Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I like my coffee like I like my women

...



That's right. I photoshopped some tits onto a coffee cup. I'm a fucking genius.

So, now that I've won you over with my intellectually sophisticated brand of wit, I'd like to take this opportunity to share something that is very near and dear to my heart...


Friends, we live in a world that is jam packed with problems, yet lacking in solutions. And while some of these problems involve disease, natural resources, the weather, and anal-probing extraterrestrials, the vast majority of our problems are caused by other humans. When something goes wrong, it's usually an inside job.

Many great thinkers have noticed this, and tried to do something about it. Plato attempted to solve the bulk of our problems in his book “The Republic”. It was a good start, but the book contained no pictures of boobies, and therefore did not really take off. The political philosopher/slapstick comedian Marx came up with many interesting solutions during the course of his career, but after he and his brothers attained success as a comedy troupe, the name “Marx” became associated with silliness and eye poking, causing many scholars to no longer take him seriously. Even the brilliant thinker Nietzsche took a swipe at it, but was, unfortunately, completely batshit.

I, on the other hand, display no signs of mental illness (see previous post), have a very serious and authoritative sounding name (see profile), and am not afraid to roll out the boobies if the need arises (see above). So with that in mind, I now present to you my very own one-size-fits-all solution to (almost) all of society's woes:




The Catapult


Once popular as an artillery weapon in Medieval times, these contraptions have a lot of great features. They are easy to construct. They do not require gasoline or electricity, and are therefore environmentally friendly. They project a certain “Olde World” charm. They also project unwanted things far, far away.

This last feature is the one on which I would like to expand. Let's take a look at just a few of the ways this marvelous device can be utilized:

Social functions
How many times has your party, bat mitzvah, wedding reception, funeral, etc., been ruined by unwanted guests, family, friends, or other types of jackasses? With the catapult, these undesirables can easily be projected to a more acceptable distance from your celebration. Plus, they are so simple to operate, you can do it while completely shitfaced.

Movie theaters
I don't know about you, but when I pay $9 for the privilege of allowing Hollywood to lobotomize me with their unimaginative, brain dead drivel, the last thing I want to hear is some chick in the next row talk on her cellphone or pop her chewing gum. Every seat in a movie theater should have a built-in catapult, so that offenders can be quickly and quietly projected out of the theater and into the parking lot.

Now, I know some of you are probably wondering “but what about crying babies? What do we do about those irritating little cocksuckers?”. I can forgive babies, for it is not their fault that they're stupid. Which is why anyone under the age of three will be projected onto a specially cushioned pad in the parking lot, where their mothers can retrieve them once the movie is over.

Drugs and paraphernalia
No one wants to be left holding the bag, so to speak, when Johnny Law kicks the door in. Toilets are very ineffective in these situations. Marijuana floats, cocaine is not water-soluble, and pills are often too heavy to flush properly. Not to mention bongs, pipes, glowsticks and other bulky paraphernalia, which must also be removed from the premises. A small catapult near a window is the answer to your problems. Not only will it quickly and safely get the incriminating evidence off of your property, but will deposit it onto the property of the asshole neighbor who called the cops in the first place. Or the asshole neighbor with the dog that never stops barking, it's your choice.

On the Job
The workforce is overflowing with lazy and incompetent employees. You know the type: Instead of working, they sit around all day, wasting valuable company time while surfing the internet, reading blogs, and...

Well, let's just skip this one for now.

Public Education
Our schools are overly crowded as it is, and it's time to get rid of some of the dead wood. Instead of “No child left behind”, I say we adopt a policy of “Some children projected far away”. Any time a test is given, each child will sit in their special government-issued catapult seat. The moment they get an answer wrong, they are instantly relocated away from the school and onto the street, where their education will continue as they learn to be drug dealers and prostitutes. I call it “higher” learning.


So, as you can see, this catapult solution is a subject which I've thought through very carefully, and not just something I pulled out of my ass at the last minute because it's Wednesday and I needed to put up a blog post.

And while the coffee-cup-with-boobies picture alone would probably have been enough to sufficiently distract most of you from your horrid, mind-numbing office jobs, The Captain likes to go that extra mile, and give you something to really think about.

