Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Picking My Nose

The following are a few things that have been on my mind lately. I could probably write a full length post on any of the following topics, but for now I just need to get this stuff out of the way. They're in my brain, clogging everything up.

Axe Body Spray
CONSUMER ALERT: This crap doesn't work. Not as advertised anyway. In the commercials, good-looking women physically jump on any guy wearing this stuff. It looked fun, so I bought some, sprayed it all over myself for a good 9 or 10 minutes, and then went to the grocery store and walked around a while. Not only did I not get jumped on, it actually seemed to drive women away. So don't waste your money on this crap.

Nose Rake
I wish I had a nose-rake. Since I was a child, I've imagined a tiny little rake that I could use to get at those hard-to-get boogers that are woven into the nose hair. My fingernails just aren't cutting it. And sometimes I wish I could make myself really, really small, and climb into my own nose with my tiny nose-rake and just really get those suckers out. On a related note: when I'm sick, I picture myself really small, inside my own lungs, with a water-pick. I use it to wash away the mucous. It's a very satisfying thought.

Eminem
I wonder if Eminem blogs. I bet he blogs. He probably blogs under some anonymous name, and does it as a way of expressing his dorky white side. I bet he watches CNN a lot, too. I just have a feeling.

Speaking of Rappers...
Do rappers still rap about money, ho's, jewelry, and expensive alcoholic beverages? I don't know, I haven't listened to any rap in a while, and I was just wondering if the subject matter had changed yet. I think if I were a rapper, I'd rap about politics. That might be why I'm not a rapper. How many things ryhme with Gingritch?

Hmmm....

Mean bitch.
Green witch.
Clean ditch.
Spleen itch.

Ok, I guess several things rhyme with Gingritch. Maybe I'll give this rapping thing a shot.

Bush Stickers
Speaking of politicians, Bush's approval rating is now around 29%. It must be a strange moment, when, after having argued in favor of Bush's policies for so long, you now have to remove the Bush bumper sticker from your SUV. I wonder how many people have removed their Bush stickers quietly, at night, so no one would see. It would be funny: you're quietly peeling off the sticker, and suddenly your liberal loony neighbor jumps out of nowhere and says “HA! See? I told you!”

An Amusing Thought
I had a really amusing thought, and I was going to put it right here, but now I can't remember what it was. So instead I put this. It's not nearly as funny as what I was going to put here, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway.

Note to Self: Whatever
I have to keep reminding myself that not-giving-a-shit is an option. I was watching the news the other day, and saw that some scientists had made a part-goat/part-human creature. It looked like a goat, but had %15 human DNA. I started freaking out about it. I started thinking: you know, one day they're just going to screw around and accidentally create some weird thing that has just the right number of neuro-receptors, and it will have super powers. Like a raccoon/giraffe thing that can smash things with it's mind.

I was upset, thinking “what the hell are they doing!!?” - and then I remembered that I could just not give a shit. Or, as Kahil Gabram put it “I don't mind what happens”, which is similar.

Tom Cruise
I don't give a crap about Tom Cruise one way or the other, but it's interesting to me when society just randomly picks some guy out and then takes a big crap on him. He gets a bad rap. He jumps up and down on Oprah's sofa, and everyone's like “Oh my God! He's mentally deranged!”. How is that deranged? Hell, I've jumped up and down on things a lot weirder than sofas, and nobody says I'm...

Ok, bad example.

Purple People
One last thing: People often say that they don't care if someone is purple. Whenever you hear this, it's usually when a person is defending some racist point of view, and it goes like this: “And it's not because he's black - I don't care if he's black, brown, white or purple.”

Hey, you know what? I'm pretty sure you would care if they were purple. Why? Because nobody's fucking PURPLE! If someone was purple, that would be kind of a big deal. I'm just saying.

18 comments:

Steph said...

A nose rake is a friggin genius idea.
I suggest you patent that immediately before some nuff nuff reads this and steals the idea that could make you a million bucks!!!

Gorilla Bananas said...

"Like a raccoon/giraffe thing that can smash things with it's mind."

Giraffes have a good sense of humour and raccoons just want to eat snacks. But a cross between a buffalo and Sheriff Buford T Justice would be the end of human civilisation.

RW said...

A pretty good argument for keeping shit off your bumper.

Tom said...

You should mention how there is almost always a Jesus Fish, or some other Jesus crap sticker, right nest to the Bush stickers. Along with a really bad driver in the SUV or crappy van.

Erica AP said...

Your thoughts make me ponder life in a way I've never thought possible... Thank you Mr. Smack.

And what if there are purple people but we don't know about them because the Purple People Eater eats them??

Captain Smack said...

Steph said...
A nose rake is a friggin genius idea.
I suggest you patent that immediately before some nuff nuff reads this and steals the idea that could make you a million bucks!!!


I have a whole list of inventions I need to get patented. The nose rake ranks somewhere between the bed-with-pee-hole and the Blowjomatic 2000.


Gorilla Bananas said...
"Like a raccoon/giraffe thing that can smash things with it's mind."

