Thursday, May 24, 2007

An Amusing Anecdote

This happened about 6 months ago.


It was about 1 in the morning and I was diligently working on my computer. I went to the bathroom to pee. I stayed in the bathroom a while, acting out in front of the mirror. I do this pretty regularly. I have these very animated conversations with myself, sometimes playing out both parts of the conversation. It's like I'm putting on a little play for myself. (I also have “real life” friends, by the way.)

Anyway, I got caught up in whatever scenario I was acting out, so I was in there for maybe 5 or 10 minutes. When I'd finished screwing around, and was ready to buckle down again and bring home the bacon, I went back to my room and sat down in front of my computer. That's when I noticed something on top of the computer monitor.

Let's back up:
The day before I had been sound-proofing my room, and I had some left over pieces of weather stripping laying around.

So anyway:
There's a piece of weather stripping laying on top of my computer monitor.

Let's back up again (sorry):
I keep the lighting pretty low in my room. I'm all about mood, and am kind of fanatical when it comes to indirect lighting. Therefore, I just use a single, small lamp that sits on the floor. Because of this, a shadow is cast above the computer monitor, so it's fairly dark up there. Also, when you factor in the light emitting from the front of the monitor, which creates a silhouette effect, then it is indeed one of the darkest areas of the room (if you're sitting directly in front of the computer, which I was).

Got all that? I'm explaining this so you'll understand why I did what I did.

This is what I did:
I reached up and grabbed the piece of weather stripping on top of my monitor.

Which would've been fine, except that it turned out not to be a piece of weather stripping after all. It was actually a snake, and it bit me. I mean, it viciously bit the FUCK out of me.

Naturally, I was quite surprised.

I jumped up and turned on the main overhead light. “HOLY SHIT!” I exclaimed loudly. My heart was pounding. I looked at my hand, which was now bleeding. That thing really bit the crap out of me.

The snake was about 3 feet long and had brownish-gray markings. I knew I had to capture it, because if it was poisonous, then I'd have to be able to identify it in order to get the proper antivenin. You can't just tell the doctor you were bitten by a snake, you know; they need to know exactly what kind of snake it was.

I didn't feel like dying just then. I wasn't ready to die. There were so many things I wanted to do with my life. I still had never had sex with a black woman, for example. And other stuff, too.

I immediately pulled my t-shirt off and went after the snake. I intended to use the shirt as a protective “glove” of sorts; something to gather the the snake up in so that it wouldn't bite me again. The snake was sliding down off of my work table and onto the floor. I have lots of electronic equipment in this room, with lots of cables everywhere and there were many places for a snake to hide, so I had to get this fucker fast.

The poor snake is panicking too, and just trying to get the hell away from me. We're both pretty freaked out at this point, and wishing we'd never met each other. He's trying to slither behind a guitar amp, and I'm yelling at him “Oh, no you don't, you little fucker!” I finally clamp down on the slithering little cocksucker and successfully gather him up into my shirt. A t-shirt is not the best snake-catching tool, but I was motivated, and made it work.

Let's back up again (sorry, last time):
Before I continue, I should explain something: I have a weird thing about snakes. Always have. It's not that I'm scared of them - I'm not. I just seem to get into situations with them more often than other people. One might even use the word “mystical” to describe my apparent connection with snakes. In fact, people have; all my friends know about my weird “snake thing”. I know it sounds kind of flaky, but what can I say? Sometimes the truth is flaky. I don't make the rules. Snakes and I are just drawn to each other. Same thing with lesbians, but that's another story.

The very first snake incident happened when I was about 3 years old. I picked up a handful of baby rattlesnakes (which are just as deadly as adult rattlesnakes, by the way) and held them up to my mom, saying “Look, mommy! Look at the pretty worms!”

So that's the first incident - of many. I have no idea what it means. But, in any case, it's because of all this that I've pondered that my death may be delivered via snake bite. It's not something I ever sat around worrying about, but it had crossed my mind many times.