So leave a comment and get right back to work. And pray that your boss doesn't read this post, or you may find a large, wooden mechanism next to the copy machine when you come in to work tomorrow.

Your welcome.

104 comments:

cooper green said...

What's really required is a good indoor substitute for those massive four-story outdoor jobs that could lob an Albanian goat into the Vatican without leaving the farm. It would hardly do to try launching your co-worker into the next time zone, and instead blast the sorry fucker into the plaster ceiling a few feet from your desk. Think of the cleanup, never mind trying to sidestep the blame.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Brilliant. Fucking GENIUS.

And um, I don't remember sending you a picture of my tits...curious...

Jo said...

Interesting.
In the antipodes, the answer to most problems is:

The Pulley System.

Or like, Cheese.

GT said...

where their education will continue as they learn to be drug dealers and prostitutes. I call it “higher” learning.

Or, in this case, "further education"

Captain Smack said...

Cooper:
I was thinking maybe a special hole or portal in the cieling. And I'm sure Japan can come up with some more compact designs.


Scottsdale Girl:
I got the picture off the internet, you should be more careful.


Jo:
I agree that cheese solves a lot of problems (particularly problems involving sandwiches), but I'm not sure about the pulleys. I'll look into it.


GT:
Nice. Damn. I wish I'd thought of that.

Erica AP said...

I'm thinking maybe we could scale it down a bit and just make a mini one that I can use to catapult M&M's into my mouth. Do you think that's feasible? Keep in mind that mini things in general are pretty gosh darn cute...

Kitty said...

Nice tits. I licked the screen and they has a flavour.

Captain Smack said...

Erica:
A catapult to project M&Ms into your mouth. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were mocking my idea.


Kitty:
Mocha?

Heidi said...

There would be catapults on roads hopefully, because there's nothing more annoying that someone who doesn't see the light has changed because they're on their cellphone.

GT said...

Sorry dude, I should probably stop suggesting things like before.

Trebuchet's are cool though. Why don't we see more of them?

Captain Smack said...

Heidi:
Yes! There are too many cars on the road anyway. The people on their cellphones would probably not even realize they were being catapulted.


GT:
My blog's font is Trebuchet. Does that count?

GT said...

Well that's one. I was thinking of the actual construction. Instead of cranes you could lob supplies of building materials from one place to another.

Safe as houses, mate

unique_stephen said...

I too like my women like I like my coffee.
hot, wet, white, strong, and definitely not sweet.

Anonymous said...

Weird. Just last night I was wandering through youtube watching trebuchets launching things, talking with my friend about the uses of them (which were eerily similar to this post) and discussing building one.
We figured they would be better as a defensive weapon though, a preventative measure, to KEEP things further away.

Especially after seeing one throw a flaming piano about 1/2 a mile.

Aon said...

Hmmm. Sorry, the post above shouldn't have been posted anonymously.

In fact I'll never need to post anonymously again, once I've finished building the thing.

Jules said...

Now, as you have previously suggested to myself, this would have been the perfect device at my wedding.

Too drunk? Catapult
Too obnoxious? Catapult
Not good enough pressie? Catapult.

I like it.

gimme a minute said...

The cinema aspect needs a little more thought, Captain. Catapulting can be very distracting in and of itself.

Perhaps some debilitating injection that would silence the perpetrators and perserve them for future jettisoning?

They could then be launched in unison as the credits roll...

Gorilla Bananas said...

Creative thinking, Captain, but how would you stop the victims from jumping off before they got tossed? The hole in the ground might be a more reliable solution.

UBERMOUTH said...

That's hilarious- especially about the babies. And I thought I was UN pc!LOved the school one too- and Nietzsche being batshit crazy.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Someone in my family once had a coffee mug in the shape of a breast. You drank from the nipple. Here's a pic. I think I got shitfaced one New Years Eve & did a lot of really vulgar shit with that mug in front of several family members.

danzer1986 said...

hey

ok i see u hate'lol' duely noted moving on...

i guess the catapult solves everything fucking genius! haha

**smooches**

Helen said...

god, I'm glad you're commenters are so smart, I started to read this, and immediately thought "oh, what the hell are those other things called...what is it? will have to google it when I'm done reading this" but THEN right there in your comments...Trebuchet... thanks gt, and thank YOU Cap'n for being such a gravitational force for clever chaps everywhere.

