Today I went out for coffee. One minute I'm relaxing, enjoying an Iced Latte, and the next minute I'm on the floor, regaining consciousness, with a carrot up my ass. And you know what that means! (Well, you probably don't, but you can find out here).
That's right – it's time for another enlightening episode of:
The Future!Brought to you by Cheapass Vodka TM
Life is short. Drink Hard.
The End Is Cumming
A giant meteor will suddenly be spotted heading towards Earth, and it will be announced that all of us have only have 72 hours to live. Millions of people will copulate in the streets with many different partners, and no one will bother to wear protection. It will be like Woodstock, but less hairy. In the final hour, however, the meteor will inexplicably disintegrate, leaving the Earth completely unharmed. The pregnancy and venereal disease rates will skyrocket to 80 times the norm, leaving many people with somewhat mixed feelings about the whole thing.
The Lady And The Tramp
A Constitutional loophole will be discovered which will allow Bill Clinton to run for President a third time, pitting him against his wife, Hillary. The Presidential debate between the couple will only be televised on pay-per-view and will cost a whopping $499 to view, yet will be the most highly watched program ever aired.
Nothing Like The Real Thing, Baby
Sex toys will become so advanced and life-like that they will start asking you why you were out so late, who you were with, and what you were doing. They will need almost constant reassurance that you still find them attractive, and will frequently accuse you of "acting weird" and "wanting a new sex toy". Eventually they will start causing pregnancies, and special condoms will need to be used.
I Want To Fry Like An Eagle
While making his annual Earth Day speech from the backyard of his ranch home, President George W Bush will suddenly be attacked by a large American eagle. For the President's safety, the secret service will not shoot the Eagle, but instead will subdue it with tasers. The bird will then be tried and convicted in Texas, where it will receive the death penalty.
I Want A New Drug. Or Two.
Two new drugs will simultaneously hit the streets. The first drug will cause people to be nice to each other, dance all night, and listen to music in a whole new way. The other drug will cause people to commit date rape, beat their kids, and run over other people with their cars. One of these drugs will be made legal and easily obtainable, while the other will get you 3 to 5 years in prison.
Michael Jackson will be caught having sexual intercourse with an adult human female.
I'm just telling you what I saw.
Just A Reminder...
You and everyone you know will die, be buried, and then slowly rot away in the ground, as worms wiggle around in the remains of your putrid flesh. Eventually you will be completely forgotten, and it will be as if your life had never even happened at all. (That wasn't one of my visions, I just like bumming people out every once in a while.)