Tuesday, April 3, 2007

I Have Holes In My Brain

I ran across some forum from 2005 in which some people in the UK had argued about the UK's drug laws. As a man on a mission to kill as many braincells as possible (hopefully ridding myself of this painfully sharp intellect), this is sort of a topic of interest to me. Also, I thought I may learn something about the UK's drug policies, which is good to know because I plan to go there someday and do a lot of drugs.

Anyway, this one bloke says that he's never done drugs before, but he knows how bad they are because he knew this guy who “took one too many bong hits” and was "psychotic for five years".

Ok, well that happens all the time. Everyone knows the limit is 5,751 bong hits, and then the next one makes you stark raving mad. But this other guy he knew? Well, he took some acid once, and tried to throw the guy off of a 5-story building. Onto a cloud that he thought was there.

That's fine, I expect people to pass around these bullshit stories. They're like urban legends. And in a way, it kind of makes sense. If you have no actual experience with acid, you might think that that's the kind of thing that might happen. But, for some reason, it just doesn't work that way. People do some weird shit on acid, but they don't throw their friends off buildings, or jump off buildings “thinking they can fly”, and they don't stare directly at the sun until they go blind.

It kind of seems like they would, but they don't.

This is what people on acid do: They talk about stuff. That's usually about it. Sometimes they fuck, dance and listen to music, but it usually doesn't go beyond that.

Talking about bullshit drug stories reminds me of this:

I used to work at this restaurant, and pretty much all the guys who worked there had partied fairly hard at some point in their lives. Many were going through their "party phase" at the time. Almost everyone there had done ecstasy quite a bit. I don't know if it was just that particular restaurant, or if ecstasy was just super popular right then, or what, but my collegues were all a bunch of druggies.

So, anyway, these two guys are in the kitchen, both of which I knew had done ecstasy many times, and they're talking about ecstasy, and one of them says, “you know, that shit really does put holes in your brain”. The other guy sort of agrees, like yeah, that's what they say.

Then they start talking about that commercial they used to show on MTV, the one where the guy shows us the CAT scan of some raver's brain, and it looks like it has holes all in it. You remember that? They used to show it all the time. According to the CAT scan, this poor, dead dumb fuck had these big fucking holes in his brain from doing ecstasy.

And these two guys are talking about this commercial as if it's legitamate, as if it makes sense. Now remember - these are a couple of guys who've rolled on ecstasy quite a few times.

So I chime in with: “Yeah, it's true. I've got lots of holes in my brain”. They both laugh, like I'm joking around, but I say: “No, seriously. What happened was, about a year ago I got into a car accident, had to go to the hospital. Well, the accident was no big deal, but they went ahead and did a brain scan. They were worried because I'd hit my head pretty hard. Well, the accident didn't cause any problems, but they found that I had all these holes, all through my brain. It had to be the ecstasy. That's what they told me anyway.”

These guys knew that I'd rolled a lot before I'd started working there, and were like “Really? Seriously?”, and I said, “Yeah, like swiss cheese. There were six holes, each one about the size of a cigarette burn”. I was thinking about that MTV ad, and pretty much describing the brain scan from the ad. “The doctor was amazed”, I said.

“So what did they do?”

“Nothing” I said. “There's nothing they can do, really. I'm just going through life with holes in my brain.”

They were really amazed, too. “So you've got holes in your brain right now?” They became suspicious. “Dude. It seems like you'd be dead.”

I said “I would be dead, dumbass. Of course I don't have holes in my brain!”

That's what's so weird, that people sort of half-believe these bullshit commercials, but they all sort of know it's bullshit.

So what puts holes in your brain? MTV puts holes in your brain. That's why they were so eager to run those ads - it was mainly just to take the heat off of them. Besides, that's the only way a person could actually tolerate the mindless, retarded crap Mtv pumps out 24 hours a day. Pimp My Ride. Sweet Sixteen Party. Road Rules. All that other crap. If I were strapped into chair and had to watch that all day, I would pray for brain-holes.

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.