Miss Understanding said...

GOL, yes I giggled out loud! I am with you on the movie theaters and I think maybe just a little bit infatuated with you.

WNG said...

My day was shite until I read this post and laughed like crazy! Good thing everyone else was at lunch :)
Thanks!

Old Knudsen said...

AH! that picture was NSFW and I got the sack, you cont! no wait I'm a self employed hoor master, as you were, see you got out on bail well done that perv.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

I cant stop staring at those boobs, they are huge, like swollen looking or something, yowza

Josh said...

I love my coffee as much as the next guy but one of those boobs is staring at me and I am starting to freak out a little.

As for the Trebuchet, I think you are onto something.

I used to say that there were few problems in life that could not be solved by the judicial use of high explosives, but these days I think it would be much easier getting a catapult through airport security.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Oops.

Betty Boob Hug said...

You are the funniest blogger I have ever, ever come across. I would pay you for entertaining me so well but all I have is good teeth and large bosoms that wouldn't fit on a mug and kindness. I don't think you can do anything with those.

But thank you for the laughs.

Fairmaiden327 said...

I will totally send you a tit-shot.

kiki said...

the catapult would have solved all that dude's brick problems straight away yeah?

SamD said...

Oh wow, it's at least minor blogjinx; I just got done with a visit from my mother.

Would that I'd had a catapault last Sunday night.

jali said...

Everywhere I turn these days there are bigger boobs than mine. AAArrrrrggggh!

Steph said...

I want one!! Will you be taking orders and how fast can you deliver?

MsPuddin said...

So how does that mug work exactly? you suck the coffee from the nipple?

Man I love the Marx bros!
Groucho once said, “if you continue to write malicious and slanderous comments about me in your magazine, I will be forced to cancel my subscription.”

Fatman said...

Erica- M&M catapults sounds like a great way of taking out one of you nephews' eyes.

Unique_Stephen- I too like my women like I like my coffee: Ground up and kept in the freezer.

GB- Bind them, THEN put them on the catapult. Minor Historical Note: In Ye Olden Days they used to put cow carcases and victims of the Black Death onto catapults. It was one of the earliest forms of Germ Warfare. (Today we use people with herpes or folks who suffer from Disco Fever)

Captain Smack- Eye poking is generally a Three Stooges thing and not a Marx thing. Although an M&M catapult might be just your thing....
Seriously though you should patent this thing. All it will take is for one annoying person (a slovenly Jewish relative, annoying cinema patron, Richardson from Accounting, etc.) to be flung to their death and you'll have offers flooding in to hire a catapult from you.

GT said...

Helen, you can't prove I've ever worn chaps.

Not sure about the Captain though.....

Miss B said...

captain... you're so right! every time i want a little pick me up, i just stand naked in front of my mirror and stare at my boobies... pure genius. and the catapult thing, *thumbs up* stellar! how about a "toss the f*n losers far away from me so i don't have to deal with the drama anymore" catapult? can ya do that, huh, huh??!

Captain Smack said...

GT:
A freight transport tool, good idea.


Stephen:
Yeah, but do you like your coffee with boobies?


Aon:
They are especially suited for revolutions, coups and uprisings.


Jules:
The idea just kept blossoming in my mind.


Gimme:
I like it. Arm the ushers with Zulu-style blow guns with knock-out darts. Even if the movie sucked, you'd still get your $9 worth watching annoying people fly through the air.


Gorilla Bananas:
I don't really consider them "victims" as much as "perpetrators". Most of these folks are so oblivious to everyone and everything around them, I doubt they would even notice until they were already in the air.

Captain Smack said...

UBERMOUTH:
Yeah, Nietzsche was "super" crazy. Plus his name is really hard to spell, so screw 'em.


