Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Xenu Returns


Welcome to the first exciting episode of...

Written and directed by Martin Scorsese

S T A R R I N G:

Bruce Willis .... as .... D.C. Warmington

Sean Connery .... as .... Old Knudsen

Johnny Depp .... as .... Morbid Misanthrope

and, of course

Brad Pitt .... as .... Captain Smack
The resemblance is uncanny.

Also starring:

Mr T . as . Xenu
I'm gonna throw you in a volcano, sucka!


Angelina Jolie . as . Space Girl #9

with special guest appearances by:

John Travolta ..Himself
Mutley the Dogas ..Lieutenant Klorgar
Adam Westas ..Batman
Ben Afleckas ..Robin, the Boy Wonder

Episode I: Xenu Returns

Xenu stood at the control deck of the long, hard, silver spacecraft, one of his giant purple eyes surveying the Peruvian jungles below. He slammed a slimy, green tentacle down on the control panel and cursed. “Those goddamn freedom fighters! That D.C. Warmington and his band of super-cool Earth rebels have interfered with our sinister plot for the last time. We must find them... and destroy them!”

Just then, the groovy, science fiction-looking space-doors slid open and 1st Lt. Klorgar entered the control deck. “Sir, our high-tech, futuristic bio-sensors have just picked up a strong signal in the Northwestern quadrant of the mountain region. We think it's them, sir – the super-cool Earth rebels!”

“A strong signal? What kind of signal?” Xenu demanded, his slimy, green skin jiggling with anticipation.

“We believe it to be some type of unusually strong flatulence, sir.”

“Ah... that has to be Old Knudsen. His flatulence is legendary in this part of the galaxy. Well done, Lieutenant. Set the controls for the Northwestern quadrant, and activate our electro-shields at full strength. Just in case”

“In case they have weapons, sir?”

“No, you fool! In case the old man farts again. Remember last time? God, that was awful. It made my eyes water. All three of them!”

“Yes sir! Shields at full strength, sir!”

“Oh, and get me some space-coffee while you're at it. With cream and sugar. Not too much sugar, though. I'm watching my carbs. I'm on that new space-diet, you know.”

“Um, I'm afraid all we have is decaf, sir. We think the super-cool Earth rebels may have stolen our coffee supply.”

“Decaf???” Xenu slammed another green tentacle down hard, splattering little bits of slime onto the uniform of the Lieutenant. “THOSE DAMN EARTH REBELS MUST DIE!

Meanwhile, deep in the Peruvian jungle...

Morbid Misanthrope covered his face with a wet towel and tried to breath. “Holy hell, Knudsen - I told you not to eat all those baked beans. Are you trying to suffocate us?”

“Don't bother me now, lad, I'm working on me latest post. It's about the gheys.”

They sat near a small campfire, surrounded by three small tents. They had been camping for 3 days, waiting idly for battle. They were starting to get on each other's nerves. “Seriously, man” Morbid said “I haven't smelled anything this bad since I had to exhume that hippie from my backyard. And he smelled worse then than when I buried him.”

“Ah, yer just jealous of my manly aroma. My flatulence is legendary in this galaxy, y'know.”

“Yeah, sure. Next time I'll bring my gas mask. By the way, where the hell did Captain Smack go? He didn't wander off looking for magic mushrooms again, did he?”

“I think he was hungry. He said something about finding some wild jungle melons.”

Just then Captain Smack walked into the campsite carrying three brown melons in his arms. “Hey guys, look what I found. Cantaloupes! Man, I haven't had one of these in ages. The jungle ones are the best, too. All nice and brown...mmm. You want one, Morb?”

“I don't eat fruit. I only eat things with faces.”

“How about you, Knudsen?”

Knudsen didn't look up from his laptop. “I already had my breakfast, go ahead and eat it yourself.”

"Well, actually I was planning on sticking my--"

"Hey!" Morbid's head suddenly jerked up. “Do you guys hear something?”

