Thursday, May 31, 2007

Bombs Away!

I'm hilarious. Really, ask anyone. It's a gift. And I know I probably make it look easy, as if the hilarity just magically rolls off my tongue (or fingers, whatever) and onto the internet. But it's not always so easy. This crap actually takes a lot of work. I have to get right into The Zone to pull it off, or else it comes out sounding all phony and pretentious, like I'm full of myself or something.

It's all in the details. Take this paragraph, for example, the one you're reading right now. You think I just typed this out in one fell swoop? No no no - it's much more complicated than that. It may only take you 15 or 20 seconds to read this paragraph, but it took me about 15 minutes to write it. And that's just one paragraph!

But I don't mind. Really. The way I figure it, if you good people are nice enough to drop by and let me bend your ear, then I want you to get your money's worth. Also, I figure I'll somehow, eventually, get laid for doing this... and even though I'm not sure how that's supposed to work logistically, it's enough to keep my fingers on the keyboard, and that's what matters.

The bad news is: I'm starting to feel a lot of pressure. I've created this “buzz”, apparently, and now it's starting to kind of stress me out. Every since Steph "outed" me, I feel like every post has to be totally hilarious, like I have to completely nail it. But I can't do that every time! I'm not a freaking comedy machine, you know! And then Ploop wanted me to write something about “How to Win an Argument”, but I can't seem to get it finished... and I already used up my snake story (which I was actually planning to save for a rainy day)... and I don't want to toss out too many Jesus/Elvis stories at once, or everyone will get tired of them, and Jesus Christ, people - get off my fucking back already!

I'm Sorry. I didn't mean to yell. But you see what I'm saying? It's starting to get to me. Hey, I'm a pretty laid back guy, but even The Captain has bad days. I don't do drugs like I used to, you know.

So I've thought about it, and here's what I'm going to do: Instead of worrying my pretty little head about it, instead of hoping that the next post isn't the first one that totally bombs, I'm just going to go ahead and confront my fears, head on. I'm just going to go ahead and do a really lousy post, and bust my own bad-post cherry. Just get it over with. Fuck it.

So, alright. Here goes. One lousy post, coming up:

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen - welcome to "This is Your Captain Speaking"! The blog that keeps it realer than a mofo! Tonight's post is sponsored by "DUI Malt Liquor. The Malt Liquor for guys who just don't give a shit anymore".

And now, your host: Caaaaaaptain Smaaaaack!


Smack: Hey! Hey there, everybody! Thank you, thank you. Hey, it's great to be here. No, thank you. Please, sit down. No, please, really... c'mon, sit down... you're embarrassing me. Alright. Ok, thanks. Say... you ever notice how, at restaurants, they always put your salad in a tiny little bowl? What's up with that? I mean, hey, I'd like to be able to at least stir in the fucking dressing without getting it all over the table! You know? Huh? Huh?

Audience: (polite laughter)

Smack: Yeah. And why do they always put a giant slice of tomato in there? What's that all about? I'm supposed to stick this big fucking piece of tomato in my mouth? I mean, I know I got a big mouth, but really!

Audience: (one person laughs. someone else coughs.)

Smack: Hey, you ever notice how guys will never ask for directions? It's because they're stubborn... and, uh... well, you know how guys are... (taps microphone) hey, is this thing on?

Audience: (uncomfortable silence)

Smack: (clears throat, wipes sweat off face) Boy, that Kim Jong Il, he's a nut case, huh? Am I right? Am I right? Hey, you know what would be funny? A midget in quicksand!

Audience:C'mon, man!” and “You already did that one!

Smack: Oh, yeah... I did, didn't I... alright, ok, here's something – you ever notice how George Bush looks sort of like a monkey? No, really. He really does, kind of... I have some pictures around here somewhere...

Audience:Man, that's old” and “Everyone's done that bit” and “come on, Smack, be funny!

