Sunday, June 10, 2007

Ask Not What Your Captain Can Do For You...

A Special Message to YOU from The Captain

Why, hello there, [your name here]. I'm so glad you dropped by!

Say... have I ever told you that you are my favorite reader? Oh yes, it's true. I mean, don't get me wrong - all these other people who come by, they're great and all... but it's your visit I look forward to the most. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that you and I are "friends". We really do have something special, you and I. I get a nice, warm feeling when I think about it. Don't you? Of course you do, because you know how much I care about you. There, I've said it: The Captain cares about you.

By the way, I have to say - you look spectacular! And I sincerely mean that, [your name here] - you look like a million bucks. I don't know what it is you're doing, but keep up the good work. Why, I bet you have to fight off the [men/women] with a stick! And, hey - are your [boobs/muscles] getting bigger? Well, they certainly look like they are. Someone should give you an award for those. Very impressive.

Hey, speaking of awards, that reminds me... did you know that there's some silly "blog awards" thing going on right now? Yes, it's true. And it seems that my post “Special Edition: How to Start Your Own Religion” is up for “Best Post Ever”. Ain't that something?

To tell you the truth, it's actually a little embarrassing. You know, I'm not the kind of person who seeks "attention" or "recognition" or anything like that. No, to me it's all about friendship. Like the kind you and I share. God, I feel so fucking warm and fuzzy right now.

By the way, can I get you anything? Would you like a drink? How about a foot massage? I've been told I give one hell of a foot massage! Well, you just let me know, I am at your service. Whatever you want. Oh, you want to hear more about these Blog Awards? Well, ok - since you asked...

See, I wrote this guide to starting your own religion. If you haven't already read it, then check it out. It outlines many of the same methods and techniques used by world famous cults such as The Dividians, Heaven's Gate, and The People's Temple in Jonestown. And yes, I know - all of those people ended up committing suicide in the end. Well, I didn't say the guide was perfect. But it's still a pretty good read. You can read it here:

Anyway, it's up for “Best Post Ever”. If you felt like casting a vote in that poll, just go here:

You can vote every day, by the way. Oh, and the voting ends on Wednesday, June 13th, at 19:00. London time. In case you were wondering.

And since we're on the subject, my blog was also nominated for “Most Consistently Entertaining Blog”, category 16. Interesting, huh?

Now, then – how about that foot massage?


Anonymous said...


Geez Smack, I'm feeling all warm 'n gooshy now.. glad you like my little visits here. I shall visit more often now. =)

*totters off to vote for the Captn'*

sally in norfolk said...

AS we are such good friends..I voted for you. Hope you can do the same for me

Freya Speaks said...

This is why you are the BLOG MASTER!This post could win Best Post of All Time in it's own right!
I know you like all your readers but you LOVE me right?
Lemme finger is hovering over the vote button now.........

Ms Smack said...

My feet are kinda ticklish so I'll pass on the massage but I'm voting, all the same.

Freya Speaks said...

For herself!

Helen said...

Gold, blogging gold... or maybe salt, it's pretty valuable too... or guano--hey we gotta get saltpeter somewhere...or--

**votes for the Cap'n while still muttering and looking up vacuously**

Erica AP said...

Not to be a jerk or anything but how often do they do these awards... Like maybe once a year? So if you win you are really only the "best post ever for this year"... Right? I'm sorry - I'm a realist not an idealist. Will you still call me sweetheart?

Captain Smack said...

I feel warm and gooshy too. Well, not so much gooshy as sticky, but I guess I don't need to get into all that. Thanks!

Sally, of course, my good, good friend! It seems that you are doing pretty well yourself, by the way. Very nice.

Who the hell's "Freya", and where did you come from? You kind of remind me of someone, though... hmmm...

Ms Smack:
What??? You're passing up a foot massage from The Captain? As Jewels said: "I'm the foot-fucking-master. Got my technique down, don't be tickling of nothing."
But alright then, have it your way.

Alright, now, let's keep it civil... you don't want to have to wear a funny hat, do you?
(just kidding, please don't smite me)

Saltpeter? Don't even say that, Helen! That stuff's like Kryptonite to me. Well, part of me, anyway.

Gee, thanks, Sweetheart. I bet you like telling kids there really is no Santa Claus either.

Erica AP said...

If you keep calling me sweetheart, I'll tell the kids whatever you want me too. :)

fingers said...

Talk is cheap.
So are you.
I don't need platitudes to win me over; if you can't afford to buy my vote, I'll find someone who can...