Well, this time I was worrying about it.

Anyway, back to the story:
So now I've got this long, wiggly bastard clutched within my t-shirt, and I'm in the kitchen looking for a jar or something to get him into. I find a big, glass candy jar from last Christmas. It has a lid. Perfect. I get him in there (which wasn't easy to do, believe me), and put the lid on. Ok, so that's taken care of.

I look at the snake, now safely imprisoned inside the jar. It looks like it could be a harmless oak snake... but it also looks like it might be a timber rattler. If it is a timber rattler, I'd definitely need to go to the hospital. I'm checking out the head to see how triangular it is, but the head looks kind of questionable.

Hm.

Time to get on the internet.

I do a quick google image search for “timber rattler”, then “oak snake”. I get several pictures, but I really can't tell. There's some variation in each species, and my guy looks kind of in between.

I turn my attention to my bleeding hand. I'd been bitten by non-poisonous snakes before, and it was never all that different from getting bit by a lizard, really; relatively painless, and certainly no blood. But this one was different. I'm bleeding, and I know that if this snake is poisonous, then I'm fucked.

Shit. Guess I have to call a fucking ambulance.

I call 911 and a nice man tells me to sit down, relax, and keep my hand low. He says to sit tight and the ambulance will be on its way. So I sit and wait for the ambulance.

The ambulance gets there within a few minutes, and I walk out to the front yard with my jar. It's a man and a women paramedic, and I show them the snake. They both look at him, but they, too, are unable to figure out if the little shit head is poisonous or not. In a way, this makes me feel better (I may be about to die, but at least I'm not crazy), but it doesn't solve my problem. They look at my hand. The woman says, “I can't tell you if this snake is poisonous or not, but I have treated snake bites before, and it's always looked like two large fang wounds.”

“Like a vampire bite?” I say.

“Like a vampire bite.” she says.

They ask me if I want to go to the hospital. It's up to me. I look at my bite, which isn't bleeding anymore, and doesn't look anything like a vampire bite. I tell them, nah, it's cool... if I start feeling sick, I'll call them back. I'm not seriously worried at this point, but the experience has left me a little shaken. Getting bit by a snake while you're working on your computer is like getting into a car accident while you're taking a shower. It's very alarming, and takes a while to shake off.

The ambulance pulls away. I take my snake back inside the house, and sit on the sofa. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to die. And even if I did, I probably would never have hooked up with a black chick anyway. Whenever I try to talk to black girls, they always look at me like I'm from another planet or something. I don't know why. I'm always very nice about it.

But now that I'm just chillin' on the couch, watching over my vital signs, I start thinking. How the fuck did that snake get in my room in the first place? Why was he just sitting there, on top of my monitor? That's really fucking weird... and out of all the non-poisonous snakes in this region, why did it just happen to be the one snake that looks the closest to a timber rattler?

Weird.

I started to feel like someone up there had set me up. Was this a warning? Like in those mob movies? Was somebody trying to tell me something? I started to get emotional.

I considered that I should change my life. I should be a better person. I should help people. There are certainly a lot of people out there who need it. I thought about old friends that I'd fallen out of touch with along the way. I should get back in touch with those people. Relationships are what give life its meaning.

Maybe the snake was actually a gift, and was sent here to save my soul. I've always been kind of a fuck up, wasting my potential on things that don't last. Maybe it's time I stop screwing around, and finally get serious about life... time to settle down, start a family. Raise a kid.

That would be beautiful.

But then I was like “fuck that”, and got drunk instead. Hey, I'm not going to let some cocksucking snake tell me how to live my fucking life. Besides. Even if I can't persuade some black chick to have sex with me, I can always just get a prostitute. I'm not above that.

85 comments:

Miss B said...

heh... that's right hon, you do what YOU wanna do... and i'm sure there's some black chick somewhere who'll do ya ;)

mine's birds... fuckers fly at my jeep while i'm drivin' down the road - out of nowhere, off the ground, out from underneath overpasses... i hit at least one a month-i'm 'bout ready to put one of those deer guards on the front...

mist1 said...

