Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Beast with Thirteen Backs

I have lucid dreams sometimes. If you're not familiar with the term, it's those dreams in which you know you are dreaming, and are able to control it to some degree. Some people never have them at all. Some people have them, but are only slightly lucid, vaguely aware that they are dreaming. I've had many lucid dreams, and am usually very much in control. It used to be sort of a hobby of mine. I'd studied books about it, and had gotten pretty good at it.

One thing that happens to a lot of folks is that they will be dreaming, but as soon as they go lucid and realize they are dreaming, the dream suddenly falls apart. Or they immediately start flying around, and get too excited and wake up.

Here's a little trick you can do to avoid that: The moment you realize you are dreaming, stop whatever you are doing and just look at your hands. Your hands are usually available in any dream, so they are kind of a constant variable. Once you've focused on your hands, look at something around you. Just pick out any object and stare at it. The moment that object becomes blurry or starts warping or fading, look back at your hands again. When you feel like the world around you is stable again, look back at the object, then back at your hands. Keep doing this with each object you see, and soon everything around you will be very solid and clear, like in real life.

Only then should you start flying around or having sex. Or you can do both. I like to fly first, and then have sex, but that's really just my own preference. It just occurred to me that I could do both simultaneously. I'll have to try that sometime.

Oh, and you can do other stuff, too, like overcome personal fears, uncover childhood memories, or beat up cops, but I'm sure you'll get to all that stuff on your own once you've flown around and fucked enough.

I once had a dream that I was at my mom's house, and there was a party going on. But this was no kegger, believe me. This was like no party I'd ever been to, and basically consisted of myself and about 12 women, all of which looked like models, and all of which were wearing lingerie. It was like a photo shoot for a Victoria's Secret catalogue. I'm not kidding, they were all wearing fancy underwear and drinking champaign. At first I was actually kind of detached from the whole thing, as if I were not completely there, but viewing it remotely.

Then I went lucid. I suddenly realized I was dreaming, and I remember thinking to myself, “jackpot”.

I immediately did my little hand trick. Soon my whole environment became very clear and stable. The women were indeed beautiful, and none of them were disintegrating, or morphing into human blobs or zombies or anything.

I hate it when they do that.

They do it in vampire movies a lot. You've seen it; the sexy female vampire is seducing some guy, and then, just at that moment when he is drawn into her arms and she's ready to “take” him, her face suddenly morphs into some ugly reptilian looking thing. She then makes some awful hissing noise, like when you accidentally step on a cat, and chomps down on his neck, blood shooting out everywhere. What the hell? That's so not sexy. Why do they do that? I was just getting into it, and she turns into lizard women? They always screw it up. Stop doing that, Hollywood.

Anyway, back to the dream:

So there I am, standing in the living room, surrounded by Victoria's Secret models in their lacy underwear, and I'm completely lucid. I know that I am actually in my bed, dreaming this, and that these women are all part of my own mind, yet everything about it is utterly real. I have created them all, like a gift to myself, wrapped in frilly lace. God, I love myself sometimes. What a guy.

Here's a visual aid to help you appreciate the gravity of the situation:

I decided to forgo the flying this time and just get straight to the nasty. They were all standing around talking to each other, and I looked over the crowd the way a hungry person might look over a menu. I chose the woman with the most exotic face. She had black hair, cat eyes, and big, pouty lips. Aww yeah. I attempted to “will” her over to me, like a vampire would, but she just kept talking to her friend. Ok, no problem. That level of control isn't always achievable. So I walked up to her and gently put my hand on her shoulder. She turned towards me. I probably had a big, idiotic looking smile on my face, but who cares? It's a dream, it's not like I'm worried she's going to judge me or something. I move in to kiss her, but she pulls away.

Well that's odd, I think. I mean, that's never happened before. Huh. Must be a fluke. A little subconscious hiccup, yeah, that's all. So I position myself in front of her and once again go in for the kill, this time a little more straight forward about it, you know, but she pushes me away.

What? I was pretty surprised. What the hell was going on? Ok, don't think about it too much, I told myself. Just forget her. There are plenty of other women here, just move on. So I quickly pick out another women and approach her. But she totally pushes me away too, and seems offended that I would just walk up and try to kiss her. You know, as if this were real life or something.