Shelly Rayedeane said...

No foot massages necessary, as I am insecure about my little dinky feet. I would like a good ass kisser though. Pucker up Smackers.
I just voted and I'm feeling frisky!!!!

Zoning Out Again said...

:0) Thank you so much! I was waiting for you to write a post directly to me!!!! But hey man, I thought you said foot massage! Why are you're hands on my breastes-es?
No matter! I'm clicking over to vote now and everyday on!!!

mist1 said...

Thanks for noticing my boobs. I guess that bottle of GroBust is working.

I can't help but notice that you didn't say anything about my eyelashes. I always thought that my eyelashes were what first attracted you to me.

Also, I love it when you call me insert your name here. That's so sweet. Whisper it to me again.

lulu said...

If you massage my feet, I'll pretty much do anything, and yes my breasts are pretty spectacular, you must have been looking through my archives; I haven't posted pictures of them in a while.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I haven't read other the nominated posts, but I took your word that yours was the best and voted for you. I trust you that much, man.

freyaspeaks said...

I all ready wear a funny hat - one of those Rastifarean ones with Dolce and Gabanna sunglasses, of course!
Be Haappy........:)

Captain Smack said...

Well, ok then - that must be like the magic word then, huh?

"Talk is cheap. So are you."

Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber and you're glue. (oh, snap)

Oh, hell - now your TALKING! Shoulda' known you were all freaky like that...

Feet, breasts, I always confuse those. Must be why they kicked me out of massage school.

'Tis true, O lovely maiden, I did not utter a solitary syllable of those splendid lashes... for mere words, whether composed by the likes of me, or even Shakespeare himself, could never do them justice, [your name here].

Well, I haven't gone through your archives yet, but I am sure to now. Thanks for the heads-up.

Gorilla Bananas:
I appreciate you confidence in me, GB. You can always trust a man with an authoritative hat.

Hey, mon - nothin funny about da rasta hat. Though I am having a hard time picturing that for some reason...

Miss B said...

Oh Captain, for a foot massage and calling me < insert name here > I would follow you anywhere...

jali said...

Thanks for noticing my new look. It feels great to be singled out so of course I voted for you.

Malathionman said...

Yes, my boobs are bigger.

What's with all those UK entries? USA all the way!

Old Knudsen said...

you don't like attention? thats my votes wasted then, why do I bother? prepare for stardom lad.

Not many funny Yanks around and I know funny, I'm a clown fish.

jungle jane said...

Yo dude...have you seen Elvis? I'm totally hoping he's still got some of that weed i left at his place last week...

Kyle said...

Jesus called, he says he's awfully upset about the greatest Blog ever, how to start your religion, but he's quite sure, when he restructures christianity, it will be used as a guideline.


morbid misanthrope said...

I am writing to inform you that you have my vote; however, if you do win, I'll have to start calling you a "goddamn sellout" in long diatribes about how I liked your blog before it got popular and all the posers knew about it.

Manuel said...

I voted early and voted often, as we say/do in the North of Ireland...

Zoning Out Again said...

Hey morbid, who you callin a poser?
There's plenty of Captain to go around man!!!!

Fatman said...

Well, I do have a foot for you to massage. It's not mine though. I just found it the other day while my friends and I were digging up graves to collect gold teeth from corpses. If you massage THAT, Hell, I'd vote for you.

Rosanna said...

I shall vote, but I wont be displaying or touching ANY feet.

kiki said...

clearly, organisers of this event haven't read my archives...

shameless self promotion will get you nowhere, but you have my vote.
it's now just a question of whether or not i can be bothered voting

Captain Smack said...

Miss B:
Good choice, it really is worth it, I do each toe individually, very thorough.

How could I not notice your new look, it's stunning!

I don't know how I fell in with all these Brits.

Prepare for stardom? I hope that doesn't mean I have to get a haircut.

I think you can probably kiss that weed goodbye, jj.

You hang out with Him to? That guy really gets around.

Captain Smack said...

It's always been a dream of mine to sell out. I've tried it many times, but no one was buying.

I like that approach, and it seems to be the same all over the world.

Better be careful messing with Mr M, that guy's CRAZY.

No problem. Severed feet are actually easier to massage, and if there's only one, all the better.

Well, ok, but you don't know what you're missing...

Self promotion? Me? I was just mentioning the awards, 'cause, you know... it just crossed my mind... just kind of came up in conversation...