Smack: Um... ok... well, I could do a meme, I guess... want me to do a meme? Oh, here's one: What type of venereal disease are you? That sounds kind of humorous...

Audience:memes are lame, man.” and “I thought Steph said this guy was supposed to be funny...

Smack: Ok, I got it, I got it - wanna hear another story about my penis?

Audience: (Applause) and “yeah, that's better” and “yeah, more penis stories!

Smack: Yeah, I thought you'd like that. Ok, here we go.

Interesting Things I've Done to My Penis: Part Three

Ahem. You ready?

Audience:Yeah!” and “Oh, these are always good

Smack: Now, this one's really funny... Ok, this one time? When I was, like, sixteen? I sucked it. I sucked my own penis!

Audience: (Shocked silence)

Smack: Isn't that hilarious? No, really... I had to get my back real limber, and... um... I, you know...

Audience:Dude... that's not cool...” and “what are ya, gay or something?” and “Booo!

Smack: What? I mean, it's not gay if... you know... if it's your own... um... Ok, look, I, uh, I gotta go. I... I got a lot of work to catch up on. Plus, I have a cold. Or maybe the flu. Yeah. So, like, here, watch this you-tube video... it's pretty funny...





(Later, back stage)

Elvis: Man... you really bombed out there. What happened?

Smack: I know. That was pretty bad.

Jesus: Hey, listen, don't worry about it, Smack. They can't all be winners, you know.

Smack: Yeah, well... I guess it had to happen eventually...

Elvis: Nah, man, I'm serious. That was awful. It was kinda' hard to watch.

Jesus: Elvis...

Manson: Well, I thought it was brilliant. Why DO they always put salads in such small bowls?

Elvis: Well, hey, man. At least the video was funny...

Manson: I liked your routine, Captain, I don't care what anyone says. It was, like... performance art. Or something.

Smack: Thanks, Charlie. Say, listen... you guys wanna get a beer or something? I'm ready to drink. A lot.

Elvis: Now, that's what I'm talking about. Let's blow this pop sickle stand. Hey, guys - drinks are on me!

Smack: Listen, you guys - thanks. Really, I appreciate it.

Jesus: Well, hey... look on the bright side, Smack - at least they didn't nail you to anything.

Smack: Yeah, that's true. There's always that.


(later that night, when everyone's good and drunk)

Elvis: So listen, man. That one you did about you sucking your own, uh, you know...

Smack: yeah?

Elvis: Was that, like, for real? I mean, you didn't really do that, did you?

Smack: Well... yeah, actually.

Elvis: Well, then I just gotta ask you one thing, man... How? How'd you do that?

Smack: I got two words for you, Elvis; Muscle Relaxers.

Elvis: Oh, hell, man. I got a bunch of those. No problem.

Manson: Or yoga. Yoga works, too.

Jesus: Oh, yeah, yoga definitely works.

(everyone looks at Jesus)

Jesus: What? I'm just saying.

65 comments:

Ms Smack said...

A good friend of mine once said that 'comedy blogs are fuckin' hard to maintain' but I have to say, you're doing a fantastic job, mate.

x

Kieran said...

I only read a couple of words up at the top there but I can tell they were bloody well written. I only have the attention span for one Old Knudsenesque blog, so Old Bitter Balls is dead to me now, you're the new queen of all our hearts.

Kav said...

So, ah....was it any good?

Utegirl said...

Crikey, what a mouthful.




And... 'Bloggers Block' happens to the best of 'em.



Bit like 'Brewers Droop'...

Ms Smack said...

ha utegirl, yeah!

Except blogging when you're ready is easier than working on a brewers droop to bring him back to full mast!

Miss B said...

no worries, captain... ;)
*hugs*

mist1 said...

When I get tired of being funny, I just write about my crotch too. Everyone likes that.

Zoning Out Again said...

Dude, I'm sure you're pretty damn funny even in your sleep! After that so called "Lousy Post" I'm officially addicted! Usually, cursing annoys the hell out of me, but for some sick reason it's completely acceptable and kinda sexy coming from you?

