. He doesn't look a thing like Jesus...

It's funny you made that Who reference; I have a half-post sitting around entitled The Kids are Alfucked. But that's another story.


EmmaK:
Way ahead of you, Emma. I've been milking the sexual dysfunction circuit for a couple years now. That's actually how I make my weekend money.


Erica AP:
I went to your myspace page, but the myspace player wasn't working (big freaking surprise, I could seriously do an hour-long rant on why myspace sucks, but I'll spare you [but, seriously, in the web programming world they really are the laughing stock of the internet, oh boy, here I go, I can't help it, GOD THEY FUCKING SUCK... ok, I'll stop now *pant, pant, pant*]), but I bookmarked it and shall return.


Femikneesm:
I know, what the hell? You been in a coma or something?

The Mistress said...

IJULTPYO

Erica Ann Putis said...

I know myspace sucks but it's just so god damn easy for non-computer inclined gals like me. :)

Jules said...

Oh you definitely have a place in the commune with those tunes Captain!! I'm sure it could be our daily song just before the massive group tantric sex session.

*~Dani~* said...

Well color me impressed. And a little weirded out as I didn't expect your voice to sound like that. Maybe I expected you to sound like a captain? But it was a pleasant surprise! And the song is really good. Nice laid back vibe, which I guess goes good with the lyrics.

Captain Smack said...

MJ:
FBILSDR2D2

(ok that didn't actually mean anything)


Erica AP:
I hear ya. I think the concept of it is good. I even had a page for a while, but then just couldn't stand it anymore. I guess it's great for sharing music, though.


Jules:
I'll bring the hookah.


*~Dani~*:
Thank you. What can I say, I'm one of those laid back kind of Captains.

Belle said...

I can't afford a vibrator, so I use my electric toothbrush. It's old, but it does the job.
You are so irresistable that I fell in love with you the minute I saw you. I will try not to stalk you. In the meantime, I have written a post about you.

Ms Smack said...

re: Lemonheads track: I thought it was the guys that dragged us women out into the bush camping and what not, as part of their primal cave man urge.

I dont mind it once in a blue moon, but I prefer the comfort of crisp sheets, great shower pressure and a hot breakfast.

Cheers
C

Manuel said...

fucking quality old chap, quality....


thank you for your words the other day......all the comments mean a lot

Captain Smack said...

Belle:
A toothbrush, eh? I have to say, I like a woman who practices good oral hygiene even while pleasuring herself.

I enjoyed your post, and Flo was very happy to get so much attention. Thanks!


Ms Smack:
Yeah, that's what I'm talking 'bout. We humans didn't evolve for millions of years just to get bit by misquotes all day.


Manuel:
Well thank you, my good man. It's good to see you out and about.

Belle said...

I can assure you oral is top of my priority list.

Pearl said...

Willie meets Johnny. You're a poet.
Pearl

Robin said...

i enjoyed it enough to read 70 comments before leaving my own.

C'est La Craic said...

That's probably the nicest comment I've ever read.

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nihilist said...

You're the Fucking man cap. cap the Fucking you're man

About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.