Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Flaming Moth of Redemption

...



Generally speaking, society seems to take a rather negative view of serial killers. This seems counter-productive. Everyone is always complaining about overpopulation, traffic jams, and long lines – yet whenever someone actually tries to do something about it, people insist they be locked away. It almost makes you wonder why serial killers even bother in the first place.

It really is a thankless job – and not the easiest one in the world, either – yet they do it for free. Not only do these volunteer workers not get paid for their efforts, they often have to cover some of the expenses (knives, rope, shovels, night-vision goggles, etc.) out of their own pockets. That's how dedicated they are.

I think one of the reasons they don't get much public support is because of the brutal nature of their work. Most modern people eat various animals all day long, yet have never killed anything bigger than a cockroach. They just don't have the stomach for all the violence and blood involved.

What I find interesting about serial killers is the creativity they display in their work. These people are artists. With the exception of copycat killers (goddamn posers), they can be pretty original. Each one's got their own style, their own special gimmick, their own unique way of making their statement.

For example, one guy might like to strangle his victims with a garden hose, and then put little pieces of broken mirror on their faces. What does it mean? What is he trying to say? Is he saying that, as a society, our victims “reflect” a broken system? Interesting. Another guy might do something completely different. Like his thing might be to knock off a married couple, then use their heads as bookends. What statement is he trying to make? Is he saying that no matter how close we become, words will always separate us? I don't know, but you have to admit, these guys are pretty deep.

Not the funniest bunch in the world, though.

And that's one of the things I think is missing in serial killing: humor. People would be a lot more accepting of killers if they made an effort to lighten things up a little. Writing “I Am the Flaming Moth of Redemption!” on the wall in the victim's blood just isn't that funny. Sure, it's weird, but “weird” isn't going to win you any popularity contests.

If anyone reading this is a serial killer – and I'm sure at least one or two of my readers are – I hope you take the following ideas into consideration when planning your next gig. These are just a few ideas, things you could do to improve your image in the public eye.

Make it fun!
First, have some custom t-shirts printed up. Then, each time you kill someone, put them in a t-shirt that says “I got strangled with a gym sock and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.” This would at least give the people at home a chuckle when they show it on the six o'clock news. This is just an example, of course, and you should come up with your own gimmick, something that reflects you as a person.

Here's another example of how you could liven things up. Make a little game out of it, one that everyone could get involved in. For example, you could call yourself The Wheel of Fortune Killer. Leave a little note next to your very first victim, whose name is, say, “Edward”, with a riddle:

A place you'll probably end up:



Then, each time you kill a new person, add another letter. So if you killed a guy named “Sam”, the note would say:

A place you'll probably end up:



See? Do something like this, and people will actually start looking forward to each new kill. Humans are naturally curious, and will want to know the answer to the riddle. They'll start placing bets at the office, which will make the whole experience more interactive and enjoyable for everyone. Well, almost everyone.

Better victims = better PR
Improving the entertainment value of your work would certainly help with your public image, but the main problem people have with serial killers is the selection of victims. What is it with killing hot blonde chicks? How do you expect society to get on your side if you're going around killing off all the hotties? If you want to score some major brownie points, you should stop killing hot blondes, and start getting rid of some of the people we'd like to see less of anyway. How about Lawyers? Nobody ever kills lawyers. Why not? I don't know about you, but I would feel a lot differently about someone who went around offing lawyers than I would about someone who was reducing our supply of hot blondes.

Another target you might consider is journalists. Serial killers are much like bloggers, in that they enjoy getting attention. If you really want to get in the papers, I think killing journalists would be a good move. And I'm not talking about the Woodward and Bernstein types – I'm talking about these journalists who keep our newspapers packed with stories about Paris Hilton (who is, by the way, an exception to the above “blonde chick” rule). These people would be easy targets, too, as they're always sneaking around, having secret rendezvous in shadowy parking lots with mysterious informants. In fact, you could just call a journalist on the phone and say “I have some juicy information on that guy who's been going around killing journalists... meet me behind the old lighthouse at midnight... and be sure to come alone...”

Man, I would be really good at this.

