Jesus and Elvis: Hot Gay Sex

Jesus: ...and the next thing that people find out in their journey is that they are all the children of God. It's not an exclusive club for the chosen few, it is open to all. They must simply allow it. One must open not just their minds, but their hearts as well. One must be like a flower, and open all of their petals to the light that shines from--

Elvis: Uh, Jesus?

Jesus: Yes?

Elvis: Listen, man, I'm gonna run out and get some beer before the store closes. It's almost 2.

Jesus: But I was right in the middle of--

Elvis: I know, your speech, yeah. It's interesting and all, but, man, I need a beer. You been talking about this shit all day, and I need something to take the edge off, you know?

Jesus: Ok, I'll come along. I was just getting to the part about spiritual nourishment, and how the mind-body-projection can be unified through--

Elvis: Ok, ok, man. You keep talking, I'll drive.

(they get in the car and start driving)

Jesus: Something's bothering you Elvis. Maybe we should get that cleared up now, before I go on. What's bothering you?

Elvis: Nothing's bothering me, man. I'm cool.

Jesus: Is this stuff I'm talking about a little intense for you? That's completely natural, you know. People often struggle with this kind of wisdom at first, but if you just open your--

Elvis: See, that's what bugs me, right there.

Jesus: What?

Elvis: You talking all weird and shit. Listen, man – I know you're the messiah and all that, but why you gotta go talking all weird when your talking about spirituality and stuff? Can't you just say the shit normal like? I mean--

Jesus: I'm saying it the way it needs to be said.

Elvis: Yeah, but you keep talking about 'opening up like a flower', or accepting the 'light of true consciousness' and all that kind of crap. It just sounds... I dunno, man. It sounds a little phony or something, to tell you the truth.

Jesus: Ok, how would you prefer I talk?

Elvis: Like a normal person, that's all. Like you do when we're out shooting pool. You know, like you normally talk. That's why I get so turned off by this stuff - it ain't because it's too intense, it's 'cause it's all flaky sounding. I ain't no goddamn flower, man.

Jesus: Ok. I see. You're not a flower.

Elvis: That flower shit sounds... I dunno...

Jesus: What?

Elvis: Nevermind.

Jesus: That flower shit sounds... what? Gay?

Elvis: I didn't say that.

Jesus: Is that what this is about? Are you still pissed off about that party we went to? You know, those people were only joking...

Elvis: They weren't joking, man, they really thought we were queer or something. They kept on and on about it. Like, just cause we hang out together a lot, what, we're gay or something? Shit. I'm Elvis fucking Presley, man, I ain't no queer! What the hell? And you talking about flowers all the time, it ain't exactly helping, y'know.

Jesus: Elvis...

Elvis: And it ain't like I got nothing against the queers neither, that ain't it. I'm cool with the homos, you know that. I just don't want people saying I'm one, that's all. Cause I ain't. Man, I banged a lotta chicks in my day!

Jesus: I know you have, Elvis. You've proven your heterosexuality beyond all doubt...

Elvis: Don't that shit bother you? You don't care if people go around saying you're gay?

Jesus: Well, what can I do about it? I can't control their thoughts. People think what they want to think. They tell themselves little stories and then believe them because it serves their purposes.

(they pull into the store's parking lot)

Elvis: What purposes? Why would anyone have a purpose to think I'm gay?

Jesus: Besides that rhinestone phase you went through?

Elvis: Yeah, funny. I already told you, man, that wasn't my idea, I was just--

Jesus: Ok, look. Think about it this way. Let's say...

Elvis: Wait. Let me run in and get that beer, it's almost 2.

Jesus: Ok.

(Elvis gets back in the car with the beer)

Jesus: You got a 12-pack?

Elvis: I thought you might want some too. Ok, you were saying...

Jesus: Ok, think about it like this. You know how, when you were at the height of your fame, all those people thought you were like some kind of god or something? Remember how you were telling me that it was so weird that all these people were making such a big deal out of you?

Elvis: Yeah, it was kinda' weird. I mean, it was cool, but it was kinda' freaky.

Jesus: Right. And why was it freaky?

Elvis: I dunno. I was just playing my guitar like I always done, and then all of a sudden everyone was acting all crazy and shit, like I was some kind of... I dunno, like I was some kinda' miracle or something.

Jesus: But you weren't a miracle, right? You were just you, playing your guitar and shaking your leg. Right?

Elvis: Uh huh, right. I was just doing my thing, man, like I always do.

Jesus: But all these people needed a miracle, so they made you into one. That's all it was. You just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I mean, don't get me wrong, Elvis – I'm not saying you weren't special or anything. You're definitely one of a kind, and very talented. I'm just saying that all these people went and projected their own ideas onto you, made you into what they wanted you to be.

Elvis: Yeah, but why would they need to make someone into something in the first place?

Jesus: Because people need to have something sacred in their lives. They always have, but these days there is very little that is sacred to them, so they just start making it up and projecting it onto other people.

Elvis: Hey, now, that makes sense. Yeah. Like, if it wasn't me, it woulda' been somebody else. Kinda' like they did with Jimi Hendrix.

Jesus: Well, no, that's different, actually. Jimi really was a god. But you see what I'm saying, right?

Elvis: Jimi Hendrix was a god? Really? Like an actual god?

Jesus: Yeah, he was Shiva. I never mentioned that? I thought I told you that. Yeah, he's a cool guy, we go way back.

Elvis: Ok then, like Michael Jackson.

Jesus: Exactly. Like Michael Jackson. Good example.

Elvis: Except that, unlike myself, Michael didn't have no talent.

Jesus: Well, some of his earlier stuff wasn't bad. And he did create that moonwalk thing. That was pretty cool, you have to admit.

Elvis: Ok, I'll give him the moonwalk. That was pretty cool. I still can't figure out how he did that...

Jesus: But the point is, you can't control what people think. They just believe what they want to believe. Sometimes that benefits you, sometimes it doesn't. When they're ready to see things as they are, then they will. Until then, they just keep making shit up, like that we're gay, for example. Best to not worry about it. Besides, people are idiots. Who cares what they think?

Elvis: Now see, Jesus, that's better. That's how you outta' do it, the way you just did it.

Jesus: What do you mean?

Elvis: That stuff you just said. That stuff actually makes sense. It ain't all a buncha' poetry and rose petals and shit. That's the kind of wisdom a guy can use, man. Why don't you just talk like that more?

Jesus: Hmmm. I dunno. It doesn't sound... I dunno... it doesn't sound 'biblical' enough, I guess.

Elvis: Well, that 'biblical' stuff's done run its course, I think. 'Thou shalt not' this, and 'Thy hath' that... that crap gives me a headache. Just tell it like it is, I say. Keep it real, man.

Jesus: You know what? Maybe you're right, Elvis. Maybe I should just talk normal, like you do. I might actually reach more people that way...

Elvis: No kidding, man.

Jesus: You know, Elvis... for a beer drinking rock n' roller, I sure do learn a lot from you.

Elvis: Hey, I learn a lot from you too, bro. I'm really glad we met.

Jesus: Me too, Elvis, me too. You're my best friend, and you know I love you, right?

Elvis: Hey, I love you too, man.

Jesus: And there's nothing gay about that.

Elvis: Amen, brother.

(then they went home and had hot gay sex.)

(Just kidding. They actually went home, watched some TV and then slept in separate beds, like they always do. Because they're NOT gay. Ok?)