Tuesday, April 3, 2007

What I've Learned About Blogging

I've been blogging for 4 whole days now, and here's what I've learned:

Most bloggers are female
I didn't know this until I started looking around. According to www.livejournal.com/stats, women make up 67% of their bloggers. I couldn't find stats for blogspot, but I'd guess it's about the same.

And I'm glad, too. It's nice to finally be out-numbered by women. I always wondered why men out-numbered women in the bars, and now I know. They're all at home, blogging.

Another item on my list of “things I've learned”, is:

Keep responses short
Apparently, when you leave a response on someone else's blog, most people prefer that your response is not longer than the original post itself. I sometimes get a little carried away. I have a problem shutting up, so I just type and type. I have a lot to say. I would've thought people would welcome long responses. The more content, the more Google hits, right? I guess I'm from a different district of the internet.

Also, when you do comment on someone else's blog, don't criticise their choice of font-size, or else Ms Smack might pop in and give you a spanking. Oh, and speaking of spankings, here's another little tidbit of useful information I picked up:

Don't fuck with This Chick
Apparently, she has an army of loyal readers who will descend upon your blog and UBER-FUCK you into next Thursday. So that's good to know.

This next item probably seems pretty obvious, I had just not really thought about it before. I really had only read 3 or 4 blogs regularly before I started my own, and this was never an issue, but:

It helps if you're hot
Just being hot by itself won't do it, of course, but it certainly doesn't seem to hurt. And with that in mind, I think it's time I brought out the big guns. I think it's time I reveal that I, too, am super-hot.

So prepare yourself ladies.

Gay dudes, you can look too.

This is my ass.

Smack Ass

Pretty nice, huh?

I know what you're probably thinking: “that's not Captain Smack's real ass. That's some high-paid male model's ass”. But, no, it's really mine. It even has my initials tattoo'd onto it, so it has to be mine.

I bet I'll get a lot of traffic now.

Anyway, I've been doing all this research, trying to figure out how to get people to read my blog. And then, after 4 days of this, it suddenly occures to me: who gives a shit?

I mean, really - I don't even like people. Then on the other hand, if I didn't want people to read it, why put it on the internet? So, obviously I do give a shit. Or do I?


I dunno, I don't have it completely worked out yet. I'll get back to you.

In the mean time, this is my policy: I'm going to just keep writing my blog-crap, because I seem to care, but I'm going to pretend that I don't care. That'll make it easier for me.

Also, I have some ideas for improving toilets. I think I'll get to that next. So if you're dissatisfied with the current state of toilet technology, then keep your eyes peeled, because besides being a singing, guitar-playing blogger with mind-blowing butt-cheeks, I'm also a part-time inventor, and I've got this toilet situation all figured out.

I love you all very much.


Steph said...

I have an army of loyal fans but they are sincerely nice people. Ubermouth got TWO negative comments that were tongue in cheek anyway, and it just got blown out of proportion.

Two people out of 300 hits is not bad.

People need to relax.

Welcome to highschool. Wanna play tag at lunchtime?

Captain Smack said...

I know what you mean, Steph.

It's funny when people take something you say tongue-in-cheek and then get all bent out of shape about it.

Steph said...

Touche! I'm just a little over all the blog bashing that's going on lately.
Fair enough we put ourselves out there, and everyone has the right to an opinion, but I seem to be getting a lot of 'reviews', or snide comments in others blogs, and it's wearing me down a bit.

Very over it.

Captain Smack said...

Strange. I really thought that ass picture would whip up some hits... Where the hell is everybody?

I hear ya, it's all good.

Cassie said...

nice junk in the trunk ;)


Fuck me the word verification is a long one... it's longer than ur post

Girl #1 said...

it doesn't help if you're hot. if you are a girl, people will assume that you are hot because that's what they'd like to believe. i could be (read: am) a 50 year old troll that eats nothing but beefaroni all day long, but people will assume that im a hot chick because I post as "Girl #1". I don't even have a flattering picture of myself on my blog and people still say that I'm hot. The dudes of the internet are a strange breed, indeed.

Captain Smack said...

Yeah, that word verification thing is starting to get ridiculous. I just disabled it.

Girl #1:
True, true. I should have said it helps if people think you're hot.

As for the picture on your blog, it's not a glamor shot or anything, but to me it basically looks like a fairly hot chick making a weird face. And the fact that you are holding a beer doesn't hurt (drunk hot chick trumps hot chick).

Ms Smack said...

I totally agree with you Steph!

Smack - you have a ass I could bounce a coin from...

Post more!

UBER MOUTH said...

What the fuck are my initials doing on YOUR ass Mister?

Anonymous said...

You need to put tags on your posts saying stuff like lovely mans butt... so pervs searching will find you.

Captain Smack said...

That's just what my blog needs - more perversion.

About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.