Sunday, April 1, 2007

How to Wish Properly

I think a lot of folks, if they had three wishes, would totally fuck it up and wish for things that would end up making them miserable. Because people go through life feeling that they are denied true happiness, they would attempt to “maximize” their wishes to get the most impact out of them.

It's very similar to people who, when faced with an all-you-can-eat buffet, eat much more than they should and end up so full that they are physically uncomfortable. It's the stupid animal side kicking in. Grab all you can, you may never have the chance again.
Here are some examples of bad wishes.

These are wishes that might seem very tempting, but would probably completely fuck up your life:

Bad Wish #1: Invisibility
Sure, it would be TONS of fun at first. Imagine it: The President is making his State of the Union Address. Millions of Americans are watching the President (the one's not watching American Idol). So you sneak up to the podium, completely invisible, and flick him on the nose.

You are truly using your powers for good.

But at some point – and it's inevitable - you would start using your powers for bad. You know very well that, eventually, you are going to sneak into your ex-lover's bedroom, just to see what she's up to. And when you see she's getting nailed by the Puerto Rican brick-layer from down the street, it's going to hurt.

There's nothing more pathetic than a suspicious, insecure, freshly-jilted, invisible ex.

Bad Wish #2: Can fuck anyone you want
This one's pretty hard to pass up. If you're a hetero guy or a lesbian, then you could jump Angelina. And if you're a straight female, or a gay guy, then you can have Mr. Pitt do your dirty work. And if you're bi, then you can be the meat in a Brangelina sandwich.

But then what? Where do you go from there? Fucking your way up the sexual food-chain is no fun if you skip right to the top, which is exactly what you would do. And once you are burnt-out on the best, there's no where to go but down.

Bad Wish #3: Endless supply of money
Money actually does buy happiness, but only up to a point. That point is $50,000 a year. After that, it's all just more money.

FACT: If you make $12,500 a year, and then suddenly start making $25,000, then, yes, you will be twice as happy. Then, if you start making $50,000 a year, you will again double your happiness. But that's it. That's the cut-off: $50,000. The Money Gods set it up that way, and there's nothing you or I can do about it. If you don't believe me, look at Dick Cheney. Does he look 1,000 times happier than the rest of us? Don't wish for money.

Bad Wish #4: Time Travel
I'm pretty sure that most Djinn would not allow this one, but in case you get one of those newb Djinn, then I feel I should warn you: This one is nothing but trouble. Most of these “Bad Wishes” are fun at first and then later lose their luster. But this one sucks right off the bat.

The human mind is just not built for time travel, and becomes easily confused when events are experienced out-of-sequence.

Remember Pulp Fiction? There were so many people – even smart people – who just couldn't figure out why Vince Vega was in the last scene. Wasn't he supposed to be dead?

Ask your Wish-Giver for time travel abilities and this is what you will be doing all the time. You will seem completely crazy to people, because you'll constantly be referring to things that didn't happen. Ixnay on the Imetravel Tay.

Bad Wish #5: Perfect body
Fun at first, but wears off quick. And it mostly benefits those who are fucking you. You'd be better off wishing that everyone you had sex with would have a perfect body for the duration of the sexual encounter. But that would wear off eventually too, and would cause you to get lazy and date ugly people.

Bad Wish #6: Super Intelligence
This one, I can tell you from first-hand experience, is not that great. As a matter of fact, in many ordinary situations, super intelligence is actually a handicap. You'd be surprised how little it actually helps. There seems to be no correlation to intelligence and happiness (or success for that matter), and, in cases of extreme intelligence, can actually cause you to be miserable. That's why so many of us genius types do so many drugs; we're trying to kill off brain cells and get a little relief.

So what, then? If you can't wish for any of these things, what should you wish for?

Here's how I look at it:

Life is a game. Games are supposed to be fun. That's why we play them. But, in order for a game to be fun, it must be challenging. But not too challenging. There must be freedoms and barriers.