Another group of people I think a lot of folks wouldn't mind if there were less of are CEOs of major corporations. The mortality rate in this profession is disproportionately low, and, as any Zen Buddhist will tell you, balance is important. It might be a little more challenging, since CEOs are rich and generally have a higher profile than your average college chick, so you might have to plan this one out a little. All you really have to do is figure out their weak spot, their Achilles Heel. This is just a stab in the dark, but I'd bet most of these types are highly motivated by greed. Use it against them. Call them up and tell them you have some juicy insider information. Tell them you know a way that they could double their market share, while simultaneously wiping out an endangered species of turtle. Have them meet you behind the old lighthouse at midnight...

And since we're brainstorming on who would make good victims, let me just plant a few seeds:

  • Telemarketers

  • Televangelist

  • “Nu-rock” bands

  • Pedophiles*

  • Ku Klux Klan members

  • Advertising executives

  • Record company executives

  • Guys who wear their collars turned up

  • Radio station DJs who try to be funny

  • People who take forever to back out of parking spots

  • Anyone involved in the production or promotion of any reality show

  • People who use the word “literally” to denote something that is actually figurative, as in “I literally died laughing” or “she literally exploded with anger”, etc. I know that sounds picky, but it really bugs me, and lately I've noticed people doing it a lot, and it needs to stop.

  • Green Day
* excluding hot female teachers who have sex with their 14 year old male students. For god's sake, don't kill these people, they should be given medals.

and here's a list of people you should NOT kill:
  • Hot blonde chicks

  • Captains
As I mentioned before, these are just general ideas, and you should add your own personal touch, your own unique spin.

And if the police ever do catch up with you, please don't feel obligated to give me any credit, or even mention my name at all.

Have fun!

96 comments:

Erica AP said...

I'm not blond or a captain.

Dennis said...

Thank you, Captain. You have given me some useful ideas.

You will all be reading about the results. Very soon.

Gorilla Bananas said...

When are we going to get a serial killer that tickles people to death? Or drowns them in cornflakes? They lack imagination.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Dear Captain,
I was waiting so long to see something besides that damn boob mug. This was totally worth it. Thank you very much.
Sincerely, The Lady

Cunning Linguist said...

strike out green day. Replace with Dave Mathews. While you're at it, throw in a mutilation for his parents for bringing him into the world as well.

Remember kids. Friends don't let friends listen to Dave Mathews.

GT said...

"as any Zen Buddhist will tell you, balance is important"

As do accountants, who are quite close to CEOs really.

I may go into hiding now.

Fairmaiden327 said...

I second Erica, what gives? I'm a hot brunette. I'm totally offended. In other news, if the FBI ever pulled my library card I would be on death row. I have an add fascination with serial killers, always have.

Fairmaiden327 said...

...that would be odd not add.

Miss B said...

how about hot blond chicks who live in campers and lust after captains?

just askin'...

kiki said...

paedophile

you know, yesterday i drafted a post about serial killers too. i haven't posted it yet. i'm probably gonna have to wait a day or two now eh?
i think i absolutely love the t-shirt idea
next time i'm in the states (christmas) i'm going to kill someone that is wearing one of those t-shirts
they will trace you from this direct post
which will lead to me

rad

Madam Z said...

"People who use the word “literally” to denote something that is actually figurative, as in “I literally died laughing”

Oh yes! I will lead the brigade to rid the world of these vermin! And how do you feel about the mindless slugs who use the word "comprise" incorrectly, as in "The stew is comprised of many unsavory ingredients?" I am reaching for my extra long gym sock, as I write.

Captain Smack said...

Erica:
I didn't mention blue haired chicks because, really - when have you ever heard of a blue haired chick getting murdered?

And sorry to keep referring to you as a "chick", but somehow "woman" doesn't sound right, but then neither does "girl".


Dennis:
Go get 'em, tiger! Just remember, you didn't get any ideas from me, you got them from a telepathic Raccoon named Billy, who controls your thoughts with his serpent-like penis and helped the CIA assassinate Carter (who was then replaced by a droid).


Gorilla Bananas:
Ahhh... cornflakes. Cereal killer. Nice. I almost missed that one.


The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch:
My pleasure, M'dam. Although I can hardly imagine growing tired of that mug, but I suppose it's an "eye of the beholder" thing.

Yours truly,
Captain Smack


Cunning Linguist:
I suppose I could live without either of them, but something about offing Green Day just seems funnier to me.


GT:
Good point, GT, and it makes me wonder: how many Zen Buddhist accountants their are in the world? That might make a good religion/profession combo.


Fair Maiden:
Oh, great. Now you and Erica are teaming up on me...