They all stopped and cocked their heads, listening carefully. “I don't hear anything” Smack said.

“Me neither” said Knudsen.

“Exactly” said Morbid, his eyes narrowing. “The jungle is suddenly quite... too quiet... I have a feeling Xenu is in the area.”

“Man, I wish D.C. was here.” Smack said. “We could really use his help. Where the hell is he, anyway?”

“I don't know.” Morbid said, shrugging. “All I got was a text message. It said to meet him out here in the jungle.”

Knudsen said “He sent me an email saying the same thing. He said 'This time it ends'.”

“Yeah”, Smack said, “I got a post card, myself. It just had a map to this area and the words 'Xenu is back'. Why does D.C. have to be so damn mysterious all the time?”

“That's just his way”, Knudsen said, looking off into the distance and scratching his balls. “I suspect he knows what he's doing.”

The three super-cool heroes stopped talking then. There was a distant whirring sound from the east. Then another from the west, and another from the south. Soon the whirring sounds blended together into a loud drone coming from all directions. All three of the heroic freedom fighters knew that sound well. Old Knudsen shouted “The space-drones! Get yer weapons, lads. It's time to kick some extraterrestrial arse!”

They all ran to get their weapons. Old Knudsen's weapon of choice was an antique flame-thrower from WWII. “Lil' Sparky” he called it.

Morbid kept his special weapons in a large duffel bag – an assortment of machetes, kitchen knives, lawnmower blades, and, of course, his favorite implement of destruction: a wooden, blood-stained baseball bat with rusty nails and old razor blades sticking out of the end and sides, which he referred to as “Old Slugger”.

Captain Smack would normally use his long, sexy bull whip and his Cans O' Whupass for occasions such as this, but the goddamn airlines had lost his luggage again. Fucking TWA! It looked like he was going to have to use his sexy, bare hands. Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

A space-drone suddenly appeared. The drones were like flying robot-aliens that resembled large, floating jet skis with lazer blasters mounted on the sides. They moved through the air like sharks in the water. Some believed them to be just machines, while others contended that the drones were alive, that they somehow had souls. Nobody knew for sure, but one thing everyone could agree on: they were single-minded in their viciousness, and would fight to the death.

The drone stopped when it saw the small band of handsome rebels. It was about 500 feet away. Its headlights, which looked like evil, yellow eyes, suddenly narrowed, changing to red. It then spoke in a strange, other-worldly voice. “Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated, cocksuckers.”

“Oh, is that right?” Morbid yelled back. “Prepare to be Morbified, biatch!” and he reached into his duffel bag and brought out an old lawn mower blade. He threw it with stupendously heroic force. The drone watched as the blade flew right past it and into the jungle.

“Nice throw, Nancy” the drone mocked. “If that's the best you can do, then this is going to be easier than I thought. And they told me you Earth rebels were tough. Ha!”. As he was saying this, the lawnmower blade curved back around, as if it were a boomerang. The drone did not see it coming up from behind. Morbid smiled and waved at the drone, mouthing the words “Bye bye.”

The drone sneered. “Bye bye? Why, are you going somewh--” and then the lawnmower blade struck the drone's primary power source, sending sparks everywhere. The deadly robot instantly shut down and dropped to the ground with a thud.

Just then, three more drones appeared. “Holy shit” one of them said. “the Earthlings just killed XCZ-13!” All three of the drones whipped around towards the three bad-ass heroes. Their headlights went dark red.

“XCZ-13 was my best friend” the first drone said. “This time... it's personal.”

“Yeah” said the second drone. “No more Mr. Nice Guy.”

The third drone was silent. The other two drones just hovered there, waiting. Finally they turned to the third drone. “well? Aren't you going to say something?”

“Oh! Sorry, yeah.” He then cleared his throat with a metallic gurgle and looked at the three Earth rebels and said “So tell me, punks... are ya feeling lucky? Huh? Are ya?”

“Good one” the first drone said.

“Thanks” said the third drone. “I liked yours too.”

