The Flaming Moth of Redemption

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Generally speaking, society seems to take a rather negative view of serial killers. This seems counter-productive. Everyone is always complaining about overpopulation, traffic jams, and long lines – yet whenever someone actually tries to do something about it, people insist they be locked away. It almost makes you wonder why serial killers even bother in the first place.

It really is a thankless job – and not the easiest one in the world, either – yet they do it for free. Not only do these volunteer workers not get paid for their efforts, they often have to cover some of the expenses (knives, rope, shovels, night-vision goggles, etc.) out of their own pockets. That's how dedicated they are.

I think one of the reasons they don't get much public support is because of the brutal nature of their work. Most modern people eat various animals all day long, yet have never killed anything bigger than a cockroach. They just don't have the stomach for all the violence and blood involved.

What I find interesting about serial killers is the creativity they display in their work. These people are artists. With the exception of copycat killers (goddamn posers), they can be pretty original. Each one's got their own style, their own special gimmick, their own unique way of making their statement.

For example, one guy might like to strangle his victims with a garden hose, and then put little pieces of broken mirror on their faces. What does it mean? What is he trying to say? Is he saying that, as a society, our victims “reflect” a broken system? Interesting. Another guy might do something completely different. Like his thing might be to knock off a married couple, then use their heads as bookends. What statement is he trying to make? Is he saying that no matter how close we become, words will always separate us? I don't know, but you have to admit, these guys are pretty deep.

Not the funniest bunch in the world, though.

And that's one of the things I think is missing in serial killing: humor. People would be a lot more accepting of killers if they made an effort to lighten things up a little. Writing “I Am the Flaming Moth of Redemption!” on the wall in the victim's blood just isn't that funny. Sure, it's weird, but “weird” isn't going to win you any popularity contests.

If anyone reading this is a serial killer – and I'm sure at least one or two of my readers are – I hope you take the following ideas into consideration when planning your next gig. These are just a few ideas, things you could do to improve your image in the public eye.

Make it fun!
First, have some custom t-shirts printed up. Then, each time you kill someone, put them in a t-shirt that says “I got strangled with a gym sock and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.” This would at least give the people at home a chuckle when they show it on the six o'clock news. This is just an example, of course, and you should come up with your own gimmick, something that reflects you as a person.

Here's another example of how you could liven things up. Make a little game out of it, one that everyone could get involved in. For example, you could call yourself The Wheel of Fortune Killer. Leave a little note next to your very first victim, whose name is, say, “Edward”, with a riddle:

A place you'll probably end up:



Then, each time you kill a new person, add another letter. So if you killed a guy named “Sam”, the note would say:

A place you'll probably end up:



See? Do something like this, and people will actually start looking forward to each new kill. Humans are naturally curious, and will want to know the answer to the riddle. They'll start placing bets at the office, which will make the whole experience more interactive and enjoyable for everyone. Well, almost everyone.

Better victims = better PR
Improving the entertainment value of your work would certainly help with your public image, but the main problem people have with serial killers is the selection of victims. What is it with killing hot blonde chicks? How do you expect society to get on your side if you're going around killing off all the hotties? If you want to score some major brownie points, you should stop killing hot blondes, and start getting rid of some of the people we'd like to see less of anyway. How about Lawyers? Nobody ever kills lawyers. Why not? I don't know about you, but I would feel a lot differently about someone who went around offing lawyers than I would about someone who was reducing our supply of hot blondes.

Another target you might consider is journalists. Serial killers are much like bloggers, in that they enjoy getting attention. If you really want to get in the papers, I think killing journalists would be a good move. And I'm not talking about the Woodward and Bernstein types – I'm talking about these journalists who keep our newspapers packed with stories about Paris Hilton (who is, by the way, an exception to the above “blonde chick” rule). These people would be easy targets, too, as they're always sneaking around, having secret rendezvous in shadowy parking lots with mysterious informants. In fact, you could just call a journalist on the phone and say “I have some juicy information on that guy who's been going around killing journalists... meet me behind the old lighthouse at midnight... and be sure to come alone...”

Man, I would be really good at this.

Another group of people I think a lot of folks wouldn't mind if there were less of are CEOs of major corporations. The mortality rate in this profession is disproportionately low, and, as any Zen Buddhist will tell you, balance is important. It might be a little more challenging, since CEOs are rich and generally have a higher profile than your average college chick, so you might have to plan this one out a little. All you really have to do is figure out their weak spot, their Achilles Heel. This is just a stab in the dark, but I'd bet most of these types are highly motivated by greed. Use it against them. Call them up and tell them you have some juicy insider information. Tell them you know a way that they could double their market share, while simultaneously wiping out an endangered species of turtle. Have them meet you behind the old lighthouse at midnight...

And since we're brainstorming on who would make good victims, let me just plant a few seeds:

• Telemarketers


• Televangelist


• “Nu-rock” bands


• Pedophiles*


• Ku Klux Klan members


• Advertising executives


• Record company executives


• Guys who wear their collars turned up


• Radio station DJs who try to be funny


• People who take forever to back out of parking spots


• Anyone involved in the production or promotion of any reality show


• People who use the word “literally” to denote something that is actually figurative, as in “I literally died laughing” or “she literally exploded with anger”, etc. I know that sounds picky, but it really bugs me, and lately I've noticed people doing it a lot, and it needs to stop.


• Green Day

* excluding hot female teachers who have sex with their 14 year old male students. For god's sake, don't kill these people, they should be given medals.