I can help you with that sex with a black woman thing. Okay, technically a half black woman (I prefer to be called Halfrican), but that still counts, right?

Neily said...

If you go to San Francisco there are plenty of half black women there only they are half male and half female

Miss B said...

lmao neily... that's not even right!

Erica AP said...

I had no idea you were so sensitive... Now I'm in love the with the Captain Snake Charmer.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I actually prefer black women myself- then again, there's less of a barrier here in Britain.

They have an sexuality most white girls lack.

That's just my opinion, anyway.

Travis said...

That fucking snake is just the man trying to keep you down....

The Little Cheese said...

I'm impressed, if I found a snake on my monitor I would freak out, but then we only really have grass snakes in Blighty.

Oh and I have plenty of sexuality thank you (that was to Crushed)!!

Captain Smack said...

Miss B:
Birds, huh? If I had walked into my room and seen a Bluejay sitting there, that would've been kind of nice. Although it probably would've been a Raven. And it probably would've started squawking something at me, like "nevermore" or "get your shit together, dude!".


Mist:
Alright, now we're getting somewhere. To be honest, I was kind of hoping for the high-contrast thing, but I'm totally flexible.


Neily:
How does that break down? Which half is the black half, the male half? I dunno, I try to be open minded, but I'm not sure if that would work for me.


Erica:
Oh, hell yeah - I'm, like, totally sensitive. I even write poems, and cried when I watched Harold and Maude.


Ingsoc:
I suspect you're probably right, and I'll take your word for it. I live in the South USA, it's a little more uptight here.


Travis:
Exactly. He may have been able to pull one on Eve, but I ain't falling for that shit.

Captain Smack said...

Little Cheese:
Really? No poisonous snakes in your neck of the woods? I did not know that. For some reason, that strikes me as very odd. One less thing to worry about, I guess.

morbid misanthrope said...

Perhaps you were tied to snakes by the snake god Danh, who circles the world and prevents it from breaking apart. I seem to have a similar connection to telemarketers, although they usually don't sit on my computer monitor.

I do hope once you got drunk you kicked that snake's ass. I would have whip-snapped the fucker's head off and worn its body like a headband.

If MTV has taught me anything, it's that as soon as you start pouring expensive alcohol on the ground, black women show up and start dancing in it. Maybe that will help you.

UBERMOUTH said...

Smackers- Personally, I think the snake was trying to rush to the vet to get the I just bit a really foul mouthed fucker ant-venom. Great story if you hadn't felt the need to accost our sensibilities with such vile language.
Ingsoc-yeah and I am partial to tall, muscular, rich men with 12 inches.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Are you certain this wasn't just an LSD flashback or something, and maybe the scenerio you acted out in the bathroom was really your own penis getting mad at you for all the interesting things you have done with it? By the way, was the snake as long as...

ummm...your....

oh never mind. I don't want to know, especially if it bites.

Captain Smack said...

Morbid:
Thanks for the tip. I tried pouring alcohol on the ground, but all I had was Pabst Blue Ribbon, and a bunch of dirty, toothless hillbilly chicks showed up. I guess I should invest in a quart of 8-Ball.


UBERMOUTH:
Sorry, Ube, I'll try to fucking clean my shit up for you next time.

By the way, I see we've gone from 8 to 12 now. You sure you're doing your tantric exercises correctly?


Shelly:
Well, the snake was about 3 feet long, and, as you may know, my thing's roughly the size of a baby's arm. And it doesn't bite like a rattlesnake, but it does spit like a cobra.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Have you ever thought of coming to Africa to hook up with a black woman? I've heard they give you less attitude if you don't perform like a black man. We've got plenty of snakes as well, but they keep their distance from mating humans. Naked butts spook them.

jungle jane said...

Was the snake black??

