tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77747095869995836682012-01-24T13:16:04.262-05:00The Captain, keeping it realer than a mofo. Mainly he sniffs glue and then blogs out the dead braincells. It's similar to exfoliation, but for the brain. And as you read it, you too will feel your braincells popping, one by one.Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.comBlogger571100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-39368202528734637442009-04-16T01:55:00.011-05:002009-04-16T14:19:05.355-05:00

Overall, I'm a pretty sane person. I don't have an official certificate to prove my sanity, but I'm almost positive that one would be issued to me, were I to apply.For the most part, being sane has worked well for me. Sanity is great for things like managing your daily life, accurately interpreting events in the external universe, or being allowed to use scissors. Also, living in the same basic

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com116tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-88106671993849839492009-02-06T02:06:00.015-05:002009-02-20T04:12:08.098-05:00

With the world-wide economy in the crapper, hard times are upon us all. Many people are struggling just to keep their heads above water, and we here at This Is Your Captain Speaking are no different. Tough decisions had to be made, belts tightened, and extraneous expenditures reduced. I am no longer able to tip my hookers more than 10%, for example, which just breaks my heart.Unfortunately, other

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com277tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-44616744710959386842009-01-30T04:39:00.025-05:002009-02-20T04:13:18.456-05:00

Many of you know me as Captain Smack, that guy who drops acid, sees UFOs, and jerks off with toothpaste (although not usually at the same time). But did you know that I have other talents as well? Oh, yes I do. Hey, I'm not just a pretty face, you know.In lieu of one of my zany stories or wacky observations, I thought I'd switch it up a little this week and toss out an original Captain Smack

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com83tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-66709192473829214392009-01-21T17:44:00.013-05:002009-04-01T11:50:46.890-05:00

What an amazing week. Monday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Tuesday was Obama Becomes President Day. And now comes Thursday the 22nd, which is one of my favorite holidays, St. Willie Nelson's Beard Day.I realize that some of you, depending on which religion you subscribe to, may not even be aware that Willie Nelson's Beard is an actual, bona fide Saint, but indeed it is. Specifically, it is the

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com70tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-70316249713357967722009-01-09T04:05:00.005-05:002009-02-14T06:44:21.452-05:00

When I was a little kid, I thought that being smart was the main thing in life. I just assumed that that's what it was all about. Of course, I was pretty stupid back then. It was only later, in highschool, that I started to realize just how insignificant intelligence actually is when it comes to things like happiness, success, receiving oral sex, etc.It seemed that everywhere I looked I saw

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com54tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-46425824308377400622009-01-01T16:51:00.010-05:002009-02-14T06:57:44.032-05:00

Like most people, I party especially hard on New Year's Eve. If it's been a particularly good year, then I'll party hard as a celebration. If it's been a really crappy year, however, then I do it for more practical reasons - to see how many brain cells in my memory banks I can knock off. But, if it's been an average, so-so kind of year, then I do it because I just like getting really fucked up

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com60tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-16224924195980613902007-12-25T10:27:00.002-05:002009-01-05T17:06:05.266-05:00

Elvis: Ok, you got your eyes closed?Jesus: Yes, they're closed.Elvis: Ok, now, don't open 'em up 'till I say so, alright?Jesus: You know, you really didn't have to do this, Elvis. I told you not to get me anything this year...Elvis: What, like I ain't gonna get my best bud something on his special day? C'mon, now, you know me better than that, I hope.Jesus: Can I open my eyes now?Elvis: Not yet.

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com59tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-67196119524875673632007-11-21T13:27:00.003-05:002009-01-05T17:06:35.566-05:00

I don't believe this crap. I drop off the face of the planet for a whole freaking month, and not a single “Captain Smack is dead” rumor surfaces? What the hell? It's almost like you people have something better to do with your time than sit around thinking about me. How deflating.Hey, speaking of ultra-smooth segues, that reminds me of the time when people actually thought I was dead. There were

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com104tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-8628076612809574082007-10-18T13:57:00.002-05:002009-01-05T17:07:03.400-05:00

...Generally speaking, society seems to take a rather negative view of serial killers. This seems counter-productive. Everyone is always complaining about overpopulation, traffic jams, and long lines – yet whenever someone actually tries to do something about it, people insist they be locked away. It almost makes you wonder why serial killers even bother in the first place.It really is a