...well, now that I think about it, I guess worse things could happen.


Miss B:
Oh dear. I do believe "hot blond in a camper" is some kind serial killers dream come true. You might want to invest in a very large hat.


Kiki:
Blogjinx! I don't see any reason to put the post off, it's all part of the cosmic design. Or whatever.

As for the t-shirts, they make a great Christmas gift for that special someone.


Madam Z:
Oh, god, I could on and on with stuff like that. Misuse of the word "irony" also really gets me, or when people put the comma after the conjunction and not before it. But i digress.

KittyMeow said...

"GT:
Good point, GT, and it makes me wonder: how many Zen Buddhist accountants their are in the world? That might make a good religion/profession combo."

Mr Grammar Nazi didn't just use the wrong "their/there/they're" did he?

Lol!!

Anyway - I think we're need a bloody big lot of serial killers if we were ever to turn the tide against overpopulation.
Maybe we should just start sending people into space. Eject them from the world. All those useless professions. Then they can go seed a planet somewhere on the other side of the galaxy*

* not my idea - I'm not that original - but I agree to it whole-heartedly!!

GT said...

There are some accountants I know who are trying to be Zen Buddhists and equating it with lazy. Then there are some accountants I want to murder

(Not equating Zen Buddhists with lazy stereotype)

Captain Smack said...

Kitty Meow:
Normally, any use of "LOL" on my beloved blog would incur some kind of wrath... however, seeing as to how you totally nailed me on the their/there/they're thing (dammit!), I guess I'll let it slide.

I kind of like the space idea, except that I wouldn't want it to be a government-run program. I think serial killers give it a more personal touch. I guess I'm kind of a romantic.


GT:
Using Zen Buddhism as an excuse for laziness is not a bad idea. If you were to get caught sleeping on the job, you could just say you were meditating. These days, nobody wants to fire someone if it might be construed as religious intolerance.

GT said...

I'm being a Zen accountant - and it's late in the afternoon. What does the riddle spell?

Beefcake Almighty said...

Don't kill fat kids that love death metal, hair brushing, and measuring.

Yes, that would be me.

morbid misanthrope said...

If someone kills Green Day because of this post, I owe you a beer. I've been trying to kill those douchebags for years. The closest I got was bitch slapping one of the guys from Blink 182 into a coma. I thought he was dead, but it turns out the little scamp was playing dead like a fruity, little, tutu-wearing possum.

Old Knudsen said...

Ever notice how there weren't any pedos until Whittney Houston sung about children being our future? it used to be plastics. Cunts try to kill me all the time maybe because I'm a Colonel not a captain, I think fake blondes should be killed for lying about their hair colour.

Captain Smack said...

GT:
Oh, c'mon, GT. Please. You don't really think I'm just going to give it up like a virgin on prom night, do you? You're a math guy with a good vocabulary, I'm sure you can figure it out.


Beefcake:
Fat kids that love death metal are not the one's I'm trying to protect. They're the one's I'm trying to protect others from.


Morbid:
The problem with killing Green Day is that there are so many ways to do it, it's kind of hard to choose one. Do you overdose them with heroin, thereby forcing them into a true Syd Vicious-style punkrock death? Do you beat them to death with their own Grammy awards? Or do you strangle them with acoustic guitar wire, while singing "Hope you had the time of your life"?

As for Blink 182 being in a coma, that would certainly explain some things.


Old Knudsen:
I put fake blonds in the same category as women with boob jobs. As long as it's not too obvious, knock yourself out. I believe the plastics are the future...

GT said...

I stayed back at work & got it.

You owe me a beer for this, Soy Capitan

~Miss Smack said...

I think this is by far the most interesting piece i've read on serial killers, and believe me, my bookcase is stuffed with this material.

I believe they stick mirrors on the victims face to watch themselves having sex with the corpse - DUH!

Everyone who's seen Silence of the Lambs sequel knows that!

LOVE this morbid stuff ~

WNG said...

You are, as always, a sage leader of the enlightened.
Is it wrong that I've got my mom hooked on the Captain?

Helen said...

I received this creepy e-mail about the population of China and India, and it has been scrolling through my mind. I was going to say maybe we could just send all serial killers to those countries, but that seems like (or actually is) genocide, and that's not funny.

Why is homicide funny but not genocide?

jali said...

I just may vote for you in '08.

Oh... almost forgot: lol

Jay said...