If so, you could try this:

http://www.uselessjunk.com/article_full.php?id=20717

You're welcome...

Fat Sparrow said...

Aaaaarrrrghhh.... Aaaaarrrghh.... I swore I wouldn't.... Must not.... No.... Can't help myself....

There are no poisonous snakes. Snakes are only venomous. If you bite it and you become sick, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you become sick, it's venomous.

(pants rapidly) Sorry. I'll try to control myself in the future.

Now, do we want to know why you're soundproofing your room, or is it better we just wait and find out about it on the news?

UBERMOUTH said...

Good line fatty, however don't be correcting a genuis! Bad form. I can "take her" Smack- just say the word.

ariel said...

it was just too funny. glad you're better. :-P

Miss B said...

lmfao uber... tall, rich, muscular and 12 works...

captain, hon, you just haven't met the right woman here in the US... 'coz I know a little buckeye blonde who's got a LOTTA sexuality goin' on... *wink*

ariel said...

this ambulance thing impresses me. here, it can take half an hour until you can talk to them, then another till they get to your house. and if you say that you don't need them then but will call them again if you do... well, they won't beat you if the neighbours watch but the next time you call them, they'll be so busy that it'll take them half a day to get to your house.

The Little Cheese said...

...Having said that Captain, with your past experience with snakes I assume that if you holiday in London the place will be swarming with them. Maybe they just follow you every like you are the pied piper of reptiles?

Captain Smack said...

Gorilla Bananas:
No, GB, I can honestly say that I have never considered going to Africa to meet black women.


Jane:
The snake was multi-colored, but
thank you for the link to that lovely video. Too bad Sigmund is no longer around to see that.


Fat Sparrow:
You are obviously a bird who likes to see things done correctly. I admire that, so I thought you might be interested in this:
American Heritage Dictionary -
poi·son·ous (poi'zə-nəs) adj.
Capable of harming or killing by or as if by poison; toxic or venomous.
Containing a poison.

As for my reasons for soundproofing, you may find clues in the preceding post.


Ube:
Easy, girl... easy. I don't think the bird's going to give us any more trouble... but stick around just in case.


Miss B:
I've met lots of right women in the US, they're just always whities. Not that I'd kick a buckeye blond out of bed or anything...


Ariel:
Yes, this is the second time I've ever had an ambulance come for me, and the first time I was in a bicycle accident right in front of a hospital. The town I currently live in, it doesn't take long at all, especially at 1 in the morning on a weekday. I used to live in New Orleans, and that would have been a different story.


Little Cheese:
Good point. On the ride over, I'd be like Samuel Jackson: Get these muthafuckin' snakes OFF this muthafuckin' PLANE!

Fat Sparrow said...

Oh no, the American Heritage! (faints dead away) Philistine! You can't use that to trump the herpetological definition when you're actually taking about snakes.

You're not letting this fool you, right? You know I want you. This is foreplay.

Manuel said...

"Getting bit by a snake while you're working on your computer is like getting into a car accident while you're taking a shower." BEAUTIFUL

"can't persuade some black chick to have sex with me, I can always just get a prostitute. I'm not above that." VERY BEAUTIFUL

UBERMOUTH said...

Careful Capt- seems like Fatty is suggesting she has herpes.:)

UBERMOUTH said...

Careful Capt- seems like Fatty is suggesting she has herpes.:)

UBERMOUTH said...

Fat Sparrow said...
Oh no, the American Heritage! (faints dead away) Philistine! You can't use that to trump the herpetological definition when you're actually taking about snakes.

I don't mean to get all anal and hypocritical , as I am the first to admit that even I am capable of making mistakes, BUT don't you mean 'taLking about snakes.......?"
* This is just lesbian 'foreplay'btw

Captain Smack said...

Fat Sparrow:
Uh oh, Sparrow, you've stirred the UBERMOUTH... be very careful. Move slowly and do not make direct eye contact.