I said “what the hell are you doing? This is a dream!” This did not seem to impress her at all. I stopped and looked around, and all of the other women were now starring at me, like I'm a complete asshole or something. I decided to take charge of the situation, and explain to them how this works. In a clear, authoritative voice I told them “Alright. Listen up, ladies. This is a dream. My dream. I am the one who created you. All of you. If I want to have sex, then, well, we're going to have sex.”

I figured that should do it, and that they would all begin getting naked and oiling each other up in preparation for some amazing twelve-on-one group sex. Instead, they acted like they didn't believe a word I was saying, like I was some crazed, drunken lunatic who showed up uninvited, ruining their precious little underwear party. I was actually starting to feel a little bit like a lunatic.

I decided to back off for a moment and collect my thoughts. I knew that I was definitely dreaming. Of that, I was certain. If these women were rejecting me, then that meant that it was really just my own mind fucking with itself. Right? I also knew that this kind of chance doesn't come around very often, and that if I wanted to cash in on this highly favorable circumstance, then I'd have to overcome whatever barrier I was throwing up in front of myself. I concentrated, and pulled myself together.

I suddenly had a surge of inspiration, and the solution became clear to me. Some of you are going to think I have a Jesus complex, but really, it's not that. And some of you may start to wonder if I'm just making this up, like it's too ridiculous to be true, even for a dream. But I swear, this is exactly what happened:

I told them to listen. They all stopped and listened. Ok, good, I was back in control. I told them that I would show them that this was MY world, and that they were all MY creations. I told them that I would prove it. I told them I would walk on water.

Ok, maybe I do have a Jesus complex.

Instead of opening the front door, I simply made the entire front wall disappear. I even did it with a little hocus pocus gesture with my hands, just for show, so they could see how powerful and cool I was. There, in the front yard, was a pond. I postulated the pond in my mind, and there it was. Yes, I was definitely a bad ass mofo. I would have easily whipped both Yoda and Darth Vader's butts simultaneously, had they been there and given me reason to do so. I didn't even bother to look around to see the women's faces. I was sure they were all very impressed.

The dream had now taken a turn in my favor, and I was back in the saddle again. I knew that, very soon, these lovely ladies and I would be making The Beast with Thirteen Backs. Exuding confidence, I purposefully strutted out onto the surface of the lake and promptly fell right in.

I sat there in the water. I couldn't believe it. My subconscious had just bitch slapped me, and was probably laughing its ass off right then. I didn't bother to look up and see the faces of all the beautiful women I had created, but I was pretty sure they were laughing too.


Helen said...

You would not believe how thrilled I am that my sanity has not compromised me again...

I like the hand trick, and I'll try that in the's a trick that I've learned from having oiled up-lesbian dreams--go with it mother fucker, at least it's not a leering jack-in-the-box.

Captain Smack said...

You have leering jack-in-the-box dreams? I agree, that doesn't sound nearly as pleasant as oiled-up lesbian dreams.

Prunella Jones said...

Sounds very Freudian. Those women were rejecting you because they were unimpressed by the size of your penis. The Jesus complex also points to an obsession with the penis (i.e., identifying yourself with the Holy Father). And the desire to kick the ass of both Darth Vadar and Yoda is a clear cut case of womb envy. Man, you need some therapy!

Captain Smack said...

I know, but it's so hard to find a good therapist these days. Most of them are so stringy and hard to chew.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The pond thing was a bad move. Why would they want to have sex with a duck? Next time go for their pity. Get naked and say nobody loves you.

Captain Smack said...

That's what I usually do in real life. If I had been smart, I would have postulated a big pile of cocaine instead of a pond. I hear models like that stuff.

jungle jane said...

If this was a dream i assume you were in bed sleeping. Which means you probably had your pajamas on.

And that's the problem. Supermodelchicks don't dig dudes who hang out in frilly nightgear.

I doubt whther Jesus or Elvis would have made this mistake. That is why they are kings.

Ms Smack said...

Maybe you walked in on someone else's lesbian dream, dude.

Perhaps you crossed the parallel universes in your sub-conscious state to some other person's dream.

Elsewhere, there was an equally confused soul trying to get some scissor action with a room of straight women.

I love my lucid dreams and I agree, they're even better when you get laid. I wake up with a 'just been laid' glow every-time.

Captain Smack said...

So, like, what are then? I should've started singing and shaking my leg?

Ms Smack:
That makes a lot of sense, actually. I don't know who I switched dreams with, but I hope they didn't end up in one of my evil talking snake dreams. Those things are bad enough as they are, I think they would be even more traumatizing for a lesbian.