My biggest complaint about serial killers is that so many of them kill prostitutes. What's up with that? They're mostly just good, hard working women trying to pay their way through law school. Just like in the movies. Hookers are a vital part of society and the serial killers need to start taking your advice pronto.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I really liked the Wheel of Fortune idea. If you could somehow link that to a way for people to win prizes and/or cash, I think it'd be even more fun -- because, in your example, there are 6 more valuable consonants, including an X (which I've always thought should be worth more, as they are in Scrabble).

BTW, I figuratively laughed out loud reading that.

Guy-who-literally-knows-tshirts-salesperson said...

Hello everyone! For any of you who want to kill some people and put them in a t-shirt, just contact me. I literally (oops! I guess I will be the next target) know a guy who sells t-shirts. The more you kill people and put them in t-shirt, the more you get discount. This is limited offer, only for murder in 2007 only.

(If you are police or detective who doing research about serial killer, I hope you know that this is a joke. - Hey captain, should we include they who can't tell joke from reality?)

Erica AP said...

You can call me chick anytime. It sounds kinda bad ass like I'm a punk rocker chick... Right? Or am I just being hopeful? I swear I don't like Avril Lavigne... (Please don't look at my Ipod)

elyse the portuguese said...

It's like a humorous spin off of Boondock Saints. I'm all for it. While you're killing lawyers, lets knock off those douche bags who think they're so good they actually make commercials about it.

"I'M RONNIE DEUTCH AND I COULD SAVE YOU FROM TAX FRAUD FOR $20! JUST $20!"

anyone from CT will know the bitch I'm talking about.

GT said...

Damn it. I should have said "the Mathman Prophesises that it is SFU

EmmaK said...

I think you are in awe of this noble profession, and of course you have every right to be. Their creativity and cold blooded killing ability is something I too admire. I just hate those killers who get cocksure and sloppy, like UK killer Dennis Nilsen. As his murders continued, he found it difficult to dispose of the remains and had bin bags full of human organs stored in his wardrobe. Then the neighbours noticed the smell and the game was up. It just really angers me when these psychopaths don't give enough attention to detail, you know?

Anonymous Boxer said...

My new goal is to be called,

The Catapult Killer.

It has a nice ring to it?

marky said...

What the fucking fuck? GREEN DAY? If any of these ROCKING Northern California lads so much as gets a SCRATCH I'm gonna get a forensic computer guy, FIND you, and kick your ASS for even THINKING it. Other than that I like you. Bye.

Josh said...

I think Marky above just made the list...freaking Green Day fan clubbers.

I am all for respecting the quality of the mark. I think soft targets = soft serial killers.

Personally, if I was a serial killer, which i'm not - 2 more to qualify so I am told.

I would love to go head to head with those idiots on CSI and really mess with their heads and all their forensic mumbo jumbo.

I mean that would be game on.

Imagine (Literally?!?) freaking the tv programmers out when your crimes could not be solved in 45 minutes?

Forcing them to do one of those lame crossover shows where CSI meets Vegas and LA Law or some crap and they still can't figure it out?

I would love to see the look on their faces when they see my crime scene light up with their little sperm detector light?

They would lose their PG rating in a flash.

Hmmm. Now you have got me thinking...Twitch, twitch

Dennis said...

EmmaK, the crucial detail Mr N. overlooked was the plumbing. Other residents in the flats complained about a blocked drain -- he'd been flushing his friends down the bog. His neighbours considered this a grave social error, and the police & judge were of like mind.

marky said...

come check out my blog man. i am holding a blonde here until i see your comment on my blog man. if i don't see your visit, a captain is next. it's up to you.

Captain Smack said...

GT:
Right on, I knew you'd get it.


Miss Smack:
Sex with the corpse??? Is that what these people are doing? Jesus. They really are sick.


WNG:
Uh oh, you got your mom hooked on Smack? Be careful not to let it get out of control.


Helen:
I suspect it's because of that Hitler guy. Not only did he ruin genocide for everyone, but he also put an end to that freaky looking mustache. Which is fine with me, I never really cared for either.


Jali:
Geez, and I haven't even announced that I'm running yet. I guess I should get some bumperstickers printed up.


Jay:
Serial killers who kill prostitutes are bottom of the barrel, in my opinion. It's like people who fish with dynamite. Where's the sportsmanship?