Manuel:
That first one, about the car accident, is my favorite line in the post, and was how I described it to my brother on the phone the next day.


Ube:
Watching you attack Sparrow... I think another grenade just went off. You're gonna wear me out, woman.

The Boob Lady said...

Wanna make out?

Fat Sparrow said...

"* This is just lesbian 'foreplay'btw"

Excellent; does that mean we're all on for a threesome? I can take the snake or not, if you know what I mean.

Captain Smack said...

Boob Lady:
Yes. Yes I do. In fact, I couldn't wait, and have already started without you. Please hurry.


Sparrow:
It's cool with me, Sparrow, but I should warn you - Ube's idea of foreplay usually involves strangulation and/or cigarette burns, so I hope you know what you're getting into.

Fat Sparrow said...

"foreplay usually involves strangulation and/or cigarette burns"

I'll have to check and see if my health insurance covers that.

And not to worry; I do not have herpes. You cannot get herpes from stuffing a snake up your snatch.

Not that I have done anything like that.

Trundling Grunt said...

I love the fact that you get bitten by a snake that could well be hideously poisonous, yet you sit down and google it.
Also that you ring 911 after catching the little bugger and they tell you to relax. How do you relax when you think you're dying of a snake bite?

As to the black woman thing - why didn't you call for one of them at the same time just in case?

The Boob Lady said...

Wait for me!! I'll be there soon, I don't want you to have chapped lips!

Captain Smack said...

Sparrow:
A bird with a snake up it's snatch... I can't tell if that's Freudian, Jungian, or Pink Floydian...


Trundling Grunt:
you get bitten by a snake that could well be hideously poisonous, yet you sit down and google it.

I was wondering if someone was going to mention that. I think that I just wanted to quickly eliminate the possibility that the snake was poisonous, for my own piece of mind. When I saw how closely my snake resembled the rattler, I abandoned that idea, and called 911.

I probably spent less than two minutes on Google, but, in retrospect, I should have called 911 first and then Goggled it.

For the sake of brevity, I skipped over some of the actual conversation with the 911 guy in the story - but I did, in fact, mention to the guy that it's difficult to relax when you've just been bitten by a snake. He asked me if I felt "unusual", and I said, well, yeah, I was pretty freaked out at the moment... but I said it in a very relaxed, even humorous way.

That was the strangest part of the whole thing, that I was pretty freaked out on one level, but, by all outward appearances, I seemed completely calm and not worried at all. It was like some automatic survival function kicked in and told me "do not expend any more energy on this than you have to", sort of a panic-override mechanism.

As for calling for a black woman, that would have been a good idea, and if the whole ordeal had taken place in Las Vegas, I probably would have.


Boob Lady:
bfuh uumfs shmph hhhaaff... phvu vfu...

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Did the snake get drunk too, or did it just have to sit in the bottle like a poon watching you get wasted??

Helen said...

This is the second snake story I've heard this week (it's Sunday), and the first involved a 6 foot python on the loose at my girlfriend's farm (Ok, who the hell knew how long it was, really, big-ass snake is the best description). What's with the snakes?

mutleythedog said...

Have you survived Captain?Only I have a bet on the Oak snake/identity thing and if you are dead I win £25.00. Please let me know...

Captain Smack said...

Pixie Sprinkle:
He stayed in the jar until the next day, just in case I started getting sick.

Your question reminds me: A while back, I was at a bar telling this girl about the whole thing. She's a PETA person, and after telling the story, the first and only question she asked was "what happened to the snake?", and she was totally serious, and concerned about it. I told her "I let the snake go the next day. Oh, and I didn't die either, by the way"


Helen:
I don't know, Helen, but a python loose in Ohio... that should liven things up a bit.

Captain Smack said...

Mutley:
I'm not sure if you win the bet or not, Mutley. It's sort of like that Obi Wan Kenobi thing. Technically, the snake destroyed me, but in my new form I am only more powerful.

The Boob Lady said...

Does that mean your lips are chapped?