Blowing Shit Up:
It's a good thing they didn't have a catapult.


Danzer:
Sometimes the best solution is the simplest one.


Helen:
I honestly didn't even know what a trebuchet was, I just thought it was a font family (which, incidental, is my favorite internet font).


Miss Understanding:
That's the first time I've come across a "GOL".

Hmmm...

Ok, I like it. GOL is ok by my. You got off on a technicality, good job.


WNG:
Even if it's not strictly safe for work, it's probably at least safe for lunch.

Captain Smack said...

Knudsen:
Damn, I was hoping at least one person would lose their job, causing them to get a divorce, become a drug addict, start a life of crime and blame it all on me, then assassinate me, making me a 1st Amendment Martyr. That would've be cool. Oh well. As for the ridiculous and slanderous allegations made against me, I categorically deny any wrong doing, although my heart goes out to all the families involved, bla bla bla.


NYCPonderings Chick:
They are something, aren't they? They got half-n-half all beat.


Josh:
I see what you mean about the boobie staring at you. It is a little freaky. It almost has a "pleading" look, you see that?


Scottsdale Girl:
Don't feel bad. Everyone's tits will be on the internet eventually. Andy Warhol didn't know the half of it.


Betty:
No, thank you. My ego just got a woody.


Fair Maiden:
Tit-shots gladly accepted. captainsmack@mail.com.

Captain Smack said...

Kiki:
And the dog problem.


SamD:
I've noticed an unusually high amount of blogjinx going on lately. I think the world may be about to end. Or maybe it just has gas.


Jali:
Don't get caught up in the technicalities. It's not so much the size as it is texture, shape and juxtaposition. Or Juggstaposition.


Steph:
I assume you are talking about the catapult, and not the coffee mug. I'm sending one of our deluxe models out to you. But, Steph, just... just be careful with it, ok?


MsPuddin:
I was thinking that the boobies might be creamer dispensers. But I like your idea too.


Fatman:
You got me - I did confuse the Marx Bros with the Three Stooges. Admittedly, I'm not a huge fan of either. As for the business angle, it seems you are right. I already received an order from Steph.


GT:
The Captain dresses for comfort.


Miss B:
how about a "toss the f*n losers far away from me so i don't have to deal with the drama anymore" catapult?

Yes, we can do that. In fact, that's our most popular model.

Erica AP said...

No, no, no... Not mocking - expanding. And I didn't even use drugs to get that idea? You know, because drugs expand the mind.

Prunella Jones said...

This is a brilliant idea as usual, Captain. Not only do you get rid of annoying people, but the people themselves benefit from catapulted. Flying through the air has a well known positive effect on seratonin levels. My dad discovered this accidently when he shot himself out of a cannon one day. You see, he'd been searching for a way to escape the prison of linear time (it was his obsession) but instead he found the way to achieve the perfect dopamine and endorphin mix without drugs. Of course he did end up dying later on from his horrible, horrible injuries but at least he wasn't depressed about it.

anandamide said...

You're a genius. Where do I get me one o' these suckers?

Mister Underhill said...

I like the no kid left unthrown idea.

~Miss Smack said...

They do look like my nipples.

morbid misanthrope said...

That's a great idea, Cap. Interesting you should mention it, because I've recently been doing some tests with industrial-sized potato guns with impressive results. It's amazing how far you can launch stuff with enough hair spray; and that way, you can help destroy the ozone while you're launching people into it. I suppose the only drawback to that kind of idiot launcher is having to cram the idiots into it. It's kind of fun, really, because you get to jab at people with pointed rebar, but it does add unnecessary seconds to the launching process. Oh well, I guess sometimes you just can't beat a time-tested design.

Anonymous Boxer said...

'Kay, I've read the rules and I followed Old Knudsen here... just wondering if that Catapult comes in different sizes and just how far does it toss someone? I have, er, reasons to be asking. Very specific reasons.....

Captain Smack said...

Erica:
Ok then. I guess your candy launcher has it's uses. It might be good for fat kids who are too out of shape to place the candy inside their mouths with their hands. (I'm always thinking of the children).


Prunella:
I guess you could say it's a natural high.