Zoning Out Again said...

Ya know I learn something everytime I come over here.
I can't wait to go back to sleep! I'm going to start living it up in my dreams, but I'm going to have to do it on the couch because as it is, your name keeps popping up in my sleep and as I told you before, my husband is longer buying that I have a thing for Captain Crunch.

Captain Smack said...

Not buying the Captain Crunch story, eh? Maybe you should tell him it's that frog, Sugar Smack. Or both of them. Tell him it's a nutritious breakfast gangbang, fortified with 18 essential nutrients and vitamins. Mmm.

Eve said...

Hmm. Sounds to me like you're a sado-masochist. Either that, or just really really cuntfused. Or when you looked at your hands were they Gisele's?

Captain Smack said...

Did you just say "cunTfused"? I think part of me might be a little sadistic. Or maybe Ms Smack was right, and I'd accidentally wandered into a lesbian dream.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Are you sure this was a lucid dream? Maybe it was just a wet dream gone bad or perhaps Smack Mama is right.

Even in lucid dreams, I doubt you'll ever change a lesbian, even if you can walk on water.

Captain Smack said...

Hey, I have a pretty good record with lesbians, actually. I don't mean to brag, but I temporarily snatched at least two lesbians from the other team, both times for several months. I was even once made an honorary lesbian. I think it's because I'm in touch with my chick side.

Kyle said...

That was so hot, except for the end, I really thought you were going to mambo with those chicas. I'm going to be working on my lucid dream skills.

Captain Smack said...

Good luck, my friend. May your chicas are more friendly than mine.

Freya Speaks said...

Wow themouths of some of these women would put sailors to shame!
Dids the women of your dreams have no couth and profane tendancies?

Captain Smack said...

They were all very classy and demure. Like you, my dear.

Creepy said...

I'm no expert but I believe that qualifies as a nightmare, not a dream.

Ms Smack said...

I think I may get my 'dream books' out and analyse it but yes, Creepy, I agree with you!

Certainly would make me question my masculinity, i think.

Hey, did you have this dream after you wrote the Elvis and JC piece?

Maybe that's the link!?

Captain Smack said...

If it were a recurring dream, I would definitely start to think of it as a nightmare. I had another dream that is sort of related to this one, which I'll cover later.

Ms Smack:
Question my masculinity? Are you trying to provoke me, woman? I'm all man, baby, don't you forget that.
(makes grunting noises and beats chest. and then farts.)

Ms Smack said...

haaaaa, I have no doubt. I just know when I had two consecutive lesbian, scissor-lovin' dreams, AND enjoyed them, I started to question my own sexuality!

AND I couldn't put my rubbish out for a week in case I ran into my neighbour, one of my conquests in the dream!

Captain Smack said...

Ok, well maybe I overstated the "all man" thing. I have questioned my sexuality, and have come to the conclusion that I'm part heterosexual and part lesbian.

surfercam said...

That's the best post ever and I didn't even read a word of it!

Erica AP said...

You sound extremely traumatized by this dream. So what did you learn? That honesty is not the best policy?

Captain Smack said...

I loved your comment, and will respond to it as soon as I read it!

That had not occurred to me, but I guess you're right. I should not have told them that they were all just figments of my imagination. Had I been a little quicker on my feet I would've told them that I was the plastic surgeon to the stars (specializing in collagen injections) and that I was good friends with Quinton Tarantino, and could probably get them a part in his next film.

Fat Sparrow said...

"I immediately did my little hand trick."

Maybe you should have given up on that hand trick, and tried another little hand trick that involves putting your hand on your penis.

At least you would have gotten some satisfaction that way.

Indiana James said...

Capt. found you by way of Steph and Eve and should have done so earlier. Great stuff up here. The subconscious messes with my dreams all too often. I wake up pissed off with myself too often as a result of a bungled dream sequence. Self loathing just hit a new low.

Heidi the Hick said...


Captain Smack said...

Fat Sparrow:
I dunno, Sparrow, I've tried that at parties before, it only seems to lead to trouble.

Indiana James:
"Self loathing just hit a new low."

Well, I told you I had a Jesus complex, and you know the cliché about the self-hating Jew. I've read that Jesus actually wanted to get nailed, that was His defining moment, so He had to be at least a little screwed up. Me, I wanted to be the one doing the nailing.

That was short and sweet, I hope you're not holding back.

