Monday, May 14, 2007

Interesting Things I've Done to My Penis: Part Two

(Alternate Title: Pulp Friction)

This is Part II of an ongoing series. For the first installment, go here.

Part Two: The Wicked Wanda 3000

Many of my sex fantasies are pretty standard, and involve myself and one or two female humans. Often, however, my mind wanders to other areas and things get a little more creative.

For example, one recurring theme stars a giant, sexual plant (yes, those green things with the leaves) that seduces innocent girls with its aphrodisiac flowerings. As the girls are mesmerized by the scent, it slowly entwines them with its long, smooth stems (kind of like Audry II in Little Shop of Horrors, except it doesn't yell at you with the voice of a 50 year old R&B singer). Once the girl is in its clutches, it erotically overwhelms her, like a botanic succubus, or vegetable vampire (which are pretty hot, too. Vampires, that is).

Another fantasy I used to have when I was a teenager - a fantasy which I've outgrown at this point - involved hot chicks from outer space. These Space Honeys were pretty much like human females (think Star Trek), but with one notable exception: Spinning vaginas.

That's right. Unlike all you boring Earth girls with your stationary vaginas that can only contract muscularly, these extraterrestrial babes could endlessly rotate their love boxes, either clockwise or counter-clockwise (depending on which hemisphere of their home planet they were born on). I couldn't begin to tell you how, on a physiological level, their vaginas actually “spun”, but that was the effect. They're from outer space, so who knows?

Anyway, one day I'm having dinner with my family, and one of the items on the table was cantaloupe. I believe I was about 16 years old at the time, and still a virgin. Most of the stories in this series, by the way, take place around this time, because there were no girls available to take my intense adolescent sexual frustrations out on, so I went about sticking my ding dong in all kinds of different things fairly frequently. I'm pretty sure everyone does this. Right?

As I was eating a slice of cantaloupe, it suddenly occurred to me that the soft, fleshy pulp might come in handy for more than just nourishment. And the fact that it was round...

Hmmm. Things that rotate are usually round...

It was starting to come together, and I could feel the connections being made in my mind. But how to make it hands-free? That's really what I had been turning over in my head for some time, yet the solution had eluded me: a completely hands-free masturbation device.

And then, in a moment of clarity, the last piece of the puzzle snapped into place. I excused myself from the table and went to my room, where I could draw up the blueprints in private. The final schematic looked something like this:



I'm not going to photoshop the duct tape holding the melon to the fan, but you get the idea. I decided to name it “The Wicked Wanda 3000” in honor of Wanda, a girl I knew who'd once shown me her boobie.

By the weekend I had it put together (there was a lot of sneaking around involved) and once everyone else was out of the house, I had a chance to try it out.

And...

I'm sorry to report that things did not go as well as expected.I really wish that this story had a climax. Sadly, it does not. Even though the Wicked Wanda 3000 had three different speeds to choose from, and even though I was able to use vegetable oil to solve the “friction” problem that came up, I could never quite get there with her. I mean, it worked, basically; it just wasn't all that great.

Also, I almost twisted my weenie off in the first 10 seconds, which was kind of scary.

In the end, I had to scrap the idea and move on.

Now, don't get me wrong – the whole rotation thing definitely had an interesting effect, and there was certainly potential. I'm sure that if I'd kept experimenting with different types of melons, rotation devices, configurations, etc., I would've been able to come up with something that any guy would be proud to stick his pecker in. Within about a year, however, Earth girls became willing to have actual sex with me, and my beloved Wanda became nothing more than a memory.

On a more practical note: if anyone out there wants to take this idea and run with it, feel free. I hold no patents, nor would I feel that my intellectual property rights were being violated. I consider this open source. If you can improve on the original concept and make it work, then by all means, please do. All I ask is that you share the technology. Send me an email or something.

55 comments:

Todd said...

She was right. You are hysterical. Damnit.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

So are you telling us your pecker now looks like a pig's tail or what?

Jules said...

LMFAO
ROFLMAO
PMPL

Last one may need clarification (Pissing my pants laughing)

Kyle said...

Finally there is someone else out there.

I think the fan may be the problem, the spinning motion might be a bit intense and distracting. Something different, say like record player speed...? of course i am speaking of 33 1/3 records... of course.

Nadim said...

'I almost twisted my weenie off in the first 10 seconds,'... you see, theres a reason why earthly vaginas do not rotate!

i bet women fantasize about rotating weenies! similar to drilling machines? no one told me yet though. hmmm... i should ask!

jungle jane said...

I do know how to turn a melon into a sex toy, although it doesn't actually rotate:

Step 1: Get a melon.

Step 2: Cut a round hole in one end a bit smaller than your dick. Scoop out a little of the inside but not too much, remember, you're making sex toys not digging ditches

Step 3: squirt in some baby oil and then nuke it good in the microwave

Step 4: Start humping.

