Tuesday, August 7, 2007

A Happy Ending

This is a story about me going to a party and ending up in someone's bush. There are nipples in this story. And beer. But mostly it's just me acting like a jackass.

I'm at this party, and me and a few other people are standing around in the front yard, drinking beer and talking. I suddenly become the entertainer. I'm making jokes, telling little stories and acting out all the parts, etc. I really get on a roll, too, and I've got everyone cracking up. I was "on" that night.

Meanwhile, there's this guy walking around at the party, and he's not wearing a shirt. It's not like it's a hot night or anything - in fact, it's a little chilly outside - but this guy's pretty muscular, obviously works out a lot, and wants to make sure everyone knows it. I just love subtlety, don't you? Anyway, while he's walking around flexing and preening, I'm busy working my little crowd there. I'm building up steam and getting more and more animated. Everyone's laughing and having a good time, when Shirtless Guy walks over and joins the fun. Surfing that wave, I turn to him and say “Hey, it's Hulk Hogan. Go put some clothes on, dude, you're gonna get pneumonia”. I then punctuate the statement by pinching his nipple. I just reach out and give it a little twist. Everybody laughs. It was the timing. He doesn't seem upset by it or anything, so I assume he sees the humor in it. Everyone else certainly does. I move on to some other topic, and a moment later he wanders off.

About 3 or 4 minutes go by, and I'm still the center of attention, I can't seem to shut up, when my friend, Geoff, interrupts me and says “Dude, here comes that guy”, so I turn around. It's Hulk Hogan again, and he's coming at me. He seemed fine before, but now he's clearly pissed off. Must have been a delayed reaction or something. I knew I was kind of pushing it when I pinched his nipple, but what can I say? I go where the funny is. If you want to do the edgy material, you have to take a chance sometimes.

Everyone watches as the guy picks me up off the ground. Suddenly I'm horizontal. I don't lose my flow, though, and make a show of being utterly unphased by the situation. Without missing a beat, I casually remark "Wow, everything's, like, sideways now. Far out."

Then, with all his strength, he THROWS me up into the air towards some nearby bushes. As I'm flying through the air - still horizontal, beer in hand, and looking more like I'm relaxing on the couch, watching TV, rather than being hurled across someone's yard - I say, almost yawning: “Geez, dude, lighten up, already...” and then disappear into the bushes.


Really, people are doubled over, falling down, convulsing with laughter. But I'm not done yet. I crawl out of the bushes and start doing a Rodney Dangerfield impression (sort of, it's hard to explain), brushing leaves off myself and saying “Boy, I tell ya... some people just can't take a joke. Must be the steroids or something. What the hell kinda' party is this, anyway? Hey, I want my money back!” etc.

Then everyone starts berating the other guy. They're saying things like “Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?” and “Jesus Christ, man, he was just joking around” and "What, are we still in highschool or something?", etc. Eventually, the guy leaves the party, sulking and confused. I end up making out with some girl in her car. Hooray for me!

I guess my mom was right. I really am a winner!

(Or maybe she said weiner... whatever. Close enough.)

Isn't that a nice story? I love happy endings. People always say life isn't fair, but sometimes it is. Sometimes the universe actually gets it right, and things work out just like they're supposed to.



That's fabulous .You are a great story teller.I wish I had been there.And I loved the disclaimer.

Jo said...

Then it's settled.
The cans of whupass WERE out of date.

Erica AP said...

I can't believe you were "on" even while flying through the air!! Is that some kind of super power? You should be on Heroes!!!

Helen said...

Man you just totally made the sun come out, the clouds roll back, and wait-yes... yes... here it comes-a bluebird just sat on my shoulder. Zippity Doo Dah.

Captain Smack said...

If you had been there, everybody would have been paying attention to you instead of me.

I think maybe he was the one with the can of whupass.

Believe it. And it's not due to a super power, unless you consider beer a super power. Which I guess it is sometimes.

Let's hope that bluebird doesn't leave a present on your shoulder.

Josh said...

Tweaking hulk hogans nipple, brilliant....Never letting self preservation get in the way of a good gag is a bold way to live.

That just made my day.

KittyMeow said...


You showed class even while flying through the air. That must have been a priceless moment to watch. :-D

Captain Smack said...

yes... I do suffer for my art...

(and by "suffer" I mean "drink beer")

I do some of my best work while flying.

