Monday, May 14, 2007

A Dream Come True

One night I get a phone call. It's about 1 in the morning, and I'm just chillin' at my crib, yo, so I pick up the phone and say “speak!” (which is how I sometimes answer the phone, because I'm kind of a dick). It's my good friend, Otto.

Yay! I love Otto. (Otto has a “Get Out of Jail free” card tattooed on his arm, and it actually seems to work sometimes). He's in town for a few days, and he's over at Joey's house. C'mon over, he says. Alright, I say.

At the time I lived on Hoot Owl Hill, which, like it sounds, is waaayyy the fuck out in BFE. Joey just happened to live pretty close by, so I didn't even have to go into town or anything. So i hang up the phone, grab my keys, get in my car and within seconds I'm driving to Joey's house. Praise Bob.

I'd been to Joey's before, so I assumed I'd remember how to get there. This turned out to be false. After driving around looking for his house for 20 minutes or so, I finally gave up and decided that I'd have to call back and get directions. I didn't have a cell phone on me, so I drove to a convenience store, scraped up some change and used the pay phone.

Joey: Hello?

Smack: Hey, joey, it's me. Where's your fucking house, dude?

Joey: You can't find my house?

Smack: No. I thought I knew where it was, but...

Joey: You know where Baum Road is?

Smack: Yep.

Joey: Well, take Baum down to Cedar Street, ok? Take a left there, and then go over the railroad tracks. Keep on going until--

Smack: Oh, shit.

Joey: What's wrong?

Smack: I don't have any pants on.

Joey: Huh?

Smack: I'm in public and I don't have any pants on. I'm in my underwear.

Joey: What, are you at a pay phone? Can anyone see you?

Smack: Yeah, there's two chicks staring at me right now.

Joey: Yeah? Are they hot?

Smack: Kind of. They're ok.

Joey: Why the fuck don't you have any pants on?

Smack: Because when Otto called I was hanging out in my boxers. I didn't think I'd be stopping at a store or anything.

Joey: So you were gonna come over in your underwear? (then, away from the phone) Hey, Otto - guess who's out in public with no pants on...

Smack: Ok dude, gimme the directions before a cop pulls in. How far after the train tracks...

Joey: Hey, you're at a store, right?

Smack: Yeah.

Joey: Otto needs some cigarettes. Can you get him a pack of camel filterless?

Smack: Look, I think I got some Pall Mall's in the car. I'm not buying cigarettes in my fucking underwear.

Joey: Hey, listen - you ever have one of those dreams? You know, where you're out in public and you suddenly realize you're in your underwear?

Smack: Yes, I have.

Joey: Well you're living it, man.

Smack: I know. It's a dream come true. Look, gimme those directions before a cop pulls in here and starts asking a bunch of questions. Shit... I think I might have some weed in the car...

Joey: What kind of boxers you got on?

Smack: They're silk. Little pictures of hot tamales on them. They're nice.

Joey: Alright, then. So you know where Baum Rd is, right? (...etc....)



Malathionman said...

Silk is nice. When I wear underwear its usually silk.

jungle jane said...

This story simply cannot be true, Smack. No man in his right mind would own silk boxers adorned with tamales. That is seriously Brokeback...

Erica AP said...

Silk boxers are indeed sexy to the touch. I just assumed guys bought them so the girls would touch them. Maybe I'm wrong... Maybe I'm wrong.

Captain Smack said...

Yeah, I don't usually wear em' either. I like to go au natural'.

Jungle Jane:
Oh, it's true, baby. The Captain likes to be comfortable. And what the hell's "Brokeback" about tamales?

I mean, strawberries, sure... (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Actually, it was a girl who bought these for me, I assumed for the same reason.

Kyle said...

Chicks dig me 'cause I rarely wear underwear, and when I do its something exotic.

Nice story

Anonymous said...

OK - so where is Baum Road??

Lil said...

Praise Bob? Were you grooving to the great man whilst you drove, in your pants, to Joey's house? I expect Bob would dig that.

And do you really have a friend called Otto? Where can one fiend a friend with such a name? None of my friends have very interesting names.

Also feel that I should mention that IMHO silk is the most overrated fabric ever - Have you ever tried to sleep on silk sheets? Fucking awful!

morbid misanthrope said...

See, that's why I wear a three-piece suit at all times. The police never suspect the guy in the suit.

Helen said...

Hahahaha, at least you had your drawers on Cap'n. And at least silk boxers with tamales can pass better than the old tighty-whiteys...

Jules said...

I love that you recognise that you're kind of dick. I really am a dick but I don't give a rat's arse!!

Did you ever find Joey's house??

The Boob Lady said...

Wow. Great story. I love it. Thank you!

Miss B said...

heh. cool~i was one of the girls... ;) and now i've found you again...

Captain Smack said...

Ok, I'll take your word for it.

So sorry! It's at the very end of Buck Lake Rd, near the train tracks.

Otto was actually his pen name (he was a writer). His real name was James.

As for silk, I've never slept on silk sheets, but I rather like the underwear.

morbid misanthrope:
Ah, so you walk among us disguised as a regular person, then... how very clever.

I like the tighty whiteys, and do wear them every once in a while. And, yes, that definitely would've been a lot worse.

"I really am a dick but I don't give a rat's arse!!"

Spoken like a genuine fellow dick. And yes, I did find Joey's house without any further complications.

Boob Lady:
Thank you so much! I imagine you would like a story involving silk undergarments.

Miss B:
I guess my hot tamales have worked their voodoo on you, Miss B. It happens some times, and is not your fault.

ariel said...

Lil, I have tried to sleep on silk sheets, I agree.

what is "tamales" ?

Captain Smack said...

The Mexican food, pronounced:

Manic Mom said...

Silk boxers. Nice.

And tamales-- Hot.

Manic Mom said...

Oh, and my brother answers the phone:

"You got him!" He hates when I then say, "I didn't want you, I wanted to talk to your wife."

Captain Smack said...

That's funny. Sometimes, when I do it, the person on the other end just hangs up.

Ms Smack said...

hehe this is something I would do. If I have no intention of stopping on the way to z mates house but for me it going out without knickers, or without a bra, without money, or a mobile phone, or barefoot/wearing slippers.

If you can't be free-ballin', or bra-less around your mates, then what is the world coming to!

Its the same as porn. If you can't share porn with your mates, than who can you share porn with? huh?

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack. You're ovulating, aren't you?

Ms Smack said...

nuh uh

The Exception said...

This is great. I wish more men wore silk - they probably would if they thought it would help them get laid! ;) Great story though and am glad you found the house.

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.