Thursday, August 16, 2007

In The Future: Episode Two

We are SO fucked...


Today I went out for coffee. One minute I'm relaxing, enjoying an Iced Latte, and the next minute I'm on the floor, regaining consciousness, with a carrot up my ass. And you know what that means! (Well, you probably don't, but you can find out here).
That's right – it's time for another enlightening episode of:


The Future!

Brought to you by Cheapass Vodka TM
Life is short. Drink Hard.


The End Is Cumming
A giant meteor will suddenly be spotted heading towards Earth, and it will be announced that all of us have only have 72 hours to live. Millions of people will copulate in the streets with many different partners, and no one will bother to wear protection. It will be like Woodstock, but less hairy. In the final hour, however, the meteor will inexplicably disintegrate, leaving the Earth completely unharmed. The pregnancy and venereal disease rates will skyrocket to 80 times the norm, leaving many people with somewhat mixed feelings about the whole thing.

The Lady And The Tramp
A Constitutional loophole will be discovered which will allow Bill Clinton to run for President a third time, pitting him against his wife, Hillary. The Presidential debate between the couple will only be televised on pay-per-view and will cost a whopping $499 to view, yet will be the most highly watched program ever aired.

Nothing Like The Real Thing, Baby
Sex toys will become so advanced and life-like that they will start asking you why you were out so late, who you were with, and what you were doing. They will need almost constant reassurance that you still find them attractive, and will frequently accuse you of "acting weird" and "wanting a new sex toy". Eventually they will start causing pregnancies, and special condoms will need to be used.

I Want To Fry Like An Eagle
While making his annual Earth Day speech from the backyard of his ranch home, President George W Bush will suddenly be attacked by a large American eagle. For the President's safety, the secret service will not shoot the Eagle, but instead will subdue it with tasers. The bird will then be tried and convicted in Texas, where it will receive the death penalty.

I Want A New Drug. Or Two.
Two new drugs will simultaneously hit the streets. The first drug will cause people to be nice to each other, dance all night, and listen to music in a whole new way. The other drug will cause people to commit date rape, beat their kids, and run over other people with their cars. One of these drugs will be made legal and easily obtainable, while the other will get you 3 to 5 years in prison.

Michael Jackson will be caught having sexual intercourse with an adult human female.
I'm just telling you what I saw.

Just A Reminder...
You and everyone you know will die, be buried, and then slowly rot away in the ground, as worms wiggle around in the remains of your putrid flesh. Eventually you will be completely forgotten, and it will be as if your life had never even happened at all. (That wasn't one of my visions, I just like bumming people out every once in a while.)

41 comments:

Old Knudsen said...

Still no flying cars I see. I don't think Michael Jackson needs to be having sex with anyone, was it his sister or his grown up kid or something cos that would make sense.

Josh said...

Wow, I really want your gift.

The number of times I have woken up praying for a carrot up my arse only to be let down by the vacant reality.

The drugs sound a lot like current market items and also depending on how far into the future you went it could have just been a GM Mr Bubbles that Michael was playing with.

Now I have to run and tell some hot chicks about the meteor to get that party started!

morbid misanthrope said...

Cheapass Vodka? Are they still around? I used to drink that stuff when I was a kid. When I got a little older, around 13 or so, I moved up to Cheapass Whiskey. I think their slogan back then was "Drink up, unless you're some kind of gay faggot." I think they stole that slogan from my dad.

Anyway, your visions of the future are interesting. You're like a less-wimpy Edgar Cayce; although, the carrot up your ass, no matter what it represents, is a bit odd. I think Cayce just used his finger—he often spoke to aliens, so I’m pretty sure he mutated his finger to look all long and creepy like ET’s. Alien channelers always end up sticking things in their ass. It’s like a universal rule or something. That’s why I get all of my information from Bigfoot (he hates all that touchy-feely alien butt stuff).

By the way, Jimmy Carter is a cyborg, the earth will be destroyed by a meteor (launched by God’s uptight older brother, Jerry)because people are being too promiscuous, and the Clintons are both Reptilian aliens and will end up ruling the planet together so they can feast endlessly on earth babies—chubby, hairless earth babies. At least, according to Bigfoot.

jungle jane said...