Zoning Out Again said...

You are hilarious man! I keep telling you to get on with humor-blogs. You'd kill them over there!
My blog just got reviewed and was semi-crapped on, but yours could only generate perfect reviews!
I'm also a reviewer over there, and I have to say, nothing comes close to funny the way you do funny! NOTHING
Not sucking up, just telling it like it is!

Jo said...

Yes, but he... and then you... and...
Shut up.

Todd said...

You forgot to say of the girl was hot! That's the most important part of the story!

But getting tossed into bushes is cool too.

Miss B said...

hey, is this one of those times the girl told ya to go to town? I'm pretty sure your mom said "wanker"... *grin*

anandamide said...

this story left me feeling a little like that hulk hogan guy: mouth wide open, no witty response.

Captain Smack said...

I keep meaning to do that...

Now I'm confused... did you mean... I mean did I say.... was that a.... oh, nevermind.

She was indeed a cutey, but I didn't want to come off like I was boasting or anything... you know how modest I am...

Miss B:
Haha, good one. You're probably wondering if I'm blond now, aren't you?

Captain Smack said...

And I didn't even have to twist your nipple. Damn I'm good.

Adjil said...

Dang! I hate when some jackass ends up in my bush. Ummmm.... I think...

Captain Smack said...

I imagine it would depend on what they do once they're their.

Gorilla Bananas said...

A gorilla would never have behaved like that. I would have grabbed your wrist and made you scratch my butt as well.

Miss Smack said...

Great story!! What a tool, that guy is. Obviously he saw you as a threat to his bulked up mass of nothing and caveman style attacked you!

And with you scoring the girl, it just goes to show that brains will always win over brawn!

morbid misanthrope said...

I guess humor never was very good at soothing the savage beast. Humor does tend to get the crowd on your side, though, which is always good for making burly no-neck types feel even dumber than they look.

Incidentally, I bet a Macho Man Randy Savage fan would appreciate the nipple twist.

phishez_rule said...

I hope you got to tweak the nipples of the girl you made out with too. Just to really round out the story.

Kitty said...

Sorry...all I read was bush and nipples and went for a clit fondle...I recently had some limitations put on my fornicating rights and I am a bit severely up for some sexy time as a result.

Miss B said...

heh... ever seen a taffy machine, big guy? ;)

Miss Smack said...

I thought men liked having their nipples tweaked? I knew a guy who, when having his nipples tweaked at *that* moment, would completely lose his... control. :)

unique_stephen said...

I don't seem to get as much bush these days as I'd like. Perhaps I need to try a new tactic.

Anonymous said...

Why did he go away and come back? Poor sap must've needed some moral support.
They say the pretty people lack in the personality department (Not in my case of course). The polite thing to do would've been to give him a sympathy toss back.. you know, just to show your appreciation.
Maybe he fancied you.

Shelly Rayedeane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shelly Rayedeane said...

Are you absolutely certain you didn't squeeze a girl's nipple, get pushed in the bushes after you called her Hulk Hogan, and then woke up with a hangover the next day after NOT getting laid?

Please don't open up a can of Whupass on me. I was just pondering the possibilities.

Anonymous said...

this reminds me of that early nineties after-school special where ben affleck gets roid-rage. nice. it even included the back-ne (back acne).


Ah that's sweet but thye would have been throwing rocks at me. I amlike Van Gogh , I won't be appreciated until I am pushing up daisies.

Captain Smack said...

Gorilla Bananas:
But then I probably wouldn't have pinched a gorilla's nipple.

Miss Smack:
"brains will always win over brawn"

Hm. I dunno about that. It seems like it often goes the other way, which is why I carry whupass with me now.

Morbid Misanthrope:
I googled Randy Savage and watched him talk on a youtube video. That is one truly weird mofo. I would avoid his nipples.

You just want the details, don't you? The second half of that night could be a whole other post (complete with girl-on-girl action, woohoo!), but I'm not sure if I'm ready to start writing smut yet.

You really have a way of getting my full attention.

Miss B:
What is all this with the taffy machine? Would somebody please explain this to me?

Miss Smack:
Yes, but I think it depends on who's doing the tweaking.

If you figure something out, let me know.

K8 the Gr8:
I think it confused him, and it took him a while to sort out his feelings. He probably walked around for a while doing some soul-searching.

