This is Part One of what will be an ongoing series. I'm still in the process of gathering from memory the various penis-related incidents, and I'm now up to seven - no, wait, make that eight. I just remembered another one. In any case, I'm saving the best for last.
Part One: Jerked Off with Toothpaste
I was 15. Like most 15 year old boys, I was always on the lookout for new and creative ways to get off. I was a scientist, and my penis was the guinea pig (only less hairy). I'd already figured out how to have sex with various pieces of furniture around the house, and was now ready for something new, something different, something fresh. One day I was brushing my teeth, and I realized that the answer might be right in my own mouth.
“Hmmm...” I thought. “Close-Up toothpaste...” I was intrigued. It had an interesting consistency, all thick and gooey. It just might work. It also had a certain cool/hot quality, which might heighten the sensation a little. Plus, it was bright, translucent red, which seemed to say “you should totally jerk off with me”.
And so it came to pass. I smuggled the tube of toothpaste back to my room. This is just after dinner, so it's around 7 PM, and my parents are in the living room watching TV. I locked the door, got my pants off, squeezed out a nice big handful of red goo and got right to it.
The first thing I noticed was that it was indeed very thick. I had to use a little more effort than usual. There was a certain resistance to it - not completely unpleasant, but I really had to dig in there and put a little muscle behind it. No problem.
Next, I noticed a cool “tingling” sensation, just as I'd hoped for. Now, that was nice. My dick felt minty and fresh, just like in the commercials.
The tingling then became more of a “cold” tingling. A little more intense, but still fairly pleasant. But as it got colder and colder, I started getting slightly annoyed by it. It was distracting, and I was starting to have some serious doubts about the outcome of this experiment. Different is good, but not if it overshadows the end goal.
Then it got REALLY cold. Painfully cold. I felt like I was fucking a block of ice, or Laura Bush or something. It was definitely uncomfortable. “Ok, that's it” I decided. “Experiment over.” I yanked my pants back on and unlocked my door. I was actually in pain now, my face felt flushed, and I prayed that my parents wouldn't start talking to me as I bolted for the bathroom. It was getting more intense by the second, so as soon as I got into the bathroom, I quickly yanked down my Levi's, stuck my poor pecker in the sink and splashed cold water on it.
How I managed to not scream at that moment, I don't know.
When the water made contact, my penis immediately went from being frozen to being on fire. I Suddenly went from fucking a glacier to getting blown by a blow torch. I would never have imagined that something as benign and friendly as toothpaste could cause such agony. Absolutely excruciating.
Tears fell. Gods were cursed. A bunch of birds flew out of a tree.
Between the bolts of white hot lightning that went off in my brain, I saw images of my penis as a raw, swollen, pulsating red ball. I seriously wondered if the poor thing would ever be ok again. It was too young to be taken out of the game. I had a bright future of fucking ahead of me, and I was still a virgin!
I somehow worked through the pain and managed to wash off all of the Close-Up toothpaste. I limped back to my bedroom and watched over my member carefully for the next couple of hours. To my relief, it gradually went back to normal. Too sensitive for action, but I knew it was going to be ok. There was still a future.
And me and my penis lived happily ever after.
Sadly, this is not the scariest masturbation experience I've ever had (the most painful, yes, but not the scariest). That one's coming up in a future post, which involves (not kidding) a pocket full of change and a truck stop in Georgia.