Saturday, May 19, 2007

Jesus and Elvis: Jesus Has a Date!

Elvis: So how did you meet this chick anyway?

Jesus: Oh, well we just started talking one day and then I asked her if she'd like to go to dinner sometime. Hey, you think I should wear this robe?

Elvis: Where, though? Where did you meet her?

Jesus: Huh? Oh, well, someone sort of introduced us. We haven't actually met in person yet...

Elvis: Oh, no. Don't tell me...

Jesus: What? Alright, alright – we met online.

Elvis: Oh, say it ain't so, Jesus, say it ain't so!

Jesus: There's nothing wrong with--

Elvis: Man, I could hook you up lickety split. How come you never just let me--

Jesus: I've seen the women you hang out with, Elvis.

Elvis: What? You saying they're ugly?

Jesus: No, they're certainly not ugly... they're just... I don't know. They're just not my type.

Elvis: Yeah, you like those hippie chicks, with the bare feet and the dream-catchers over their beds and all that stuff. Girls who want to go camping all the time. Vegetarians and shit.

Jesus: What's wrong with that?

Elvis: You like those girls who don't shave their armpits and dance around at drum-circles...

Jesus: Have you ever been to a drum circle?

Elvis: You need to let me hook you up, bro. I know some nice looking chicks. So, like, what - did you meet in a chatroom?

Jesus: No, no, nothing like that. I'm not stupid. I met her through a dating service.

Elvis: Yeah? You see her picture?

Jesus: Yes, of course. She's very pretty.

Elvis: Uh-huh. I bet. Does she like horseback riding and long walks on the beach? Does she like cuddling up by a cozy fireplace? She doesn't have a dog, does she?

Jesus: No, she has two cats, I believe.

Elvis: 'Cause I know how you are about dogs.

Jesus: You should try a dating service, Elvis.

Elvis: Huh? Me? What the hell do I need a dating service for? You forget who I am?

Jesus: Yeah I know, but, you know... just to try something different.

Elvis: Yeah, that's ok. So lemme ask you - did you put up a profile? What's your profile say?

Jesus: It's just a standard profile, I don't get too personal or--

Elvis: I bet I know what it says. It says: “Son of God seeks open-minded vegetarian for deep conversation, poetry readings, maybe more. Hairy armpits a plus.”

Jesus: Your hilarious.

Elvis: Hey, I been wondering... how come you never date Christian chicks?

Jesus: I dunno, it just kinda' weirds me out. It's like, how would you like to date an “Elvisite” or “Presleyan” or whatever. Someone who would rather “worship” you than just get to know you, hang out with you?

Elvis: Hell, that'd be alright. That'd be pretty cool. In fact, I have dated chicks like that.

Jesus: Well, it weirds me out.

Elvis: You know what weirds me out?

Jesus: What's that?

Elvis: When I'm nailing some chick, and she suddenly screams out your name.

(Jesus completely cracks up)

Elvis: I'm like “Hey, baby, stop calling out my best friends name! What the hell!”

(Jesus doubles over, can't stop laughing)

Elvis: It used to not bother me, but now it makes me feel all icky. Hey, how'd you like it if your girl was screaming out my name? Huh? They ever do that, by the way? They ever call out my name?

Jesus: ...stop... stop...

Elvis: They do, don't they?

Jesus: Ok... ok... man... that's too much. Ok... whew...

Elvis: You alright?

Jesus: ...yeah... I couldn't breath for a minute there...

Elvis: So, anyway... where y'all going? Where you taking her?

Jesus: I thought we'd hit that Thai place, the Bahn Thai?

Elvis: Oh, yeah. That's a good place. She'll probably like that, they got all those vegetarian dishes.

Jesus: We'll see how it goes.

Elvis: You got a condom?

Jesus: Elvis...

Elvis: Hey, I know it's been awhile. I'm just saying. You never know.

Jesus: So really, you like this robe? Should I wear the blue one?

Elvis: No, the robe's cool, but you ain't gonna wear those sandals are you?

Jesus: You don't like the sandals?

Elvis: They look kinda scruffy. Chicks have a thing about footwear. Even hippie chicks.

Jesus: They are kind of old... I guess I still have time to stop at the mall...

Elvis: Yeah, do that. And get some condoms, too.

Jesus: Elvis...

Elvis: I'm just saying, man. You never know.


jungle jane said...

I'm not sure Jesus should bother with condoms - look what happened to his mum. she was a virgin and still got pregnant. i reckon jesus should go commando and fuck the consequences....

Steph said...

Never mind about the robe, I wanna know what's underneath it. Does Jebus freeball or what?

Anonymous said...

Elvis mostly shagged prepubescents didn't he? I think Our Lord and Saviour wore boxers Steph. Say three Hail Marys and abstain from masturbation for a week

UBER MOUTH said...

Hilarious! Absolutely ingenuis. I live for these Elvis - Jesus talks.

Captain Smack said...

jungle jane:
And pay all that child support? Are you mad?

Steph said:
Now how in the hell would I know that? Are you trying to imply something?

How's she going to keep from masturbating with you talking about Jesus in his boxers?

Thanks, Ube. You still haven't emailed me, y'know. I wanted to send ya something via email (no, not dirty pics), so hit me.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I'm still holding out for a Jesus and Elvis feature-length film. Or at least a cartoon short for "Sick & Twisted".

The Boob Lady said...

Holy Fuck.