“I dunno” said the second drone. “I'm not sure if that line is appropriate for this specific situation. That line is better suited for a one-on-one stand off. You know what I mean?”

The first drone rolled his headlights. “Why do you always have to be so critical? You're such a control freak sometimes.”

“I'm just saying, if you're going to use a classic line like that, then use it in the right situation. For example...”

As they argued over the third drone's choice of movie clich├ęs, Morbid took stock of the situation. He knew that it would be difficult taking down three drones at once, and Captain Smack didn't even have his cans of Whupass with him. Then he noticed that Old Knudsen had disappeared. Where the hell was he? Probably in the goddamn tent, blogging again - and now these three drones where about to attack. God damn his obsessive blogging!

Morbid did not know that Old Knudsen had actually slipped unnoticed into the bushes and had made his way around behind the three drones. Crouching down, Knudsen gave his trusty flamethrower a few quick pumps, priming it. He then casually stepped out of the brush and aimed the flamethrower at the three bickering robots.

“Ah, no hard feelings, ya space cretins - let's be friends.” he said as they whipped around. “In fact, how about we all have a nice little barbecue?” Before the drones had a chance to make a move, they were engulfed in flames. The sticky fuel from the flamethrower covered them and they all shrieked loudly as they flew out of control. They exploded in the air, one by one.

“Ah well” Knudsen said, pulling out his laptop. “I guess not everyone likes barbecue after all. Which gives me an idea for another post.”

“Well, I'm glad that's over with” Captain Smack said. “Now then, where did I put that sweet jungle cantaloupe?”

“Not so fast, Cap'n”, Morbid said “One of the voices in my head is telling me that we're in great danger. What's that? Oh, I'm sorry, it said grave danger. Yeah? Well speak up next time, I can't hear you when you mumble. Hey, I didn't say to shout! Use your inside voice. Oh, no you don't! Don't you start singing that song! You know how much I hate Neil Diamond! You stop singing that right now, or I'll have Murderous Misanthrope do to you what he did to the neighbor's puppy, you whiny little...” he then stopped and looked up. “Holy shit!”

There were suddenly over a dozen drones, all around them. But these were not like the other drones. Besides being completely silent, these drones were sleek and black, with green headlights, red racing stripes, and totally killer looking spoilers on the back. It could only mean one thing...

“The 2008 models!” Knudsen yelled. “Dammit! I didn't think they were releasing the new drones until November!”

One of the drones fired its plasma-lazer blaster at Captain Smack, hitting him in the leg. He fell to the ground, cursing.

“Oh, I'm sorry” the drone said, feigning a bored yawn. “Did I accidentally hit your leg, Captain? My mistake. I was actually going for your balls.”

“Oh, great” Captain Smack said, rolling his eyes. “These drones are even bigger smart-asses than the older models.” He then ripped off a piece of his robe and wrapped it around his attractive thigh, like a tourniquet.

“I wouldn't bother with that, Smacko.” one of the drones said. “You aren't going to need any legs where you're going. In fact, I'd say all three of you meat puppets only have about 10 seconds to live. So. Any last words?”

The Captain started to say something very clever and witty, but his eyes started to water. “What the hell is that smell?”

Old Knudsen had been quietly farting the whole time. His flatulence filled the air like a warm, stinky, invisible cloud. The drones, however, didn't seem to notice. They must not have had any smell sensors installed... Knudsen whispered to the other two “Just follow my lead, lads.” He then spoke up to the drones “Well, I guess I have a few last words, if ya don't mind. Just three words, actually.”

“Yes? And what would they be?”

“Silent but deadly.”

He then dropped to the ground, as did Morbid and The Captain. He squeezed the handle of his flamethrower, and when he did, all that flatulence ignited, creating a magnificent fireball which shot up into the air. The drones scattered to get away, and when they did, the three manly rebels took off into the jungle.

“They're getting away!” the lead drone yelled. “That's it - let's finish these Earth monkeys off once and for all! Less talking... more KILLING!”

