Why, hello there, [your name here]. I'm so glad you dropped by!
Say... have I ever told you that you are my favorite reader? Oh yes, it's true. I mean, don't get me wrong - all these other people who come by, they're great and all... but it's your visit I look forward to the most. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that you and I are "friends". We really do have something special, you and I. I get a nice, warm feeling when I think about it. Don't you? Of course you do, because you know how much I care about you. There, I've said it: The Captain cares about you.
By the way, I have to say - you look spectacular! And I sincerely mean that, [your name here] - you look like a million bucks. I don't know what it is you're doing, but keep up the good work. Why, I bet you have to fight off the [men/women] with a stick! And, hey - are your [boobs/muscles] getting bigger? Well, they certainly look like they are. Someone should give you an award for those. Very impressive.
Hey, speaking of awards, that reminds me... did you know that there's some silly "blog awards" thing going on right now? Yes, it's true. And it seems that my post “Special Edition: How to Start Your Own Religion” is up for “Best Post Ever”. Ain't that something?
To tell you the truth, it's actually a little embarrassing. You know, I'm not the kind of person who seeks "attention" or "recognition" or anything like that. No, to me it's all about friendship. Like the kind you and I share. God, I feel so fucking warm and fuzzy right now.
By the way, can I get you anything? Would you like a drink? How about a foot massage? I've been told I give one hell of a foot massage! Well, you just let me know, I am at your service. Whatever you want. Oh, you want to hear more about these Blog Awards? Well, ok - since you asked...
See, I wrote this guide to starting your own religion. If you haven't already read it, then check it out. It outlines many of the same methods and techniques used by world famous cults such as The Dividians, Heaven's Gate, and The People's Temple in Jonestown. And yes, I know - all of those people ended up committing suicide in the end. Well, I didn't say the guide was perfect. But it's still a pretty good read. You can read it here:
Anyway, it's up for “Best Post Ever”. If you felt like casting a vote in that poll, just go here:
You can vote every day, by the way. Oh, and the voting ends on Wednesday, June 13th, at 19:00. London time. In case you were wondering.
And since we're on the subject, my blog was also nominated for “Most Consistently Entertaining Blog”, category 16. Interesting, huh?
Now, then – how about that foot massage?