Thursday, July 26, 2007

Before we get to this week's mail, let's take a look at how Jesus stacks up against a few of the other top performing prophets. When it comes time to decide who to go to for advice, take the following into consideration:

  • Doesn't give advice, expects you to figure everything out yourself.
  • Always answers a question with a question, very annoying.
  • Highly cryptic, hard to figure out what he's going on about.
  • Never checks his email.

  • Very busy these days, has little time for giving advice.
  • Lousy sense of humor.
  • Doesn't speak English that well.
  • Is kind of a dick to women.

Joseph Smith:
  • Cannot be trusted. Lies at the drop of a hat.
  • Has pedophilic tendencies.
  • Does not have a cool, prophetic-sounding name. Joe the Prophet. Right.
  • All-around douche. Owes Jesus $20.

L. Ron Hubbard:
  • Looks like an overweight insurance salesman from Kansas.
  • Charges lots of money to help you.
  • Tom Cruise.
  • Wears a Captain's hat, but is not a real Captain.

  • A good listener.
  • Non-judgmental, won't throw rocks at you.
  • Understands todays kids, and makes an effort to stay “hip” and/or “rad”.
  • Hangs out with Elvis.
  • Is endorsed by the Galactic Council of Prophets and Demi-Gods.
  • Has won many awards, including Best Little Prophet, Most Consistently Entertaining Prophet, and Prophet of the Century.
  • Has cool hair and wise-looking beard.
  • Has twice as many bullet-points as the other prophets.

Now then:

(note: some questions have been edited for grammer so that they make sense.)

From Erica AP

Dear Jesus,

Why is the girl in my building always looking at me? Does she hate me or just plotting some revenge because I used the last paper towel in the bathroom?

Erica AP

Dear Erica,

I really have no idea. I don't secretly watch over everyone or monitor their thoughts. That's my dad's job.

That being said, have you thought of approaching this girl and talking to her about it? In my experience, making an attempt to reach out can often lead to positive results. Or sometimes you get nailed to something, that happens occasionally, but usually you can just talk things out.

Bless ya,

Elvis adds:

Hey, maybe she's a lesbo or something. I bet she is. I done seen your pic, baby, you look hot. So what does this other chick look like? Maybe you oughta' do what JC says, and go up and talk to her. Hey, you oughta' invite her up to your apartment, give her a drink, might help break the ice. Maybe help her relax by giving her a little neck rub. Yeah. Do all that, then email us back and let us know how it went.

Hubba hubba,

From Morbid Misanthrope

Dear Jesus,

What exactly constitutes taking your name in vain? I always thought saying something like, "Jesus Christ! I stubbed my toe on the recliner again!" was a good example, but this pastor with a goatee that plays acoustic guitar at my AA meetings says saying "goddammit" is just as bad. We agreed to disagree, but after I keyed his car I realized I needed a legitimate answer. I appreciate the help. And thanks in advance for forgiving me for all that blasphemy and alcohol-fueled violence against the elderly and mentally challenged. Peace and pretzels, homeslice.

Your pal,
Morbid Misanthrope

Dear Mr. Misanthrope,

The concept of taking the Lord's name in vain is one that was mostly lost in translation. It originally meant that you are not supposed to pray for stupid, trivial things, like the outcome of a football game, or for malicious things, like ill will on an enemy.

I get a great many prayers for the most ridiculous things you could imagine. It doesn't matter anyway, because I answer about .001% of all prayers that come in as it is.

Back in the old days, answering prayers was not such a big deal. But the planet's population has doubled over and over again, plus Christianity has become much more popular. And when you consider the fact that some people - particularly in the Southern USA - pray 5 or 6 times a DAY, it becomes a real hassle. I've had to hire an office full of workers just to go through all the prayers and weed out the the one's that are obviously not getting answered. To keep spirits up around the office, I have each employee submit their most ridiculous prayers to be awarded “Stupidest Prayer of the Week”. Whoever wins gets a small bonus and a box of wine. One woman recently prayed for her best friend's boobs to get smaller, so that her own boobs would seem larger by comparison. I didn't understand why she didn't just pray for larger boobs?