Old Knudsen found a small, murky pond to hide in. He laid down in the water and breathed through a hollow reed.

Morbid found a hollow tree and ducked into it. It wasn't the best hiding place, but it would have to do.

Captain Smack crouched down into some thick bushes. The drones were coming back now, frantically buzzing all around the area, looking for them. He watched as one of the drones slowly floated by, just past him. That was close. He suddenly realized, however, that he was not alone in the bushes. A giant anaconda was gently wrapping itself around his leg. Oh, great, he thought. Just what I fucking need.

Then he had an idea...

He grabbed the snake by its head. “I'm sorry to have to do this to you, buddy, but it's for a good cause.” He broke the snake's neck, killing it. He then grabbed a stone from the ground and threw it in the opposite direction of the nearby drone. The stone struck some bushes and the drone spun around. You could almost see it smile.

The Captain picked up a large rock with one hand and then grabbed the dead snake by the head with his other hand. As the drone sped by to investigate the sound it had heard, Smack jumped up out the bushes and snapped the snake's lifeless body like a bull whip, catching the drone by one of its lazer blasters. The Captain jerked up off of the ground and swung around, landing neatly on top of the drone, like he was riding a horse.

“Hey! Get off my back, you long haired freak!” the drone cried.

The Captain lifted the rock into the air and said “Sorry, R2D2, but I'm afraid it's your bedtime... so lights out!” and then he smashed the rock into each of the drone's headlights.

“I can't see, I can't see!” the drone screamed as it went out of control. Smack hopped off the drone and landed in a pile of moss just as the metallic death machine veered to the left, slamming into a tree. It exploded into a massive fireball. It screamed in agony, and then was quiet.

The Captain walked over to the burning wreckage. The glow from the fire lit up the highlights in his hair, making him even more attractive than usual. He noticed a utility hatch which must've come open during the crash. Inside was a fully loaded plasma-lazer blaster. He pulled it out of the hatch and smiled. “Well, well. I don't guess you'll be needing this anymore, will you?”

The drone was somehow still able to speak. “Up... your's... Earthling... cock... suckerrr...” it said, its voice now like a record playing at half speed. “You'll... be... sooorrrryyy...”

“Sure” Captain Smack said, pointing the plasma-lazer blaster at the drone's main power center. “Oh, and by the way - thanks for the ride.”

He blasted the drone into oblivion.

He heard another explosion nearby and heard Knudsen cry out “Got ya, ya little gurly machine!” The Captain ran over to where he was. Morbid came running also, carrying his duffel bag.

“Well, boys” Knudsen said, “no use hiding. It looks like we're just going to have to do it the hard way.” The other drones had heard the explosions and were on their way.

The first drone approached and shot at them. Morbid threw a knife at it, shattering one of its headlights. Captain Smack fired his plasma-lazer blaster knocking out the other headlight, sending it crashing into another drone. Smack and Morb were about to high-five each other, but then three more drones appeared. Knudsen got one with his flame thrower, while Smack knocked out another with 3 quick plasma blasts. Morbid threw two lawnmower blades at once, taking the third one out. He then announced “Shit - those were my last two blades. All I have left is Old Slugger. We may be in trouble, guys.”

As if to prove his point, six more drones appeared all at once. “This isn't good, boys” Knudsen said. “I'm almost out of gas. And I don't have much flamethrower fuel left either.”

“We're too heavily outnumbered!” The Captain said. “We can't do this without D.C. - we need some help, dammit! Where is he?”

Swinging his baseball bat at a drone with one hand, Morbid pulled his cell phone out of his pocket with the other and flipped it open. “Don't worry, guys - I know who to call.”

Meanwhile, back at the Bat Cave...

“Holy shit, Batman... this weed is fucking kicking my ass!”

“Yes, Boy Wonder, this is indeed some good shit...”

“True dat. It's the sticky icky. Man, I'm so high, it's like my head is ringing.”

