Thursday, June 14, 2007

I Love the Smell of Napalm in the Morning

Well, it looks like my post “How to Start Your Own Religion” came in first place in the “Best Post” category at the Blogpower Awards. I'm very pleased to see that reality tv, rap music and crystal meth have not yet completely destroyed everyone's sense of good taste. You people obviously know quality when you see it, and for that I salute you.

You know, when I think about the nightmarish amounts of peyote I had to ingest in order to get the proper “insight” to write that particular piece, this award almost makes it worthwhile. Sure, I still see dragons coming out of the walls occasionally, but I'm starting to get used to it, and I find that they are not nearly as threatening once you break the ice and get to know them. Mostly they just want to talk.

Now then. There are a few people to whom I owe my gratitude, so if you'll all please bear with me, I'd like to mention them now.

First and foremost, I'd like to thank my dear, dear friend and ass-kicking agent Freya, over at Freya Speaks. A more talented and ruthless selfless agent could not be hoped for. Were it not for her shameless promoting, constant cajoling, bribing of officials (allegedly) and downright nasty threats (no proof whatsoever), this probably never would have happened. Come on up here Freya! Yeah, that's it - no, wait, Freya, don't take your clothes off, I'm in the middle of a speech. No, please, put your shirt back on. Please. Ok. Thank you.

Sorry about that, folks, she gets a little rowdy sometimes. It's probably the champaign.

I'd also like to thank the lovely and talented Steph, who, as many of you know, recently used her well deserved street cred to give a huge boost to my readership. I can't express my appreciation enough, and if I ever do get big and sell out, then I'll have her to thank for it. (By the way, does anyone have any tips on how to sell out? I'm thinking something along the lines of endorsing indie rock bands, maybe. You know, I'd like to keep it “hip” or “fly” for the kids at first, and then slowly work my way up to softdrink commercials or car insurance ads. Well, it's something to think about for later.)

A warm and friendly “Thank You” also goes to Ms Smack, who left the very first comment ever, and was also the first person to send her peeps my way. Her kindness and milfyness do not go unappreciated, and no, we're not related (as far as I know), so there's really nothing creepy about me referring to her as “milfy”. A toast to you, Ms Smack.

And while it may be true that there have recently been certain, um, “tensions” among certain parties, I just want to go on record as saying that The Captain has a special place in his giant, Gandhi-like heart for each of you, and wishes not to see any squabbling upon the deck of his beloved Mystery Ship. In the immortal words of Malcolm X, “Why can't we all just get along?”. Or was that Martin Luther King? Well, it doesn't matter, the point is I'm not running a freakin' zoo here, so let's all play nice-nice, ok? Ok then.

And last, but certainly not least, I'd like to thank all the “Little People” out there. No, I'm not talking about midgets (besides, around here we call them “squidgets”), I'm talking about you, of course - all the nice “little” people who voted for my post. You're all aces in my book. Now give yourselves a big round of applause! Ok, that's enough.

And, finally, I'd like to address an issue that has come up repeatedly ever since the polls closed on Wednesday night. For some bizarre reason – and I really have no idea where this is coming from – but, for some reason, people keep approaching me about a “foot rub”. Many of you seem to be under the false impression that I “owe” you a foot massage. I don't know what this is all about. I don't recall saying anything about rubbing anyone's feet. Furthermore, if anyone can show me any documented proof that I made any such promise during my campaign, then I'd certainly like to see it. Otherwise, I ask that you please discontinue with these ridiculous allegations. Read my lips: NO FOOT RUBS. Obviously the liberal media, with their left-wing foot-rubbing agenda, has once again taken my words completely out of context in a futile attempt to vilify me.

Or maybe it was a typo or something.

Either way, I apologize for any misunderstandings, and if your feet hurt, you might try soaking them in warm water and Epsom salt. Two table spoons per gallon should do the trick.

So, thanks again everyone, and now I must be off. I have an appointment to get a $400 haircut, and my stylist, Raoul, will throw a hissy-fit if I'm late. He may be tempermental, but the man's a genius with a pair of scissors.


Update: I hate this post


Miss B said...


congratz captain


drinks, my place? ;) make sure you're not followed...

Shelly Rayedeane said...

No zoos and no foot rubs you say? What are you trying to do, turn us all into a bunch of masochists?

jali said...

Hooo- ray!

