This Is Your Captain Speaking

Before we get to this week's mail, let's take a look at how Jesus stacks up against a few of the other top performing prophets. When it comes time to decide who to go to for advice, take the following into consideration:

Buddha:

• Doesn't give advice, expects you to figure everything out yourself.
• Always answers a question with a question, very annoying.
• Highly cryptic, hard to figure out what he's going on about.
• Never checks his email.

Mohammed:

• Very busy these days, has little time for giving advice.
• Lousy sense of humor.
• Doesn't speak English that well.
• Is kind of a dick to women.

Joseph Smith:

• Cannot be trusted. Lies at the drop of a hat.
• Has pedophilic tendencies.
• Does not have a cool, prophetic-sounding name. Joe the Prophet. Right.
• All-around douche. Owes Jesus $20.

L. Ron Hubbard:

• Looks like an overweight insurance salesman from Kansas.
• Charges lots of money to help you.
• Tom Cruise.
• Wears a Captain's hat, but is not a real Captain.

Jesus:

• A good listener.
• Non-judgmental, won't throw rocks at you.
• Understands todays kids, and makes an effort to stay “hip” and/or “rad”.
• Hangs out with Elvis.
• Is endorsed by the Galactic Council of Prophets and Demi-Gods.
• Has won many awards, including Best Little Prophet, Most Consistently Entertaining Prophet, and Prophet of the Century.
• Has cool hair and wise-looking beard.
• Has twice as many bullet-points as the other prophets.

Now then:


(note: some questions have been edited for grammer so that they make sense.)

From Erica AP

Dear Jesus,

Why is the girl in my building always looking at me? Does she hate me or just plotting some revenge because I used the last paper towel in the bathroom?

Erica AP

Dear Erica,

I really have no idea. I don't secretly watch over everyone or monitor their thoughts. That's my dad's job.

That being said, have you thought of approaching this girl and talking to her about it? In my experience, making an attempt to reach out can often lead to positive results. Or sometimes you get nailed to something, that happens occasionally, but usually you can just talk things out.

Bless ya,
Jesus


Elvis adds:

Hey, maybe she's a lesbo or something. I bet she is. I done seen your pic, baby, you look hot. So what does this other chick look like? Maybe you oughta' do what JC says, and go up and talk to her. Hey, you oughta' invite her up to your apartment, give her a drink, might help break the ice. Maybe help her relax by giving her a little neck rub. Yeah. Do all that, then email us back and let us know how it went.

Hubba hubba,
Elvis

From Morbid Misanthrope

Dear Jesus,

What exactly constitutes taking your name in vain? I always thought saying something like, "Jesus Christ! I stubbed my toe on the recliner again!" was a good example, but this pastor with a goatee that plays acoustic guitar at my AA meetings says saying "goddammit" is just as bad. We agreed to disagree, but after I keyed his car I realized I needed a legitimate answer. I appreciate the help. And thanks in advance for forgiving me for all that blasphemy and alcohol-fueled violence against the elderly and mentally challenged. Peace and pretzels, homeslice.

Your pal,
Morbid Misanthrope

Dear Mr. Misanthrope,

The concept of taking the Lord's name in vain is one that was mostly lost in translation. It originally meant that you are not supposed to pray for stupid, trivial things, like the outcome of a football game, or for malicious things, like ill will on an enemy.

I get a great many prayers for the most ridiculous things you could imagine. It doesn't matter anyway, because I answer about .001% of all prayers that come in as it is.

Back in the old days, answering prayers was not such a big deal. But the planet's population has doubled over and over again, plus Christianity has become much more popular. And when you consider the fact that some people - particularly in the Southern USA - pray 5 or 6 times a DAY, it becomes a real hassle. I've had to hire an office full of workers just to go through all the prayers and weed out the the one's that are obviously not getting answered. To keep spirits up around the office, I have each employee submit their most ridiculous prayers to be awarded “Stupidest Prayer of the Week”. Whoever wins gets a small bonus and a box of wine. One woman recently prayed for her best friend's boobs to get smaller, so that her own boobs would seem larger by comparison. I didn't understand why she didn't just pray for larger boobs?

Anyway, don't worry about the curse words, but please stop praying for California to sink, you're wasting your time. We already have it scheduled to sink in 2014, and we're not moving the date up.

Bless you my child,
Jesus

From Prunella Jones

Dear Jesus,

Why is your dad such a dick? Also I'm curious as to what your favorite Grateful Dead song might be.

Thanks,
Pru.

Dear Pru,

You think he's a dick now, you should've seen him when I was a teenager. God, what an asshole. See, Dad's from the old school, and he's not exactly a “people” person, so his methods can sometimes come across as a little harsh. They worked well enough for many years, but then we started losing members in great numbers. That's the main reason I was sent in, to act as a more relaxed mediary between Pops and all of you.

My advice? Avoid irony like the plague. Whenever he's in one of his moods and is doling out the misery, the best thing to do is avoid any situation that seems the least bit ironic, because that's how he gets you. He does that irony bit to death, it never seems to get old for him. I hope that helps, Pru.

As for my favorite Dead tune, I like the song “Friend of the Devil”. I like that line in the chorus “A friend of the Devil is a friend of mine” because I actually do have a dear, dear friend who is also good friends with Mephistopheles, so that song is kind of an inside joke between us.

Yours truly,
Jesus

From Zoning Out Again

So Dear you know who,
Is that Captain Smack posing in his subliminal message at the end of his very sick and twisted yet very funny video? and if so....I'm feeling sick because it screws up all of my crazy fantasies!

Also, can you send me some instructions on how to put a cool video together like that for myself? Thanks J!

Respectfully,
~Zoning Out Again

Dear Zoning Out Again,

I will forward your email to Captain Smack, as it seems that you are speaking to him, rather than me. I can tell you, however, that the subliminal picture in the video is not of him, as he is male and therefore does not have mammalian protuberances. I did see the commercial he made for my advice column, but have no idea how he went about it.

Sincerely,
Jesus

Elvis said:

Jesus and Smack are both messing with your head, sugar, but I'll set you straight. That pic actually is “Captain Smack”, who's really a hot 22 year old chick from Miami. She's been stringing y'all along this whole time. In fact, she's got this other blog where she pretends to be a sixty-something year old Scottish dude.

Jesus said:

I assure you, that is not the case.

Captain Smack said:

That's right, Zoning, Elvis is just pulling your leg. I'm totally not a chick.

Elvis said:

I ain't pulling nothing, sweetheart. Captain Smack's a chick. She puts in all these little clues, there's usually one in every post, but nobody ain't caught on yet. It's pretty funny.

Captain Smack said:

Ok, enough of that. I'm totally a dude.

Well, that's it for this week, kids. Jesus and Elvis have left the building.

If you want some advice from a guy who has literally been to Hell and back, then contact Jesus at WTFWJD@mail.com.

And remember: no question is too stupid for Jesus. Although he does appreciate good grammer, but whatever, it's no biggie.