I'm hilarious. Really, ask anyone. It's a gift. And I know I probably make it look easy, as if the hilarity just magically rolls off my tongue (or fingers, whatever) and onto the internet. But it's not always so easy. This crap actually takes a lot of work. I have to get right into The Zone to pull it off, or else it comes out sounding all phony and pretentious, like I'm full of myself or something.
It's all in the details. Take this paragraph, for example, the one you're reading right now. You think I just typed this out in one fell swoop? No no no - it's much more complicated than that. It may only take you 15 or 20 seconds to read this paragraph, but it took me about 15 minutes to write it. And that's just one paragraph!
But I don't mind. Really. The way I figure it, if you good people are nice enough to drop by and let me bend your ear, then I want you to get your money's worth. Also, I figure I'll somehow, eventually, get laid for doing this... and even though I'm not sure how that's supposed to work logistically, it's enough to keep my fingers on the keyboard, and that's what matters.
The bad news is: I'm starting to feel a lot of pressure. I've created this “buzz”, apparently, and now it's starting to kind of stress me out. Every since Steph "outed" me, I feel like every post has to be totally hilarious, like I have to completely nail it. But I can't do that every time! I'm not a freaking comedy machine, you know! And then Ploop wanted me to write something about “How to Win an Argument”, but I can't seem to get it finished... and I already used up my snake story (which I was actually planning to save for a rainy day)... and I don't want to toss out too many Jesus/Elvis stories at once, or everyone will get tired of them, and Jesus Christ, people - get off my fucking back already!
I'm Sorry. I didn't mean to yell. But you see what I'm saying? It's starting to get to me. Hey, I'm a pretty laid back guy, but even The Captain has bad days. I don't do drugs like I used to, you know.
So I've thought about it, and here's what I'm going to do: Instead of worrying my pretty little head about it, instead of hoping that the next post isn't the first one that totally bombs, I'm just going to go ahead and confront my fears, head on. I'm just going to go ahead and do a really lousy post, and bust my own bad-post cherry. Just get it over with. Fuck it.
So, alright. Here goes. One lousy post, coming up:
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen - welcome to "This is Your Captain Speaking"! The blog that keeps it realer than a mofo! Tonight's post is sponsored by "DUI Malt Liquor. The Malt Liquor for guys who just don't give a shit anymore".
And now, your host: Caaaaaaptain Smaaaaack!
Smack: Hey! Hey there, everybody! Thank you, thank you. Hey, it's great to be here. No, thank you. Please, sit down. No, please, really... c'mon, sit down... you're embarrassing me. Alright. Ok, thanks. Say... you ever notice how, at restaurants, they always put your salad in a tiny little bowl? What's up with that? I mean, hey, I'd like to be able to at least stir in the fucking dressing without getting it all over the table! You know? Huh? Huh?
Audience: (polite laughter)
Smack: Yeah. And why do they always put a giant slice of tomato in there? What's that all about? I'm supposed to stick this big fucking piece of tomato in my mouth? I mean, I know I got a big mouth, but really!
Audience: (one person laughs. someone else coughs.)
Smack: Hey, you ever notice how guys will never ask for directions? It's because they're stubborn... and, uh... well, you know how guys are... (taps microphone) hey, is this thing on?
Audience: (uncomfortable silence)
Smack: (clears throat, wipes sweat off face) Boy, that Kim Jong Il, he's a nut case, huh? Am I right? Am I right? Hey, you know what would be funny? A midget in quicksand!
Audience: “C'mon, man!” and “You already did that one!”
Smack: Oh, yeah... I did, didn't I... alright, ok, here's something – you ever notice how George Bush looks sort of like a monkey? No, really. He really does, kind of... I have some pictures around here somewhere...
Audience: “Man, that's old” and “Everyone's done that bit” and “come on, Smack, be funny!”
Smack: Um... ok... well, I could do a meme, I guess... want me to do a meme? Oh, here's one: What type of venereal disease are you? That sounds kind of humorous...
Audience: “memes are lame, man.” and “I thought Steph said this guy was supposed to be funny...”
Smack: Ok, I got it, I got it - wanna hear another story about my penis?
Audience: (Applause) and “yeah, that's better” and “yeah, more penis stories!”
Smack: Yeah, I thought you'd like that. Ok, here we go.
Interesting Things I've Done to My Penis: Part Three
Ahem. You ready?
Audience: “Yeah!” and “Oh, these are always good”
Smack: Now, this one's really funny... Ok, this one time? When I was, like, sixteen? I sucked it. I sucked my own penis!
Audience: (Shocked silence)
Smack: Isn't that hilarious? No, really... I had to get my back real limber, and... um... I, you know...
Audience: “Dude... that's not cool...” and “what are ya, gay or something?” and “Booo!”
Smack: What? I mean, it's not gay if... you know... if it's your own... um... Ok, look, I, uh, I gotta go. I... I got a lot of work to catch up on. Plus, I have a cold. Or maybe the flu. Yeah. So, like, here, watch this you-tube video... it's pretty funny...
(Later, back stage)
Elvis: Man... you really bombed out there. What happened?
Smack: I know. That was pretty bad.
Jesus: Hey, listen, don't worry about it, Smack. They can't all be winners, you know.
Smack: Yeah, well... I guess it had to happen eventually...
Elvis: Nah, man, I'm serious. That was awful. It was kinda' hard to watch.
Manson: Well, I thought it was brilliant. Why DO they always put salads in such small bowls?
Elvis: Well, hey, man. At least the video was funny...
Manson: I liked your routine, Captain, I don't care what anyone says. It was, like... performance art. Or something.
Smack: Thanks, Charlie. Say, listen... you guys wanna get a beer or something? I'm ready to drink. A lot.
Elvis: Now, that's what I'm talking about. Let's blow this pop sickle stand. Hey, guys - drinks are on me!
Smack: Listen, you guys - thanks. Really, I appreciate it.
Jesus: Well, hey... look on the bright side, Smack - at least they didn't nail you to anything.
Smack: Yeah, that's true. There's always that.
(later that night, when everyone's good and drunk)
Elvis: So listen, man. That one you did about you sucking your own, uh, you know...
Elvis: Was that, like, for real? I mean, you didn't really do that, did you?
Smack: Well... yeah, actually.
Elvis: Well, then I just gotta ask you one thing, man... How? How'd you do that?
Smack: I got two words for you, Elvis; Muscle Relaxers.
Elvis: Oh, hell, man. I got a bunch of those. No problem.
Manson: Or yoga. Yoga works, too.
Jesus: Oh, yeah, yoga definitely works.
(everyone looks at Jesus)
Jesus: What? I'm just saying.