Tuesday, May 22, 2007

You wait in the shadows, larger than life,
like a Coyote of Mercy.
You can feel your brain changing shape beneath your skull.
You've dreamt of this moment for weeks, maybe months.
And then you see her silhouette in the window...

She doesn't know what she wants.
She doesn't know what she needs.
She doesn't know her own mind.
But she's about to find out...

Your emotions suddenly flare up.
You are The Flaming Moth of Redemption!
It is time.

And when that time comes,
don't just pull out any old kitchen knife...

Reach for the knife the Pros use:

The Forschner Fibrox Butcher Knife!

The 8” double-reinforced stainless steel blade takes much of the work out of hacking your victim up, so that you can actually enjoy yourself for a change. Wouldn't that be nice? And with its three-rivet construction and high carbon steel, you know it will last, murder after bloody murder.

Need to get those stubborn legs off and into the trash bag in a hurry? Then you'll appreciate the Genuine Camber Blade with its precision rocking action, which allows you to quickly dismember that special someone in half the time it would usually take!

Hey, tired of losing your grip in all that slippery blood? Well, our patented Fibrox Super Grip Handles are slip-resistant and completely dishwasher safe!

But wait – there's more!

If you place your order before October 31st, we'll include a FREE Forschner V86 Skinning Knife! This fine 6” precision blade makes removing skin so easy, you'll be wearing your victims around the house in no time!

We know you take your craft seriously - and so do we.

So don't go 'round killing with just any old cutlery – use the knife prefered by masters like Ted Bundy, Jeff Dahmer, and many, many more. No matter how you slice it, slice it with Forschner!

Don't your victims deserve the very best?


Miss B said...

OMFG... so totally not what I expected... i 'bout spit out my sweet tea, Captain... excellent! ;)


mist1 said...

Throw in a bottle of stain remover (I have carpeting) and I'll place my order.

UBER MOUTH said...

Could you please tell me if anyone from my home address has placed an order please?
I have been a bit of a bitch lately.
If not, how much of a discount if I order 10?
I will share God status with you!

Todd said...


We need to register for knives on our wedding registry, these sound perfect!

Andrew The Asshole said...

um yeah somebody should go see a therapist

Captain Smack said...

Miss B:
If you want to hug The Flaming Moth of Redemption, do so at your own risk. HaHA!

I'll just throw in an 8x8 ft sheet of plastic, so you don't have to worry about the carpet. Didn't you see Goodfellas?

Sorry, ma'am, that information is confidential. However, if you're willing to overlook the 8' rule and allow me to smite whomever I want, I'm sure we can work something out.

These make an EXCELLENT wedding present! You know what they say, "Till death do us part."

Andrew The Asshole:
I know, but it's so hard to find a good therapist these days. The last one I had was stringy and tasted like unsalted horse meat.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I get the feeling you're making some kind of point here - other than the one on the blade.

Anonymous said...

Do you have any machetes ? Or a little fish filleter? Or one of thosethings for getting stones out of horses hooves??

Captain Smack said...

You're pretty sharp. And edgy, too.

Machetes are for mindless brutes. We cater to upscale murderers who take pride in their work. You might have better luck finding your fish and horse knives at the local flea market.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, but does it come with a life (sentence)time guarentee?

jungle jane said...

Does the blade retract? so you can use it to pleasure yourself with afterwards?

waygon112 said...

does it come with a protective sheath, or something to protect me from cuting off my own dick when carried in an old overcoat pocket?

Also, do you take credit cards, or just cash? No biggy to me, I have either one from my last victims, I mean from friends.

Erica AP said...

Did you come up with this money making scheme while in your "special place"?

mist1 said...

I don't know. It still sounds like a lot of clean up. Let me know when there's a special on hydrochloric acid. I'll stick with drugging people and dissolving them in the bathtub.

Captain Smack said...

It comes with a limited guarantee, which does not cover acts of God and/or Satan. Or if you accidentally leave it inside one of your victims.

I'm afraid not Jane, but if stabbing someone 50 times is somehow not sexually satisfying enough, then you can just turn the knife around backwards, I suppose.

It ships in a fingerprint-resistant plastic case for no extra charge. And we will take any form of payment, except trophy fingers and toes.

How did you know I have a special place!?? Huh??? Who told you?!! they are always... always trying to invade my special place... my preh-shusss...

Oh, c'mon - dissolving people in the bathtub is so trendy. But the butcher knife, that's classic. That's kicking it old skool.

Erica AP said...

I'm sorry - I can't reveal my sources...

Malathionman said...

Call me "Old School", I still prefer my Ginsu.

Maybe you should try selling a Vacufresh in addition to the knife.

Captain Smack said...

Ok, be that way, then.

Ginsu? Man, that's low-class. Why don't you just use a lawnmower blade? And then eat some busicuits and mustard.

morbid misanthrope said...

To be honest, in my younger days I did use a machete (sometimes I still do--nostalgia and all that). As I matured, so did my taste in killing utensils. Unfortunately, my taste in cutlery always came second to value, and I often ended up using discount katanas ordered from less than reputable catalogs.

I was close to classing up my arsenal with Ron Popeil's knife set or perhaps a small Wusthof set (I like their logo), but after having read this post, I think I'm ready to say, "Make mine Forschner, fella."


AS long as who you wanted to smite wasn't me or Crushed- everyone else is fair game.

Nadim said...

i prefer the good ole butcher's knife! it has menace value no other member in the family of blades n knives has! your knife is too girly! Add some muscle to it.

Captain Smack said...

You got it, my friend. You know, it's heart warming to see an artist, like yourself, investing in his future. I promise, you won't be dissatisfied.

By the way, Morbid - our knife handles come in three different colors: Blond, Brunette and Red Head. Do you have a preference?

I'm already working on a list, Ube. Actually, I'm just updating a list I've been keeping for years. And don't worry - I've already removed Ingsoc's name.

Perhaps you're a little new to the game, and that's ok (we all have to start somewhere, right?) - but the knife being advertised actually is a butcher knife.

Oh, sure, there are many larger butcher knives out there; but don't confuse size with quality. You know what they say: It's not the size of the boat, but how many pieces you cut the fucking bitch into. That's what really counts.

ariel said...

There's a killer on the road
His brain is squirming like a toad


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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.