A little bonus to add to the honeydew/cantaloupe procedure: On the opposite side of the melon from where your penis enters it, make a small hole with a skewer or small knife, no bigger than a pencil eraser, but reaching all the way in to the "vagina." Wrap your hand around the melon after you insert your erection and put your finger over the hole on the outstroke. Remove your finger on the in-stroke, replace it over the hole on the outstroke. Feels like a mouth going down on your cock, then sucking on it as it draws back. A very nice substitute for a blow job.

Captain Smack said...

Todd:
Why, thank you very much! I definitely owe Steph one for sending you guys over.


Shelly:
My pecker looks fine, dear; it's my brain that's twisted as hell.


Jules:
Thank you, Jules, and thanks for respecting the rules, too. I'd never ran across "PMPL" before, and like it a lot, cause it looks like an abbreviation for "pimple".


Kyle:
Now, this is a good damn comment! You're the kind of guy The Captain appreciates: A Creative Problem Solver.

The only concern I'd have about using a record player is that it may not have enough torque to get the job done (depending, of course, on how much pressure or friction you wanted to achieve). The RPM, however, sounds perfect, and I'm guessing that at least one of the audio equipment manufacturers makes a record player with a little muscle.

Very nice, Kyle.


Nadim:
Now, a rotating weenie would be easy to mock up; just attach a dildo to a power-drill. In fact, I've seen vibrators that not only rotate, but they actually "wiggle". (which, in my opinion, just doesn't seem fair).

Captain Smack said...

Jungle Jane:
You seem to bring a certain amount of expertise to the table, Jane. I wish I'd had your help when I was 16 and really needed it.

Then, on the other hand, I may have never gotten laid.

In any case, I'll definitely want to hire you on as a consultant to the design team once I get my international Sex Machine project off the ground. Thank you.

Rosanna said...

Oh, gosh. I will never, EVER be able to look at cantelope in the same way without laughing / crying with laughter.

Kav said...

Well that sure beats my traditional approach of using that day's sock as a sheath. Your approach is a lot more wasteful though. I hope you ate it when you were done.

Travis said...

I don't think, after reading this, that I'll ever buy a hooker again.

Erica AP said...

The sky's the limit to your imagination. Ever want to be a pilot, Captain? I heard they get sweet stewardess ass.

Captain Smack said...

Rosanna:
Hope I didn't ruin it for you. I got the same type of comment about brushing teeth after posting Part One.


Kav:
I'm afraid not, Kav; but there are always casualties in the wake of innovation.


Travis:
No more hookers? Dear God, man - now your just talking crazy!


Erica:
Oh, The Captain flies, baby...

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Is there like, a V chip for the internet? Because I would really, really, really, like for my son to never see the Wanda 3000. I'd like grandchildren one of these days, if you know what I mean.

Captain Smack said...

Hmmm... Maybe you could just tell him it's some type of antique fruit blender.

Neily said...

JULTPYO

lulu said...

I think I might have just peed when I laughed.

Miss B said...

Captain, hon, you really ARE too much... although, I have to admit, I like fun with food as much as the next gal... *wink*

Anonymous said...

Ok so I was referred over by Steph ... and wow you are hilarious! Had kind of a crappy evening, and this was great. Read almost all of your posts, haha.

savannah said...

i did in fact LLOL! found you via dcwarmington...talk about wacko juxapostion! damn funny post!

morbid misanthrope said...

That's a pretty damn funny story; however, I still maintain my youth was not misspent drinking heavily and lighting things on fire. Perhaps I was friendless growing up because everyone else my age was busy Biblically knowing potentially dangerous home appliances. I suddenly feel sorry for the creepy neighbor kid’s dog, though--his parents had an air conditioner.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You shouldn't lose hope of mating with an alien. It's important to have dreams in life.

Captain Smack said...

Neily:
Good job. I'm really pissed off now.


lulu:
Sorry, Lulu - I hope you weren't wearing anything too nice.


Miss B:
You keep winking at me and calling me "hon", and I'm gonna have to whip up a double-chocolate zucchini ham pie and grill a tomato fudge sickle on your sauerkraut chicken breast. With extra cheese.

Wow, that was hot.


Anonymous:
Glad I could help make your crappy evening a little better. That's what I'm here for. When you run out of drugs, there's always this crap.


savannah:
I know what you mean. And D.C. is fucking awesome - anyone who can blog about freaking lawn mowers, and completely capture your attention... well, you know.


morbid misanthrope:
That one took me a minute, but I get it now. Maybe it wasn't all that bad for the dog. I hear they like peanut butter.


Gorilla Bananas:
I guess you're right, GB, but when I finally do hook up with an alien chick, I just hope she doesn't look like E.T.'s sister.

Utegirl said...

Ok..so the FIRST time I dropped by here, my browser wasn't showing up the lovely diagram of your 'Wicked Wanda 3000'..so I was left to imagine how the fuck you managed hoisting your dick upto the ceiling fan!

Didn't your teenage mind ever think of plain ol' hair conditioner & a rubber glove?

Can't wait to see what vege you 'Do' next. =)

Zoning Out Again said...

Stationary Vaginas vs Alien Rotating Vaginas?!? Wouldn't it be possible that if you pissed off a female alien,(I mean like really, really pissed her off to the point of no return) that her rotating vagina might turn into rotating razor blades? OUCH! It's just a thought Geez!!!Yeah I'm sick like that!