Anyway, don't worry about the curse words, but please stop praying for California to sink, you're wasting your time. We already have it scheduled to sink in 2014, and we're not moving the date up.

Bless you my child,

From Prunella Jones

Dear Jesus,

Why is your dad such a dick? Also I'm curious as to what your favorite Grateful Dead song might be.


Dear Pru,

You think he's a dick now, you should've seen him when I was a teenager. God, what an asshole. See, Dad's from the old school, and he's not exactly a “people” person, so his methods can sometimes come across as a little harsh. They worked well enough for many years, but then we started losing members in great numbers. That's the main reason I was sent in, to act as a more relaxed mediary between Pops and all of you.

My advice? Avoid irony like the plague. Whenever he's in one of his moods and is doling out the misery, the best thing to do is avoid any situation that seems the least bit ironic, because that's how he gets you. He does that irony bit to death, it never seems to get old for him. I hope that helps, Pru.

As for my favorite Dead tune, I like the song “Friend of the Devil”. I like that line in the chorus “A friend of the Devil is a friend of mine” because I actually do have a dear, dear friend who is also good friends with Mephistopheles, so that song is kind of an inside joke between us.

Yours truly,

From Zoning Out Again

So Dear you know who,
Is that Captain Smack posing in his subliminal message at the end of his very sick and twisted yet very funny video? and if so....I'm feeling sick because it screws up all of my crazy fantasies!

Also, can you send me some instructions on how to put a cool video together like that for myself? Thanks J!

~Zoning Out Again

Dear Zoning Out Again,

I will forward your email to Captain Smack, as it seems that you are speaking to him, rather than me. I can tell you, however, that the subliminal picture in the video is not of him, as he is male and therefore does not have mammalian protuberances. I did see the commercial he made for my advice column, but have no idea how he went about it.


Elvis said:

Jesus and Smack are both messing with your head, sugar, but I'll set you straight. That pic actually is “Captain Smack”, who's really a hot 22 year old chick from Miami. She's been stringing y'all along this whole time. In fact, she's got this other blog where she pretends to be a sixty-something year old Scottish dude.

Jesus said:

I assure you, that is not the case.

Captain Smack said:

That's right, Zoning, Elvis is just pulling your leg. I'm totally not a chick.

Elvis said:

I ain't pulling nothing, sweetheart. Captain Smack's a chick. She puts in all these little clues, there's usually one in every post, but nobody ain't caught on yet. It's pretty funny.

Captain Smack said:

Ok, enough of that. I'm totally a dude.

Well, that's it for this week, kids. Jesus and Elvis have left the building.

If you want some advice from a guy who has literally been to Hell and back, then contact Jesus at

And remember: no question is too stupid for Jesus. Although he does appreciate good grammer, but whatever, it's no biggie.


Old Knudsen 2.0 said...

sixty-something year old Scottish dude.

There can be only one. I thought I looked about 45.

Jesus was invented to appeal to the young uns, like a sequel with kids in it or an animated monkey and they drop the "18" rating.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Captain Smack is really Jesus. He always makes Jesus cool and wise, while Elvis is a dickhead. Look how Smack and Jesus took the same side in that argument with Elvis.

neko said...

wait!! i have one:

dear j

why did you / your dad make people fallable then punish them for it?

dazed and confused,

Miss Smack said...

ha, great stuff, mate. Nice work. I think this helpline stuff could really take off !


The next, second annual Best Post of All Time!
Of course, it's genius!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

So... if you were to work out the "talking it out" versus "getting nailed to something" ratio, what would it look like?

I'm just trying to get odds on what will happen to me if I try to talk out a problem with one of my neighbors with a pine bat.

Erica AP said...