Erica AP said...

That's my boy!! I knew you would learn something... Oh hell - if I was there I would have totally gone for it. I've always wanted to be in another film.

Captain Smack said...

Oh, well, in that case, I happen to be great friends with Quinton Tarantino, and could probably get you a part in his next film.

So what film were you in? And was there nudity?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I agree Ms Smack, that the mistake was thinking it was just your dream. Maybe you were just an actor on someone else's stage.

Maybe Buddhist monks were having a great laugh at your expense. :>


Portia said...

hm gonna have to try that. no more lesbian dreams though...last time it took me all night to realize the women were all me & i was just having a narcissist's wet dream. kind of disappointing.

Captain Smack said...

I love the idea that Buddhist monks were just screwing with my head. Sort of like their version of a prank phone call.

You were ganging yourself? Oh, please tell me you posted about it and then give the link.

Heidi the Hick said...

Hello again. Yes I am short and sweet.

Ha ha!

See? I did NOT LOL. I want you to know that I have never done the LOL and probably never will do the LOL. I might bwa haa haaa or if I'm feeling sneaky I might mwa ha ha ha but I will never ever LOL.

Also I'm gonna try that looking at the hands trick next time a dream goes lucid!

Captain Smack said...

Let me know how it goes, Heidi. I read a few of your posts, and I know you're writing a book. Lucid dreaming seems like a great tool for a writer, and it seems like it would be very interesting to meet your own fictional characters.

Portia said...

afraid not but i can see how that would be much more interesting..

Beefcake Almighty said...

You know, I've realized my lucid dreams truly suck these days.

One of the side effects of Chantix is "irregular dreams". I've had a shitload of them since I've been on it.

My dreams only consist of me taking a shit on the reactor floor at work.

morbid misanthrope said...

Thanks for the lucid dreaming tips, cap'n. Now every night in my dreams I'm 90% chainsaws and 10% shuriken, just slicing and shredding my way through fields of people. At some point, hyenas start showing up to eat all the dead people, so I turn into a three-foot-tall, gopher-killing robot reprogrammed to kill hyenas. All the death attracts flies, but I'm wearing a beekeeping suit which is obviously the wrong outfit for the situation and totally embarrassing. In my hurry to change into the proper gear, I stub my toe. This makes me so angry I kill myself in the dream and wake up. Thanks again for the tips. Happy dreaming!

jungle jane said...

Hey, its your dream dude. If shaking your leg works then that's what you should do. If it were me, i would have done some synchronised swimming as i hit the water. Chicks love that shit.

Jeremy Jacobs said...


Captain Smack said...

Well, it's something you can always save for when you run out of things to blog about. I ran out of things to blog about after my 4th post, so now I mostly just talk about my genitalia. But that's me.

The reactor floor? Do you work in a nuclear power plant, like Homer Simpson?

I ran your dream through my Deluxo Dream Analyzer 9000, and it says that the hyenas represent all of your ex-girlfriends who didn't like death metal. The beekeeping suit is how you protect yourself from people with bad taste in music. The gopher-killing robot is your way of overcompensating for not being able to play the banjo as well as that mongoloid kid in Deliverance, a scene you found very emasculating for some reason. It recommends that you start killing large numbers of emo kids and take some banjo lessons.

Maybe I could've pretended I was drowning, and then they would had to of saved me and given me mouth to mouth. Plus their nighties would've gotten all wet.

Jeremy Jacobs:
Is that an abbreviation for "a friend and I are currently using rusty ass clamps"? That's the only thing I can think of...

Erica AP said...

Haha... No nudity. I'm a good girl. It was an independent film in Boston. I got to act like a complete bitch though, so that was pretty fun.

Captain Smack said...

Oh, you were in Good Will Hunting! That was a pretty good movie. I thought you looked familiar.

I once did an independent film (or I should say an "independent" film) for a giant ball of hash. There was indeed nudity, but it was very tasteful. Well, not so much tasteful as artsy. Well, not so much artsy as experimental. Actually, it was just weird. I'm going to go take a shower now. I suddenly feel dirty for some reason.

Beefcake Almighty said...

Sort of.

I tear them down for a living.

Don't refer to me as Homer, okay? I'm more of a Barney Gumble type of guy when I've had a few drinks in my system.

Captain Smack said...

Dang, dude. That's about the manliest sounding job one could have. To illustrate my point, compare the following:

What do you do for a living?

