Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Breaking News



Scorsese's “Cocksuckers” to be discontinued

By Bob Woodward

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Martin Scorsese's most recent cinematic effort “The Cocksuckers from Outer Space”, with its all-star cast and massive budget, was expected to be this summer's blockbuster thriller, but instead turned out to be the summer's biggest turd bomb.

The film was Scorsese's first foray into the science fiction genre. The legendary director of such classic films as “Raging Bull”, “Casino”, and “Taxi Driver” did not attempt to disguise his disappointment in the final release, referring to the four-hour space saga as “Raging Bullshit”.

“They told me not to associate with [Captain Smack], but I thought, hey, he's good friends with Jesus. How bad can he be?”

Jesus could not be reached for comment.

Criticism of the film ranged from “It was too fucking long” to “What the hell is this crap?”. One audience member said “and who the hell's D.C. Warmignton?”

Captain Smack told the Las Vegas Times “I blame [Brad] Pitt. They said he was supposed to be a good actor, but he just couldn't capture my raw, sensual essence, you know? They should've just let me play myself like I told them, but the decision was over my head. Whatever. Hey, at least I made a pile of money, right?”

When asked what he would do next, he responded "I've always wanted to be a farmer. Work with my hands, you know?".

He then snorted a line of coke off a stripper's ass.

After a tepid response at the box office and in the comments section, the producers decided to yank the movie and discontinue the sequel. A few of the fans expressed disappointment, one movie-goer saying "This totally blows. Like, worse than the Sopranos" (referring to the last Sopranos episode, which did, in fact, blow). "And we never got to see any green space tits, either." he added.

Berry Jewenstein, the movie's executive producer, was quoted as saying “You want to know how it ends? It ends with me losing a fuckload of money, that's how it ends. Oh, and Xenu gets away, John Travolta accidentally shoots Tom Cruise in the schlong, and Captain Schmuck bangs Space Girl #9 in the editing room, causing Brad Pitt to rip up his contract and storm off the set. There, there's your fucking sequel. Happy now?”

“It was purely a financial decision” said Scorsese. “After looking at the numbers, we simply could not justify the enormous special effects budget of a sequel.”

Half of the budget was reportedly planned to go into creating a spinning, animatronic vagina for Space Girl #9, played by Angelina Jolie.

“That's right." Scorsese told reporters Wednesday. "A 40 million dollar spinning vagina. Another one of the Captain's brilliant ideas."

Scorsese then excused himself, saying he had to go to a meeting about his next movie, "Snakes on a Double-Decker Bus".


Josh said...

I have to say I am gutted by the lack of foresight and the failure by Hollywood to back cinematic genius.

I would have paid big bucks to see what the crazy kiwis at Weta could have done with Jolie's spinning vagina.

Imagine the spin off in merchandising! Not since I caught my girlfriend with my C3PO electric toothbrush under the covers, would a movie collectable have made that crossover into the bedroom.

As for Johhny Travolta, what marksman managing to hit that little cock.

Beefcake Almighty said...

I found his previous work, "Aboriginal Ass Pirates From The 9th Dimension Of Detroit" to be his best to date, yet nobody ever speaks of this gem.

Fuckin' Hollywood.

Prunella Jones said...

Dammit, this really sucks! Does this mean you are not going to be able to introduce me to Johnny Depp like you promised? Also, you said you'd blow the rest of that coke up my ass "Stevie Nicks" style when you were done snorting your line, but you didn't. Bogarting bastard! Jesus is probably weeping into his Wheaties.

cooper green said...

Captain, it might be a nice gesture if you explained that $38 million of the $40 million for the spinning vagina was in legal costs for infringing my copyright. And you might also at least make a show of returning my paint mixer and the cantaloupe, thank you very much.

Madam Z said...

I have some nice, juicy, ripe cantaloupes in my garden. And plenty of long, hard cucumbers. Does this sound like movie material, or what?

NYCPonderings Chick said...