Captain Smack said...

Exactly.

(I was wondering if you'd get that...)

Old Knudsen said...

Nothing like a Nubian mattress monster, you need to get out there and apply yerself more or just own a plantation like I did, the Thomas Jefferson way, he was a right cunt . The snake was just a warning, a little something I do to fellow bloggers. the next time yer bitten by a snake suck out the venom and use a knife to cut out an inch square of flesh and then seal it up with a red hot poker.

Kav said...

Tell the truth: there was no snake, was there? It was a dog, wasn't it? And he didn't bite you, he licked you and wagged his tail.

Jesus, quit exaggerating.

Prunella Jones said...

I know what you mean. I am forever running into snakes myself in the weirdest places. Luckily they are of the trouser snake variety who never bite but merely spit.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

If you ever do settle down and have a kid let me know. My kids need playmates that don't faint when they break out the jumper cables.

Beefcake Almighty said...

I thought I was bitten by a Copperhead once before.

Turns out I wasn't. I was just really bored.

iLL Man said...

Good goin on that one. It takes something special to think rationally in the face of possible imminent mortality.

You should listen to Knudsen, they eat their young where he comes from.....

Captain Smack said...

Mr. Knudsen:
Apply myself, suck, cut, hot poker... ok, I think I got all that, all very practical advice. Thank you.


Kav:
Ok, you git me. It wasn't a snake. It was actually a very large worm. Well, ok, a small work. It was still scary, though.


Prunella:
I dunno... the One-Eyed Trouser Snake can be just as deadly as the other kinds.


Queen of Dysfunction:
I hear you. The kids today, with their "safe" toys... I'll take jumper cables over Legos any day.


Beefcake Almighty:
Well, if you ever get really bored, I hear that if you drink the venom of a Copperhead, it acts as a hallucinogenic. That's what I heard.


Ill Man:
Thank you, although it was pointed out by Trundling Grunt that immediately after a snake bite might not be the best time to surf the web. But other than that, I thought I did ok.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I think, you're right. Someone might well be trying to tell you something and, although I'm no expert in early 21st century other-worldy messaging systems, I'd say that Someone was telling you to stay the fuck away from snakes.

You've been bitten by a lizard too? You're not a mouse, are you? A mole? It's hard to tell on the internet these days; you don't need opposable thumbs to type.

Captain Smack said...

Oh, hell, I've been bitten by lots of lizards. I played with them as a kid. Didn't you? Didn't everybody?

mutleythedog said...

OK -I have a large blackspot - and I am ready for sex - technically I am not a chick but I am warm and wet and after a while you would not notice...

Todd said...

Thanks to you there's a brown stain on my sheets from where I dropped my spoon of chocolate ice cream while laughing from this post.

Captain Smack said...

Mutley:
Well, I guess if I can't have the real thing, then that will just have to do. It's a good thing I keep my standards so low.


Todd:
So you're laying in bed, eating chocolate icecream and reading my post. I guess there's nothing wrong with that, and I'm sure it's all completely innocent; but something about that just sounds... dirty...

The Boob Lady said...

Use some Chap Stick, I need soft lips to suck on.

Pink Drama said...

you are so noncholant (i have no clue how that's really spelled, nor do i give a crap at this moment) about the snake biting you and everything. i would have been scared so bad i would have wet my pants, passed out, and probably ended up dying from hitting my head on the way down.

p.s. erm, the paramedics were obviously dumbasses. they were supposed to take you to the doctor anyway. obviously, you don't live in the south. down here, everyone and their grandmomma would have known what happened before the paramedics would have been called.

Captain Smack said...

Boob Lady:
Alright, I'm all moisturized and ready to go. Let's get to it. I should warn you, though - I never go past first base on the first date, so don't get carried away.


Pink Drama:
Well, at least I didn't wet myself. But then, I had just gone to the bathroom to pee, so maybe that's why.

Rosanna said...

A snake?

Man, you are FULL of surprises!

