Interesting Things I've Done to My Penis: Part Two

(Alternate Title: Pulp Friction)
This is Part II of an ongoing series. For the first installment, go here.

Part Two: The Wicked Wanda 3000

Many of my sex fantasies are pretty standard, and involve myself and one or two female humans. Often, however, my mind wanders to other areas and things get a little more creative.

For example, one recurring theme stars a giant, sexual plant (yes, those green things with the leaves) that seduces innocent girls with its aphrodisiac flowerings. As the girls are mesmerized by the scent, it slowly entwines them with its long, smooth stems (kind of like Audry II in Little Shop of Horrors, except it doesn't yell at you with the voice of a 50 year old R&B singer). Once the girl is in its clutches, it erotically overwhelms her, like a botanic succubus, or vegetable vampire (which are pretty hot, too. Vampires, that is).

Another fantasy I used to have when I was a teenager - a fantasy which I've outgrown at this point - involved hot chicks from outer space. These Space Honeys were pretty much like human females (think Star Trek), but with one notable exception: Spinning vaginas.

That's right. Unlike all you boring Earth girls with your stationary vaginas that can only contract muscularly, these extraterrestrial babes could endlessly rotate their love boxes, either clockwise or counter-clockwise (depending on which hemisphere of their home planet they were born on). I couldn't begin to tell you how, on a physiological level, their vaginas actually “spun”, but that was the effect. They're from outer space, so who knows?

Anyway, one day I'm having dinner with my family, and one of the items on the table was cantaloupe. I believe I was about 16 years old at the time, and still a virgin. Most of the stories in this series, by the way, take place around this time, because there were no girls available to take my intense adolescent sexual frustrations out on, so I went about sticking my ding dong in all kinds of different things fairly frequently. I'm pretty sure everyone does this. Right?

As I was eating a slice of cantaloupe, it suddenly occurred to me that the soft, fleshy pulp might come in handy for more than just nourishment. And the fact that it was round...

Hmmm. Things that rotate are usually round...

It was starting to come together, and I could feel the connections being made in my mind. But how to make it hands-free? That's really what I had been turning over in my head for some time, yet the solution had eluded me: a completely hands-free masturbation device.

And then, in a moment of clarity, the last piece of the puzzle snapped into place. I excused myself from the table and went to my room, where I could draw up the blueprints in private. The final schematic looked something like this:

I'm not going to photoshop the duct tape holding the melon to the fan, but you get the idea. I decided to name it “The Wicked Wanda 3000” in honor of Wanda, a girl I knew who'd once shown me her boobie.

By the weekend I had it put together (there was a lot of sneaking around involved) and once everyone else was out of the house, I had a chance to try it out.

And...

I'm sorry to report that things did not go as well as expected.I really wish that this story had a climax. Sadly, it does not. Even though the Wicked Wanda 3000 had three different speeds to choose from, and even though I was able to use vegetable oil to solve the “friction” problem that came up, I could never quite get there with her. I mean, it worked, basically; it just wasn't all that great.

Also, I almost twisted my weenie off in the first 10 seconds, which was kind of scary.

In the end, I had to scrap the idea and move on.

Now, don't get me wrong – the whole rotation thing definitely had an interesting effect, and there was certainly potential. I'm sure that if I'd kept experimenting with different types of melons, rotation devices, configurations, etc., I would've been able to come up with something that any guy would be proud to stick his pecker in. Within about a year, however, Earth girls became willing to have actual sex with me, and my beloved Wanda became nothing more than a memory.

On a more practical note: if anyone out there wants to take this idea and run with it, feel free. I hold no patents, nor would I feel that my intellectual property rights were being violated. I consider this open source. If you can improve on the original concept and make it work, then by all means, please do. All I ask is that you share the technology. Send me an email or something.