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com94tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-10397266829884056342007-10-10T15:15:00.003-05:002009-04-23T05:43:40.790-05:00

...That's right. I photoshopped some tits onto a coffee cup. I'm a fucking genius.So, now that I've won you over with my intellectually sophisticated brand of wit, I'd like to take this opportunity to share something that is very near and dear to my heart...Friends, we live in a world that is jam packed with problems, yet lacking in solutions. And while some of these problems involve disease,

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com69tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-25519570414415810232007-10-04T07:49:00.002-05:002009-01-05T17:08:04.231-05:00

Not to be a Mr McBraggypants or anything, but I have to say: I am quite pleased with my brain. For one thing, it's durable as hell. You wouldn't believe the wear and tear I've put on this baby, yet it still performs like a champ.For example, I once did acid almost continuously for an entire month - and sure, ok - I did go a little schizo for a while. I won't deny that. But you know what? After a

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com55tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-38815716387379278492007-09-28T07:55:00.003-05:002009-01-05T17:08:31.347-05:00

We all get the blues from time to time. It's only natural. But has your depression moved into the next phase? Do you sometimes feel that life is more of a hassle than it's worth? Maybe you feel like it's time to just end it all...Well, before you do that, be sure to call:Fact: Did you know that there are over 3,000 suicide attempts each year? That's 3,000 miserable people, whose lives almost

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com67tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-71932735184329589622007-09-26T07:45:00.000-05:002007-09-26T17:32:10.853-05:00

.Last week's post was really just a marketing research ploy. It was put together by my public image firm (all the top bloggers have image firms, you didn't know?) to find out what kind of person my readers think I really am.Apparently, you seem to think I'm a kitten-hating, continuously-masturbating "backdoor-man" who does not exist in the physical universe.Geez, people... it's like you don't

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-29791288297281348292007-09-19T00:47:00.002-05:002009-05-06T05:09:41.748-05:00

.In an effort to make up for that last post, and to show everyone that my blogger balls are indeed still large and magnificent, I've decided to take the Knudsen Challenge, and post 101 true facts about Yours Truly. I'm even going to kick things up a notch (or down a notch, depending on how you look at it) and make a little game out of it:THREE of the following 101 facts will be untrue. Complete

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com52tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-44465606491176226412007-09-12T02:11:00.000-05:002007-09-12T02:38:09.941-05:00

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com33tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-81074807073102425872007-09-04T02:46:00.001-05:002007-09-04T02:51:35.300-05:00

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2007___________________________________________________Scorsese's “Cocksuckers” to be discontinuedBy Bob WoodwardHOLLYWOOD, CA - Martin Scorsese's most recent cinematic effort “The Cocksuckers from Outer Space”, with its all-star cast and massive budget, was expected to be this summer's blockbuster thriller, but instead turned out to be the summer's biggest turd bomb.The

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com42tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-43646441774305387792007-08-29T01:38:00.000-05:002007-09-09T06:29:40.394-05:00

.Welcome to the first exciting episode of...Written and directed by Martin ScorseseS T A R R I N G:Bruce Willis .... as .... D.C. WarmingtonSean Connery .... as .... Old KnudsenJohnny Depp .... as .... Morbid Misanthropeand, of courseBrad Pitt .... as .... Captain SmackAlso starring:Mr T . as . XenuandAngelina Jolie . as . Space Girl #9with special guest appearances by:John Travolta ..as ..

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com55tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-20315872685964531472007-08-22T07:23:00.000-05:002007-08-22T07:56:14.902-05:00

I'm gone for a few days. Old Knudsen, Morbid Misanthrope, the mysterious D.C Warmington and myself will be deep in the jungles of Peru, fighting our old enemy, Xenu (there's more to being a Captain than just wearing a funny hat, you know).Of course, Knudsen will probably keep blogging right through the fighting, the crazy bastard.I sure hope that John Travolta guy doesn't try to tag along. He

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-57819266271899849482007-08-16T21:26:00.000-05:002007-08-30T00:08:29.190-05:00

