Sunday, April 29, 2007

For UBERMOUTH: The Latest Crazes

My friend UBERMOUTH seems to always be a little behind on the fashions. I, on the other hand, have my finger on the pulse of modern culture, and I like to stay ahead of the curve on fashions and trends and what-not. So I'll do her and the rest of you out-dated squares a favor, and give you a heads-up on some of the next big crazes. Start incorporating these activities into your lifestyle now, while they're still fresh and pre-hip:

It's the latest in extreme footwear! Shoes are so 2006, and high-heels can only go so high - but walk around in stilts and you'll literally be 10 feet tall! You'll love it!

Decorative Amputations
If you want to show everyone how rebellious you are, then piercings are no longer enough. Be in the in-crowd, and have your pinky fingers removed! Or, if you're really hardcore, amputate your legs. Now, that's punk rock!

Crapping in Public
It used to be big in Europe a long time ago, and now it's making a comeback! Don't wait for this fad to come and go, take a big dump on the sidewalk today!

Ear Sex
If you thought cyber-sex was fun, try some ear sex! This involves someone literally fucking you in the ear. (helpful hint: use your non-cellphone ear.)

The latest drug craze, if you're into that sort of thing, is Lithicane. It's a cross between cocaine and lithium. It makes you drool while being really excited about absolutely nothing! And the best part is, after you come down from it, you can't remember a goddamn thing - not even your own name! Talk about relieving stress!

Smoke Signals
The cellphone fad came and went, and then the kids started "texting". But even that is proving to be too intimate of an experience, so now we're bringing back smoke-signals! All you need to make a call is a blanket, some matches, and a can of gasoline.

Fuel Dumping
Now, this last one might not catch on in Europe, Canada or Australia, but it's a REALLY big hit here in the United States. Punch holes in your gas tank. That's right - with gasoline literally spilling out behind you wherever you go, you'll get worse mileage than a Hummer! And as a bonus, it's terrible for the environment! How much more patriotic can you get? That'll show those terrorist sons-of-bitches!

I hope this helps, Ube. When you're walking around on stilts, with no fingers, crapping in the street and setting things on fire, you'll have me to thank. Good luck!


UBER MOUTH said...

I am soooooooooooooo there if you can guarantee me ( and I do require it IN writing) that the other next craze is fucking girls fingerless girls on stilts who need their asses wiped!
TY for the link.....You make me feel "almost famous".....but you know what I'm really holding out for!

Anonymous said...

You missed gene splicing -its the hot craze I tip for Ibiza this year - groooovey!

Shelly Rayedeane said...

I bet you midgets would love the stilts. Midgets fucking on stilts. Oh, what a vision.

UBER MOUTH said...

Fuck you're a pervert Shelley!

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Hey, Uberboobs? You mean to tell me you wouldn't watch if you saw 2 midgets fucking on stilts?

Erica AP said...

I'd have to say you are one great salesman... I would buy or do anything you told me to do and you wouldn't even have to cut your finger off to prove how cool you are.

The Boob Lady said...

Thank God! I totally just pinched one off on the sidewalk and was hoping that it was again socially acceptable.

I did it WHILE wearing stilts with only one leg...

Talented no?

Captain Smack said...

I don't actually start the trends, Ube, but I'll see what I can do. As for me personally, nothing turns me on more than an extremely tall woman who need her ass wiped.

That's good to know. Maybe the Ibizans will figure out a way to cross-breed a raver with a glowstick. You just shake it up and watch it dance! That would be awesome.

Nice to see you're in touch with your inner pervert, Shelly. And, yes, I would definitely watch midgets on stilts having sex.

I'm glad you feel that way, Erica, that's very encouraging. When I start my cult, I'll make sure to put you in charge of passing out the kool-aid.

Boob Lady:
I knew you were the hardcore one, Boob Lady. It's people like you who help to dispel the stereotype that Canadians are pussies.

The Boob Lady said...

Amen to that brother!! (Father? Your Holiness?) I'm not really sure what to call you there. Awkward? Uhh.. Ok, Bye.


Erica AP said...

Not only do I love the Boob Lady because of her name and nice rack, but I love her for her witty banter.

Captain Smack said...

Boob Lady:
Just "Captain" will do. And instead of "Amen", you can just use the standard "Aye Aye". But it's really kind of optional.

You nailed it. Nice Rack + Witty Banter = Dream Girl. It's as simple as that.

ploop said...

Great advice Captain. Amputations are a fine idea for getting attention. I've also had it on good authority that TB is making a comeback as a retro disease for the uber trendy

Dave Evanns said...

Thanks for the tip on the Ear sex. I was bored with the standard practices and looking for something new to try!

Captain Smack said...

Ah, TB. Now that's old skule. Where are my Van Morrison records...

That's what I'm ear for. I'm like Dr. Ruth, only not as tall or masculine.

Malathionman said...

I think I should patent a people pooper scooper.

Electro Kevin said...

My goodness what a louche blog.

Oh well, when in Rome.

I suppose a couple of 'decorative leg amputations' is the only way I'll ever have a dick that reaches the floor. :-(

B said...

Thanks for visiting my blog

yours is a good read

sorry but I have to....

regarding LOL I am not 14 yrs old but I do use it more than I thought I did. I guess as a way to indicate that I am trying to be humorous.( that sounds sad but oh well) I will try to curtail my use however I will not totally eliminate it as I believe age doesn't justified when something is acceptable or not. I am in my 30's and I wanna use it sometimes-so I will.

But thanks for bringing the issue to my attention hope that doesn't prevent you from visiting again.

and incase you didn't read my comment back to you on my blog the short of it- cats are retards as well.

Have a great day captain smack.

Captain Smack said...

A people pooper scooper. That's the kind of outside-of-the-box thinking that will take you far in life.

Electro Kevin
Cutting your legs off to make your penis appear longer. That's the kind of outside-of-the-box thinking that will get you hauled away in a straight jacket.

Listen, "B"...

You seem like a nice person and all, but I'm The Captain, and The Captain has certain rules. No LOL's. This isn't a democracy, it's a Smackocracy. If you wanna take a ride upon my Mystery Ship, you gotta play ball. There's only one person who's allowed to use LOL around here, and that's UBERMOUTH - and the only reason she gets away with it is because she's, well... "special".

You're already skating on thin ice with me as it is, with your pro-dog/anti-cat agenda. I'll try not to hold it against you since you're Canadian, and I suppose it's possible that cat/dog culture might be different where you are.

The Boob Lady said...

Aye Aye! (Can I salute you too? Cause I'm saluting you...)

What about a curtsey?

A curtsey on stilts?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Most of these crazes seem quite old. Ear sex was invented by an orang-utan in 1876. "Did you see that rabbit's ears?" he said to his wife. "Fuck that rabbit's ears!" she replied.

Captain Smack said...

Boob Lady:
A curtsy on stilts really isn't neccesary... though I wouldn't turn it down.

Gorilla Bananas:
I guess you're right, GB. What was it Ecclesiastes said? "Everything is retro under the sun" (or something like that).

B said...

If it's so bad why did you use it twice so freely in your response to me- maybe you really like it??? "wink"

anyway I am not anti- cat either did you not read my post??? I have a little missy I am trying to take care of.

I will respect your ship but if a mistake happens.......

B nice to me

Captain Smack said...

Ok, B, I'll play nice-nice. Thankyou for taking care of missy, that's very kind of you. You are a good person, you have great hair, and I imagine that you smell quite nice.

B said...


your welcome

thank you

I know:)

I do actually said...

Very worthwhile piece of writing, thank you for your article.

About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.