Take chess: you have certain freedoms (you can move the rook from side to side and up and down), and certain barriers (you can't move the rook diagonally). If you could move any piece any way you wanted, any time you wanted, then the game would be boring. What's the fucking point?

The problem with modern life is that there's an imbalance between freedoms and barriers. That's why everyone's miserable. Even the “happy” people are miserable, so something must be out of whack. The trick is to increase the freedoms a little, or reduce the barriers, so that life is as fun as it can be. Tilt the board just right to get that freedom/barrier sweet spot.

With all that in mind, here are my three wishes:

Wish #1: Immunity to all illness
This doesn't mean I'm immortal, it just means I don't get sick. No colds, no bird-flu, no lung-cancer. I can fuck a Haitian junky prostitute up the ass every day, bareback, and not have to worry about HIV. But if I get hit by a car, then I'm fucked (even if I am wearing a rubber).

Wish #2: Sleeping is Optional
Sleeping is nice sometimes, but I mainly see it as a pain in the ass. It irritates me that I have to spend a third of my life laying in a fucking bed. Eight hours a day! That's like a job or something.

So I would wish that, whenever I felt tired, I could just lay down for 5 minutes, and then get back up completely refreshed and ready for a cup of coffee. Man, that would be great. That would give me an 8-hour a day advantage. And if I really wanted to sleep, like real sleep, then I could do that too.

Wish #3: Get All My Stuff Back
I lost a lot of stuff over the years. I had a cool shirt that said “I KILL FOR CHOCOLATE” on it. I loved that shirt. I had a first edition “Roger Waters: The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking” album. On the cover was a naked woman standing by the side of a road, hitchhiking. Her back was turned, but you could still see her ass. Americans, as usual, fucked it up by complaining to the retailers, so in the next printing they covered her ass with a black bar. But I had one of the originals, which was nice.

Then my cokehead roommate stole my entire record collection (plus my guitar amp, my wah-wah pedal and family-sized ball of Iranian Hashish) and ran off to California.

So I'd wish to get all that, plus every other item that I've ever lost or had stolen, or threw away accidentally, back.

It would all be organized into neat, clean boxes, and would be in the exact same condition that it was in when I lost it. That would be nice, wouldn't it?

“Oh, wow, my first baseball glove. Neat. And look here – it's my old pocket-pussy! I always wondered what happened to that. And what's this? A whole box full of drugs? Strange. I don't remember losing all these Ecstasy pills, but I guess I did. Oh, and here's that strange looking golden lamp I found that time, with the Arabic writing on the side. Wonder what that's for” ... etc.

That's how I'd do it, folks. Those would be my three wishes. And, while none of them are all that glamorous, I'm sure that, when factored together over a period of time, they would indirectly increase my chances of getting laid.


helen said...

i think about this A LOT. i am convinced that if i ever encounter a fairy and wish to lose 30lbs, she will go *poof* and then my right leg will be gone. bitch fairy.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

You're absolutely right. Being a genius would make me miserable. After all, I've never seen any unhappy dumb people. I think dumb people must have less analytical brain cells or something. They never have that wheel spinning in their head because they think, think, think all of the time.

Must be nice.

Can somebody please bitch slap me into dumbness? Ignorance would be pure bliss.

Captain Smack said...

Right, that's the other problem with wishes, you have to be very specific and consider all the possible interpretations. Have a corporate lawyer draw up your wish like a long, complicated contract. I was thinking about that when I came up with my three wishes. “I wish to never get sick again” and an anvil drops on my head.

Exactly. I'll even bet that dumb people think more than smart people. They just think about dumb things, like... I dunno, toast, or large piles of dirt or something. I say, if your really smart, you don't need to think that often. I pretty much do all of my thinking by lunch time, and then a little bit before I go to bed, but that's it. The rest of the time just I sniff glue or watch TV.

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