Beefcake Almighty said...

Now try this one out....

It involves a 9 volt battery, a crash helmet, a unicycle, a large tub of mayonnaise, a length of rubber hose, and a copy of Cat Fancy magazine.

Keep me posted as to what happens.

ariel said...

men risk their eyes, ears, legs, hands, lifes even in the service of science, teenage boys risk their penis.

very funny! I hope you're not going to shoot me if I accidently say L.. sometime when I forget to keep the rule in mind. your blog is amusing.

Captain Smack said...

Utegirl:
There's nothing wrong with the hair conditioner/glove thing, but it can only get you so far. It's all about progress, Ute.


Little Big Tits (ZOA):
Hopefully these Space Babes are more highly evolved and therefor not as... vengeful... as you Earth Girls.


Beefcake:
You must be referring to the ol' One Legged Cincinnati Banana Boat, only I see you've replaced vasoline with mayonnaise. Tried it a couple times, but never really had the dexterity to pull it off.

Ariel:
I've always been willing to put myself at great personal risk for the betterment of mankind.

Miss B said...

*giggle* now THAT sounds like a meal...

and what do I get to eat? *wink*

lmao...
*hugs*

The Boob Lady said...

Fuck, I'm in awe of you right now. I'd say to cause a little more excitement, add a real string of pearls. The friction and smoothness of the pearls would cause much excitement.

Just sayin'.

Captain Smack said...

Boobs:
Now, that's just plain kinky, Boob Lady. Whataya think I am, a pervert?

mist1 said...

I'm thinking that the flaw was in the choice of melon. Clearly, a squash of some sort would have been a better choice.

Todd said...

Was it seedless? I sure hope it was seedless...

Helen said...

Hmmm Cap'n, I encountered a group of my students (back when, you know, the youth were all that mattered) eating grilled cheese sandwiches. One particularly, um, explorative chap had parted the bread and was licking the cheese out... A comrade queried: would that be called...cheese-a-lingus? Oh ho ho, now YOU can't get that out of your head--or vocabulary...

Fun with penises...where could one begin?

Captain Smack said...

mist1:
Squash? Really? Hmmm. Sounds a little rough, to me. Also, it would have to be a fairly large squash. Then on the other hand, there are all those weird South American squashes, so I guess there's lots of variety, which is good. A man shouldn't be tied down to a single vegetable his whole life.


Todd:
I don't know. It seems like I would know, considering the fact that, besides sticking my wee-wee in it, it was also grown in our own garden. I'll assume it was seedless.


Helen:
Sounds like your student was quite the cunning linguist.

Kav said...

A seed down the jap's eye would be a special kind of agony.

mutleythedog said...

Melon served in a special sauce.... I gues it went too fast and I would propose training a midget to rotate it to cries of faster faster!!

Or try this. It requires a small garden rocket, a bucket and a lenght of cheese wire

Manic Mom said...

You can not believe how hysterically loud I am laughing right now.

You are genius! Genius I tell ya! I'm actually really sorry Wanda didn't work for you.

Captain Smack said...

Kav:
That seems kind of politically incorrect - you should not assume that my penis is Japanese just because he's good at math and knows karate.


Mutley:
I'll have to think about that one. A garden rocket seems useful, but the cheese wire makes me a little uncomfortable...


Mom:
I know, it's a shame, isn't it? On the bright side, I at least was able to complete high school.

Thanks for coming by.

ariel said...

Captain, have you seen Jim Jarmush's movie, Night On The Earth?

Captain Smack said...

I have. I like his movies, especially Mystery Train and Down by Law. Why do you ask?

Nadim said...

just read the part 1.
I had tried Colgate. But I was wise enough to stop half way. That wasnt good enough though! After he was set on fire by water, i covered my buddy in thick blankets and saved his life! Cleaned it up with a soft cloth immediately and waited a few hours to bathe him!

UBERMOUTH said...

Aren' YOU the popular boy? and deservedly so! Has our moment come yet or not quite?
With neither or us leaving emails how are we going to get down and dirty?

Captain Smack said...

I know. You didn't publish your email address, and I wanted to send you something...

Hit me at captainsmack@mail.com

Old Knudsen said...

BYOB! I fucked a fan once, he/she was into Marilyn Manson, what a crazy 2 minutes that was.

Yes we did it twice.

Captain Smack said...

Bring Your Own... Banana?

ariel said...

Captain, because of the pumpkin, of course. :)

Trouble said...

Boob Lady totally stole that idea from her own vibrator.

Just sayin.

Ms Smack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
-eve- said...

It's a really good idea! Wish I'd thought of it first (but since you have no patent, perhaps I might borrow it...). Considered the cantaloupe kind of thing for my dog; tried to make him a pillow with a hole in it, but it wouldn't support itself when he fucked it... still working on the idea, though....

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Sigillum Diaboli said...

ROFL. That sounds like WAY too much work. I'd rather fuck my hand.

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About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.