Anandamide:
Just place an order, we'll send one out. But hurry, because the holidays are coming up, and everyone's going to want one for family get-togethers.


Mr Underhill:
Me too. They say the children are the future. This just makes the future a little more distant, that's all.


Miss Smack:
Do they now? Interesting. I learn a little bit more about you all the time.


Morbid:
Having to place the idiot into the launcher is time consuming, and will probably lose it's luster after the first thousand idiots or so. Perhaps a better solution would be to lure the idiot into the catapult with some type of bait...


Anonymous Boxer:
The Executive model comes with adjustable seat sizes, and you can control the launch distance with the FlingMeter Dial(tm). This mught be best for your needs.

qofd said...

Hey, if you really plan on that whole "some children catapulted far away" campaign can my kids be first? I mean, their whining really is getting on my nerves.

Cunning Linguist said...

The catapult. Truly a tool with a great many uses. With proper marketing and snazzy designer colors, this could go further than one would expect, you know.

M@ said...

How to start your own religion.... Reminds me of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, an order of gay nuns, or the Mormons. Yeah, definitely the Mormons, too.

Captain Smack said...

Queen:
I believe that, as a mother, it is your right - no, it is your DUTY - to catapult your kids from time to time. They have to learn how to land on their own two feet.


Cunning:
You're right. They should be cross promoted with popular softdrinks... I see a Mountain Dew commercial with kids hopped up on caffeine being sprung across a mountain.


M@:
Interesting you should mention it, and you have a good eye - I've done some consulting work for both of those fine organizations.

EmmaK said...

I love the idea of catapulting thick kids out the window. My main problem in life is dealing day to day with the ninety percent of the population that are in common parlance, thick as a bag of rocks. Now maybe this is a problem that only afflicts me because I live in the USA, but I'm pretty sure you have a fairly high quota of meatheads in Australia, where I think you live?

Do you think catapults can adequately deal with the deluge of retards all around us? Should they all be catapulted out to sea? Or should they simply be killed young and frozen so that their young organs can be utilized on the more intelligent among us when we become decrepit?

I know you have the answer to this Captain.

Bock the Robber said...

Great.

So now your coffee wants to know "where is this thing going?"

Captain Smack said...

EmmaK:
I've been hanging out in these Aussie circles for too long, I must be starting to sound like them. I'm in the US too, where you can never have too many catapults. Except here we must use the heavy duty models that can handle large, American asses.

I like the organ harvesting idea. No need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. You never know when you'll need a new liver.


Bock:
I prefer my coffee not to ask me a bunch of questions, especially about the future.

knifepainter said...

Could do without the coffee if my cups had tits like that.

GT said...

A catapault got rid of the Simpsons when they were sitting on the couch tonight. Seems like its catching on, even though it was from 2005

EmmaK said...

I've been hanging out in these Aussie circles for too long, I must be starting to sound like them.
Yeah you had me fooled, you just don't seem American. Never found an American attractive before. But for you I could change my mind (joke) Been a beard fetishist ever since I saw the illustrations in my dad's Joy of Sex. don't think you'll know what I'm talking about because you're probably young.

marky said...

Nice combination of first loves there Captain. Those almost look mocha. I have a neighbor I'd like to catapult. How much is shipping?

Captain Smack said...

Knifepainter:
They are amazing, aren't they? Though I would hate to have to choose between them and coffee. I'm quite the caffeine junky.


GT:
It's cosmic, man. Once again, I seem to have my finger on the pulse.


Emma:
The Joy of Sex? Oh, sure, that's right up there with "Everybody Poops" and "The Anarchist Cookbook". And not only am I American, I'm a good ol' Southern boy, go figure.


Marky:
The shipping cost depends on which sized model you order. How big are your neighbors?

Memphis Steve said...

How much for one of those coffee mugs?

knifepainter said...

What about unsafe convictions Cap ?

I mean how would you get people/things back if an error was made ?

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About Me

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People often tell me that I look a lot like Jesus, so I always wear a Captain's hat so they can tell us apart. I also enjoy wearing robes and rockin' the tables.