“Me too, it's almost as if – hey, wait a minute! That's not your head ringing... that's the Bat Phone! Someone needs our help!”

They looked at each other a moment.

“Dude. Fuck that." Robin said, reaching for a bag of potato chips. "I'm, like, waaay too high to be crawling up buildings and shit. Let it go to voicemail.”

“Hmmm. Good point, my tightly-clad friend. Besides, it's probably just that Shelly chick wanting us to get her cat Fluffy down from a tree again. I tell ya... that girl's pussy ends up in the strangest places...”

“Right. That's what I'm saying. Fuck it. Besides, Desperate Housewives is on tonight. It's the season premier. We can't miss that."

"I think that's next week, actually. But, yeah, fuck it. Hey... I think this bowl's cached. Hand me the bag.”

“Sure, Bruce. Here ya go.”

“I told you, don't call me Bruce while I'm in my Bat Suit!”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry, Batman. Hey, since we're all decked out in our skin-tight hero costumes, do you want to... um, practice some of those, uh... wrestling moves?”

“You mean like the one where I grab you from behind and... ah, shit - the Bat Phone is ringing again! Just unplug the damn thing, will ya? It's starting to freak me out.”

“Fuck!” Morbid said, closing his phone. “No answer. They must be fighting crime or something.”

“Those ghey bat fuckers” Knudsen said, typing into his laptop furiously. He was now completely out of flamethrower fuel and was blogging about it. “They're probably doon each others bat caves right now I betcha. Looks like we're on our own, lads. Well, I guess it's a good day to die.”

Captain Smack blasted another drone, but each time he destroyed one, a new one seemed to pop out of nowhere. “Guys, I don't think I can hold them off much longer. I'm almost out of space-ammo. This might be your final post, Knudsen. Better make it a good one.”

“If we don't make it out of this one” Morbid said “then I just want to say that it's been an honor serving with you gentlemen.”

“Well, that's it.” Captain Smack said, throwing down his weapon. His face was covered in jungle dirt, yet he was still somehow sexy looking. “I just fired my last plasma-lazer cartridge. Only a miracle can save us now” he said, as a column of sweat ran down the tight muscles of his unusually well-defined pectoral region and then over his rock-solid abs, sparkling in the golden sunlight.

Drones began to gather around the three ass-kicking heroes, slowly circling them, like evil, metallic sharks of doominess. More drones arrived, and then more. Soon they were completly surrounded.

No ammo.

No escape.

No help on the way.

And they were completely out of beer.

What will they do?

To Be Continued...

(if I ever get around to it, that is.)


Gorilla Bananas said...

Batman got out of situations like this by allowing the cat woman to paw him when he was tied up. You guys will have to try the old "gay orgy" trick instead.


wow , that was some holiday you went on!

Miss B said...

my, my... i'm not usually one for space-alien science fiction, but today you amuse me, Captain... heh.

Miss Smack said...

Supreme Effort. Love the graphics!

Josh said...

I have always been impressed by people who can use their flatulence for good. Old Knudsen is my new hero.

Since when have Batman and Robyn been Ghey? I sure missed any signs of that over the years.

I feel honoured that we are getting this story for free. The likes of Tom Cruise have paid a fortune for a lesser tale.

Helen said...

The antiquities, Cap'n, try not to bust the Peruvian antiquities!!!

Madam Z said...

I am sooooo glad that Captain Smack does not hide his magnificent pecs and abs behind a fruity bat suit! If the next flock of drones are females, the battle may be fought by strange bedfellows.

gimme a minute said...

You're going to have to go down the 'can't we all just be friends?' road.

You may want to incapacitate Old Knudsen first.

WNG said...

My day was sucking monkey balls until I read this! THANK YOU!!!

jali said...

Can I put a link to this page on a forum? This was the shit!

Buffalo said...

I shall be eternally grateful that you are a figment of my imagination rather than the reverse. I would not want to live in your mind. The mere thought makes me tremble in terror.

Erica AP said...

Have you ever had sex with an alien? I bet Brad Pitt has...