Thanks for the advice J... And Elvis. I hope I don't hurt your feelings Captain but I think I'm going to try Elvis' advice first. Maybe after our love session I will ask her why she stares at me. It's always easier to talk after sex. You know?

Captain Smack said...

Old Knudsen 2.0:
Which Jesus are you talking about? My Jesus, the Bible's Jesus or one of the other Jesii? There are so many of them... Republican Jesus, Vampire Jesus, Cowboy Jesus, Soloflex Jesus, Gay Jesus, Junky Jesus (he has extra holes), Redneck Jesus, Overweight Jesus, Gangsta Jezus, 9-to-5 Jesus (he brings home the bacon), and then, of course, Lady Jesus (she's pretty hot, even with the beard).

But there is room in this universe for only one Knudsen, that is true.

Gorilla Bananas:
"Captain Smack is really Jesus"

While that appeals to my inner megalomaniac, I have to disagree. I try to live based on the teachings of Jesus and Elvis, as well as the secret messages encoded on the Beach Boys album "Endless Summer" (listen to it on DMT, you'll see). They just have different approaches, that's all.

You'll have to ask Jesus, he doesn't read this blog. I would ask him for you, but he's at the beach today. He likes to surf.

Miss Smack:
I hope so, for Jesus' sake. He's been wanting to utilize the internet, to get a hand up on those other guys. But it's all about spreading the love.

Did you like the part about "Best Little Prophet" and all that? That was for you, baby.

Queen of Dysfunction:
The chances of getting nailed are pretty slim, about the same as getting eaten by a shark. It's something to avoid, but it shouldn't keep you out of the water. As for your neighbor, let me guess... barking dog? If it's a barking dog, then a pine bat sounds about right (for the neighbor, not the dog).

I'll tell them thanks for you. Actually, I was kind of siding with Elvis on that one myself. Please be sure to get back with us on how that goes, and don't skimp on the details.

GT said...

Dear Jesus

What is heaven like? Is it standard for everyone or customised to what we think it will be like i.e. The Matrix? Did you and Elvis like that movie? What about the sequels?

What will I appear as when I reach heaven? Is it the appearance I was when I die or will I look like what people saw me as when they were alive?

Sincerely sorry for so many questions in one....question.

Sorry for all that other...stuff I have done as well.


SamD said...

It's great writing. Worthy of kings indeed.

Captain Smack said...

That's a good question. Or questions. I'll pass it along to Jesus.

Thank you Sam, I'm justa' jester.

Miller said...

Does Jesus drink beer? If he hangs out with Elvis, then I assume he drinks beer. If so, what brand of beer does he drink? WWJD? (What Would Jesus Drink?)

I want to drink the same beer that Jesus drinks. That's how devoted I am.

GT said...


Captain Smack said...

These days, Jesus prefers the subtleties and nuances of wine - but when he's slumming it, he tends to alternate between Bud (the KING of beers) and King Cobra (the KING of, um, well, cobras, I guess...)


LOL That is so sweet! That went under the radar so I must be losing my "edge".

morbid misanthrope said...

2014? So I suppose that means the world isn't coming to an end in 2012. Well, I suppose I can live with that. I'll agree to stop praying for California to sink into the ocean (an ocean I prayed would actually be either on fire or made of snakes), but I can't really stop praying for malicious things. I have a lot of ill will, and if I weren't praying for the slow, painful deaths of my enemies and people that just kind of bug me, I would never pray at all. I have to assume Jesus would rather I pray sometimes, even if they aren't benevolent prayers, than just quit acknowledging Him alltogether.

By the way, I think that girl prayed that her friend's breasts would get smaller instead of her own getting bigger because, although she feels somewhat inadequate in the chestal region, she wouldn't want to look like a slut. It’s a well-known fact that broads with small boobs think girls with big boobs are sluts. If Jesus wants, he can borrow some of my college psychology books. Most of those books are, like, nothing but chapter after chapter about women’s self-image issues.