As a devout part-time Zen Buddhist, I'm not absolutely certain of anything, Shelly. Life is but a dream. But I'm pretty sure it was a dude.

I missed that one. I do remember something about a guy so jacked-up on roids that he tried to stop a car with his bare hands, though I'm not sure how that worked out.

Well, I didn't say it would be the "good" kind of attention. How am I supposed to entertain people if they're busy throwing rocks at you?

willis said...

With an introduction including "bush" and "nipples", I had a completely different idea about where a story titled "happy ending" was headed.

Can't say I'm not disappointed but I'm glad it turned out okay for you.

Captain Smack said...

Sorry about the bait-and-switch tactic. Sometimes I have to use a little false advertising to get people through the door.

Known as Ben said...

Its great when you get in a super groove like that. You become hilarious to everyone and impervious to harm or injury.

Don't over use that power. One time I went from that sweet spot to not sweet in a matter of moments. The nipple pinch was brave.

Love it.

Kitty said...

Captain, things that command Kitty's full attention:

anal sex
oral sex
vaginal sex

(ordered randomly)

(trying to make you angry so you wanna dish out some punishment)

Kitty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Prunella Jones said...

Wait a minute....you mean that was you? God, I've got to quit drinking so much at parties. I thought I was making out with the Hulk Hogan guy! He was fine.

Captain Smack said...

Known as Ben:
I hear ya, man. The closer you get to the edge of that cliff, the funnier it is. Eventually you're bound to go over the line. It's amazing how many bushes I haven't gotten thrown into.

Yeah, but... um... I mean, I'm... uh...

Crap. I forgot what I was going to say again. Stop doing that!

I was wondering why you kept asking me to put you in a figure-four leg-lock.

Lucy said...

I see you're really sensitive about the Laugh out Louds (don't worry I didn't write it the way you hate it written).

I actually don't like them myself, if they're not real. I HAVE TO BE particularly sensitive to it because I'm a standup comedienne and my career revolves around honest, true LOLs! I thrive off of them! If it's insincere, then you're only doing me some avoidable damage and a great disservice.

Nice coming across your blog! I like to see humor online. For some reason, there seems to be very little of that on the net.

Captain Smack said...

I'm more of a lay-around comedian.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

You are such a dork. But dorks are fun whereas meat heads? Not so much.

kiki said...

just confirming, this guy is allowed to vote yeah?

Captain Smack said...

Queen of Dysfunction:
I will neither confirm nor deny my (alleged) dorkiness.

How do you think Schwarzenegger got elected?

neko said...

figure 4 leg lock?

i need to get out more..

Captain Smack said...

If you find yourself getting into a lot of figure 4 leg locks, then you should probably stay in more. Unless you're into that kind of thing.

Brian said...

Similar things have happened to me, but it never because I pinched a nipple.


Where are you hiding Jesus and Elvis? I am suspicious as to what those two are up to.

Captain Smack said...

There are many paths; some with nipples, some without.

Jesus is busy studying for his finals (he's taking a psychology course at the community college), and Elvis is on a bender, apparently.

Miller said...

"on" what, though?

willowtree said...

Probably the time delay was caused by the cold slowing down his nervous system, or maybe he was just a moron (morons take a little longer to work things out).

Anyway, just so you know, I would have been cool with you tweaking my nipple, but I probably would have thrown you anyway for using pneumonia in a sentence.

Anonymous said...

Wow...that was some night. Well done with the whole composure thing.

Cathy said...

*Raises hand* another sycophant delurk...very funny story Captain.

I was clicking from blog to blog last night like jumping from rock to rock to cross a river without getting my feet wet when I landed on Miss Smack’s “Awards” post. A great light shone down on the words “his wares here”, font of red just like Jesus…it was a sign.

Can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished that God had an email address. To have found Jesus and Elvis in a blogworld where it’s cool to be atheist is truly a miracle. Miss Smack is truly an angel, wait that might be shoveling it on a little too thick.

I had begun to have doubts, maybe it’s best to be cool.
If there is a God, why would he allow a 5 year old boy to be killed while fishing with his grandpa in a boat on a pond by a bullet that was fired by a cop at a snake in a tree? Sadly it’s a true story. Please pass my question on to our Lord.

Captain Smack said...


Ohhh... I get it, now. That night, beer. That's all it usually takes.

