Monday, April 9, 2007

VH1's Behind the Scenes: Captain Smack

It appears that I've been “tagged”. Apparently Shelly feels that the world needs to know more about The Captain. Oh Shelly, Shelly, Shelly. I guess I don't blame her. I'd like to know more about him myself.

There are two rules to this game. I am required to:

  1. Tag 5 other bloggers
  2. Tell you 5 things about myself that I have not yet revealed on my blog.

Considering the fact that my blog is exactly 10 days old, this shouldn't be a problem. Pretty much anything I tell you will be something you didn't know. For example, today's post was going to be about the time I jerked off with toothpaste. I'm pretty sure you didn't already know about that.

Some people get very personal on their blogs and tell you all about their current relationships, their parents, their kids, their dreams and aspirations, etc. Me, I talk about baboons, masturbation, and drugs. I'm a classy guy. But in the spirit of the game, I'll tell you 5 things of a more personal nature, things I probably wouldn't have mentioned otherwise.

1. Growing up, I had dyslexia.
At the elementary school I went to, they had me in special classes called SLD (Special Learning Disability) classes. I had trouble reading and writing because I would turn numbers and words around, so the word “Ton” would appear to me as “Not”. My brain would also recompose things in more complicated ways, like 5478 would be 4587, that sort of thing.

For some bizarre reason, SLD classes started about 15 minutes after 4th period, so about a quarter way into class, everything had to stop while the SLD lady came in and rounded up us “special” kids while the other unspecial kids sat at their desks and watched. It never bothered me, though, because at the time I thought I was going to LSD classes, which seemed pretty cool.

Apparently, I learned my way through it, because it's not a problem anymore. Maybe it's all the LSD I did later in life that helped to re-scramble my brain. Occasionally, though, if I'm really stressed, frustrated, or panicking about something, I trats scrambling things up again.

2. I once saw a UFO.
Now, I realize that after mentioning my LSD usage, a UFO story doesn't sound quite as credible, but what can I say? I wasn't on LSD at the time. Or any drug, for that matter. And when I say “UFO”, I'm not talking about a light dancing around way up in the sky - I'm talking about something that looks like it was straight out of Buck Rogers, and close enough that I probably could have hit it with a baseball.

What happened: A friend and I were going to her house (her driving), and we topped a hill. We both saw it sitting in the air, just above the tree tops, adjacent to the road. It was about the size of a McDonalds - one of the big ones with the play area for the kids – and it had sort of a pyramid top with a rectangular base. On the bottom were rectangular panels of light, and the pyramid area had smaller lights running along the corners, like that strip-lighting they put on the floor in movie theaters. So, yeah, it was totally a spaceship-looking thing.

We drove almost directly beneath it. It was about 6 PM, and there were plenty of other cars around, too, so lots of people had to see it. After we lost site of it, we turned around and went back, but it was gone. It wasn't scary at all, by the way.

3. I've been Arrested 5 times.
All minor stuff. DUI, Violation of probation, that sort of thing. Misdemeanors. Never for drugs, in case you're wondering (I was always extremely careful in that regard). Altogether, I've spent about a total of 5 days in jail. Once I got busted in New Orleans (down on Bourbon Street, just like the song) and had to spend 4 days in OPP, which is an actual prison, not a jail, because that's how they do things there. The other times I just sat in a holding cell for a few hours. Maybe I'll tell you about the New Orleans thing sometime, that one was actually kind of interesting.

I know that, to a lot of people, this sort of thing is the height of loserdom. I can certainly see it that way, but I also try to look at it from more of an artist's point of view. If you've never been captured and caged, try it some time. May not look good on your resume, but it sure as hell gives you some perspective on society. It is a thing unto its own.

4. My father died before I was born.
He died about 10 days before I was born. He was in the army, stationed overseas, and was literally on his way home to be with my mom for the birth. He was driving from the military base and got into a car accident. This, and the fact that my step father was an abusive asshole, is probably the main reason I have so much “character”.