My dear friend* The Boob Lady is taking a little breather, so I am strapping on a bra and filling in for her with a guest post. Poor Boobs has been up to her nipples in one thing after another, so I decided to make this little picture, to show her how much I care:See? Wasn't that nice? And not the least bit creepy. So anyway, get on over to The Ups and Downs of Boobs and Things. That's where

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-62792721290717747352007-08-16T01:38:00.000-05:002007-08-16T02:57:42.675-05:00

Today I went out for coffee. One minute I'm relaxing, enjoying an Iced Latte, and the next minute I'm on the floor, regaining consciousness, with a carrot up my ass. And you know what that means! (Well, you probably don't, but you can find out here).That's right – it's time for another enlightening episode of:The Future!Brought to you by Cheapass Vodka TMLife is short. Drink Hard.The End Is

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com41tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-47748683423858037662007-08-07T16:16:00.000-05:002007-08-11T05:16:39.064-05:00

This is a story about me going to a party and ending up in someone's bush. There are nipples in this story. And beer. But mostly it's just me acting like a jackass.I'm at this party, and me and a few other people are standing around in the front yard, drinking beer and talking. I suddenly become the entertainer. I'm making jokes, telling little stories and acting out all the parts, etc. I really

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com85tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-16319259373814281222007-07-31T00:41:00.001-05:002007-07-31T03:51:11.043-05:00

I have several cans of whupass here at the house. I keep them under the kitchen sink, and they've been sitting there for quite some time. There have recently been several situations in which a can of whupass would've come in handy, but they always come up when I'm out in public, and I can never seem to remember to take a can with me when I go out. They aren't like condoms, you know; you can't

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com60tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-42836277005742870812007-07-26T00:59:00.000-05:002007-08-15T21:12:15.518-05:00

Before we get to this week's mail, let's take a look at how Jesus stacks up against a few of the other top performing prophets. When it comes time to decide who to go to for advice, take the following into consideration:Buddha: Doesn't give advice, expects you to figure everything out yourself.Always answers a question with a question, very annoying.Highly cryptic, hard to figure out what he's

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-48218352148516248982007-07-19T00:35:00.000-05:002007-07-19T15:02:36.613-05:00

A Captain Smack Special Announcement:Not sure what to do?Ask Jesus directly.He'll set you straight.Send your questions to WTFWJD@mail.comNo question is too stupid for Jesus.

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com44tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-10815268020324440142007-07-16T14:16:00.001-05:002011-08-29T21:06:30.299-05:00

Jesus: ...and the next thing that people find out in their journey is that they are all the children of God. It's not an exclusive club for the chosen few, it is open to all. They must simply allow it. One must open not just their minds, but their hearts as well. One must be like a flower, and open all of their petals to the light that shines from-- Elvis: Uh, Jesus? Jesus: Yes? Elvis:

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com38tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-23698271361179774722007-07-09T14:47:00.001-05:002011-08-29T21:08:32.698-05:00

I use my imagination a lot, and for the most part it has served me well, but it also gets me into trouble from time to time. One of the more obvious downsides of being Mr Creativity is that many of the interesting “activities” I dream up to do (I like to think of them as social experiments) are against some law or another, they have so many of those now, laws that is, that it's hard to keep

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com55tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-50509829189596874452007-06-20T18:57:00.001-05:002011-08-29T21:09:47.577-05:00

I have lucid dreams sometimes. If you're not familiar with the term, it's those dreams in which you know you are dreaming, and are able to control it to some degree. Some people never have them at all. Some people have them, but are only slightly lucid, vaguely aware that they are dreaming. I've had many lucid dreams, and am usually very much in control. It used to be sort of a hobby of mine.