Captain Smack said...

Mr. Bananas:
That's only for real emergencies. Besides, I told you we're out of beer.

I actually managed to get a little karaoke in, but I left out that part.

Miss B:
I never read science fiction either. I read to get away from science fiction.

Miss Smack:
I wouldn't have even posted this it if hadn't been for the pictures of DC/Willis and Knudsen/Connery. That was just too funny.

Dammit! Tom Cruise! I knew I was forgetting someone. If I do a part II, I'll have to work him in somehow. He's way funnier than Travolta.

What, those old things? Bah! We'll just build new ones.

Madam Z:
I like the "female drone" idea. I don't know why I didn't think of that myself. Can I use that?

Gimme a Minute:
You may be right. I never really considered just trying to talk it out.

If I save just one person from the monkey balls, it will have been worth it.

Of course, Jali, that would be nice. I'm glad you're back in action, by the way.

It's not as bad as it might seem, you just have to be good with a bull whip.

Not yet, but I'm working on it.

Prunella Jones said...

Damn, this is very exciting, Captain. You should be writing for Hollywood. I'd be willing to pay $10 to watch this. Well, actually I'd probably download it for free off of the internet since I hate going to the movies, but you know what mean.

I am a bit disappointed with the casting of Brad Pitt as you, however. In my red hot sex fantasies you look more like the Skipper from Gilligan's Island. I'll try to replace that image with Brad Pitt if you insist, but it probably won't have the same appeal when I picture you ordering me to be your little buddy.

anandamide said...

holy shit, smack. nothing for a week and then this? wow.

Captain Smack said...

I tried to get this produced in Hollywood, but they that no one would go and see it, it wasn't retarded enough.

As for the Skipper - I was going to cast him as me, but I thought people might think I was trying to infer that I was as sexy as him, so I decided to go with Pitt instead. I wanted to keep it believable.

Sort of like bipolar disorder, huh?

Madam Z said...

Captain, you may use anything of mine that you like.

Cunning Linguist said...

I have to admit. I didn't read a damn word of it but I will later. Promise. I'm still too busy wiping Dr.Pepper spritz from my monitor after I saw the Bradd Pitt/Captain Smack seperated at birth type picture. I gotta tell ya, the resemblance is uncanny.

Old Knudsen said...

Dc Warmington has really let his blog slide but don't tell him I said that. Hiding in stagnant ponds in the jungle is a young man's game and things tend to swim up yer cock. I used to like barbeques but all that protein made me fart, ya can't stalk Charlie in the jungle with big juicy farts blurting out every 5 mins, they can smell ya before they see ya, then theres the dysentery which I first got in Burma under Stilwell but he said I was ok and to just get out there ya lazy fucker and kill some japs, well I cut the seat out of my trousers that way I never got lost, I'd just follow the trail home which gives me an idea about a post on a tribe of jungle gheys.

Fatman said...

Mr. T is Xenu? Good luck on surviving the week. I know for a fact that he won't put with with your "candy assed jibbah jabbah". I truly pity you....Fool!

Jo said...

I love an epic.
I read a bit, then had to have a rest, then fifteen minutes later I was ready to go again.

Now I kind of feel like a cigarette.

Helen said...

Well after seeing those pecs and abs I can see why you were a nude model...

Maybe in part two you could throw in a caveat as you bound down the side of a ziggurat while blasting drones

**per World Heritage Department of Antiquities regulations, no ruins were damaged in the conduct of this inter-galactic war. The Captain, Old Knudsen, and Morbid Misanthrope support the continued and exhaustive efforts to retain the integrity of sites able to reveal archaeological evidence of previous cultures and peoples.**

NYCPonderings Chick said...

wow, kudos to that effort right there, now that's a story, and honestly I think the comparison of captain smack to brad pitt is well in line with the truth

Captain Smack said...

Madam Z:
aww yehhh...

Cunning Linguist:
A DNA test may be in order.