Giraffes have a good sense of humour and raccoons just want to eat snacks. But a cross between a buffalo and Sheriff Buford T Justice would be the end of human civilisation.


You clearly know much more about this than I do, so if the geneticists come asking for advice, I'll definitely send them your way.


RW said...
A pretty good argument for keeping shit off your bumper.


I see we are of like minds. I myself have a strict no-bumper-sticker policy.


Tom said...
You should mention how there is almost always a Jesus Fish, or some other Jesus crap sticker, right nest to the Bush stickers. Along with a really bad driver in the SUV or crappy van.


Well, the post is already written... but I'll go ahead and mention those things right here in the comments section: Hey, ever notice how there is almost always a Jesus Fish, or some other Jesus crap sticker, right nest to the Bush stickers? Along with a really bad driver in the SUV or crappy van. (I know, I'm a smart-ass.)


Erica AP said...
Your thoughts make me ponder life in a way I've never thought possible... Thank you Mr. Smack.

And what if there are purple people but we don't know about them because the Purple People Eater eats them??


My pleasure, Erica. That's what I'm here for, to help expand your consciousness. I'm like peyote, except I won't make you throw up (usually). Oh, and thanks for mentioning the Purple People Eater - someone needed to do it.

D. C. Warmington said...

Did you hear about the truck in NYC with a bumper sticker that read "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS"?

A born-again pulls up behind it at some lights and sounds his horn.

Cab door opens. Gorilla-sized truck-driver gets out, very, very angry, clutching a tire-iron (as I think they're called in the USA). "Who the fuck are you hooting at a red light?" he shouts, as he starts hitting the born-again's head.

I don't think the assault ended in death, though I can't be sure.

It turns out the truck was being driven by a relief driver, who didn't know the sticker was there.

mutleythedog said...

Tee hee heee! "Bush Stickers"! Tee hee...

Captain Smack said...

.d.c:
I had not heard that amusing anecdote, but thank you for sharing it. It would be funny if the guy did die, then woke up in Heaven, saw Jesus and screamed "You bastard! This is all your fault!"

mutely:
Glad the bumper sticker bit made you laugh (even if it is a somewhat girly laugh...)

Utegirl said...

Bumper stickers.. love 'em.

Over here in Oz there's a dedicated following of Ute drivers who plaster their Utes with some great stuff..
A selected few-
"If you can read this sticker then I have lost my caravan"
"Are you flirting with me officer?"
Good cowgirls keep their calves together"
"Dont like my driving? Email me-eatShit@gofuckyourslf.com"
"Sticks & stones may break my bones but whips & chains excite me"
"Save a virgin-do me instead"

There's so many good ones out there.

Personally, I always think if you see a car with one of those fish stickers, it's almost as bad as seeing a volvo with a guy driving with a hat on.

Captain Smack said...

I understood all that, up to the part about fish, volvos and hats. That's where the culture-gap kicked in.

UBER MOUTH said...

The only bumper sticker I ever owned ( as I hate them) said " Support Bingo - Keep Granma off the streets" ..and then to be a fuck I put one onmy granddad's Maxi which read " Grandpa's Hotrod! Does anyone give a shit though?
GReat post except the nose rake ( or anything to dow ith noses) makes me want to vomit. Please refrain form EVER posting about that subject again.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Steph's right. The nose rake is pure genious. I have one request before you patent this thing though. Can you make sure it comes with some sort of booger bag (like a doggie bag for poop, except for boogers). I'm a freak, I know. But I strongly dislike it when people roll their boogers up and rub them...

oh, let's say...

all over the car seat?

And another thought I'm pondering before I must go:

Are you secretly Eminem pretending to be Captain Smack? That would be so uber cool!!!!

The Boob Lady said...

Holy Shit Captain Smack, I came over after your comment and I'm hooked. I'll be back aftre work. Be waiting.

The Little Cheese said...

Hello Captain,

Your post has made me think about bumper stickers... we don't have many political ones in Blighty. But I will keep an eye out to see whether anyone is surreptitiously peeling a Blair one off their fiesta in time for his resignation.

As for amusing thoughts: ever had one, forgotten it, and by the time you remember it, the moment had passed, it was less funny, and you wish you had forgotten it for good? If so, welcome to my world!

Captain Smack said...

boob lady:
Yay! I'll be waiting with my lucky socks on.

little cheese:
Yes, I have, especially when I've had the brain chemistry adjusted. I've even written stuff down, then later read it and had no idea what I was talking about, like: "monkeys playing football. One monkey looks like Richard Nixon." It was hilarious and made perfect sense at the time.

Captain Smack said...

UBE:
Gettin' awfully bossy, aren't we? Tell you what: you reduce your font size so I no longer have to have your blog translated by my 80 year old Grandmother, and I'll promise not to talk about noses anymore.


shelly:
A booger-bag you say? Hmmm, not a bad idea. And yes, I'm actually Eminem. The truth is out.

The Boob Lady said...

Dammit, I hate making typos. I assume you know that I meant "After" work, not aftre.

I shall stay now, I love it here.

About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.