Ms Smack said...

ha, misanthrope! Sounds like a whole heap of bands I know/knew.. oops.

ariel said...

I feel very special. thank you!

Freya Speaks said...

NIce to see everyone voting for your captain of this love all get off your fat asses and vote again!Lose 10 calories! :)

Prunella Jones said...

I just went and read all the entries and yours was really good. But I have to say that I voted for you mostly because you're hot. I have a thing for guys who look like Jesus. Something about the beard and long hair make me burn in my holiest of holies.

Prunella Jones said...

Oh yeah, I just remembered why they make me burn. Bastard Jesus look alikes! It took weeks for that infection to clear up! Oh well, too late, I've already voted for you.

EmmaK said...

I feel warm and fuzzy towards you too. Just give me the foot massage and a few glasses of Scotch and play me some Astrud Gilberto and then maybe just maybe I've vote for you in your thingamigig poll.

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack:
Oh, ok, well you were talking to Misanthrope. So I guess I don't really need to respond then. So ok, nevermind. Just ignore this.

You ARE very special. And I mean the good kind of special, too, not the other kind.

Yes, voting for the Captain burns calories! I should've thought of that angle myself. That's why you're the agent.

That wasn't me, must've one of the other Jesus-looking guys. It couldn't have been me, as I shower every week now.

Foot massage, check. Scotch, check. Astrud Gilsomething, er... I don't know what that is, but I have a Dead Milkmen CD around here somewhere, will that do?

Zoning Out Again said...

Prunella, you're hilarious!

Captain, you are hot!
I got in a lot of trouble the other night because my husband woke me up all pissed off saying that I kept mumbling your name in my sleep.
"Oh Captain Smack me! Smack me!".
Then he smacked me and said who the hell is this Captain?
I didn't breakdown though! You'd be proud. :0)

Zoning Out Again said...

Prunella, you're hilarious!

Captain, you are hot!
I got in a lot of trouble the other night because my husband woke me up all pissed off saying that I kept mumbling your name in my sleep.
"Oh Captain Smack me! Smack me!".
Then he smacked me and said who the hell is this Captain?
I didn't breakdown though! You'd be proud. :0)

Freya Speaks said...

Capitalizing on the echo we have going on here.............nominations in the Bloggy awards close tonight( BWednesday the 13th) at 19:00 British time,so cast your last vote again in category 19 Best Post Of All Time ......."How To Start Your Own Religion"
Vote for our beloved Captain, AGAIN!!! NOW!!!

Helen said...

You're up, Cap'n, and I even voted on the computers at the library when I went in to get my books, I didn't try all of them, though, but that may up your vote tally if someone has the time to do that...

Captain Smack said...

Why, thank you, Helen.

Captain Smack said...

Hey, everyone:
looks like 'How to Start Your Own Religion' finished in first place! Wow.

Thanks, y'all, I really appreciate all the votes. I guess I have a lot of foot rubs to give now.

(not that I care about these silly awards or anything, you know...)

Zoning Out Again said...

Now get over here and start a'rubbin!

Captain Smack said...

Huh? What are you talking about? I don't recall saying anything about giving any foot rubs... you must've misunderstood what I said. I blame the media. They always take everything I say out of context.

(wouldn't I make a great politician?)

Ms Smack said...

Congratulations Captain Smack on taking out what, I think, is the best award of the blogpowers - Best Post! Is there a higher accolade? I think not!


ps. thanks for your support with my category.

Todd said...

I try to vote with my heart, but I always end up voting with my penis. Literally.

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack:
Well, congrats to you too, Ms Smack! I don't know if there is a more distinct honor or not - I was hoping to win "Blog Most Likely to Experiment with Crack", but they didn't have that category. Oh well, maybe next year. Thanks for having my back.

So does that mean that your candidate always wins the erection? Even if they have some stiff competition? You like to participate in the poll? Ok, I'll stop now.

Freya Speaks said...


Freya Speaks said...

speech! speech! speech!
*clap,clap,clap,clap *( you gave me clap)
Never trust a writer.

The Boob Lady said...

You rock my socks.

Captain Smack said...

I swear, that wasn't me. I got a shot that cleared that up. And yes, the speech is ready now.

Boob Lady:
You rock my underwear.

The Boob Lady said...

I'd like to.

Zoning Out Again said...

Bunch of sickos! :0)

Herryponting said...

Thanks sweetheart for nice late here but i am so happy to find this site.
Really nice really

About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.