Blowing Shit Up:
Great idea. The killer could start a website before going on his killing spree, then people could register for prizes. He could get advertising sponsorship from various related businesses, like knife companies, rope manufacturers, etc. "Today's murder was brought to you by Simmon's Funeral Home..."


Guy-who-literally...:
Joking? Oh, uh, yeah... that's right, these are just jokes...

Captain Smack said...

Erica:
Oh, you're totally bad ass. Like totally. And I'm not just saying that to make you feel better or anything. No, really.


Elyse:
Ah, that reminds me of another group I should have mentioned - people who yell at you on commercials. Well, I got the ad execs, that should cover it, I guess.


Emma:
A lot of these guys have that need-to-get-caught thing, which seems kind of self destructive, doesn't it? They should get counseling or something, that kind of behavior just isn't healthy.


Anonymous Boxer:
I love it. You would be a superstar, right up there with Manson, Bundy, and that clown guy.


Marky:
If the lead singer didn't sing in a fake British accent, I might would of let them slide. No, I'm sticking to it. Green Day's got to go.


Josh:
Oh my god. Killing off the cast of CSI, that's fucking genius! Almost makes me want to rewrite the post.


Dennis:
This guy, Mr N, he sounds like he just wasn't that into it. How unceremonious, flushing your victims down the drain. Serial killers should take pride in there work.


Marky:
Yeah, but how do I know she's a hot blonde? Just being blonde itself isn't enough.

Bock the Robber said...

People who say "alot" and "aswell" all need to be killed by a consultant serial killer.

Betty Boob Hug said...

I don't know what to say that is funny about serial killers other than I hope they all skip away to fairy land and leave me alone.

But I DO want to say that I think you are the funniest bugger on blogland and I am also tempted to send you a picture of my nipples in appreciation. (It's all I have to give)

Javatari said...

I have a question for you.

Is a serial killer who kills other serial killers, a serial killer, or a vigilante?

marky said...

I'm still holding her...waiting for you...No fake British accent in Green Day, never heard that. Go to an audiologist dude. Yes, she's a hot blonde. I took her temperature and it's 99.2.

phishez_rule said...

What about politicians? Can they kill them?

BottleBlonde said...

I got strangled with a gym sock and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

BAAAAAHAHahahahahahaijoserujwoetjfpasfvij! Truly hilarious. TRULY.

I'd like to thank you for serving as spokesman for the ethical treatment of hot blondes. We are an endangered species, and you are doing your part to keep us alive. Let us repay you by offering you an all expense paid trip to Iraq. It's the least we can do. ;-)

Dennis said...

Bock, what, pray, is a consultant serial killer?

Captain, you have said nothing about cereal killers, although you did make a reference to cornflakes. I am disappointed that this post lacks your usual thoroughness.

So disappointed that I think I have changed my mind. Rather than murdering suicide blondes, I might go for bloggers who look like the stupid pictures of Jesus in my old Sunday-school books even though Jesus was a semite, a Jew to be precise, and nothing like the namby-pamby wishy-washies in the pictures with their just-laundered robes and just-Sunsilked hair and their deodorized ... you get the picture, Jesus if he existed which some people dispute but if he existed was a rough, tough sort of guy not above turning over tables in the temple and casting out demons and stuff and I bet he ponged a bit as hot showers were thin on the ground back then in the Holy Land; anyway, he never wore a captain's hat, AFAIK, and I don't remember in the gospels any reference to turntables, though of course they're written in Greek and maybe lost a bit in translation.

I consider your image very blasphemous which is why I refuse to visit your blog or leave a comment.

YOU WILL BE THE FIRST ON MY LIST!

Prunella Jones said...

Is it wrong that the first thing I thought of after reading this post was how much I'd love to watch a reality show about a serial killer who goes around killing reality show stars?

Jules said...

Forget Green Day.

Get rid of fucken Oasis. Why are these arrogant fuckers still alive?? They suck, they are ugly, they are copycats and they are rude and fucked in the head.

The Gallaghers must die.

I sat for ten minutes at the hospital the other day waiting for a fucken wankstain on a cellphone to back out of a park. Seriously, he started up his car, started to back, I indicated and he sat there yapping for ten. Why didn't I drive on? I was already ten minutes late, it was pouring with rain and another group of twatts, who deserve to be knocked off, designed a whole new multi million dollar womans hospital next to the existing public hospital without adding in one extra carpark. No, not ONE!!

Captain Smack said...