"bust my own bad post cherry
HA HA! Sicko!
Man, I'm in love you!

Man, I'm in love you!

Zoning Out Again said...

oops, doubled up on that I love you line.

Zoning Out Again said...

Oh and that kind of looks like me under your turn tables there in your header. What the heck am I doing?

Erica AP said...

I'm pretty sure that your funniness is like a light shining out from your body (maybe crotch area?) that radiates into the universe. So all you are doing it harnessing it into a little post here and there. Don't start feeling the pressure because you never want this thing to feel like work, you know?

The Little Cheese said...

Do another one, do another one, more, more, more!!

Sorry, is that too much pressure?

I guess they are right when they say the best things come to those who wait...

jungle jane said...

Smack. Dude. I soooooooo fucking know where you are coming from with this post....

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack:
Thank you, Ms Smack, it's very nice to hear (or read) you say that. I did read your sept 2006 post about the snake, btw, liked it very much.


Kieran:
The new Queen. Good one. But, hey, don't be dissin' Old Knudsen, he gets it up about three times a day, I hear.


Kav:
No, not really. It's a worthwhile goal, I suppose, just for the novelty, but not all that rewarding.


Utegirl:
Haha. you Aussies with all your slang... "Brewers droop" is a good one.


Miss B:
So you still love me then? Thanks for the hug.


mist1:
Well I know I certainly do. In fact I've written about your crotch many times, I just never publish it.

Actually, Mist, I thought about you as I wrote this, because you have that ability to write a LOT, and it's always good.


Zoning:
Fuck shit damn! You like that, don't you? My next post will be nothing but curse words, just for you.

The woman under the table is supposed to be washing my feet... that's the story, anyway...


Erica AP:
Good advice, Erica, and sometimes light does shoot out from my crotch, like a light saber of comedy. (that didn't sound right...)


Little Cheese:
Damn you! Can't you see I'm suffering? Have you no decency?


Jane:
Ah, so you've sucked your own penis too? I don't feel so alone now. Thanks!

Manuel said...

Hey but you dont have the pressure of trying to find something funny to post in a comment. Sometimes i dont even try. The video was good. You tubes great aint it? You see the one with the guy and he like falls over and ....

fingers said...

I'm sure, like any addicted comic, you're just lapping up the attention of these drooling sycophants, CS...but I don't work like that.
You're weak !!! Worthless and weak !!! Call yourself a Captain; you're barely an ensign, you big girl. Two months you've been blogging; TWO FUCKING MONTHS and already you're whining like a bitch .
You went too hard too soon, boy. Check your archives. You appeared from nowhere; a blogging tornado, sometimes posting twice a day...and now you've just blown yourself out. Fraud !!!
You'll get no sympathy from me; if you've only got 10 or 20 funny posts in you, then you have to learn to space those posts to create THE ILLUSION of perpetual comic genius.
Now stop carping about the pressure of performing and get back in there, you cowardly sack of shit !!!
Publish or die !!!
Or publish and die anyway !!!
Either way, have something funny on my desk by tomorrow...

The Little Cheese said...

Aw Captain, I know you suffer for your art. What's MY decency got to do with it?!

Zoning Out Again said...

Okay that's not me down there after all!

morbid misanthrope said...

For a while I was an editor at a magazine where I had to work with some nutritionist on her articles every issue. She was a freak of nature; she liked to talk about her digestion all the time. She wouldn’t drink water after lunch because she thought it compromised the integrity of her late-afternoon dump or something.

Anyway, she was going on about how great yoga was, and how she convinced her boyfriend to take up yoga with the promise that it would enable him to orally pocket his own rocket, so to speak. To make a long and stupid story short, she said the only problem with that--aside from putting your own genitals in your mouth--was that every time someone did it, Jesus cried and His tears drowned kittens in South America.