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com66tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-82046505988805206242007-06-18T07:16:00.000-05:002007-06-18T07:30:23.286-05:00

Elvis: Man, I hate this grocery store. The deli here sucks. They ain't got no hot sandwiches. They ain't got no decent pastrami.Jesus: It's fine, Elvis. I'm just picking up a few things for the weekend.Elvis: What, you passing by the cookie aisle? You don't want no cookies?Jesus: You want some cookies, get some cookies.Elvis: How come we're shopping at this place anyway? The Walmart's closer to

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com46tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-22937019749433111012007-06-14T10:11:00.000-05:002007-06-16T02:13:51.808-05:00

Well, it looks like my post “How to Start Your Own Religion” came in first place in the “Best Post” category at the Blogpower Awards. I'm very pleased to see that reality tv, rap music and crystal meth have not yet completely destroyed everyone's sense of good taste. You people obviously know quality when you see it, and for that I salute you.You know, when I think about the nightmarish amounts

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com37tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-8565153849556952852007-06-10T01:39:00.000-05:002007-06-18T12:03:06.852-05:00

A Special Message to YOU from The CaptainWhy, hello there, [your name here]. I'm so glad you dropped by!Say... have I ever told you that you are my favorite reader? Oh yes, it's true. I mean, don't get me wrong - all these other people who come by, they're great and all... but it's your visit I look forward to the most. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that you and I are "friends". We really

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com55tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-45183078527194596082007-06-04T23:43:00.001-05:002011-08-29T21:11:36.620-05:00

My friend Karen used to have an old Dodge Aspen, and we spent the entire summer riding around in it while smoking pot and listening to Pink Floyd. We were both nineteen, and neither of us were in school, so riding around and getting stoned while Saucerful of Secrets blared on her kick-ass car speakers seemed like a lot more fun than anything else we could think of. One day we were doing just

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com64tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-18777459177597347332007-05-31T01:18:00.001-05:002009-01-30T20:27:54.475-05:00

I'm hilarious. Really, ask anyone. It's a gift. And I know I probably make it look easy, as if the hilarity just magically rolls off my tongue (or fingers, whatever) and onto the internet. But it's not always so easy. This crap actually takes a lot of work. I have to get right into The Zone to pull it off, or else it comes out sounding all phony and pretentious, like I'm full of myself or

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com64tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-39509556728568780082007-05-24T02:04:00.001-05:002011-08-29T21:13:24.687-05:00

This happened about 6 months ago. It was about 1 in the morning and I was diligently working on my computer. I went to the bathroom to pee. I stayed in the bathroom a while, acting out in front of the mirror. I do this pretty regularly. I have these very animated conversations with myself, sometimes playing out both parts of the conversation. It's like I'm putting on a little play for myself. (I

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com79tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-64455650273584763382007-05-22T16:19:00.001-05:002011-08-29T21:13:57.084-05:00

You wait in the shadows, larger than life, like a Coyote of Mercy. You can feel your brain changing shape beneath your skull. You've dreamt of this moment for weeks, maybe months. And then you see her silhouette in the window... She doesn't know what she wants. She doesn't know what she needs. She doesn't know her own mind. But she's about to find out... Your emotions suddenly flare up. You

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-85714316275402150872007-05-19T02:26:00.000-05:002007-05-19T03:28:14.513-05:00

Elvis: So how did you meet this chick anyway?Jesus: Oh, well we just started talking one day and then I asked her if she'd like to go to dinner sometime. Hey, you think I should wear this robe?Elvis: Where, though? Where did you meet her?Jesus: Huh? Oh, well, someone sort of introduced us. We haven't actually met in person yet...Elvis: Oh, no. Don't tell me...Jesus: What? Alright, alright – we

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com36tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-49858100225184745392007-05-14T20:53:00.001-05:002009-04-18T05:02:24.098-05:00

(Alternate Title: Pulp Friction)This is Part II of an ongoing series. For the first installment, go here.Part Two: The Wicked Wanda 3000 Many of my sex fantasies are pretty standard, and involve myself and one or two female humans. Often, however, my mind wanders to other areas and things get a little more creative.For example, one recurring theme stars a giant, sexual plant (yes, those green

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com54tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-84493543066814377562007-05-14T02:06:00.000-05:002007-05-14T02:30:32.177-05:00

One night I get a phone call. It's about 1 in the morning, and I'm just chillin' at my crib, yo, so I pick up the phone and say “speak!” (which is how I sometimes answer the phone, because I'm kind of a dick). It's my good friend, Otto.Yay! I love Otto. (Otto has a “Get Out of Jail free” card tattooed on his arm, and it actually seems to work sometimes). He's in town for a few days, and he's over

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-27076502645624832362007-05-13T12:01:00.000-05:002007-05-13T00:15:58.368-05:00

