Toilets could really be improved, and I have the solutions. Unfotunately, I am too busy to realize this dream, so I'm handing the ideas over to you, the masses. And by “masses”, I mean the zero people who read this amazing, thought-provoking, cutting-edge blog. Thank-you, thank-you. No, really, you're too kind.
Bathroom ventilation is always in the wrong place, way up on the ceiling. That's no good. Let's get the stinkies before they escape the toilet bowl in the first place. I envision a series of small holes lining the bottom of the toilet seat. These holes lead to a tube embedded within the seat itself, which runs into the wall, where a small fan then sucks the stinky air outside.
And what would be really great is if the system came on automatically when you sat down on the toilet.
Another good feature would be a remote control flusher. This way you could flush the toilet from a distance. Why would you want to do that? Ever been talking on the phone while you're taking a crap? You don't want the person on the other end to hear you flush, so you can walk away from the bathroom and then flush.
Another improvement would be a sensor that would detect if there is no toilet paper. It starts beeping when you sit on the toilet to alert you that you're about to get into a situation in which you're either going to have to open the door and shout “Can somebody bring me some toilet paper?”, or, if you live alone, then you have to walk to the other bathroom while stooped over and holding your butt-cheeks apart with your hands.
Emergency Overflow Prevention
Why this isn't already a standard feature is beyond me. I'm picturing it as a big red button that, when pressed, will stop the flow of water into the toilet after you've flushed. That way, whenever you see that the toilet's about to overflow, you just hit the big red button and the water stops rising.
Sleep Saving Pee-Hole
This last one's a little different, and technically is not a toilet improvement per say... but it's related. And it's only for people with penises.
Wait, that doesn't look right. Is that how you pluralize “penis”? Penises? Or is it penii? And would “people with penises” mean people with more than one penis? Because that's not what I mean. I mean people who have just one penis each. I got it:
It's for dudes.
It's a tube that runs up through a hole in the mattress of your bed. A fabric-covered trap-door allows you to stick your penis in and pee. It even has a flushing mechanism and a built-in automatic dick-shaker. Nice. Not only do you not have to get out of bed to take a leak, you don't even have to shake your dick.
Here's the commercial, complete with annoying TV voice:
Hey guys! Tired of getting out of bed to drain the lizard?
Well now you don't have to! Introducing “The Dude Tube”TM!
The amazing Dude Tube turns your bed into a toilet.
That's right, you heard me - It turns your bed into a toilet!
How does it work?
Just roll on your stomach, stick your ding-dong in the special Ding-Dong HoleTM and let Dude Tube do the rest!
No longer will you have to stand-up to piss! Dude Tube takes vertical pissing OUT of the EQUATION!
But wait – there's more!
The Dude Tube comes with a built-in Pecker ShakerTM. Three good shakes and you're good to go!
For the ultimate in late-night, hands-free, high-tech horizontal urination, call the number on your screen NOW!!
Isn't it time YOU started peeing in your bed?