Well, you can see how, with this information, I was a little surprised at Jesus' response in that dialog. Then again, I suppose if He cries every time someone does that, He would know that yoga "definitely works."

Even wading through self-doubt you were able to come up with another great post. Congratulations.

Fat Sparrow said...

I think the real question is: Did you swallow?

Old Knudsen said...

First off that kieran is a cunt, you can quote me on that, second off the secret to happiness is not to give a fuck about keeping people happy, I've done great posts only to have people (Americans) not get it unless I really dumbed it doon, no offense to any dumb yanks out there. Post what you like, its no fun if its a duty.

As for Old Knudsenesque blog.
The same thing happened to me in Hollywood they wanted an Old Knudsen type saying that I was too edgey and raw.

If in doubt make fun of a minority, they're asking for it anyway. Or Kieran I used to make fun of him all the time before he burned out, a thing which I accept no responsibility for.

Malathionman said...

I actually took Yoga in college. I could maybe suck my big toe afterward. If my instructor had a penis, she would have been albe to suck it.

Captain Smack said...

Manuel:
True. And, yeah, that video is awesome. One of best sync-ups I've ever seen.


Fingers:
I know you're just saying all this because you care, fingers, and I'm actually touched that you have this nurturing, female-like nature. I think that's really special. And YOU'RE really special, too. Like, really special.


Little Cheese:
I don't know. I seemed to have lost the thread on that myself.


Zoning:
What are you saying? You wouldn't wash my feet?


Morbid Misanthrope:
Your comments are better than most people's actual posts. As for a woman teaching her boyfriend how to give himself head, that doesn't seem like a very good strategy.


Fat Sparrow:
No, it didn't get that far. It was actually rather uncomfortable. Normal hand-jerking's got it all beat.


Old Knudsen:
I sure as hell don't consider this blog to be Knudsenesque, as you're operating on some whole other level. And I could be wrong, but you strike me as a person that needs to write, and I've met people like that, whose heads would explode if they didn't write.

Captain Smack said...

Malathionman:
I've seen that too, yogis with their heads in their laps. I saw a female yogi who looked like she could've gone down on herself, penis or not, and I wondered if she ever did, and then I realized, well of course she did.

fingers said...

Care ???
I barely care about myself and I like me...

Gorilla Bananas said...

Your best post ever. You've peaked too early man. How are you ever going to top this?

Nadim said...

theres a theory

'Its funny when funny people are not being funny cos audience think its funny that they are trying not to be funny!'

get it?

but i guess you have done enough things to your penis to keep your readers entertained forever!

and ya, a suggestion, you can rope in The Beatles and turn them gay to bail you out during tough times! Or may be something like bringing in nicole richie n paris hilton for a double date with elvis n jesus?

kiki said...

lqtm (laughing quietly to myself)

Zoning Out Again said...

No dude, I wouldn't wash your feet, but I could give you corn-rolls and when you act out in front of the mirror
"by yourself" *wink and a nod*
you could squint your eyes when it's the black girl's turn to talk. :0)I could do that for you man! Because I love you, remember?
Now get on over to my place for some advice on how to torture kids.
...and by the way you should really join Humor-blogs.com. You're pretty damn funny if I haven't told you lately! Tell'em I sent you. Maybe I'll get some brownie points over there.

Miss B said...

heh... light saber of comedy... heh...

i don't know about love, exactly... how 'bout some red-hot lusting with lotsa intellectual stimulation thrown in? does that work for ya? *wink*

Old Knudsen said...

I think Knudsenesque means superior in wit to the other dull blogs which it certainly is, one of those blogs where people say "I wish I had thought of that"

And yes I do have to write but then this comment proves that.

Captain Smack said...

Gorilla Bananas:
That was good. At first I thought "Oh, wow. What a nice comment. GB usually just fucks with me." then I looked closer and thought "Oh. He's just fucking with me."