Perhaps you can you go around collecting all those used special condoms and start selling them as chewing gum to the kids taking your new dance drugs in night clubs? stop them chewing their cheeks, and pulling those fucking ugly come-down faces, eh?

phishez_rule said...

I want one of those toys. How long do I have to wait for that one?

Captain Smack said...

Old Knudsen:
It seemed implausible to me too. Maybe it's a sign of the Apocalypse.


Josh:
Perhaps I was looking in on a distant future where everyone looks like Michael Jackson.


Morbid:
"like a less-wimpy Edgar Cayce"

That's totally going on my resume. Can I use you as a reference?


Jane:
The ugly come-down faces help with population control.


Phishez:
Ah, so your a masochist then.

Miss Smack said...

Yeh, um, that whole sex toy thing isn't funny dude. I will not have my sex toy coming home smellin' like some whore, leaving the seat up and drinking out of the juice carton.

No freakin' way.

If I wanted that, I'd get married.

J~ said...

Cappy,
In your futuristic opinion what would be the best city to be in during the sextastrophe?
also, you may want to reconsider where you buy your iced lattes.

Zoning Out Again said...

So what are you going to do with that carrot?

The Boob Lady said...

I love you.

Buffalo said...

Just for the record, I shall be cremated. My ashes will then be sent to Massengil where they will be placed in a vat of said company's finest douche formula.

Cunning Linguist said...

yeah..... it's all fun and games until somebody comes crawling out from an alleyway sobbing with their pants around their ankles. Not a gift I envy you my dear friend. Not at all.

-eve- said...

> I Want A New Drug. Or Two.
> Nothing Like The Real Thing, Baby
The content under these 2 headings was perfect. Unbeatable. Loved 'em. :-)

Erica AP said...

Have you run these projections past Jesus and Elvis? Don't you think that Jesus would have something to say about you predicting the future when he and his father are the only ones that have real control over it?? And I'm sure Elvis would have something to say too because he's kind of an egomaniac...

Jo said...

Everyone will copulate on the streets with many different partners?

Pfft. That's not the future. That's Sydney.

Kitty said...

hey me and the boob lady both love you Captain. love needs to be expressed as often as possible, it keeps the world a good place. how could we express this deep, yearning love for you? there is so much to be conveyed and such little time. perhaps we'd need to consider doing it at the same time.

any ideas or suggestions?

unique_stephen said...

Ah, Daniel 8:14

Did you see what happened to the Pentecostals and Mormons, hopefully they got sucked up into the sky by the comet's backwash or something - can't abide them myself.

I wouldn't want all those Millerites to be greatly disappointed again.

UBERMOUTH said...

Smackers- Did you get a chance to see what my personal future holds? A true friend would have looked for me and the let me know if I need bother getting out of bed for the next decade.
I shall never look at another caqrrot the same way.( How big was it btw?)
Loved this post! Where are Jesus ad Elvis though.....on vacation?

UBERMOUTH said...

A thousand thank you's for my face.:)

Captain Smack said...

Miss Smack:
I know, it sucks. You might have to go back to using your own hands, like some cave woman. How primitive.


J~:
According to Jo, you can get that kind of action in Sydney right now. As for the café, they make a killer iced latte. It's worth an occasional carrot-up-the-ass.


Zoning:
I don't know if that carrot is what you're looking for, Zoning. I get the feeling it doesn't swing that way.


Boobs:
Ok, ok, I love you too, now take your clothes off.


Buffalo:
Your obituary could say: "In life, Buffalo was a kind and generous man, with strong values and the courage to express those values. In death, however, the guy was total douche"

Ba-dum PAH!


Cunning Linguist:
Indeed, it is a gift with a heavy price. Sometimes serving humanity can be a real pain in the ass.

Ba-dum PAH!

I'm on a roll! Take my wife, please!


Eve:
Ah, a pragmatist. You like the one's that are the most realistic. One of them's already happened, and the other is almost certain to come about eventually.


Erica:
I haven't mentioned this to either of them. Jesus does get a little territorial when it comes to prophesizing, and I just know Elvis would never stop teasing me about the carrot bit.


