One night I get a phone call. It's about 1 in the morning, and I'm just chillin' at my crib, yo, so I pick up the phone and say “speak!” (which is how I sometimes answer the phone, because I'm kind of a dick). It's my good friend, Otto.
Yay! I love Otto. (Otto has a “Get Out of Jail free” card tattooed on his arm, and it actually seems to work sometimes). He's in town for a few days, and he's over at Joey's house. C'mon over, he says. Alright, I say.
At the time I lived on Hoot Owl Hill, which, like it sounds, is waaayyy the fuck out in BFE. Joey just happened to live pretty close by, so I didn't even have to go into town or anything. So i hang up the phone, grab my keys, get in my car and within seconds I'm driving to Joey's house. Praise Bob.
I'd been to Joey's before, so I assumed I'd remember how to get there. This turned out to be false. After driving around looking for his house for 20 minutes or so, I finally gave up and decided that I'd have to call back and get directions. I didn't have a cell phone on me, so I drove to a convenience store, scraped up some change and used the pay phone.
Smack: Hey, joey, it's me. Where's your fucking house, dude?
Joey: You can't find my house?
Smack: No. I thought I knew where it was, but...
Joey: You know where Baum Road is?
Joey: Well, take Baum down to Cedar Street, ok? Take a left there, and then go over the railroad tracks. Keep on going until--
Smack: Oh, shit.
Joey: What's wrong?
Smack: I don't have any pants on.
Smack: I'm in public and I don't have any pants on. I'm in my underwear.
Joey: What, are you at a pay phone? Can anyone see you?
Smack: Yeah, there's two chicks staring at me right now.
Joey: Yeah? Are they hot?
Smack: Kind of. They're ok.
Joey: Why the fuck don't you have any pants on?
Smack: Because when Otto called I was hanging out in my boxers. I didn't think I'd be stopping at a store or anything.
Joey: So you were gonna come over in your underwear? (then, away from the phone) Hey, Otto - guess who's out in public with no pants on...
Smack: Ok dude, gimme the directions before a cop pulls in. How far after the train tracks...
Joey: Hey, you're at a store, right?
Joey: Otto needs some cigarettes. Can you get him a pack of camel filterless?
Smack: Look, I think I got some Pall Mall's in the car. I'm not buying cigarettes in my fucking underwear.
Joey: Hey, listen - you ever have one of those dreams? You know, where you're out in public and you suddenly realize you're in your underwear?
Smack: Yes, I have.
Joey: Well you're living it, man.
Smack: I know. It's a dream come true. Look, gimme those directions before a cop pulls in here and starts asking a bunch of questions. Shit... I think I might have some weed in the car...
Joey: What kind of boxers you got on?
Smack: They're silk. Little pictures of hot tamales on them. They're nice.
Joey: Alright, then. So you know where Baum Rd is, right? (...etc....)