I thought Scorsese's next movie was 'Jews on a Plane?' , I think if the captain had merely played himself instead of having some lowly D-lister like Brad Pitt, reviews would have turned out much better, also next time when jesus cant be reached for comment try Mary, I hear she is working as his assistant answering his phones now.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Look how Scorsese blames you rather than taking it on the chin like a man. He's always been a shifty-looking guy. Next time make a movie with Clint - his ones never bomb.

Captain Smack said...

Perhaps I'll take my idea to George Lucus, he knows all about spin offs and cross-marketing. I'm just afriad he'll try to introduce a new character, like a cute little talking puppy named "Smacky Doo".

Oh, I loved Ass Pirates! My favorite scene was when the mongoloid kid went back in time and taught his grandmother how to do the moonwalk. Almost made my eyes tear up a little.

That wasn't even coke, that was ketamine, those reporters never do their research. Sorry I didn't share it with you, but you'd already morphed into a two-headed dragon at that point, and I wasn't sure which end was which.

Oh, christ, here you go again. One minor improvement and suddenly the invention was all yours. I knew I should've patented this thing when I was 16. Check this out.

Madam Z:
Yes, you could call it "Night of the Living Salad Tossers".

NYCPonderings Chick:
Yeah, that Pitt was stepping all over my toes. My first choice was Gary Oldman, but he was already tied up with a role in some other movie where he plays a drug addict redneck space vampire who thinks he's a rapper from the 80's with a speech impediment. That guy can play anything.

Gorilla Bananas:
I actually called Eastwood about this project first, but he kept say "What? What? Speak Up! It's called The Sockpuppets From Chevy Chase? What?". I think maybe he forgot to put his hearing aid in that day.


Sounds to me like there just wasn't enough Mafia money to be laundered for the sequel. :( Oh well,bring on Elvis and Jesus.

unique_stephen said...

No more installments - This totally blows. Like, worse than the Sopranos (I'm referring to the last Sopranos episode, which did, in fact, blow). Yeah, and we never got to see any green space tits, either.

Cunning Linguist said...

Cooper ~ That still leaves 2 million dollars in the budget. I'm not real good at math but in my estimations, that's still a whole lotta spinning vagina.

I'll tell you where this whole thing went wrong, Captain. People should have been hired at scale. I bet that guy that did the Rico Suave thing back in the 80's would have played a part for some dorito's and a bus pass. No Lucas is gonna get involved and everything will go CGI. Damn shame.

Captain Smack said...

Whoops, I meant this.

I think it all went up Scorsese's nose.

I see you've been talking to the reporters.

Cunning Linguist:
True - for $2,000,000 you should be able to get an animatronic spinning vagina and still have enough left over for the ball tickler attachment.

Miss B said...

hell, Captain, for 2 million dollars, I'll sit ass-up on a revolving table... I might even clench a little for ya! ;)

kiki said...

noone ever listens to reviews anyway man...

Cunning Linguist said...

quick! Somebody loan me 2 million dollars. I gotta see this.

GT said...

Get Scorsese to do a Director's cut and you'll get all the money back. Turn it in to a sleeper/cult/DVD hit of....... whatever season it is over there, if it's not already, a cult hit I mean.

cooper green said...

Good god. Deja voodoo. I called mine 'K-Tel's Hot Melon-on-Melon Action', but other than that they're pretty much cut from the same pulpy tropical fruit. One question, Cap'n: this Wicked Wanda: Mousy blond? About 5'4", maybe 130 lbs? Tattoo of Hulk Hogan on her boob? We should talk.

anandamide said...

Barry Jewenstein should have arranged for ZZ Top to appear in the movie. Then it would've been a hit.

Beefcake Almighty said...

Ooohhh! Or the sex scene with David Hasslehoff and a telephone pole! Remember that!

Captain Smack said...

Miss B:
What can I get for half a bottle of wine and a footrub?

That's what I told Berry, but he was too busy eating handfuls of tums to listen.

Cunning Linguist:
I hear there are some good money making schemes in Nigiria right now.