When I was very young, my mom would tell me, from time to time, that my father was “gone”, and when I finally had the capacity to understand what that meant I FREAKED out. I was hysterical, and made her promise that she would never go away. She hasn't, which is good. I don't actually remember her telling me he was gone, or me being hysterical (I was 3), but she told me about that later. According to those who knew my father, I'm so much like him that it's freaky.

5. I once fucked a girl, high as hell, on the floor of a church.
I thought I would end this on a positive note. This isn't a “deep, dark secret” of course, but it just popped into my head, made it's way through my fingers, and here it is now, on the internet. Mom would be so proud.

We were so high that I don't even know how we ended up outside a church, or what our motivation was for breaking in in the first place (I think we noticed an open transom or something), but we ended up inside, admiring the big Jesus cross. It was winter and was literally freezing cold. I was trying to figure out how to turn the organ on (yeah, I see the pun) and we started kissing, and one thing led to another. Once I was inside her, it became very intense. The cold, the cross, the fact that we were in a church, plus the fact that we had this amazing sexual chemistry with each other. It was transcendent. A religious experience (a sacreligious experience?), yet very animal and base. Definitely one of the top ten fucks on my “Top Ten Fucks” list.

Great. Now I'm horny again. I'll be right back.

Ok, I'm back. So, anyway, that's it, those are my five things. I hope you sickos are happy. I am now faced with the task of infecting 5 other bloggers with this nasty virus. Hmmmm..... who will it be?

Perhaps Ploop would like to tell us about the time he ran over a deer, only later to discover that it was, in fact, a hobo.

Or maybe our brilliant and lovely Helen has been looking for an excuse to brag about the time she seduced the entire math department using nothing more than a salt shaker and a piece of string (think about it).

Can't let the multi-talented Erica slip through the net. And yes, I know you're very busy, Erica. It's just 5 things. You don't have to go on and on like I do.

I bet crazy ol' Creepy over at The Church of Lost Souls wouldn't mind shedding a little light on why he's so... well, creepy.

And last but not least, I tag Girl #1 from two girls and a gay. Enough about Kirsten Dunst, Girl #1. Let's talk about you.

HAHAHAHAAAA! That's what you all get for commenting on my blog! No, seriously - that's almost everyone who has ever commented on my blog (that hasn't already been tagged by someone else). My sincerest apologies to all.

So here's that victim list:
Girl #1

We will now return to our regularly scheduled idiocy. Yay!


Erica AP said...

I appreciate your sentiment but I actually don't like doing them but when I first started hardcore blogging I got tagged with this one... So lucky for you - you could actually look it up in my archives if you cared that much... Which I'm pretty sure you don't. I'm a right or am I right?

Shelly Rayedeane said...

I so do want to here about the New Orleans story.

Captain Smack said...

erica: Oh - my bad. I found the "Tagga-licious" post, however. See how much I care? But I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to do it again. I'm not planning to.

shelly: you got it, babe. I'll work it in soon.

Ms Smack said...

You are fucking hilarious!

I detrats reading and couldnt stop!

Nice work, mate!

UBER MOUTH said...

LOL - and yes! I am 14 so fuck you.

Captain Smack said...

Why, thank you, Ms Smack. It certainly is nice to see you here in my neck of the woods.

UBE: Ah, no wonder you look so young. I guess I'll have to let it slide then.

UBER MOUTH said...


Anonymous said...

Loved the UFO sighting-I totally believe that the Government is suppressing the facts about alien visits.

D. C. Warmington said...

Don't talk to Mutley, Captain, it will end in tears if you do.

Captain Smack said...

Thanks for the tip, d.c. (I usually try to distance myself from the UFO nuts anyway...)

D. C. Warmington said...

Only joking, he's one of the world's greatest bloggers.

Captain Smack said...

I know. I've been reading his stuff lately, and it really is some of the most creative and brilliant writing I've seen. I love reading it, yet I'm never quite sure what to make of it. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out if it's just over my poor, dumb head, or if it's too English for my American sensibilities, or if I'm not on the right kind of drugs, or if his dragon's eating my underwear, or if I'm just trying too hard, or what.


Until then, I'll just keep reading and laughing, with a strange (and slightly confused) look on my face.

About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.