tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77747095869995836682024-03-08T15:24:42.691-05:00This Is Your Captain SpeakingThe Captain, keeping it realer than a mofo. Mainly he sniffs glue and then blogs out the dead braincells. It's similar to exfoliation, but for the brain. And as you read it, you too will feel your braincells popping, one by one.Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-39368202528734637442009-04-16T01:55:00.011-05:002009-04-16T14:19:05.355-05:00Let's Go CrazyOverall, I'm a pretty sane person. I don't have an official certificate to prove my sanity, but I'm almost positive that one would be issued to me, were I to apply.For the most part, being sane has worked well for me. Sanity is great for things like managing your daily life, accurately interpreting events in the external universe, or being allowed to use scissors. Also, living in the same basic Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com152tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-88106671993849839492009-02-06T02:06:00.015-05:002009-02-20T04:12:08.098-05:00Cleverly Ironic Post Title HereWith the world-wide economy in the crapper, hard times are upon us all. Many people are struggling just to keep their heads above water, and we here at This Is Your Captain Speaking are no different. Tough decisions had to be made, belts tightened, and extraneous expenditures reduced. I am no longer able to tip my hookers more than 10%, for example, which just breaks my heart.Unfortunately, otherCaptain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com271tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-44616744710959386842009-01-30T04:39:00.025-05:002009-02-20T04:13:18.456-05:00Many of you know me as Captain Smack, that guy who drops acid, sees UFOs, and jerks off with toothpaste (although not usually at the same time). But did you know that I have other talents as well? Oh, yes I do. Hey, I'm not just a pretty face, you know.In lieu of one of my zany stories or wacky observations, I thought I'd switch it up a little this week and toss out an original Captain Smack Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com80tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-66709192473829214392009-01-21T17:44:00.013-05:002009-04-01T11:50:46.890-05:00Viva La Beard!What an amazing week. Monday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Tuesday was Obama Becomes President Day. And now comes Thursday the 22nd, which is one of my favorite holidays, St. Willie Nelson's Beard Day.I realize that some of you, depending on which religion you subscribe to, may not even be aware that Willie Nelson's Beard is an actual, bona fide Saint, but indeed it is. Specifically, it is the Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com72tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-70316249713357967722009-01-09T04:05:00.005-05:002009-02-14T06:44:21.452-05:00Artificial UnintelligenceWhen I was a little kid, I thought that being smart was the main thing in life. I just assumed that that's what it was all about. Of course, I was pretty stupid back then. It was only later, in highschool, that I started to realize just how insignificant intelligence actually is when it comes to things like happiness, success, receiving oral sex, etc.It seemed that everywhere I looked I saw Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com46tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-46425824308377400622009-01-01T16:51:00.010-05:002009-02-14T06:57:44.032-05:00In The Future: Episode ThreeLike most people, I party especially hard on New Year's Eve. If it's been a particularly good year, then I'll party hard as a celebration. If it's been a really crappy year, however, then I do it for more practical reasons - to see how many brain cells in my memory banks I can knock off. But, if it's been an average, so-so kind of year, then I do it because I just like getting really fucked up Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com60tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-16224924195980613902007-12-25T10:27:00.002-05:002009-01-05T17:06:05.266-05:00Jesus and Elvis: Happy Birthday, Jesus! Elvis: Ok, you got your eyes closed?Jesus: Yes, they're closed.Elvis: Ok, now, don't open 'em up 'till I say so, alright?Jesus: You know, you really didn't have to do this, Elvis. I told you not to get me anything this year...Elvis: What, like I ain't gonna get my best bud something on his special day? C'mon, now, you know me better than that, I hope.Jesus: Can I open my eyes now?Elvis: Not yet.Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com61tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-67196119524875673632007-11-21T13:27:00.003-05:002009-01-05T17:06:35.566-05:00Captain Smack is DeadI don't believe this crap. I drop off the face of the planet for a whole freaking month, and not a single “Captain Smack is dead” rumor surfaces? What the hell? It's almost like you people have something better to do with your time than sit around thinking about me. How deflating.Hey, speaking of ultra-smooth segues, that reminds me of the time when people actually thought I was dead. There were Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com97tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-8628076612809574082007-10-18T13:57:00.002-05:002009-01-05T17:07:03.400-05:00The Flaming Moth of Redemption...Generally speaking, society seems to take a rather negative view of serial killers. This seems counter-productive. Everyone is always complaining about overpopulation, traffic jams, and long lines – yet whenever someone actually tries to do something about it, people insist they be locked away. It almost makes you wonder why serial killers even bother in the first place.It really is a Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com94tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-10397266829884056342007-10-10T15:15:00.003-05:002009-04-23T05:43:40.790-05:00I like my coffee like I like my women...That's right. I photoshopped some tits onto a coffee cup. I'm a fucking genius.So, now that I've won you over with my intellectually sophisticated brand of wit, I'd like to take this opportunity to share something that is very near and dear to my heart...Friends, we live in a world that is jam packed with problems, yet lacking in solutions. And while some of these problems involve disease, Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com97tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-25519570414415810232007-10-04T07:49:00.002-05:002009-01-05T17:08:04.231-05:00Not to be a Mr McBraggypants or anything, but I have to say: I am quite pleased with my brain. For one thing, it's durable as hell. You wouldn't believe the wear and tear I've put on this baby, yet it still performs like a champ.For example, I once did acid almost continuously for an entire month - and sure, ok - I did go a little schizo for a while. I won't deny that. But you know what? After a Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com56tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-38815716387379278492007-09-28T07:55:00.003-05:002009-01-05T17:08:31.347-05:00When you're at the end of your rope...We all get the blues from time to time. It's only natural. But has your depression moved into the next phase? Do you sometimes feel that life is more of a hassle than it's worth? Maybe you feel like it's time to just end it all...Well, before you do that, be sure to call:Fact: Did you know that there are over 3,000 suicide attempts each year? That's 3,000 miserable people, whose lives almost Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com67tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-71932735184329589622007-09-26T07:45:00.000-05:002007-09-26T17:32:10.853-05:00You Don't Know Diddly.Last week's post was really just a marketing research ploy. It was put together by my public image firm (all the top bloggers have image firms, you didn't know?) to find out what kind of person my readers think I really am.Apparently, you seem to think I'm a kitten-hating, continuously-masturbating "backdoor-man" who does not exist in the physical universe.Geez, people... it's like you don't Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-29791288297281348292007-09-19T00:47:00.002-05:002009-05-06T05:09:41.748-05:00I shave my balls.In an effort to make up for that last post, and to show everyone that my blogger balls are indeed still large and magnificent, I've decided to take the Knudsen Challenge, and post 101 true facts about Yours Truly. I'm even going to kick things up a notch (or down a notch, depending on how you look at it) and make a little game out of it:THREE of the following 101 facts will be untrue. Complete Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com53tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-44465606491176226412007-09-12T02:11:00.000-05:002007-09-12T02:38:09.941-05:00Worst Post EverCaptain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-81074807073102425872007-09-04T02:46:00.001-05:002007-09-04T02:51:35.300-05:00Breaking NewsTUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2007___________________________________________________Scorsese's “Cocksuckers” to be discontinuedBy Bob WoodwardHOLLYWOOD, CA - Martin Scorsese's most recent cinematic effort “The Cocksuckers from Outer Space”, with its all-star cast and massive budget, was expected to be this summer's blockbuster thriller, but instead turned out to be the summer's biggest turd bomb.The Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com45tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-43646441774305387792007-08-29T01:38:00.000-05:002007-09-09T06:29:40.394-05:00Xenu Returns.Welcome to the first exciting episode of...Written and directed by Martin ScorseseS T A R R I N G:Bruce Willis .... as .... D.C. WarmingtonSean Connery .... as .... Old KnudsenJohnny Depp .... as .... Morbid Misanthropeand, of courseBrad Pitt .... as .... Captain SmackAlso starring:Mr T . as . XenuandAngelina Jolie . as . Space Girl #9with special guest appearances by:John Travolta ..as ..Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com55tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-20315872685964531472007-08-22T07:23:00.000-05:002007-08-22T07:56:14.902-05:00Hey, guess what? I'm gone for a few days. Old Knudsen, Morbid Misanthrope, the mysterious D.C Warmington and myself will be deep in the jungles of Peru, fighting our old enemy, Xenu (there's more to being a Captain than just wearing a funny hat, you know).Of course, Knudsen will probably keep blogging right through the fighting, the crazy bastard.I sure hope that John Travolta guy doesn't try to tag along. He Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-57819266271899849482007-08-16T21:26:00.000-05:002007-08-30T00:08:29.190-05:00I Go Where The Boobs Are My dear friend* The Boob Lady is taking a little breather, so I am strapping on a bra and filling in for her with a guest post. Poor Boobs has been up to her nipples in one thing after another, so I decided to make this little picture, to show her how much I care:See? Wasn't that nice? And not the least bit creepy. So anyway, get on over to The Ups and Downs of Boobs and Things. That's where Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-62792721290717747352007-08-16T01:38:00.000-05:002007-08-16T02:57:42.675-05:00In The Future: Episode TwoToday I went out for coffee. One minute I'm relaxing, enjoying an Iced Latte, and the next minute I'm on the floor, regaining consciousness, with a carrot up my ass. And you know what that means! (Well, you probably don't, but you can find out here).That's right – it's time for another enlightening episode of:The Future!Brought to you by Cheapass Vodka TMLife is short. Drink Hard.The End Is Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-47748683423858037662007-08-07T16:16:00.000-05:002007-08-11T05:16:39.064-05:00A Happy Ending This is a story about me going to a party and ending up in someone's bush. There are nipples in this story. And beer. But mostly it's just me acting like a jackass.I'm at this party, and me and a few other people are standing around in the front yard, drinking beer and talking. I suddenly become the entertainer. I'm making jokes, telling little stories and acting out all the parts, etc. I reallyCaptain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com84tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-16319259373814281222007-07-31T00:41:00.001-05:002007-07-31T03:51:11.043-05:00Old Whupass I have several cans of whupass here at the house. I keep them under the kitchen sink, and they've been sitting there for quite some time. There have recently been several situations in which a can of whupass would've come in handy, but they always come up when I'm out in public, and I can never seem to remember to take a can with me when I go out. They aren't like condoms, you know; you can't Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com58tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-42836277005742870812007-07-26T00:59:00.000-05:002007-08-15T21:12:15.518-05:00Before we get to this week's mail, let's take a look at how Jesus stacks up against a few of the other top performing prophets. When it comes time to decide who to go to for advice, take the following into consideration:Buddha: Doesn't give advice, expects you to figure everything out yourself.Always answers a question with a question, very annoying.Highly cryptic, hard to figure out what he's Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-48218352148516248982007-07-19T00:35:00.000-05:002007-07-19T15:02:36.613-05:00WTFWJD?A Captain Smack Special Announcement:Not sure what to do?Ask Jesus directly.He'll set you straight.Send your questions to WTFWJD@mail.comNo question is too stupid for Jesus.Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com43tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7774709586999583668.post-10815268020324440142007-07-16T14:16:00.001-05:002011-08-29T21:06:30.299-05:00Jesus and Elvis: Hot Gay Sex
Jesus: ...and the next thing that people find out in their journey is that they are all the children of God. It's not an exclusive club for the chosen few, it is open to all. They must simply allow it. One must open not just their minds, but their hearts as well. One must be like a flower, and open all of their petals to the light that shines from--
Elvis: Uh, Jesus?
Jesus: Yes?
Elvis: Captain Smackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05232863959032696801noreply@blogger.com37