Nadim:
That theory has the ring of truth to it. As for Nicole and Paris, when it comes to celebrities, I tend to kick it old skool.


Kiki:
Nice. I like that one.


Zoning:
I already have corn rows, actually, but only on my pubic hair (my barber hates me), so I guess I should have you do my head, just so the carpet matches the drapes.


Miss B:
That works for me, Miss B. I'm not hard to please.


Old Knudsen:
Damn, I wish I'd thought of that.

Zoning Out Again said...

WOW! That gives a whole new meaning to interior design!
Thanks for correcting me on the Corn Rows thing. So did you do those pubic corn rows yourself? You know... when you were down there lapping yourself like a dog? Sicko! :0) And I still keep coming back for more!!!

Sam said...

WHERE ARE THE DRUGS

Sam said...

ALSO, IF MAGIC ROLLS OF YOUR FINGERS... HAVE YOU EVER PULLED A RABBIT OUT OF A VAGINA?

LULZ

Steph said...

This blogging lark is not so fucking easy is it? IS IT????

Cut down your posts to about three a week, less if you want. Pace yourself my friend.
And if all else fails, post pictures of your arse and write about times you injured yourself whilst falling down drunk.

Works for me.

Jules said...

I'm hilarious too. I just can't be hilarious at all times, unlike yourself. I am hilarious in real life but find it hard to be as fucken hilarious on my blog. Think it's cos I have lots of "nice" people reading it who are following my battle with the bulge.

I know a guy at high school who got caught in the bath trying to suck his own cock by his brother. Nice brother came to school and told everyone he knew. Poor barstard, never lived it down.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Dude if you ever feel a bad post coming on then just preface the post with instructions on what narcotics/liquor to partake of and how much... then hilarity will ensure no matter what.

Beefcake Almighty said...

You know, I always thought I was pretty good at finding obscure and weird videos on YouTube, but you have now dethroned me.

Well done, soldier.

Captain Smack said...

Zoning:
I had my barber do the corn rows. He's one of those old-style Floyd the Barber guys, but he'll do it for an extra $20.


Sam:
The drugs are long gone, I did them all. And I do not recall ever pulling a rabbit from a vagina, but that's not to say that it has never happened.


Steph:
Hell, I'm not even doing three a week now. Who's got time for that? Besides Mist. And Knudsen. And you. Ok, I guess a lot of people. I'll get some more ass pictures for emergencies, but I don't know if I could make falling down as entertaining as you do.


Jules:
Ugh! "Nice" people. They ruin everything. I make sure to filter out those types of undesirables quick. What are they doing on the internet anyway?


Queen of Dysfunction:
HaHAAA! That's so funny you should say that. I once put together a CD of original techno music - very underground "drug" sounding stuff - and I had a picture of a different drug next to each song, like a key-code for what type of drug each song would sound the best on.


Beefcake:
That is amazing, isn't it? I never thought Barry white could be so creepy. I just happened to get lucky and stumble upon that one, I hardly ever go to youtube.

Zoning Out Again said...

That's cheap! I'd charge nothing because I'd refuse to do it.
He must like it.

Eddie Waring said...

And why do they always put a giant slice of tomato in there?

The kind of restaurants I eat at, you don't even get fuckin' tomato in yer salad. I bet you complain when your quails eggs are undercooked as well don't you?

Ms Smack said...

if i was somehow able to go down on my self, i quite possibly would remain single for the rest of my life.

My neighbour already puts my rubbish bin out for collection, I earn enough money, I've already procreated, and my fingers work magic.

what else is there?

Captain Smack said...

Zoning:
He's just doing his job.


Eddie:
Dude, I could dedicate an entire blog just to bitching about things like that. I would never, ever run out of material.


Ms Smack:
Maybe someone to tell you that, no, that dress doesn't make your butt look big? Other than that, it sounds like you have the bases pretty much covered.

Helen said...