I would have said "catch a cold" but it just didn't seem as funny.

Yeah, and didn't break a tooth or anything.

Well, that's some question, and I'll be sure to pass it on (I belive JC plans on answering his emails this coming week). I'm glad you came by, and that was so nice of Ms Smack.

Zoning Out Again said...


Captain Smack said...

What are you trying to say, Zoning? That you have a fuzzy thing on your chin?

Prunella Jones said...

Hey I just googled figure four leg locks and it turns out I was right. I did not need to sit on your face in order to do the move correctly. But you knew that didn't you, you sneaky thing!


You need to check out my blog and NOT be mad :)

Captain Smack said...

It's one of the, um, less common variations on the move. *cough*

That's just the kind of comment that makes my hair stand on end.


Well, I do like to have that impact on men!:)So much moere powerful than the obvious effect.

Zoning Out Again said...

No that was a smootch! DUH!

Zoning Out Again said...

BTW I went over to Uber's place and voted for you.
You are pretty sexy, in a biblical sort of way.

-eve- said...

That IS a great story! You played the part perfectly....:-)
Almost wish I'd read your blog before voting (got the link from uber.) I'd say LOL, but after all you've said, had better change it to IALLOL.

Steph said...

And then you died from internal bleeding?

Well you are Jebus aint ya? The second coming and all.

Captain Smack said...

I suppose as long as something stands up on end, then you've succeeded.

Oh baby, let's get biblical!

Well, I hope you voted for Mutley, then. The man is sex on a stick.

I was victim to neither bruise nor scratch. That is the power of beer.


I would rather have them quiver with fear, but I am sick , like that!

Anonymous said...

I don't know any funny stories - can you let me know a few...? apart from the one I just read..... obviously, because I already read it..

Captain Smack said...

Ok, you got me. I'm stumped.

Any story with nipples is usually funny...


Then I WIN!!!

Mr Farty said...

Blogrolled, I'm coming back for more!

Cunning Linguist said...

so let me get this correctly. You tweaked nipple and got thrust into bush? Somebody hadda say it. :)

Miss Smack said...

Mens nipples being tweaked, plucked, slapped, licked, nibbled and sucked can be very sensitive. Maybe it gave him wood and he was angry that he might be gay.

-eve- said...

Oh, really...??? *open-mouthed* I thought he was just funny (visualized being told amusing stories all night...;-))...

Captain Smack said...

You're a weiner! I mean winner!

Mr Farty:
I'm feeling the love!

Cunning Linguist:
Yeah, but it seems to only work with guys, though.

Miss Smack:
You know, I hadn't thought of that! That's a really good theory. I may have inadvertently awoken latent feelings in him. Hm. Maybe it was a life-changing experience for him.

Oh yeah. For sure. He just doesn't like to flaunt it on his blog.


God, I miss eating raw hotdogs. * Not sexual* They don't have hot dogs over here and they are so good raw.

EmmaK said...

ooh, what a great story. Made me feel like I'd just drunk a bowl of tomato soup, all warm and fuzzy inside.

Zoning Out Again said...

HUH CAPTAIN SNACK?????????????
I'm hurtin all over!

Captain Smack said...

WHAT??? No hotdogs? What the hell kind of place IS that?

Wow... No hotdogs... that just sounds so, i dunno... so unamerican or something...

That is exactly the effect I was going for, the tomato soup effect.

Don't freak out, dear. That picture was just my way of illustrating to everyone that I'm in touch with my "lesbian" side (and you know what that means...)

Miss Smack said...

Does it mean you like horizontal seafood tacos and can write the alphabet with your tongue?

Captain Smack said...



I don't think I am old enough to be here.:)

Prunella Jones said...

I don't think I'm high enough to be here.

unique_stephen said...

I shouldn't be here when I'm at work but it;s like gravity or really bad tv - it just sucks you in and you can't escape

Blog rolled by the way captin. You've become part of my every day.

Captain Smack said...

Get a note from your mom, and I'll see what I can do.

Get a note from your drug dealer, and I'll see what I can do.

I'm like gravity? What, are you saying that I suck?

unique_stephen said...

in the sense that I can't tear myself away, yes.

in the sense that my X gf could suck start a Harley Davidson, no

Captain Smack said...

If my ex-girlfriend could suck start a Harley Davidson, she wouldn't be my ex-girlfriend.

About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.