"A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic." - Ralph Waldo EmersonSong

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-74290865072209841882007-05-10T14:16:00.000-05:002007-05-13T00:14:26.537-05:00

Elvis: Man, I just had a weird experience.Jesus: What happened?Elvis: I just went up to the convenience store, right?Jesus: Yeah?Elvis: So I'm in there getting some slim-jims and some twinkies, right?Jesus: Of course.Elvis: And all of a sudden, there's all these midgets everywhere.Jesus: Midgets?Elvis: Yeah, man, like 5 or 6 of them.Jesus: Really? Did they come in after you did, or where they

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-24568678309575343072007-05-06T11:20:00.000-05:002007-05-10T13:27:21.999-05:00

After a bizarre accident in 1997, involving electro-shock therapy, 14 grams of psilocybin mushrooms, and an outlaw gang of renegade Scientologists (it's a long and rather dull story), your Captain was left endowed with the mystical gift/curse of divination. Kind of like that guy in The Dead Zone. Or Carnac the Magnificent. That sort of thing.Please don't get excited. This is not a push-button

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-31856489577101278392007-05-01T04:04:00.001-05:002009-01-12T05:18:55.766-05:00

A Captain Smack Special Edition:How to Start Your Own Religion(A 12-Step Plan)It's a flimsy world out there. Things are not always as they seem. We struggle to understand the universe around us, yet so many questions are left unanswered by science...Why are we here?How did it all begin?What is our real purpose?Is Tom Cruise gay or what?As we search for answers, the battle between good and evil

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com63tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-87999094541211438062007-04-29T11:00:00.000-05:002007-05-10T13:29:32.304-05:00

My friend UBERMOUTH seems to always be a little behind on the fashions. I, on the other hand, have my finger on the pulse of modern culture, and I like to stay ahead of the curve on fashions and trends and what-not. So I'll do her and the rest of you out-dated squares a favor, and give you a heads-up on some of the next big crazes. Start incorporating these activities into your lifestyle now,

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-70646043205946651972007-04-24T17:51:00.000-05:002007-05-10T13:30:34.184-05:00

The following are a few things that have been on my mind lately. I could probably write a full length post on any of the following topics, but for now I just need to get this stuff out of the way. They're in my brain, clogging everything up.Axe Body Spray CONSUMER ALERT: This crap doesn't work. Not as advertised anyway. In the commercials, good-looking women physically jump on any guy wearing

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-81445270790654953092007-04-23T03:32:00.000-05:002007-05-07T14:12:56.000-05:00

Jesus: ...and that's what people never really get about the New Testament, is that half the time I was just being sarcastic, and the other half I was --Elvis: Ah, shit. Here comes freakazoid. Don't look now, man... Don't look...Jesus: Which freakazoid?Elvis: Manson.Jesus: Marilyn?Elvis: Nah, Charlie. Ah, shit, he sees us. Great, he's walking over... Oh, hey, Charlie. What's happening man?Jesus:

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-68790608021206604052007-04-22T15:50:00.000-05:002007-04-22T18:18:57.043-05:00

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-35878574349071083432007-04-18T18:18:00.000-05:002007-05-07T14:13:40.832-05:00

(Don't worry, I'll get back to the penis-related humor soon.)Recently on the News: 19 out of 20 songs downloaded on the internet are illegal downloads!Record companies are seriously worried they might go bankrupt!Finally, some good news for a change.I sincerely hope that all the major record labels go down in flames. And I hope they take their crappy music with them. Please, people, if you really

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-49471018397895105352007-04-16T22:44:00.000-05:002007-06-25T03:53:42.728-05:00

Jesus and Elvis: At The parkElvis: Hey, Jesus, man - lemme ask you something.Jesus: What's up?Elvis: Now be honest. Who ya like better: Me or The Beatles.Jesus: Oh. Well, um... gee, Elvis, I uh...Elvis: Aw, c'mon man. Don't tell me you like those hippies better than your best bud?Jesus: I'm just saying, on a musical level, you know... The White Album was just so ahead of it's time. Plus, they

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-78625379417406739242007-04-13T02:08:00.000-05:002007-05-10T13:31:40.752-05:00