A: I enter data into a giant database.
B: I giggle and dance around in a pink tutu.
C: I tear down nuclear reactors. With my bear hands.

No wonder they call you Beefcake Almighty.

Malathionman said...

This dream takes place at your mom's house? Hmmm.... is your mom hot looking too?

Captain Smack said...

I was wondering when someone would bring that up. I specifically included that fact in the story to see if anyone would razz me about it. All these people trying to do Freudian analysis on me, and nobody mentioned that until now.

But no, I have a Jesus complex, not an Oedipus complex.

Beefcake Almighty said...

Sweet baby Jesus Cap'n.

Not with my bare hands.

I just look at them and they fall apart.


The Little Cheese said...

Tee hee. I have a recurring lucid dream that I am backstage and given a violin by an irate director whose violinist has been in an accident. He tells me I have five minutes, I begin to crap myself (not really) and then think 'What the hell, this is a dream' and go out there and play like a God and get standing ovations...

I have just realised how egotistical this makes me. But, seeing as I am, I will have a lucid dream about Johnny Depp leaving his Mrs for me tonight, thanks for the inspiration!

What A Crock said...

a clear sign of lunacy is the inability to differentiate reality from fantasy. What you didn't realize is you were hired as a grip on a victoria's secret commercial and you made an ass of yourself in front of the entire cast.

smooth move exlax. ;p

by the way.. 2nd time back. this was way better than that time you had the breakdown about you not being funny enough for everyone. ;p

Captain Smack said...

Now, THAT'S metal.

Little Cheese:
Are you sure Jonny Depp would accept a role in your dream? I'm sure you have quality dreams and all, it's just that he's in pretty high demand, and generally only shows up in very high budget dreams these days. He used to do those low budget, quirky dreams, though, so maybe if you have a good director.

What A Crock:
I had a friend who actually did that. She woke up in the back of a van, thought she was in a dream, and went into a grocery store and started tearing everything off the shelves, laughing the whole time like a crazy person. Or as a crazy person, I guess. They put her on lithium. Good times.

Rosanna said...

I am so impressed with this tip on lucid dreams! I have them often, but they always melt away just as I'm about to... well, I could never give that away (being a young lady) but it usually involves a hot celebrity and not much clothing.

Or both.

At once.

Ms Smack said...

Do you keep a little notebook about the content of your dreams?

Miss B said...

rusty ass clamps... heh. only you, captain...

Captain Smack said...

I'm glad you liked the tip, and I hope it helps you in your quest to jump the cast of Oceans Eleven. See, it's not all trash around here, I like to include something educational too.

Ms Smack:
I don't keep up with my dreams these days, but when I do I use a small tape recorder so I don't have to keep my eyes open.

Miss B:
It's a nice visual image, isn't it?

The Little Cheese said...

I'll have to get in touch with his agent, Captain... I'll let you know how it goes.

Prunella Jones said...

I read your post and I thought "wow!"
And then I nearly had a cow
Thus much let me avow-
you are not wrong who deem
that is one weird and kinky dream.
Yet if supermodels were cliche'
through their jeering they did convey
that lucid dreaming, though very fun
doesn't mean you will get some,
unless you have great self esteem
you'll still be horny in your dream.

Captain Smack said...

Little Cheese:
Good luck, babe. Play his violin like a God, maybe you'll get another standing ovation.

Yes, but is it not deserved
that my lusting be fulfilled
and I be rightly served
by these women I have willed?
For, were it not for me
and my desire to be kissed
these hot, half naked honeys
would not even exist.

Miss B said...

umm, it's more than a little disturbing rather than "nice."

*raises eyebrow* The uh, rusty ass clamps aren't going to show up on your "things I've done to my penis" section are they?


Old Knudsen said...

I get dreams in which I'm being chased and half way through I say fuck this for a game of soldiers and turn round and kick 7 shades of shite of of them or shoot them with my finger. They don't like that you know.

Captain Smack said...

Miss B:
Dear God, no. I never use rusty ass clamps. I keep mine highly polished.

(is there really such a thing as ass clamps? I thought I was just making that up...)

Mr Knudsen:
I imagine getting shot by someone's finger would be humiliating. I would use my penis as a flamethrower.

The Little Cheese said...

Nice dream fodder, thanks!

ariel said...

I've been trying to have lucid dreams ever since I read your post. no luck. you are tricky.

About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.