Please shout me out as a supporter at some point in the future. I've been reading you for almost a week!



Erica AP said...

I'm one of the little people who voted... I think more than once. I know, I know... I cause toothaches because I'm so sweet. Congrats on tooting your horn with this prestigious award. :)

Helen said...

I think the most appropriate expression of gratitude would have to be simply: "Thank you, thank you very much" followed by a long pause as you prance off the stage with the screams and hysteria of your adoring fans nearly muffling Freya's words: "The Captain has left his computer."
I know, I know, cheesy. Congrats.

**Do you think a follow-up post on "how to doom your own religion" would be next? I'm thinking snake-handling and celibacy would top the list.

Beefcake Almighty said...

Why are you going to Raoul again?

I swear the man must be use a pair of blunt "Kid Scissors" every time I see his work.

Go to Sergio, how do you think I got this head-turning coif?

Freya Speaks said...

"cajoling"nice word! :)
Well, you are the perfect client...who didn't bitch about being "cajoled" at all.
Congrats again.I really am thrilled for you! :)

Anonymous said...

Hello Cap'n Smack!

I'm sorry I couldn't get over sooner and give you one more vote for the awards. Congrats at any rate though!

I'll be back to see what other stimulating posts you got goin' on.

Captain Smack said...

Miss B:
Now, who exactly would be following me? I have seen strange characters dressed in black lurking, but I figured it was just the CIA (they're always trying to steal my secret Time Door)

I know, every since I joined the Church of Scientology I've been such a party pooper.

Hey, I was over at your place earlier, was digging it, though I didn't leave a comment. I'll definitely be dropping by again. Thanks!

I do detect a bit of sarcasm there, but you sugar coat it so nicely that I find it difficult to complain.

I suppose you're right, Helen, and I really did try to keep it short, but once I get going it's hard to stop.

As for dooming your own religion, I think you really hit the nail on the head with celibacy. In fact, I even mentioned the Shakers in my how-to guide, I believe they are down to less than 50 members now. The snake handlers (and I've known some) seem to be doing much better, but I'm sure their numbers would be lower if they were playing with cobras and vipers.

I don't know, man - I had a friend who went to Sergio, and he insisted on doing his eyebrows and then completely fucked them up. Poor guy ended up looking like Bob Geldof in The Wall. Took months to grow back, and now they look all crooked or something.

Raoul seems to "get" me, though I would agree that he's not for everyone.

I believe I borrowed the word "cajoling" from one of your posts(?), but, no, I didn't mind being bossed around, for you know what you're doing. That's why you're the agent. Hear that, Crushed? Do as your agent says, she knows what's best.

Ah yes, the woman with the glass-stained jars, I remember you. Please drop by any time, it's a non-stop party over here. Sort of.

fingers said...

No need to thank me, Captain.
It was the least I could do.
And I always try to do the least I can do...

Captain Smack said...

Well, at least you did that.

mist1 said...

It's your lucky day. I am a Sell Out Consultant. I have a strong background in crossover appeal and an interest in mainstream politics. Call me. You have star quality.

Ms Smack said...

ha, thanks for the shout-out, funny.

I hope you and blogger [and your readers] have a long and friendly association.

cheers mate,
smack x

jungle jane said...

awards? huh? what? where?

Fuck, I missed the boat...

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Well done, Captain.
Been partying on the Bourbon to celebrate?

Eddie Waring said...

In the immortal words of Malcolm X, “Why can't we all just get along?”. Or was that Martin Luther King?

HA! Wrong on both guesses. It was Rodney King in a failed attempt to subdue some minor public unrest in LA in 1992

Congratulations by the way. You may be funnier than I am but I obviously have you in the quotations department.

morbid misanthrope said...

Congrats, Cap'n.

While I did vote for you, I only did so because P-Diddy showed up at my house with a truckload of leftover "Vote or Die" t-shirts and posters and threatened to start filming the "Vote or Die" commercials for the next election in my bathroom (he was quite taken with my sink that looks like a birdbath). In order to get rid of him I had to vote for something. He was trying to get me to vote for which name he'll be going by next month (P-Diddle, Puffnutz, P-Ness, or Chester), but thankfully he was satisfied when I just voted for you instead.

I just felt—for the sake of full disclosure—I should inform you of the circumstances surrounding my vote in your favor. Anyway, it’s great to pick a winner.

