This is a story about me going to a party and ending up in someone's bush. There are nipples in this story. And beer. But mostly it's just me acting like a jackass.
I'm at this party, and me and a few other people are standing around in the front yard, drinking beer and talking. I suddenly become the entertainer. I'm making jokes, telling little stories and acting out all the parts, etc. I really get on a roll, too, and I've got everyone cracking up. I was "on" that night.
Meanwhile, there's this guy walking around at the party, and he's not wearing a shirt. It's not like it's a hot night or anything - in fact, it's a little chilly outside - but this guy's pretty muscular, obviously works out a lot, and wants to make sure everyone knows it. I just love subtlety, don't you? Anyway, while he's walking around flexing and preening, I'm busy working my little crowd there. I'm building up steam and getting more and more animated. Everyone's laughing and having a good time, when Shirtless Guy walks over and joins the fun. Surfing that wave, I turn to him and say “Hey, it's Hulk Hogan. Go put some clothes on, dude, you're gonna get pneumonia”. I then punctuate the statement by pinching his nipple. I just reach out and give it a little twist. Everybody laughs. It was the timing. He doesn't seem upset by it or anything, so I assume he sees the humor in it. Everyone else certainly does. I move on to some other topic, and a moment later he wanders off.
About 3 or 4 minutes go by, and I'm still the center of attention, I can't seem to shut up, when my friend, Geoff, interrupts me and says “Dude, here comes that guy”, so I turn around. It's Hulk Hogan again, and he's coming at me. He seemed fine before, but now he's clearly pissed off. Must have been a delayed reaction or something. I knew I was kind of pushing it when I pinched his nipple, but what can I say? I go where the funny is. If you want to do the edgy material, you have to take a chance sometimes.
Everyone watches as the guy picks me up off the ground. Suddenly I'm horizontal. I don't lose my flow, though, and make a show of being utterly unphased by the situation. Without missing a beat, I casually remark "Wow, everything's, like, sideways now. Far out."
Then, with all his strength, he THROWS me up into the air towards some nearby bushes. As I'm flying through the air - still horizontal, beer in hand, and looking more like I'm relaxing on the couch, watching TV, rather than being hurled across someone's yard - I say, almost yawning: “Geez, dude, lighten up, already...” and then disappear into the bushes.
Really, people are doubled over, falling down, convulsing with laughter. But I'm not done yet. I crawl out of the bushes and start doing a Rodney Dangerfield impression (sort of, it's hard to explain), brushing leaves off myself and saying “Boy, I tell ya... some people just can't take a joke. Must be the steroids or something. What the hell kinda' party is this, anyway? Hey, I want my money back!” etc.
Then everyone starts berating the other guy. They're saying things like “Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?” and “Jesus Christ, man, he was just joking around” and "What, are we still in highschool or something?", etc. Eventually, the guy leaves the party, sulking and confused. I end up making out with some girl in her car. Hooray for me!
I guess my mom was right. I really am a winner!
(Or maybe she said weiner... whatever. Close enough.)
Isn't that a nice story? I love happy endings. People always say life isn't fair, but sometimes it is. Sometimes the universe actually gets it right, and things work out just like they're supposed to.