Mr Knudsen:
Good point, things should not swim up your cock, it's an outtie, not an innie.

I'd forgotten about the jibbah jabbah. Hmmm. I'll definitely have to work that in. Maybe in the form of a Jibbah Jabbah gun or something.

Yes, it's fairly long, but then this is the director's cut. The focus groups said to cut out the whole part about the anaconda, but what do they know?

Wow, that's a great idea. Maybe have a lawyer along to throw in legal disclaimers every now and then.

NYCPonderings Chick:
Why does everyone keep using the word "effort"? Maybe I overestimated this one... well, it's not Shakespeare, but at least it had good special effects.

jali said...

Here's the link to your link.

MsPuddin said...

I am curious now to learn about your childhood. You have a very interesting rendition of such things. Amazing post...


The Little Cheese said...

Erm, can I be an extra? I have the costume and everything.

Captain Smack said...

Cool, Jali. Thanks. That looks like an interesting website.

I don't remember my childhood. I woke up naked underneath a pool table in a juke joint at the age of 19, and that's all I remember.

It just now occured to me how odd that sounds...

Little Cheese:
You'll have to come in for an audition. Or maybe I should say "audition". Bring the costume.

Miller said...

I can't wait for the sequel. Who will be directing?

Steph said...

Christ on a cracker! What an epic! I vote for more man on man action between Batman and Robin in the next installment, PLEASE ;)

Bock the Robber said...

Sadly, Mr Warmington passed away some time ago. Or perhaps not.

Zoning Out Again said...

Are you going to go on vacation again in order to write part 2?

Great post man! But then again, you are a writer for Scrubs, correct?

Me-likes the Captain Pitt photo!
Was that for me? You prove that the nurse photo over at Uber's was just a farse? Uh huh.

GT said...

Are Elvis and Jesus going to help out? Can you get from heaven to Earth?

More questions. My bad. Might want to forward that to them as well.

phishez_rule said...

Well, you made it back so I guess you won in the end. Do I need to come back to find that out?

cooper green said...

"No ammo. No escape. No help on the way. And they were completely out of beer."

The "out of beer" mantra eliminates the 9-1-1 option, but the Yellow Cabs option shines. There's a roving charge, but otherwise a happy ending. You're welcome, Captain Smack.

Cunning Linguist said...

Oh, no you don't! Don't you start singing that song! You know how much I hate Neil Diamond! .... my vote for best line of Episode 1.

Also... what ever happened to the jungle cantaloupes? Do I detect a foreshadow here?

Helen said...

Cap'n, that's a great idea, you could work him in and (drumroll) Cruise could revitalize his THE FIRM role to play the lawyer that wears a massive sandwich board clearing your band of deviants of all financial and punitive responsibility if others are stupid enough to take on Xenu or the World Heritage Assoc. Or you could just have Jesus do it, I don't think there's a culture stupid enough to crucify (metaphorically or literally) him again after that whole Holocaust thing.

Helen said...

Kidding, don't crucify me for going there, you were all thinking it.

mistery said...

your blog rocks... big time. very amusing. images are really cool. makes me ashamed at my own paltry efforts. anyway, i've added this site to my blogroll.


portal to the multiverse
wicked and sick
manic memes
pathetic poetry
mumbo jumbo
very short stories
ATLF: authorised bulletins

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Dude. Bruce Willis is a hack compared to that stud of blogliness D.C. Warmington.

Captain Smack said...

We're negotiating that now. Perhaps David Lynch.

I think you're confusing this epic with the popular porn spin-off, "the BAT man and Bobbin' Robbin"

Bock the Robber:
My understanding is that that turned out to be a joke, or hoax. You can email me for the details if you like.

Um... yeah... a farse, of course. That nurse photo was like, totally just a farce. Exactly. *cough*

Jesus is taking a while to get back to you, isn't he? I think his next WWJD column is coming up next week.

Well, of course, but don't you want to know how we made it out? And don't you want to hear how I nailed Space Girl #9?