K8 said...

Maybe the snake turned you into a superhero. Maybe you have the power to disguise yourself as weather stripping now. Lucky you.

kiki said...

fully dude
you don't want to go around listening to snakes... look what happened to adam and eve?

Pink Drama said...

and harry potter.

sorry, i couldn't resist.

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Thanks for the muff shot Smack!! You don't mind if I tell everyone its yours???

UBERMOUTH said...

Who are all these hos jumping all over you? Haven't you told them about ME?

Captain Smack said...

Rosanna:
Hey, that's just how I roll, baby.


K8:
Funny you should say that. A friend of mine (a few years ago) told me about a dream she had in which I was being bitten by a snake, and it was giving me super powers. In the dream I was saying "I'm the snaaaake maaaaan!".


kiki:
Exactly. Snakes have NEVER given good advice.


Pink Drama:
Sorry, I don't know anything about Harry Potter... I know about Potsy, though. From Happy Days.


Pixie Sprinkle:
My pleasure, Pixie. And sure, tell them, I don't care. What can I say? I'm a big Willie Nelson fan.


UBERMOUTH:
Ube, baby... sweetheart... you know these other chicks don't mean anything to me! I was just messin' around. I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing... it doesn't mean anything, I swear!

Zoning Out Again said...

I'm still working like a slobb an don't have spare time for squat but I just wanted to get on for a quicky and knew I'd get a serious laugh if I came straight to your place!

So I'm here. I'm L'ingMAO!
BTW I haven't had the chance lately to tell you I love you! So there it is. I love you Captain!
LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU WITH A PASSION!
(I see that everyone else is slobbering all over you and just like a sale at Christmas decided I'd better get me some too, even though I have no idea what it is I'm getting. Everyone else wants it, and therefore I must have it!) :0)
Whatever... anyone who acts out little plays for themselves in the mirror on a regular basis has got to be my soulmate!

The serial killer post down there is a bit scary tho'!

lulu said...

Where the hell do you live that snakes come wandering into your home? DO you not lock the doors? I don't know much about snakes, but I would think that it wouldn't be hard to snake-proof your home. We had a mouse once, and that freaked the shit out of me; a snake would require therapy. (Therapy for me, not the snake.)

Eddie Waring said...

Fat Sparrow recommended you so consider yourself linked. I know a black chick who would fuck you. Well, I'm not 100% certain that it is a real chick, as in was actually born a woman, but she looks the part. Goes by the name of Mickey, so who knows?
I have his number if you are interested.

Captain Smack said...

Zoning:
Alright, calm down, Little Big Tits... there's plenty Captain to go around, let's not start a feeding frenzy. By the way, you kind of remind me Susan, from Desperate Housewives. Yes, I watch Desperate Housewives. I'm not ashamed.


Lulu:
I had a window open and the screen was not so tight... also, later, a friend pointed out that the snake probably got on top of my monitor because it's warm up there. For a couple of weeks afterwords, I would consciously check the top of the monitor whenever I entered the room.


Eddie:
I've not quite hit that level of desperation (yet), but hang onto that number for me, ok?

fingers said...

Yo, Captain my captain !!!
Re black chicks; they are awesome in the sack.
I had a black girlfriend for 12 months; she just loved it.
I used to tie her up during sex.
She didn't like that so much but it did stop her nicking the cutlery while I was sleeping afterwards...

The Boob Lady said...

I don't go past first base on the first date either. Some heavy petting by the fourth might be okay though.

Steph said...

Your snakes are really PUSSIES! If you were in Australia and a snake bit you, your sad arse would be dead within minutes!!

Zoning Out Again said...

Okay, I took a cold shower and I'm better now. I think.

You never go past first base on the first date???!!! I don't know man...that whole melon/fan amusement park you built for your little friend there and the constant talk about you getting to know yourself like no one else can, leads me to believe you don't have a whole lot of first dates.