I am in stitches.


smrtnhuggble said...

haha.. women can be particular abt foot wear. although, old sandals can be a NO NO, i just hope jesus didnt have the nasty yellow chipping nails kinda toes..
that can be quite a turn off..

Captain Smack said...

Queen of Dysfunction:
Seriously, I need to hook up with an animator who can do squiggle-vision. I totally see these in squiggle-vision. Can't you see them in squiggle-vision? I think I just like saying squiggle-vision.


Boob Lady:
Sweet... and thank you, Boobs!

I believe his toes might be a bit gnarly. Elvis is probably working on getting him to a manacurist...

lulu said...

He's the son of God; I can't believe that the son of God has crusty toenails.

Kyle said...

Who'd of thought Jesus would be a 21st century pimpologist. He's rakin in the ladies.

Helen said...

So here I am waiting for the return of the King, and you oblige...
But I gotta ask, why doesn't Jesus talk in red in your dialogues? That always impressed me as a child... Why red? why not pink or purple or blue, what color do I talk in? What color does Elvis talk in? I'm thinking rhinestoned silver, but doubt if blogger could create that, not for what we're paying them...

UBER MOUTH said...

We HAVE to PAY blogger? No wonder I am stuck wiht the under classes! How much to hang out with the real people?
Smackers- You don't advertise your email addy....

GiggleWorthy said...

That was hilarious. I nearly fell off my chair laughing at the "How would you like it if they screamed your name" part.


Miss B said...

stellar, captain... as always!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Jesus taking a girl to a Thai place? I always suspected he was a Buddhist at heart. I wonder how he'd feel about a girl calling out his dad's name when he was boinking her.

Erica AP said...

I think that Jesus should have his profile picture be the one of him on the toilet because it would not only show his sensitive side, but also that he is an avid reader...

ariel said...

I bet Lennon would love it. he'd make drawings, even!

Captain Smack said...

Well, you know, He walks a lot, and he wears those open-toed sandals...

Oh yeah, he can be a real playa when he wants.

Holy crap, Helen - you're absolutely right! Jesus really should be in red. Thanks for pointing that out.

At first I thought that was a typo, and you were calling me "Daddy"...

What can I say, it's one of those awkward topics that had to come up eventually. Thanks!

Miss B:
What, no winks or hugs today?

G. Bananas:
Yeah, that would be kind of creepy. I imagine he just tunes it out.

Erica AP:
Actually, that's me on the toilet. We look very similar, which is why I always wear the Captain's hat, so people can tell us apart.

But, yeah, he does read a lot. Mostly crime novels these days...

Hmmm... Sorry, Ariel - I didn't get much sleep last night, and am not following you... Lennon would love/make drawings of what?

Beefcake Almighty said...

You should write about the time Elvis passed out from drinking and Jesus teabagged him.

Oh yeah, meant to tell you. It's not the Ol' One-Legged Cincinatti Banana Boat I was referring to. It was the 3-Knuckled Gibbon's Fist of Pleasure.

morbid misanthrope said...

I met Jesus once. He showed up in my room one time when Buddha and Krishna were fighting over a bet they made about me. He wasn't wearing a robe; I think He had on an old Cannibal Corpse tour shirt and jeans. I do know he was wearing one of those hats with the beer holders on it. He seemed pretty cool even though I was pretty drunk. I thought it was weird that he asked if I could validate his parking stub as he was leaving. Maybe he was trying to be funny or something.

Travis said...

I always hd a feeling that Elvis was into really freaky hot goth chicks

Captain Smack said...

Oh, 3-Knuckled Gibbon's Fist of Pleasure. Of course. Well, you can understand my confusion...

morbid misanthrope:
He did the same thing to me at a party one time, and then tried to fuck my girlfriend. He probably would've, too, had she not thrown-up into his beer-hat at just the right moment.

I've never understood how a man could NOT be into that.

Personally, I love goth chicks - partly because they always hang out with goth guys, who are such pussies that there's virtually no competition.

Travis said...

Dude, goth chicks rule because they dress in scantily clad outfits, they're typically covered in tattooos and they have very low self esteem (i know, I used to be goth) but you re correct, best of all: Goth Guys are to dating what Morrisey is to a fist easy target...

fuck, beer is bad for the thingamajigger...I love muppets.

ariel said...

would love the conversation, of course, and would make drawings of it or whatever would come to his mind, he was pretty talented. he got in big trouble after saying something about Jezus in America sounds just so innocent today. that's why he came to my mind. he'd enjoy, and you'd enjoy his drawings.

my English is not very good, don't feel bad when you cannot follow!

Captain Smack said...

Oh... well, uh... ahem, I didn't mean that all goth guys were, um, pussies... heh heh...


Your English is perfect, probably better than mine. I didn't know that Lennon drew.

Funny, that thing he said about Jesus came up in the first Jesus and Elvis post

Rosanna said...

Oh, Elvis and Jesus. I'd LOVE to see that. Especially if they swapped atire.

Captain Smack said...

Jesus in rhinestones? Hmmm...

Ms Smack said...

hehe, hilarious

Madam Z said...

I don't know how I missed this post until now. It is priceless! Do you hear me? Priceless!

"How would you like it if she screamed my name?" Oh my mary, joseph and jebus! You should be getting paid for this stuff. Except it would be hard to determine and amount to pay you, since it's fucking PRICELESS!

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About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.