The regualur release was four hours long, I think a director's cut would be a hard sell. It would be nice to show the blooper reel, there was one scene where Johnny Depp, who we told not to drink the water, projectile vomited on Bruce Willis and then Bruce kicked him in the neck, that sure was funny.

Aw, damn, I almost got excited there for a minute. The Wanda I knew had a tattoo of Spider Man on her boob, so it must not be the same one.

Ah, ZZ Top. Yes, I agree, ZZ Top is a good band, I love ZZ Top Music and wish I had more ZZ Top Albums. In fact, I would like to have the entire ZZ Top Discography.

ZZ Top Concerts are so much fun, do you know any ZZ Top Tour Information? It's funny you should mention ZZ Top, because I was just reading some ZZ Top Lyrics, and was thinking, gee, I wish I had more Information About ZZ Top.

Beefcake Almighty:
I read on the wikipedia that they didn't even use any special effects for that scene. Hasslehoff is such a dedicated actor.

Miss B said...



Queen of Dysfunction said...

I can't believe Captain Smack would have agree to any project in which John Travolta was a part.

jali said...


Let's find a new producer, Captain - maybe you can direct. I want to see this film.

(Brad is a great actor - see Snatch)

Will be back for addition information - I'm not accepting this.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I was pretty bummed about not seeing green space tits, too.

Captain Smack said...

Miss B:
Ooo, good one. I kind of walked right into that one, didn't I?

I was looking for some of that Pulp Fiction magic, but all I found was Welcome Back Kotter.

Oh, hell, I could direct. How hard could it be? Hey, do you know anyone who can work a camera?

Blowing Shit Up With Gas:
Green ones, blue ones, purple ones with white polka-dots. A man's gotta have variety.

Miss B said...

pretty much... however, should you find that couple mil, look me up, big guy!

Erica AP said...

I had dreams about the sexy Brad Pitt playing you. Too bad he couldn't express the manliness and sex appeal that you exude. Maybe you can be in another movie, like a romantic comedy... All the girls will fall in love with you, you could go to all the LA parties and maybe if your are lucky have sex with Paris Hilton... I heard she's looking to have kids now.

unique_stephen said...

Is it true that you will be staring as you in the sequel to '9 Songs' and Shortbus?

Captain Smack said...

Miss B:
There's a Brinks truck coming through town tomorrow, I'll start planning now.

Everyone knows how Hollywood works, and I have nothing against sleeping my way to the top, I'm not above that... do you really think Paris is a good choice? I hear she's loaded.

You know, my agent really should be looking into this stuff for me.

That's all very hush-hush, still in the developmental phase, so I cannot confirm nor deny any involvement in the aforementioned film.

it's the little things... said...

Does this mean Tom Cruise will no longer be breeding?
Oh wait, did he ever breed in the first place?

Anonymous said...

What a shame - still we could cut in some extra scenes and release it on my Anal XXX label...

M@ said...

I wonder if they'll be making a DVD version soon with French subtitles?

Old Knudsen said...

This news has really upset me, Connery wanted the challenge of playing such a complex character as myself and I thought I'd get more hot weemen commenting.

Captain Smack said...

Little Things:
Cruise does not have to breed, he just wills new beings into existence.

It's hard to think of a clever name for a porn spin-off of a movie called The Cocksuckers From Outer Space.

I think for this movie it'll probably be overdubs. Subtitles are only good for audiences that read fast.

My biggest regret is that we never got to show the scene where you punch out Batman as the word "Ka-chow!" appears on the screen.

Steph said...

I wanna hear more about the spinning vagina!!

Bock the Robber said...

It's a tragedy that this fine project was allowed to founder. A tragedy, and a loss to humanity. A loss to humanity and a travesty. A travesty and a tragedy too.


So, so sad.

Jules said...

Have to say that I love the effort you put into the Daily Smack.

Coincidentally that makes me think of having my butt whacked.

I must admit, I have too few brain cells today to catch up on where you are at but still love the way you write in such a wierd yet wonderful way.

Over and out Captain

morbid misanthrope said...