But that's okay man...That can all change now. Just keep on rolling out the funny stuff and you'll reel us all in and maybe get a few cyber dates out of this blogging stuff.
Just put me on the list and everything will turn out just fine.

And yeah, it's weird you mentioned Susan from Desperate Housewives.
I've gotten that a few times, but I'm sure people were referring to how clumsey I am and not the physical appearance. Don't be ashamed about watching the show. We know all men who watch it are just in it for the hot women, scandalous storyline and hot women. I read your bio... I get it.

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Careful of PETA chicks...they root with their cats on their beds...

Ms Smack said...

He was probably just keeping warm on your computer. Geez, why the fuss?

Once when I was out drinking, I held onto a beautiful snake for a few minutes while the owner had a slash.

I wrote about it in Sept 06, if you are completely bored and want to read the archives.

Captain Smack said...

Fingers:
You had a black girlfriend? Wait, let me rephrase that - you had a girlfriend? I'm afraid I'm going to need some confirmation on that, Fingers. Tell her to send me a pic (preferably topless) so I know you're not just making this all up.


Boob Lady:
I'm really relieved to hear that. I was starting to feel like a piece of meat for a minute there. So first base is good for you? Awesome. (By the way - "first base" is the same as "reverse cowgirl", right? I mean, I know you're Canadian, but that's how we do it here in the States. And "heavy petting" is when you move in together and adopt cats, right?)


Steph:
I believe it, Steph. I hear you Aussies have spiders the size of dinner plates, and 10' tall kangaroos. If I ever visit, I'll be sure to bring body armor.


Zoning:
Don't get many first dates? You trying to provoke me, hot stuff? I'm onto you, girl.


Pixie Sprinkle:
Cats? I don't have a problem with that.

Captain Smack said...

Ms Smack:
Well, hello, Ms Smack. Haven't seen you in these parts for a while. Nice.

Yeah, that was actually what a friend of mine pointed out, that the snake was probably just trying to stay warm. But that's just a technicality. It's the whole "spiritual" aspect of it that makes it interesting. You know, like, what did it mean on a symbolic level... and all that stuff...

Ok, it was probably just a stupid coincidence.

I'll go look up your snake story right now, because I'd love to hear about you, drunk, playing with a snake. Maybe, then, I'll figure out what a "slash" is.

Ms Smack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Son of Incogneato said...

Hey Capt.!
I’m thinking that this post is way old but I couldn’t resist putting in my bit(e) in, too.
I was bitten on my right index finger many years ago by a European adder (Vipera berus) and I can tell you it was a real bitch. The story is almost as weird as yours and involves KAL flight 007, which was shot down over the Kamchatka Peninsula an hour before that fucking snake bit me. I ended up lying in a hospital bed in Moss, Norway for three days after almost dying due to a hyper-allergic reaction to the Zagreb antivenom they pumped into me to counteract the snake venom. I was finally released the day they were staging Carnival in the streets of Oslo. Being a drummer I had to participate and therefore spent the next twelve hours drunkenly pounding on my African Talking Drum with a snakebiten finger and chasing after lightly clad Norwegian women. Not smart. The drunkenly pounding bit, that is. Back to the hospital (this one in Oslo) where there was now talk of amputating said finger which was now so swollen and pissed off that it looked like a microwaved bratwurst about to explode. In any case they pumped me full of finger-saving drugs and Son is still the proud owner of two (2) index fingers.
You’re probably now wondering about where KAL flight 007 comes in. Well the story also involves four (4) junkies doing rehab, a bucket and an ex-wife, but it is all very complicated and a long story.
My point is this: don’t put your hand into buckets given to you by a small group of junkies doing rehab, telling you that the furious snake within is a harmless stålorm, while you are being distracted by a television broadcast telling you the USSR has just shot down a large commercial aircraft, all the while it is three days before Carnival in Oslo, Norway, especially if you are hyper-allergic to Zagreb antivenom. If you do you might regret it.

- Son

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About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.