Jo:
Why does this not surprise me. I'm going to have to visit that place, as soon as I get all my shots.


Kitty:
Ladies, ladies, please - there's plenty of Captain to go around (God, I've always wanted to say that).

Actually, I have a book around here somewhere that illustrates different ways for people to show their love (it's got pictures and everything), and there's an entire section dedicated to situations just like this.


unique_stephen:
I assume a Millerite is someone who lives in a trailer and drinks cheap beer? I've known a few of those, but didn't know they were mentioned in the bible...


UBERMOUTH:
Sorry, babe - I have no control over what the secret midget shows me during my seizures. And, yes, Jesus and Elvis are on vacation (Jesus is into surfing).

morbid misanthrope said...

Sure, Cap’m. Feel free to use me as a reference; however, I feel I should warn you that I’ve made a lot of enemies in and around the so-called Bible Belt. While I think it’s hilarious, whip-snapping the heads off of serpents at snake-handling churches is hardly considered comedy by the residents of some areas. I’ve also written a lot of bad checks, i.e., various wrappers and napkins covered with crudely drawn skulls, signed “Deez Nuts.” Oh yeah, and there’s a widely known incident involving me rooting around in the dumpster behind an abortion clinic in Las Vegas. It was totally a misunderstanding, but you’d never know that from the way it was reported. Anyway, you can use me as a reference, but it might harm you rather than help you. Just saying.

Kitty said...

please find the book.

unique_stephen said...

Here you go Capin'

Jo said...

I'll put the kettle on.

And a plate o' carrots.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You eat the worms and then they eat you. It's the circle of life.

jungle jane said...

I feel obliged to say 'i love you' too, Smack but both you and me know its just dirty lust so i won't bother. Besides, i am only capable of loving cheesecake. And zucchini.

Captain Smack said...

Morbid:
Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I should list someone else as a reference. Ozzy Osbourne mentioned that he'd do it, so I think I'll just go with him (he is still alive, right?)


Kitty:
I'm sure I'll find it, but some of the pages may be stuck together.


unique_stephen:
Very interesting and informative. I've had similar experiences myself.


Jo:
If it's like you say, I may not make it far past the airport.


GB:
So our purpose on the planet is to swap protein. It all makes sense now.


Jane:
We are so alike. You weren't adopted, were you?

Kitty said...

Hurry up now Captain, I'm getting chilly just lying here

Prunella Jones said...

Whoa, what's up with all the psychic visions going around lately? I too, had one just the other night while I was watching the Sci-Fi channel. Everything got blurry and I was suddenly imbued with the terrible knowledge that tofu was made out of people. Well, the voice actually said soylent green but luckily I was able to make the connection, soy = tofu. Dammit! I had just bought a new pint of Tofutti too.

Captain Smack said...

Kitty:
I'm coming, I'm coming
(wow, that was quick)

Pru:
Wait - so you mean all those lesbians I used to hang out with were actually cannibals?

Steph said...

That was all truly believable till you got to the Michael Jackson bit. You lost me there.

Captain Smack said...

I almost didn't report that vision, just for that reason. Some things are simply too weird to accept.

UBERMOUTH said...

I thought this was a respectable Christian site!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Man, I think somebody slipped me that second drug once and then tried to date rape me but ended up under my tires.

Captain Smack said...

UBERMOUTH:
Fuck yeah, it is.


Queen of Dysfunction:
Haha! Well, I guess it worked itself out, then. Or, to quote Homer Simpson: "Beer - The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

Bock the Robber said...

I can believe all of it except the eagle attacking Mr Bush. Surely not.

Is this man not the most beloved Leader you have ever had? I think you'll find he is.

Captain Smack said...

Perhaps the eagle was actually trying to give George a pat on the head, and the Secret Service just overreacted.

Miller said...

Didn't Michael Jackson have sex with Elvis Presly's daughter?

Captain Smack said...

Miller:
We try not to mention that around here. Kind of a touchy subject.

marcus said...

so do they eat the eagle after they fry it?

Captain Smack said...

Of course not. They donate it to charity. They're not monsters.

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.