This is Part One of what will be an ongoing series. I'm still in the process of gathering from memory the various penis-related incidents, and I'm now up to seven - no, wait, make that eight. I just remembered another one. In any case, I'm saving the best for last.Part One: Jerked Off with ToothpasteI was 15. Like most 15 year old boys, I was always on the lookout for new and creative ways to get

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-76986862887434862502007-04-09T18:38:00.000-05:002007-05-10T13:32:48.073-05:00

It appears that I've been “tagged”. Apparently Shelly feels that the world needs to know more about The Captain. Oh Shelly, Shelly, Shelly. I guess I don't blame her. I'd like to know more about him myself.There are two rules to this game. I am required to:Tag 5 other bloggersTell you 5 things about myself that I have not yet revealed on my blog.Considering the fact that my blog is exactly 10

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-57805141652577069012007-04-08T01:33:00.000-05:002007-04-22T18:20:24.911-05:00

"The difference between Heaven and Hell is which end of the pitchfork you're on." - Rev. Sheldon DeWehr

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-7728971887857613302007-04-06T05:51:00.000-05:002007-05-10T13:33:22.763-05:00

It's 2007, and we still don't have any decent sex machines. What the hell?Hey, scientists: In the 50's you guys promised us flying cars. Well, the millennium came and went, and guess what? No flying cars. But, hey, you know what? Screw the flying cars! I want something I can stick my ding-a-ling in. Something with moving parts, space-age polymers, complicated hydraulics and neural receptor things

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-23115876577385135262007-04-04T13:54:00.000-05:002007-05-10T13:33:57.826-05:00

Toilets could really be improved, and I have the solutions. Unfotunately, I am too busy to realize this dream, so I'm handing the ideas over to you, the masses. And by “masses”, I mean the zero people who read this amazing, thought-provoking, cutting-edge blog. Thank-you, thank-you. No, really, you're too kind.Built-in ventilationBathroom ventilation is always in the wrong place, way up on the

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-80469419884045660252007-04-03T16:32:00.000-05:002007-05-10T13:38:00.900-05:00

I've been blogging for 4 whole days now, and here's what I've learned:Most bloggers are femaleI didn't know this until I started looking around. According to www.livejournal.com/stats, women make up 67% of their bloggers. I couldn't find stats for blogspot, but I'd guess it's about the same.And I'm glad, too. It's nice to finally be out-numbered by women. I always wondered why men out-numbered

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-80322752587720249422007-04-03T03:57:00.000-05:002007-05-22T21:49:54.032-05:00

I ran across some forum from 2005 in which some people in the UK had argued about the UK's drug laws. As a man on a mission to kill as many braincells as possible (hopefully ridding myself of this painfully sharp intellect), this is sort of a topic of interest to me. Also, I thought I may learn something about the UK's drug policies, which is good to know because I plan to go there someday and do

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-8058261741184100712007-04-01T19:43:00.000-05:002007-05-10T13:46:08.963-05:00

I think a lot of folks, if they had three wishes, would totally fuck it up and wish for things that would end up making them miserable. Because people go through life feeling that they are denied true happiness, they would attempt to “maximize” their wishes to get the most impact out of them.It's very similar to people who, when faced with an all-you-can-eat buffet, eat much more than they should

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-12902092285659391232007-03-31T16:40:00.002-05:002009-01-04T04:00:04.125-05:00

Dear Radio Station DJ:Shut up and just play the fucking song already. You're not funny.Dear Guy Who Says “Renig”:It's reneg, not renig. It's short for “renegotiate”, and has nothing to do with race.Dear Chick Who Misuses The Word “Literally”:You did not “literally” explode with anger. You “figuratively” exploded with anger. Please reserve the word “literally” for things that are literal.Dear Jane

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-68211150204321114602007-03-31T15:42:00.002-05:002009-01-04T03:59:27.791-05:00

I came home this afternoon to find several baboons in my house. There were 5, maybe 6 of them (I can't be sure because they move around so fast). They were on the sofa, climbing up the curtains, one was in the bathroom, a couple were in the kitchen, and when I walked in they just looked at me. I started yelling at them “get out of my house, you fucking baboons” and they all started jumping up and

Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com0