Bock:
Wow, and I thought I was picky...


Betty:
Just your kind words are enough to make me smile, though I would never turn down a nipple shot.


Javatari:
I believe that would be a metakiller.


Marky:
Ok, ok, I'll see what I can do, no need to waste a feverish blonde. But Green Day does use a fake British accent. Kind of like how Creed uses a fake Pearl Jam accent.


Phish:
I'd prefer not to get rid of politicians, as they are my #1 source of humor.


BottleBlonde:
Hey, thanks! I was planning to vacation in South Africa or the Gaza strip this year, but Iraq sounds pretty nice too. I'll start stocking up on sunblock and kevlar.


Dennis:
I happen to know Jesus, he's a buddy of mine, and he thought the picture was pretty cool. Actually, it was Jesus' roommate, Elvis, who told me that, so it's second hand news, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't yanking my chain. But then you can never tell with Elvis, he likes to screw with people's heads sometimes and say a bunch of crazy sounding stuff that isn't true, just to see how they'll react.


Prunella:
You need to get out of Nashville. Hollywood - that's where you need to be.


Jules:
As for Oasis, you're preaching to the choir. I thought it was funny when they said that they were "bigger than the Beatles", especially because of the Beatles' "bigger than Jesus" thing. I guess if you consider that Oasis has 5 members, whereas the Beatles only had 4, then I guess they really were bigger than the Beatles. But then if you went by total body weight, Meatloaf would be bigger than the Beatles.

The really weird thing about Oasis and Green Day is that I can't stand either of them, yet i love that mash-up song.

Jin said...

Savage Garden, or any sad bastard that listens endlessly to the drivel they produce - ditto Celine Dion & theme from Titanic.
Accountants.
People who wear glasses & then look over them!
Administration personnel, particularly in banks, hospitals & most British Consulates.
Anyone wearing a Burberry trimmed abaya (hysterically funny).

mutleythedog said...

How about murdering small foriegn people while dressed as a woman? Is that an K idea?

I shall give it a try!

Scottsdale Girl said...

*whew* so happy I am a hot blonde (mostly) chick right now.

marky said...

You rock Smack. I think you and Old Knudsen should have a Battle of Blogs. You know, just flog the shit out of everything for a week. Flogging Bloggers.

Mister Underhill said...

I've always been more of a spree killer, my own self.

qofd said...

Oooh! Can we add "Yuppies who only communicate in corporate speak" to that list? Please?

willis said...

I can't be the killer dude. I can't stand blood and bleeding people. It's weird, I can watch chainsaw murders, Private Ryan, and even Miracle on 34th street, but I faint when I or anyone else in my vacinity gets a shot or has blood drawn. However, I'm all over helping with the victims list in the interest of "culling the herd". I'd like to add;

Salesmen that target my mom with crap nobody needs. Particularly my 84 year old Mom. If she wants something, she can have it but she should be given the opportunity to "want it" on her own Vs some jackal telling her she needs it!

willis said...

"Telemarketers" willis! "Telemarketers"!.....ok I see it. It's only #1 on the fuckin list!

Disregard all after "hello".

Creepy said...

Thankless job? Serial killers get mad groupies. Richard Ramirez married one of the jurors from his trial even after she heard/saw all the grisly details and voted him guilty.

ladyb said...

I think I'm a little bit in love with you.

Genius.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

why can you only not kill blonde chics? what about us brown haired chics? and what about captains who are evil captains...evil ship captains, i've seen titanic you know

MsPuddin said...

OK captain, where are you hiding all the dead bodies wearing t-shirts that say, “I was murdered by captain smack and all I got was this lousy tshirt?”

Can we add some people to that list? Like literally people who come into my job and ask me if I work there, when I clearly am wearing my uniform. Or people who get drunk and expect me to baby-sit. Lindsay Lohan? Tila Tequila?

~Miss Smack said...

oh creeeeeeeeeeepy, i love that that you knew that ick fact about Ramirez. I think one of my favourites is Albert Fish. He used to eat children UGH and then whip himself. Freeeeeeeeeak !

Hello Captain Smack. How are you?

Captain Smack said...

Hey, y'all:

I'll be back after November 4th. I'm going on vacation for a week, and will be at a beach house with no internet. Take care.

UBERMOUTH said...

That's captain lingo for 'jail' but you didn't hear that from me!

UBERMOUTH said...

Just Kidding.But didn't he go on a 'beach vacation' recently?