Cooper Green:
Thank you, I was looking for a way to wrap this up. Or maybe have John Travolta drive up in a Honda Accord and jump out and say "Who ordered a large pepperoni with extra cheese?"

Cunning Linguist:
The backstory on that (which will be explained on the extended DVD release): the song was actually "Sweet Caroline". As for the canteloups... there's a "twist" ending. (get it?)

I don't know, Helen. I once saw a t-shirt that said "If Jesus comes back, we'll nail His ass again."

I don't get it. Is this supposed to be spam?

I hear you. Bruce couldn't blog his way out of a wet paper bag. He dangles his participles, mixes his tenses, and ends sentences with prepositions.

Cunning Linguist said...

ok folks... I see reason enough to put up the plastic as though we were going to go see a Gallagher show. It's the "twist". Trust me on this one.

Zoning Out Again said...

Now I'm confused as ever!!!!
Hmmmm. I give up! I'm just going with the Brad Pitt thing from here on out!!!

BTW, If you're such great friends with Jesus and Elvis, why don't they have their own avatars and why don't they comment here with the rest of us. *winks and hints an idea* ;0D

Anonymous said...

So many questions so little time... what is a cantaloupe? for example and how do you say ghey? ... and how do you see through head lights?

Anonymous said...

First Kitty Porn on youtube and now epic stories with fascinating pics. Sadly, you may just have too much time on your hands.

I should hang a bag of cheetos from a stick and make you run around the block a few times. Excercise is important to keep the creative juices going you know. :>


Captain Smack said...

Cunning Linguist:
Gallagher was a true comic genius. (NOTE: if you are Gallagher and got to this page by googling "Gallagher was a true comic genius", then please feel free to assume that I'm not being sarcastic).

Hey, that's a really good idea! How come my agent didn't think of that? What the hell am I paying her for, anyway?

You don't know what a cantaloupe is? Gee willikers, man, what the hell do you Brits eat over there, anyway, rocks and twigs? And I know you know what ghey is, I've seen you hanging around in Knudsen's neighborhood.

As for how they see through headlights, I think they just have to squint really hard.

Proxima Blue:
Exercise is for the weak, I keep my metabolism up with 20 cups of coffee a day, that's how a real man does it.

Oh, and I sometimes get exercise running from angry mobs, although that's only about once a week.

cooper green said...

Or somebody else (not me) could just copy a really long, well thought out comment off of someone's blog and then leave it as a comment on another blog. The comment probably wouldn't make much sense, but at least it would look like you were trying.

Captain Smack said...

Your humorous comment made me laugh out loud.

kiki said...

stop eating so much cheese man...

Captain Smack said...

He's right, except for the part about dolphins being evil. It's the penguins who are evil.

morbid misanthrope said...

Holy crap! I thought all that cool stuff only happened in my head when I went into my most recent diabetic coma. The waitress at Chang's Tofu House gave me a regular coke instead of a diet coke--and like the old racist limerick goes, I think there was also pee-pee in it.

Man, that adventure was like Die Hard blowing up Star Wars with a missile launched from Steven Seagal's sandwich-shaped missile launcher. Epic. Wait until everyone finds out we managed to win the battle when we figured out how to go all super saiyan like Goku from Dragon Ball Z. Who knew the secret to anime-based super powers could be found inside a melon you were about to have your way with?

phishez_rule said...

Well, I guess I'll have to keep checking back then. Space Girl #9 is way hotter and more flexible than any of the others. Except maybe #4. She gets around.

wallycrawler said...

This is fuck'n brilliant!

I'll never have time again to finish it, so don't bother.

Captain Smack said...

My special anime power is to have sex with catholic school girls in mid-air while moving only my lips.

Space Girl #4 definitely knows her way around a mattress, but I just don't feel a "spiritual" connection with her. That's important to me.

I think we're on the same page.

bittersweet me said...

'bad-ass heroes' .. should there be any other kind?

The drones made me laugh. Am looking forward to the next episode.

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About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.