Manuel said...

get it up ye big lad as we say round here.

Good work gets what it deserves...

Anonymous said...

I'm not all jars you know! (laughing)

(fyi: The "Echotree" is my primary :>)

Fat Sparrow said...

Damn, I totally missed out on all this, and by the time I found out, it was too late to vote. That's what I get for being a flakey blogger. Congrats anyway, you're fucking brilliant.

Freya Speaks said...


Captain Smack said...

I've been trying to call you, but since I don't have your number I've just been dialing randomly and asking whoever picks up “are you a Halfrican who eats raw meat and has a Dr Seuss purse?”. No luck yet, but I'm very tenacious, so it's only a matter of time.

Ms Smack:
I hope so, too. And congratulations on your win as well.

Now do you see the consequences of smoking pot, Jane? It's not so funny now, is it?

No, I've just been partying in my pants. But thank you, and congratulations to you too.

Who the hell's Rodney King? You're just making shit up, now, aren't you? You can't fool me.

It's good to know that Piddy-Paddy (that's how he introduced himself to me, anyway) has got my back. And it's not just a slogan, by the way - he really will kill you if you don't vote.

Why, thank you. We say that here, too, but I don't think it means the same thing.

Ah, ecotree, I see. I missed that before. So I shall no longer refer to you as the Woman with the Jars. However, you may call me the Bong Dude, if you like.

Fat Sparrow:
You were smoking weed with Jungle Jane, weren't you?

Haha, somebody needs to throw some meat in your cage, you're getting that look in your eye.

Freya Speaks said...

Where are Elvis and Jesus hanging out???

Old Knudsen said...

Rodney King was That bug eyed bloke who went on about getting no respect.

Thanks to the great white Panda I only have one leg, would it kill ya to rub my only good foot left?

Ms Smack said...

Um, Rodney King was the black dude that was flogged by those white cops, eh?

Captain Smack said...

Last time I saw them they were at the grocery store signing autographs. I got weird vibes.

Mr Knudsen:
Normally I would say no, but I have a soft spot for you. So just this once.

Ms Smack:
I believe you're actually thinking of Rodney Dangerfield, who was a monumental figure in the civil rights movement during the 60's. I think he may have also dabbled in comedy.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't blame you for not wanting to rub Knudsen's bald cheesy feet. You should have offered to clamp his nipples instead.

Prunella Jones said...

There once was a captain named Smack
whose philosophy was really quite whack
though it won him an award,
it also underscored
my belief that he's a smoker of crack.

Lord Nazh said...

Many gratz to you Cap'n

jungle jane said...

right i went to vote for you. it said i was too late. fuck. well its the effort that counts, innit?

Freya Speaks said...

Ms.Smack is right and oldKud is wrong.Rodney Dangerfield was the comdeian who could get " no respect" whereas Rodney King was the guy who the L.A police beat the shit out of in that parking lot whilst luckily some punter was taping it.The police getting off created the L. A riots!
The police should have gone down for attempted murder.

Captain Smack said...

Gorilla Bananas:
That's hot.

I'm so touched, nobody ever writes me poems anymore... great, now I'm getting tears in my crack pipe...

Lord Nazh:
Why thank you so much.

Did you do something with your hair?

This is a common mistake, Freya. Rodney Dangerfield was actually the civil rights activist who led the famous "Get Some Respect" march in Washington DC. I can't believe you didn't know that. Over a million people showed up.

Rodney King, on the other hand, was actually the bass player for Sylvester Stallone's funk band "Sly and the Family Stallone", who did the song "Why Can't We Be Friends", which was inspired by the comment "Why can't we all just get along", during the LA riots (which started when the the show "Malcolm in the Middle" was canceled).

I'm sort of a history buff.

Freya Speaks said...

LMFAO....stick to writing!

Captain Smack said...

No, really, it's all true. I even looked it up on the internet.

Ms Smack said...

LOL (backs away slowly)

If you keep smokin' that crack pipe, we might see you on COPS, eh?

"No really officer! It wasn't mine. It just landed in my truck somehow."

Captain Smack said...

I'm a regular on COPS, actually.

Old Knudsen said...

No Old Kud was not wrong. I like to confuse the lateral thinkers, its my sport you see.

I'll give you two spades and tell you to take yer pick.

The Captain got it, he is the man.

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About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.