Dennis said...

Not Guantanamo again, surely. I thought you convinced them last time.

Bock the Robber said...

I like that Russian guy. The Cheeseboard Killer.

M@ said...

I bet it wouldn't be that hard to "assassinate" Rick Sanchez of CNN. Just sayin'. He could be a bit less schmaltzy.

Steph said...

Well thank God i just read this post. I was about to dye my hair brown.

P.S do i have to actually kill someone to get the t-shirt? Can I not just....borrow the t-shirt for a while to scare a few beeyotchs?

jali said...

I.A.L.N.L.O.L

or

R.D.M.M.L.O.L


heh-heh (look below)







I am literally not laughing out loud.

Really didn't make me laugh out loud.

Marcheline said...

Have you seen "Perfume: The Story of a Murderer"?

You should.


- M

neko said...

i think hot chicks of any haircolour should be off the list.

and auditors, on the list.

but, i spose it's no fun if the victims actually WANT to die...

Madam Z said...

Okay, Cappy. You've been home for a whole day now, and still no new post. Granted, your ardent fans keep commenting, three weeks after you put this last beauty up. But how long do you think our gnat-like attention spans can last? Hm? Oh look! There's a squirrel!

Zoning Out Again said...

There are too many comments to check here, but did anyone mention offing those idiots LiLo, Paris and who's the other skank....uh, oh yeah duh... Brittney Spears! Morons! So what if they're Blond! They should get it and get it good!

I love the T-shirt idea too! I spilled coffee on my crotch with that one! You're lucky I've been nursing it for the past 2 hours otherwise I would have sued! :0)
No my coffee mug doesn't have boobies on it.
(Your Photoshop skills are amazing by the way!)
Miss you!

Kyle said...

Add to the list people who tell you that the music you listen to is garbage. Music Nazis.

Nice post.

GT said...

Captain, did you murder someone?

Its ok to come back, even if you did

EmmaK said...

With the greatest respect Captain, you need to pull your finger out from wherever it is lodged and type your next post. I have been shut in the house for days now and do not intend to leave until you post again.
An obsessive fan
xxxx

Madam Z said...

Yeah! What emmak said!

Zoning Out Again said...

WHERE ARE YOU???????
You know how grumpy I get when you take over a week to answer my comment!!!

Maddy said...

Personally I think that serial killers predominate in the States. This of course, as we all know, is because America is the only country with big enough fridges to keep all the body parts.
Cheers

Zoning Out Again said...

Yea Uber, I'm starting to think your right about the 'Jail' thing!
HELLOOOOOOOOO!!! It's after November 4th...like 12 days ago!

mutleythedog said...

Did you get arrested again Captain S? Do you need a lawyer? Do you have the telephone number gave you? Halloo...!!

Madam Z said...

I fear that we must face the possiblility that the Captain's crew staged a mutiny, and forced him to walk the plank. He is now 20 leagues under the sea, sleeping with the fishes (or maybe in a diving bell, trying to figure out how to hump a mermaid). Those of us who knew and loved him must go on with our lives and acknowledge that we will never again be as joyfully entertained by any other blogger in all the seven seas.

UBERMOUTH said...

I think a serial killer killed our captain!

UBERMOUTH said...

I CAN'T LIVE without MY Captain!
PLUS he still owes me a NARDO- although, I can't recall why!

Zoning Out Again said...

What's a NARDO?

Captain Smack said...

Wow, I kind of let the comments pile up didn't I?

Hmmm.

You know, answering them seems like a lot of work. I think I'll just skip it for now. Besides, I really need to take a shower. And a nap, maybe. I'll take a shower and a nap, and then see how I feel.

Zoning Out Again said...

Well?

mutleythedog said...

28 days is not long inside - what did you do? Which way did you plead?

unique_stephen said...

Is it OK to use "literally" when you say:

Metamucil is good shit, literally.

Ms Smack said...

Just skip them and write a come-back post in the festive season!

xx

Dusik said...

(i once worked as a telemarketer for a few months. it was the only job i could find. but there is no need to waste serial killers' efforts on us-tele-marker-ters, because most of us are ready to kill ourselves anyways :)) no need to waste, no need..)

please add to the list idiots who don't listen when somebody tries to help them. really annoying

Anonymous said...

I literally want to smack the "Captain".

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james mitchell said...

And kill black politishons no James's

About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.