The Beast with Thirteen Backs

I have lucid dreams sometimes. If you're not familiar with the term, it's those dreams in which you know you are dreaming, and are able to control it to some degree. Some people never have them at all. Some people have them, but are only slightly lucid, vaguely aware that they are dreaming. I've had many lucid dreams, and am usually very much in control. It used to be sort of a hobby of mine. I'd studied books about it, and had gotten pretty good at it.

One thing that happens to a lot of folks is that they will be dreaming, but as soon as they go lucid and realize they are dreaming, the dream suddenly falls apart. Or they immediately start flying around, and get too excited and wake up.

Here's a little trick you can do to avoid that: The moment you realize you are dreaming, stop whatever you are doing and just look at your hands. Your hands are usually available in any dream, so they are kind of a constant variable. Once you've focused on your hands, look at something around you. Just pick out any object and stare at it. The moment that object becomes blurry or starts warping or fading, look back at your hands again. When you feel like the world around you is stable again, look back at the object, then back at your hands. Keep doing this with each object you see, and soon everything around you will be very solid and clear, like in real life.

Only then should you start flying around or having sex. Or you can do both. I like to fly first, and then have sex, but that's really just my own preference. It just occurred to me that I could do both simultaneously. I'll have to try that sometime.

Oh, and you can do other stuff, too, like overcome personal fears, uncover childhood memories, or beat up cops, but I'm sure you'll get to all that stuff on your own once you've flown around and fucked enough.

I once had a dream that I was at my mom's house, and there was a party going on. But this was no kegger, believe me. This was like no party I'd ever been to, and basically consisted of myself and about 12 women, all of which looked like models, and all of which were wearing lingerie. It was like a photo shoot for a Victoria's Secret catalogue. I'm not kidding, they were all wearing fancy underwear and drinking champaign. At first I was actually kind of detached from the whole thing, as if I were not completely there, but viewing it remotely.

Then I went lucid. I suddenly realized I was dreaming, and I remember thinking to myself, “jackpot”.

I immediately did my little hand trick. Soon my whole environment became very clear and stable. The women were indeed beautiful, and none of them were disintegrating, or morphing into human blobs or zombies or anything.

I hate it when they do that.

They do it in vampire movies a lot. You've seen it; the sexy female vampire is seducing some guy, and then, just at that moment when he is drawn into her arms and she's ready to “take” him, her face suddenly morphs into some ugly reptilian looking thing. She then makes some awful hissing noise, like when you accidentally step on a cat, and chomps down on his neck, blood shooting out everywhere. What the hell? That's so not sexy. Why do they do that? I was just getting into it, and she turns into lizard women? They always screw it up. Stop doing that, Hollywood.

Anyway, back to the dream:

So there I am, standing in the living room, surrounded by Victoria's Secret models in their lacy underwear, and I'm completely lucid. I know that I am actually in my bed, dreaming this, and that these women are all part of my own mind, yet everything about it is utterly real. I have created them all, like a gift to myself, wrapped in frilly lace. God, I love myself sometimes. What a guy.

Here's a visual aid to help you appreciate the gravity of the situation:

I decided to forgo the flying this time and just get straight to the nasty. They were all standing around talking to each other, and I looked over the crowd the way a hungry person might look over a menu. I chose the woman with the most exotic face. She had black hair, cat eyes, and big, pouty lips. Aww yeah. I attempted to “will” her over to me, like a vampire would, but she just kept talking to her friend. Ok, no problem. That level of control isn't always achievable. So I walked up to her and gently put my hand on her shoulder. She turned towards me. I probably had a big, idiotic looking smile on my face, but who cares? It's a dream, it's not like I'm worried she's going to judge me or something. I move in to kiss her, but she pulls away.

Well that's odd, I think. I mean, that's never happened before. Huh. Must be a fluke. A little subconscious hiccup, yeah, that's all. So I position myself in front of her and once again go in for the kill, this time a little more straight forward about it, you know, but she pushes me away.

What? I was pretty surprised. What the hell was going on? Ok, don't think about it too much, I told myself. Just forget her. There are plenty of other women here, just move on. So I quickly pick out another women and approach her. But she totally pushes me away too, and seems offended that I would just walk up and try to kiss her. You know, as if this were real life or something.

I said “what the hell are you doing? This is a dream!” This did not seem to impress her at all. I stopped and looked around, and all of the other women were now starring at me, like I'm a complete asshole or something. I decided to take charge of the situation, and explain to them how this works. In a clear, authoritative voice I told them “Alright. Listen up, ladies. This is a dream. My dream. I am the one who created you. All of you. If I want to have sex, then, well, we're going to have sex.”

I figured that should do it, and that they would all begin getting naked and oiling each other up in preparation for some amazing twelve-on-one group sex. Instead, they acted like they didn't believe a word I was saying, like I was some crazed, drunken lunatic who showed up uninvited, ruining their precious little underwear party. I was actually starting to feel a little bit like a lunatic.

I decided to back off for a moment and collect my thoughts. I knew that I was definitely dreaming. Of that, I was certain. If these women were rejecting me, then that meant that it was really just my own mind fucking with itself. Right? I also knew that this kind of chance doesn't come around very often, and that if I wanted to cash in on this highly favorable circumstance, then I'd have to overcome whatever barrier I was throwing up in front of myself. I concentrated, and pulled myself together.

I suddenly had a surge of inspiration, and the solution became clear to me. Some of you are going to think I have a Jesus complex, but really, it's not that. And some of you may start to wonder if I'm just making this up, like it's too ridiculous to be true, even for a dream. But I swear, this is exactly what happened:

I told them to listen. They all stopped and listened. Ok, good, I was back in control. I told them that I would show them that this was MY world, and that they were all MY creations. I told them that I would prove it. I told them I would walk on water.

Ok, maybe I do have a Jesus complex.

Instead of opening the front door, I simply made the entire front wall disappear. I even did it with a little hocus pocus gesture with my hands, just for show, so they could see how powerful and cool I was. There, in the front yard, was a pond. I postulated the pond in my mind, and there it was. Yes, I was definitely a bad ass mofo. I would have easily whipped both Yoda and Darth Vader's butts simultaneously, had they been there and given me reason to do so. I didn't even bother to look around to see the women's faces. I was sure they were all very impressed.

The dream had now taken a turn in my favor, and I was back in the saddle again. I knew that, very soon, these lovely ladies and I would be making The Beast with Thirteen Backs. Exuding confidence, I purposefully strutted out onto the surface of the lake and promptly fell right in.

I sat there in the water. I couldn't believe it. My subconscious had just bitch slapped me, and was probably laughing its ass off right then. I didn't bother to look up and see the faces of all the beautiful women I had created, but I was pretty sure they were laughing too.