Miss Smack said...

Captain, my dear friend Katie, (on my blogroll) has a fantastic picture of Jesus on her blog. I also recommended you to her and she's already mucho impressed.


jewgirl said...

sweet honeysmack sent me to you and I think I love you hard. you are one deliciously sick, dark funny bloke.

you might become my new addiction.

Steph said...

Can you ask Jebus why he smites me at every turn? Am I that bad a person that I have to be shat on from above ALL the time?? Shouldn't he be picking on someone like George Bush for fucks sake!!!!

anandamide said...

Jesus may hang out with Elvis, but Buddha is shaped more like Elvis...

Prunella Jones said...

Hey thanks for answering my question, Jesus. You're an okay guy and I love your sandles. I hope you're not terribly offended by the Darwin sticker on my car, and my "Religion is the opiate of the masses" tee shirt. It's nothing personal. I have no problem with your teachings, and I like quite a few of them. It's just that most of the people who claim to love you and live their lives by your word are insufferable assholes who make me want to puke with their hypocrisy. Can't you do something about that?

Captain Smack said...

You're losing it and I'm going over it.

I myself was disappointed to find out that the world wasn't ending in 2012. I already hired a band and everything. I'll pass that along to JC about the textbooks, but I believe he's already taking a psychology course at the community college.

Miss Smack:
That is one hell of a Jesus pic, no doubt. Thanks for the heads up - and I love her blog.

Addicted to Smack, shame on you. Oh, but I do love your blog, it's like candy for my brain; hard and crunchy on the outside, but jewy on the inside! Mmmm.

I know it annoys him when people call him "Jebus", so that might have something to do with it.

That was Vegas Elvis. The Elvis here is 1955 Comeback Elvis.

Yeah, Christians kind of freak Him out too, from what I understand. I'll pass your message along, but it's kind of a touchy subject...

Fatman said...

Captain...or Jesus or whoever,

I've been thinking about necrophilia a lot recently. Not thinking about performing it or anything. Just thinking about it due to those dudes in Wisconsin who got caught trying to dig up a dead chick and sticking their dicks in her rotting corpse. My question is this: If Lazarus has sex with a woman, is she performing some form of necrophilia? Like, passive necrophilia or something? And would this extend to guys like Dracula?

Yours, etc.

Captain Smack said...

JC's surfing, but I think I know this one. I believe, in the case of laz - since it was an official miracle and all - that it would not be considered necrophilia. As for Dracula, I don't think vampires have sex.

Zoning Out Again said...

Well, I'm still suspicious about Captain Smack's gender! Everytime I hit on him he seems to shy away like a little bi'yatch. :0}

I'll ask him to teach me how to create a video like the one he did for the special announcement. Maybe if I promise to send him some provocative footage it will provide some motivation.

I like watching J-man, Elvis and Captain Crack argue. Especially at Caps expense.
I'm kidding,
you know I LUZZ U and that you are my FAVORITE SICKO!!!!!!!

Zoning Out Again said...

Well, I'm still suspicious about Captain Smack's gender! Everytime I hit on him he seems to shy away like a little bi'yatch. :0}

I'll ask him to teach me how to create a video like the one he did for the special announcement. Maybe if I promise to send him some provocative footage it will provide some motivation.

I like watching J-man, Elvis and Captain Crack argue. Especially at Caps expense.
I'm kidding,
you know I LUZZ U and that you are my FAVORITE SICKO!!!!!!!

The Little Cheese said...

Is this Jesus mail a free service or do I have to do a rosary each time or something?

Captain Smack said...

That sounds like a good deal. You send me that footage, I'll give you an in-depth crash course in video editing.

Little Cheese:
It's free, LC, but Jesus does appreciate a good footrub.

Wanderlusting said...

See this blog is exactly would Jesus would do. Brilliant and fuckin' on the money - especially about the Captain's hat(and coming from a Christian that's gotta mean something).

About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.