My friend UBERMOUTH seems to always be a little behind on the fashions. I, on the other hand, have my finger on the pulse of modern culture, and I like to stay ahead of the curve on fashions and trends and what-not. So I'll do her and the rest of you out-dated squares a favor, and give you a heads-up on some of the next big crazes. Start incorporating these activities into your lifestyle now, while they're still fresh and pre-hip:
It's the latest in extreme footwear! Shoes are so 2006, and high-heels can only go so high - but walk around in stilts and you'll literally be 10 feet tall! You'll love it!
If you want to show everyone how rebellious you are, then piercings are no longer enough. Be in the in-crowd, and have your pinky fingers removed! Or, if you're really hardcore, amputate your legs. Now, that's punk rock!
Crapping in Public
It used to be big in Europe a long time ago, and now it's making a comeback! Don't wait for this fad to come and go, take a big dump on the sidewalk today!
If you thought cyber-sex was fun, try some ear sex! This involves someone literally fucking you in the ear. (helpful hint: use your non-cellphone ear.)
The latest drug craze, if you're into that sort of thing, is Lithicane. It's a cross between cocaine and lithium. It makes you drool while being really excited about absolutely nothing! And the best part is, after you come down from it, you can't remember a goddamn thing - not even your own name! Talk about relieving stress!
The cellphone fad came and went, and then the kids started "texting". But even that is proving to be too intimate of an experience, so now we're bringing back smoke-signals! All you need to make a call is a blanket, some matches, and a can of gasoline.
Now, this last one might not catch on in Europe, Canada or Australia, but it's a REALLY big hit here in the United States. Punch holes in your gas tank. That's right - with gasoline literally spilling out behind you wherever you go, you'll get worse mileage than a Hummer! And as a bonus, it's terrible for the environment! How much more patriotic can you get? That'll show those terrorist sons-of-bitches!
I hope this helps, Ube. When you're walking around on stilts, with no fingers, crapping in the street and setting things on fire, you'll have me to thank. Good luck!