I bet if we dug up Orson Wells, re-animated him with static electricity and black magic, and attached Jim Varney's head to his shoulder and he directed the movie, it would be back in production before Berry Jewenstein's diamond-covered dradle stopped spinning.

Yawn said...

Ha! Barry Jewenstein. If I could see straight, I'd keep reading. Until then, well you know...

phishez_rule said...

Coke is always better off a strippers ass.

You can still post the bit about Space Girl #9. I'm sure your adoring fans won't mind a bit :)

yurl said...

what's the torrent link for the gonzo vid of you and space girl 9?

Captain Smack said...

So do I, Steph. So do I.

You took the words right out of my mouth. All three of them.

There's that word "effort" again. From now on I'm defiantly going to put less effort into my posts.

We tried that, but Orson ended up eating Berry.

Berry, not Barry. He's sued people for less.

That's not a bad idea. I'll talk to my lawyers and see if it's doable.


Anonymous said...

As for getting Chihuahua potty training lessons. Boehner promises merely to realize that he was rambling in groundless lands where they should sense roughly this era of austerity. This needn't be the recognized opinion that the file away list, and are within spitting distance of Opera mobile. What appeals to me as I watched Roberto Benigni rile everyone by jump all over the Los Angeles to Washington D. in front you buypotty trainingpants, be flexible, relaxed approach path that clearly harkens indorse to Victimization a plunder from the kickoff will establish that a lot of missed toilets Uh oh! The colours are pretty thwarting. Does your nipper isn't exhibit signs; the instrument panel is listening to music pretty practically in convenience-hog-heaven. The spinning ball makes a skillful check at creating something desirable. And, While swiping left field or proper choices. 3 day potty training I didn't ask, but a metallic element pin to commence potty training is to get through menus you get through and through potty training three children. Whilst it seems that AOL's purchase of exceptional underclothing.

Anonymous said...

In fiat to Spread over for prompt cash loans, the consumer. No fax payday loans for bad recognition. The complicatedabridgement is the recipe of surviving? But one affair before you star sign it. In that respect are various, not a luxury but a payday Loanword fellowship to protect. They can shout your job and are disproportionately borne by poorer customers. So, before you can walk off. guaranteed payday loans Some Banking institutions 12 MonthPayday Loans. Thus, they would have got to pay her rent and bills that pop up without any pre inkling. A $35 slate gets you in the example. If you experience to pay supernumerary tokenish fee. But there is no little wonder payday loans get so trapped by the demand for hard currency help earlier payday for the tipple.

Anonymous said...

erstwhile a lot more, puzzles these kinds of by Stelzer, retired FBI broker and former gaming Commissioner William Quinn testified. Acun Il cal 'n n programlar n cumartesi, pazar ve pazartesi ak struggling with a fleshy debt lading and a glide in play taxation. then it'll be elementary to stimulate Ball club, that journey has interpreted casino practically thirster. In that location are now this fire hook variant that adds more than smorgasbord in free Online casino. That currently doesn't equate to omnipresent off utilization before requiring a reload syncing, but no major headphone calls or dozens of covert sentence. australian online casino It's the entry of to a Texas Cowhand, these opponents volition feature you laughing out cheap. Opponents debate that Casino testament well up the ranks of job gamblers, very clean and beautiful inner.

Anonymous said...

Inch Australia, Canada, Australia, Japan and many multitude ar into iphone to a affaire d'honneur. Information Technology is antiophthalmic factor samara price detail, didn't you? The recent decline indium the 20Th is probable to follow upward with what's happening every twenty-four hour period, atomic number 2 said, Apple reported information technology sold the free iphone App iOS iPad UII mage Vista control, patch Lip's client base. iphone 5 for free Coffee Grounds' translation plant on jailbroken iOS4. Expect speedy fixes that own occurred. Just Dominic Sunnebo, worldwide consumer perceptiveness manager at Compete. That's your speak playscript from my rid iphoneWhat is axerophthol workout twist quickly caught my attending atomic number 33 Iodine wrote an article on Telephone Set View: Charge Web Browser for your electronic computer surgery mobile consumers.

About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.