Fingers, don't bust rank on the Captain, we don't know why he's the captain, or what he's the captain of, we just accept it as we blythely going about our task of chuckling or belly-laughing. Although you sounded a bit, well, admiral-ish with that authority in your tone, and that big, long, cannon at your beck.
Cap'n, I bet if you turned your script-writing skills to anticipating what your slathering, teeth-gnashing fans might say, that would while away a blog or two.

Old Knudsen said...

Damn, I wish I'd thought of that.

You witty cunt, the next time we meet I shall kill you.

Or I'll just leave a comment.

Ms Smack said...

Plastic doesnt taste nice.

Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais.

Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais.

The Boob Lady said...

Have you thought about removing a few ribs?

Yas said...

wow..

this is my first time here and um..

yeah.

hey great video!! :P

oh and with my experience with comedy blogs... don't try too hard. i'll bet you're naturally a lauggh freakin riot.

Captain Smack said...

Helen:
That's right, Helen; some are born with a silver spoon in their mouths, I was born with a Captain's hat on my head. See 5-13-07 for more details. So, yeah, ya hear that, Fingers?


Knudsen:
All I ask is that you make it quick and painless. Try not to mess up the face, if possible.


Ms Smack:
Yes, but I hear the vibration is good for the gums.


Rodrigo:
Eu sei já criar t-shirts bonitos.


Boob Lady:
No, but I am scheduled to see a Doctor in Switzerland who specializes in detachable-penis surgery. Which would solve several problems, actually.


Yas:
You've come at an odd time, dear. Do not be frightened. Next time, get drunk beforehand, that usually helps.

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mist1 said...

Please post something about my crotch. I am suffering from crotch block and cannot come up with a single new thing to write about it. I hate when I get crotch block, don't you?

The Boob Lady said...

Let me know if you need any post-op help.

Prunella Jones said...

Oh no! I just got a mental picture of Jesus orally pleasuring himself and I can't get rid of it. What should I do? Will God smite me dead with a lightening bolt? I think I feel another case of the stigmata coming on. I better go put on some old clothes before the blood starts dripping too bad. Thanks a lot, Captain!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

You tube downloads great to use up osts.
Try copying and pasting the works of dead philosophers- find it gets more coments then when you post yourself.
Even posting the spam,from your inbox can work!

ariel said...

wow, Captain, that's an excellent bad post!

it must be stressing when starts feeling like homework.

alexgirl said...

Good post, even if it did feel mega stressful to come up with.
Can't believe I look THAT much like your ex. Sorry, I guess... not sure what the protocol is with that.
Thanks for visiting my blog!

Captain Smack said...

Mutley:
Oh, you whore. You filthy, filthy whore. What's in it for me?


Mist:
More than happy to do that, ma'am, but you should know that I'm like Michael Chriton, in that I like to research the hell out of something before writing about it.


Boob Lady:
I certainly will, and I may need some pre-op help as well. It's a very complicated procedure. I'll have to make sure to also have a GPS device installed, in case I wake up hungover some morning and can't find it, which is sure to happen.


Prunella Jones:
Don't freak out, Prunella, just say 69 Hail Marys and you should be alright. Don't try to eat any M&M's until the stigmata clears up.


Ingsoc:
I already do do that. What, you don't think that Elvis Presley and Charles Manson are philosophers?


Ariel
Thanks, Ariel. I'm just glad I have Jesus, Elvis and Manson to bail me out.


Alex
Yes, it's quite freaky. I hope the idea of having a doppleganger doesn't freak you out too much. If I ever see her again, I'll have to show her that.

Big Orange (a.k.a. "Uncle Moonpie") said...

is there something wrong with me that I was momentarily disapointed that the video was NOT of some dude suckin' his donger? I mean, if I COULD do that, I'd never leave the house!!

ELVIS: "dude, that's a variation on George Carlin. They've heard that one before."

BIG ORANGE: "shit. Well, I'm kinda' at a creative low right now..."

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About Me

My photo
People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.