I have several cans of whupass here at the house. I keep them under the kitchen sink, and they've been sitting there for quite some time. There have recently been several situations in which a can of whupass would've come in handy, but they always come up when I'm out in public, and I can never seem to remember to take a can with me when I go out. They aren't like condoms, you know; you can't just stick one in your wallet and forget about it. And I don't want to leave one in my car, especially during the summer. It gets so hot in there, I'm afraid it would explode while I'm driving around. You really don't want to accidentally open a can of whupass while you're driving around.
The problem is that I can't tell if the whupass is still any good. There doesn't seem to be an expiration date on any of the the cans, and I'm not sure how long I've had them. Does whupass go stale? I would really hate to be out in public, get into a conflict with someone, and then open up a can of stale whupass. I'm not sure what would happen, but I imagine there would be a short, pathetic “hiss”, and then a little poof of smoke would come out. That would be really embarrassing, especially if there were women watching.
I remember this one time when I had a disagreement with this redneck guy at a pool hall. The argument had to do with the beer we were drinking. He seemed to think that the most significant quality of the beer was that it was less filling. I, on the other hand, felt that the most important aspect of the beer was that it tasted great. But this stubborn S.O.B., he just wouldn't let it go. He started yelling “less filling”, so I started yelling back “tastes great”. We got all up in each other's faces and started yelling back and forth at each other “less filling”, “tastes great”, “less filling”, “tastes great”, etc. This went on for about 20 or 30 minutes, but, for some reason, I just couldn't seem to turn the guy around on the subject.
Now, I'm kind of an intellectual, and I enjoy a good philosophical debate from time to time, but it seemed that no matter how loud I yelled “tastes great”, the stupid neanderthal just couldn't grasp my point of view. I decided that the only way to come out on top in this cerebral jousting match was to open up a can of whupass. I didn't want to do it; it's not like I go around looking for trouble, but the guy kind of forced my hand.
A few of my friends were sitting nearby, and I motioned for one of them to toss me a can. Priscilla tossed one over, and I immediately opened it up. I should've looked at the can more closely, but it all happened so fast that I didn't even notice that she had tossed me a can of the girl whupass. Oh no! Not the GIRL whupass! Next thing I knew, I was all over the redneck guy, scratching him and pulling his hair, calling him a slut, a bitch, a whore. I couldn't control myself, I began hitting him with my purse and everyone started cheering me on - but in a mocking, sarcastic way. It was humiliating. I mean, don't get me wrong – I'm not one of these macho, alpha male types... I'm totally in touch with my “chick” side and all that - but when it comes to whupass, I need the man-strength stuff. They really should make the cans of girl whupass bright pink, so you can tell them apart.
The worst part was that after the fight, the guy ended up giving me his phone number. I never called him, of course. That whole “country boy” thing is such a turn off.
As for my current problem, I'm still not sure what to do. I would just open up one of these old cans here at the house, to see if the whupass is still fresh, but I'm not sure what the effects would be. I'm afraid the whupass will still be full strength, and then it might linger around the house, waiting for someone to come along. What if a couple of Mormons came by to save my soul? I might open the door and accidentally expose them to the whupass. I'm not crazy about all these religious types, but I'd hate to inadvertently open a can of whupass on a Mormon. They seem so clean and polite.
Maybe I'll just sell these old cans of whupass on eBay. Let somebody else deal with it. In the meantime, I'll carry some nunchucks around, just in case. Nunchucks aren't as reliable as a can of whupass, but they should get me by in a pinch.